These are great, thanks all. I had a lot of confidence over the past few weeks - I'd survived the BD, survived the S, was building my own life, didn't have the stress of dealing with W much, and all was going well, results as expected. And now this reaction, it is a bit of a hit. I mean, you all anticipated it but it still gives me pause, and, as you can see above, I struggle with how much to say, how direct to be, whether to try to listen vs. explain, and so on.
So, next opportunity, will explain simply that my needs have changed and that being friends doesn't work for me. I will always be cordial and do what is in D3's best interests.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
In a bit of a weird space. Had D3 tonight, went on a "date" with her (dinner out, walked around the block, stopped at a playground along the way), really loved it. TBH is better without W. No fears of how what I say will be interpreted, D3 either focused on me or on coloring, genuinely happy to be with me. But sad that she is spending the next four days with W (or, more accurately, that I won't see her for four days). Struggle to explain that, when she talks about visiting W's hometown, I have to say that I won't be there. Or that someone will be living in our house soon. Like, does she realize that this is the new normal?
Spoke with W for 50 minutes today, just logistics. Swapping some weekends, determining when finances split, red-lining divorce papers, etc. All went well except for a brief flash on her side when I mentioned the down payment on my new place, asked her to let me know what expenses she expected in the next two weeks that may impact it. She said that my choice to spend so much shouldn't impact her (which is 100% correct). No anger on either of our parts, though - I explained that I wasn't asking for anything of her other than a) that she tell me if there were big expenses coming up (e.g. D3 tuition) and b) if she thought that I wouldn't have enough in my account for the down payment that she would let me know ahead of time. We moved through it. She seemed unphased that I'm moving forward so deliberately.
It all seems very business-like. I decided not to say my spiel about us not being friends, etc. I mean, there wasn't a clear opportunity and I don't want to compromise my move.
Candidly, the conversation felt good, and part of me wants to be friends, to say "hey, D3 wants that puzzle, can you send it with her?" or whatever, and another part of me can't wait to cut the cord and not have to talk to her. Us staying together isn't an option.
And I was doing some reading today on my state's law re: divorce, separation, etc. - we really hate cheaters, don't we? I know what I did was wrong, and I knew it when I did it. I knew that the feeling of excitement was fleeting. I just wanted to be wanted. I just wanted someone to be excited to see me. I really hate where W and I are but it's funny, I can't think of what I got out of the relationship. I feel like I'm longing for something that could have been rather than something that was. I have people who like me for who I am, I have people who have seen me for who I am, cheating POS and all, and have liked, maybe loved me as that guy. And here I am pining for someone who only seems to see me as this one thing: a lying cheater. I really question why I want to be back together. Like, as bad as I was to W, and there is no justification for my choice, I do think that, had I not made the choice to cheat, we'd both be equally responsible for our s*** MR. And that she can't see that, well, this all seems hopeless. Steve85 is right, there still isn't anything I wouldn't do to fix this. But should I? Or, put another way, should I do anything to put a bandaid on the compound fracture if she's not interested in helping to set it?
Anyway, this is just me whining. I see everyone here dealing with their cheating spouses and I know that I'm the bad guy, that the trust I betrayed isn't just between me and her, but between her and the world. And I know that everyone would say "cheaters don't deserve anything" "cheaters don't change". So maybe this is the wrong place to seek pity. It's really strange the dissonance between what is going well (relationship with D3, less stress from dealing with W, moving forward with a place I really want to live) and what... well... I guess I imagine my life could be with W? I keep thinking about "lasts". Like the last time I looked down the stairwell and saw our dog. The last time we brushed our teeth next to each other. But was that love or just the intimacy of two people who had lived together for 10 years?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Ok, question: W asked me to watch our (now her) dog. What should I do? Here's the exact email:
"Hey-wanted to share dates I will be out of town to see if you want/or willing to take [dog's name]. Just let me know either way so I can make plans for her."
I love that dog and do miss her but W took her when she moved out. I could have asked for joint custody but, with a kid, too, it seemed like quite a lot to manage logistically, not to mention the stress to everyone involved. If I took the dog I'd probably have to figure out a walker for the dates since I'm not home during the day. W will probably have to kennel the dog if I don't take her (which is bad for the dog).
