Slow and Steady

[DS9]

Hey jac

I’m not wholly familiar with your sitch but I think you’re pretty much spot on with your thought pattern and future plans. Your wife will learn the consequences of her actions including being offside with her brother.

I took my ring off about a month in. It felt really weird but it felt weirder keeping it on given the XWs treatment of me and resolve that it was over. Good luck mate!

[LH19]

J,

Yeah my guess is there is someone else. You've only been married 4 years and have a young child so it's very uncommon for her to just walk away.

I think your last paragraph is perfect and dead on. Don't hang your hat on her maybe changing her mind down the road. That's typical script saying you're plan B.

Lastly, you need to work on validation. The purpose of validation is to let her know you understand how she feels without judgement. It is not to make her feel bad or guilty.

You will survive and things will get better my man.

[HrtHsbnd]

LH,

I could really use your advice in my thread.

[kas99]

I agree I think there is someone else. If I were you I'd hit hard and fast. Figure out how to use this to get full custody of your son and file. Or get her to agree to that in the separation agreement. Do not pay her one penny more than you have to. If you think you can nice her back you can't. The part where she can't afford her new and shiny life isn't your problem anymore. She's said she's done so believe her.

My WAH talked me out of doing a separation agreement but that was only because he knew he'd have to pay me more than he wanted to. WAH has always been short sighted so yes I allowed him to pay me less child support than he should have been paying. Financially it was in his best interest to go ahead file while I was still hopeful. I would have accepted a lower alimony amount in an attempt to nice him back now or sometime in the future.

[Jac12]

Thanks all.

LH - I agree on working on validation. I'll keep working on that as I have the urge to jump in and speak way too much.


Kas - she can afford her new life no problem. Since she started her new job last year she makes 3x what I make. The problem for her is she doesn't feel like she can afford her life if she's also paying child support/spousal support. She's terrible at saving. Not my problem anymore, I just need to make sure she's financially responsible for her son.

I have no interest in "nicing" her back. I tried that, no effect. Now it's time to move on with my life and let what will be, be.

If she comes back down the road I'll deal with that then but as of now she's gone.

[Jac12]

Journaling -

Not much as happened in the past week. I see my W on Wednesday nights when I get home from work (normally around my sons bedtime). Last night she was tucking him in when I came home so I went upstairs to join. She was reading to him and after about 3 minutes she says: "it's so weird with you here". She feels awkward reading to him out loud (ridiculous yes but she felt that way even before BD). Then when he wants a few songs she won't sing, for the same reason. So I do it, and I enjoy it.

We did talk after as my therapist recommended I share something about my past with her that she didn't know and how that may have affected me in our relationship. She listened well and was appreciative of me sharing. Asked a couple questions about therapy (she still says she's planning on going consistently but we'll see) and if I felt good opening up. My therapist thought it might help her open up down the road too, or even push her subconsciously to get moving on her own IC. After that she talked about her day and then mentioned that her lawyer needed to know some details on our mortgage and my investments, so that was a bit of a downer. I expect it but it [censored] hearing her talk about this like it's no big deal to her. I just said no problem what do you need and I'll send it to you.

This weekend she's having her mom stay at her place so she can look after our son while my W goes to an auto show. This bugs me. She only gets 1 full day a week with our son (and he only gets one with his mom) and she's prioritizing an auto show with friends over time with him. It always makes me wonder why she thinks I'm the problem...I'm one of many people she has disconnected from.

She also is going to have her mom live with her for a month or two. Not sure what to think of that. Her mom wants us to work things out and she wants her to do IC so that's good. Her and I have a good relationship too.

Aside from that I've been busy enjoying my time with my son and working on a new website for golfers. I've been playing and practicing when I'm not working as I have three tournaments over the next 2 weeks so hopefully cash a little money in those. I need to make some more friends in this area - but since my son is with me at night I don't have much time to meet new people. I had some friends come by last weekend though and we had a good time.