I don't know what W is thinking but I don't think that this is her trying to do something nice, I think that it's her not wanting to pay for kenneling the dog and not having to deal with drop off and pick up. So, thought on how I should approach?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
My response back would be, "Thanks for the offer, but I won't be able to watch the dog". You don't owe her an explanation.
That's exactly what I sent. No response.
JOURNAL:
Had an issue last week where I asked W to sign a waiver on my new house saying that she ins't a part of it (required by lender) and asking that we not file the divorce papers with the court until after I close (scares lender). She seemed a bit offguard and immediately put stipulations on it, saying that we would separate expenses and income beforehand, that I had to agree to sign on such and such a date, and a half dozen other things. This was a tough position for me - part of me knows that she will take any resistance to her asks as me trying to control her and that I should just acquiesce so that I can get my house with no issues. Another part of me feels very controlled, and the idea that she would hold my (and our daughter's) living arrangements hostage appalling. She said "hey, we both need things here, let's meet in the middle" but what she "needs" isn't a roof over her head. This was over email and validation was limited. I did refrain from addressing her judgments ("this doesn't seem like it's in D3's best interests") and instead focused on the facts. In my mind I have the nuclear option of saying "hey, if you won't let me move into a new place, then I won't sign the paperwork to sell the old place". Anyway, sent her the waiver for her to review, fingers crossed she signs it.
Weekend was kind of tough. Spent a lot of time out and about (GAL!) but it is still not fun coming home to an empty house. And have had a few conversations recently where people are talking about their POS exes... makes me think (know?) that I'm a POS ex. I wish I could say that I don't care but it hurts to be the bad guy, and I don't want to be one of those bitter "well, I only did X because YOU did Y" people. Not productive. But it's also sort of depressing to lose so much and have your name dragged through the mud for things you didn't do. I tried my best. Part of the paperwork from the mediator says something along the lines of "Both parties agree that there are irreconcilable differences and that the marriage cannot be saved". I want it struck. I'm ok to end it since I have no choice in the matter but I don't think that it's in anyone's best interests.
On a more positive note, I cooked something brand-new for myself yesterday... it wasn't the most efficient effort but it's a starting point.
Have to actually start planning my move, it's next week. It seemed so far away and now it's here. I'm kind of stressed, to be honest. W and I made a good team before, it was nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, challenge me. Owning every single decision, while liberating, is stressful. No more dividing up duties. Was up for a few hours early this morning stressing about the choice of the house, if I bit off more than I can chew. It's not fun.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Ok, question - how do I have positive interactions with W? We don't have many opportunities right now. Here are those I see:
1) Catch her eye at work - e.g. walking through hallway, see her in cafeteria. Currently I usually don't acknowledge if she's with someone, may give her a nod otherwise. 2) Mediation sessions - these are going to be done soon (none scheduled at this point) 3) D3 birthday party - my parents are hosting this weekend. Not sure how to interact with W.
Once the divorce is finalized we may not talk in person again for a long, long time. Most of D3 coordination is over text/email.
I've been doing everything I can to giver her space, don't even tag her in posts with D3 on social media let alone send long emails about how I'll be different, etc.. And when we are in the same room I don't really enjoy it (she brags, I try to not talk about all the fun stuff I do, she doesn't really ask me anyway). So, space is good, but I feel like I'm building a castle across the moat from her castle. Any suggestions for a) how to be around her and b) how to make time to interact?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
You are operating under what is known as “the illusion of action”. You feel you need to do something. The reality is you don’t need to do anything. Just don’t make it worse. With time and space her heat will soften and she’ll either miss you or she won’t. You really don’t have any control whether this will happen or not. Then after times goes by you will move on and realize life is to short to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you and will move on.
LH, I hear you and I recognize that I can't make it better through my actions but I'm worried that I'm making it worse. She's essentially trying to be friends and I'm rebuffing that. I think that I'm doing the right thing but she has explicitly stated that she feels like I won't even talk to her (i.e. this isn't just me imagining her thinking).
But maybe you're more right than where I am... right now I feel like everything is fluid, total ambiguity. It's like "Inception". So maybe I'm trying to grab onto at least something I can affect (which, you are rightly pointing out, is not this).
Alright, but back to my questions, I'm pretty good at going cold and she's sensing it. I'm wondering how I can move it back a notch or if what I'm doing is right, the fear and uncertainty natural. I do recognize that I can't make her miss me but I can certainly do things to make her glad that I'm gone - I want to make sure that I'm avoiding these. Thoughts?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