Some days are better than others. I did take all the pictures down of us and I left a picture of her in our sons room for him. She obviously noticed but didn't say anything. We are now 9 months into this mess and it feels like it's been forever. Some days I see the woman I married but those moments are few and far between. I think the distance between us is helping her move closer to divorce. I'm trying to connect when the opportunity presents itself but otherwise I don't contact her at all and she no longer contacts me. No texts out of the blue, no instagram messages (she would sometimes send me the odd meme) and no calls. Doesn't ask about our son on the days she isn't with him and never calls to talk to him or say goodnight. I wonder if she even wants to be a mom.

We should be finalizing our S agreement over the next few weeks. I really hope I'll get custody of our son - I'll be fighting for full custody.

Anyways, long note but that's what's going on. As always I appreciate any advice or insight.

[unchien]

My therapist thought it might help her open up down the road too, or even push her subconsciously to get moving on her own IC.

This feels contrary to DB principles. Definitely don't be sharing things with the hopes your W will change.

After that she talked about her day and then mentioned that her lawyer needed to know some details on our mortgage and my investments, so that was a bit of a downer. I expect it but it [censored] hearing her talk about this like it's no big deal to her. I just said no problem what do you need and I'll send it to you.

You handled it great.

This weekend she's having her mom stay at her place so she can look after our son while my W goes to an auto show. This bugs me. She only gets 1 full day a week with our son (and he only gets one with his mom) and she's prioritizing an auto show with friends over time with him. It always makes me wonder why she thinks I'm the problem...I'm one of many people she has disconnected from.

Have you heard of the concept of "right of first refusal?"

She also is going to have her mom live with her for a month or two. Not sure what to think of that. Her mom wants us to work things out and she wants her to do IC so that's good. Her and I have a good relationship too.

I would try as hard as you can to let go of trying to read something into this.

We should be finalizing our S agreement over the next few weeks. I really hope I'll get custody of our son - I'll be fighting for full custody.

Are you documenting things going on? For instance, your W choosing to do other things during her parenting time? A daily journal or similar may help you in a legal situation (obvious caveat I am not a lawyer).

[Jac12]

Unchien, thanks for the response...what do you mean of right of first refusal as it relates to my sitch? I get it in business terms.

I need to stop reading into a lot of things. Like most of us sometimes I feel like I'm handling things well until someone suggests that I could be better.

I'm definitely documenting everything just in case.

[unchien]

My understanding of right of first refusal (and I may be wrong) is that you and your W would agree that the other person gets the right of first refusal to watch your son.

Upon re-reading your comments, it sounds like this is not an issue for you - you were primarily annoyed that in her very limited time with your son, your W still chose to go do something else. I think I was projecting my sitch onto yours.

[Jac12]

Well $#%# is hitting the fan now.

Just received email back from lawyers and of course she wants 50/50 custody (or at least the lawyer is telling her to try) and it upsets me. She's been a terrible mom and she abandoned her child when she left the house. At least the courts will look at that favourably for me as I've been the responsible parent. I'm going to fight as much as I can for as much time with my son as possible. I have a feeling it will get nasty but what am I supposed to do?

She's also saying her income is less than it actually is (no big deal as the T4's will show the truth) and she of course wants to pay less child support or spousal support.

Also is against me keeping the house and my investments.

She has yet to take any responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage or even apologize for her behaviour. I've done IC and have apologized for numerous things in our relationship. Have tried to be a better person and future partner and have stepped up to be a great dad for our son. I'm the one taking him to school and picking him up. Taking him to doctor appointment and haircuts. Buying new clothes for him. She hasn't done any of this.

I think I'm at a point now where I despise the person she has become. I knew this would happen if she tried to take my son away. She has ruined our family with her selfish behaviour and I feel like I'm done with her. At the same time I'm aware that feelings change and I understand now why all the vets always say "feelings can change so don't get too wrapped up in how she's currently feeling".