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Ginger1 #2862528 08/23/19 10:58 AM
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Thanks j. I was just coming by to ignore my rant. You are right, I don’t know, lll most likely never know, and it doesn’t matter, the outcome is still the same. I just need to move on.take care of me and D. And when I look to her, I know how well I’ve handled my self now and through the years.

I slept straight through until 5 am with no sleeping aids. That’s pretty much unheard of for me. I had crazy dreams about my best friend dating M. That was weird. She was just being exactly what he wanted and I couldn’t match up. I lost the fight. So, lots of sleep, but I swear that dream went on all night long.

I hope today is a better day at work. Tonight I have a date with the dog and the couch and a movie.

I’ll be ok. I am always ok. It’s definitely different this time. I’m sad and confused for sure. But I don’t have those awful heart racing triggers. It just is what it is and I’ve got to move past it

Ginger1 #2862529 08/23/19 11:04 AM
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My guess is he is not emotionally ready and instead of working through it he pulled the plug.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
TBSakaJ9 #2862530 08/23/19 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
My guess is he is not emotionally ready and instead of working through it he pulled the plug.


This is what I think it is too. He wasn’t emotionally ready to be a partner in a relationship. A real one.

Ginger1 #2862531 08/23/19 11:13 AM
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Everyone comes to a R at a different emotional level, that is one of the tough things about OLD and meeting strangers. As you know, many things have to align for it to be a successful LTR. That said he will regret his decision down the road because something tells me he isnt going to do any better.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Ginger1 #2862544 08/23/19 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
“Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places and finding the wrong people”

Where am I supposed to be looking ?! Clue me in!

Well - it seems that everyone these days is using dating apps.

That includes all the peoples exes that post here,
so you are likely to run into that type of person when you use these apps.
This is just my observation.
Although the apps sound fast and easy,
I think that is exactly what you get when you use them.

When I was 1/2 your age - no internet, everyone went to bars.
That seemed a recipe for disaster to me.

Both of my millenial children met there spouses without using dating apps.
I pray that is a good thing.

They met them when attending functions through their religion,
and both of them are not really religious.

I just think meeting someone IRL and becoming friends with them is important
before you go further.

I am certainly not an expert in this area. LOL!!


Me-70, D37,S36
Ginger1 #2862562 08/23/19 02:48 PM
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I dislike online dating . I wish I could meet someone the old fashioned way. The two before were the old fashioned way.

I’m a 39 year old divorced full time working mom. I don’t go many places, although I do go to bars occasionally, and I met one guy at a bar, had a date and we realized we weren’t into each other sober. I don’t go to church. I’ll be going back to the gym, otherwise I go to target and Shoprite and places with my daughter. And all of this is a hunch of married men with families.

The only guys I happen to like are married. There is a nurse on my unit who is such an amazing guy, 2 years younger. Married with her kids and their own kids. She’s beautiful. She’s a nurse too . We innocently flirt sometimes. He would never cheat, and I would never engage. But it’s always been the married ones I click with . It stinks.

I’m screwd. I was truly just hoping I had finally had some luck and he was the one. I read J’s tread, and what he has was all I wanted. I thought I had it and I was fooled. I was talking to a friend /coworker who was physical therapist today and told her the story and she said the craziest stuff happens and I am so low key and laid back and I don’t want drama, but I get it. She said if I was high strung and not as chill as I am I would probably handle things not as good
I’m going to be alone for a very long time. It’s not like I haven’t been before.

I just had to report a family member who made antisemetic threats regarding a doctor . And that’s how my day has begun.

Tomorrow was supposed to be our kayaking fishing adventure. Just us. He was looking forward to it ( so his words said) and so was I. Whatevs

I got somebody to take my shed for free. He will be back in a few days to get it. Good bye to our project, I’m going for a new project.

Again. Just sad, defeated, and a little hopeless for my future love life

Ginger1 #2862570 08/23/19 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I dislike online dating . I wish I could meet someone the old fashioned way. The two before were the old fashioned way.

I’m a 39 year old divorced full time working mom. I don’t go many places, although I do go to bars occasionally, and I met one guy at a bar, had a date and we realized we weren’t into each other sober. I don’t go to church. I’ll be going back to the gym, otherwise I go to target and Shoprite and places with my daughter. And all of this is a hunch of married men with families.

I get it.....I was not at all interested in online dating, but because I live in a small area, that tends to be about the only way to actually meet people. You live in a more populated area, but still, meeting organically just doesn't seem as easy as it did. I chalk that up to just being a product of our ever-changing tech world.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m screwd. I was truly just hoping I had finally had some luck and he was the one. I read J’s tread, and what he has was all I wanted. I thought I had it and I was fooled. I was talking to a friend /coworker who was physical therapist today and told her the story and she said the craziest stuff happens and I am so low key and laid back and I don’t want drama, but I get it. She said if I was high strung and not as chill as I am I would probably handle things not as good. I’m going to be alone for a very long time. It’s not like I haven’t been before.

Oh, G....please do NOT do this. You are NOT screwed and you will not be alone for a very long time. Those are extremes. I know you are down and it likely feels that way, but you have NO idea what tomorrow or next week or next month will bring. You thought you had found what you were looking for, but girl, that man was NOT ready to be all in with anyone so he truly did you a favor by walking away. Yes, I know it doesn't feel like that now, but you WILL love again. I know you are feeling sad and down, but this doesn't help when you think in such absolutes as being screwed and never loving again. You are a lovely, vibrant, still young woman with so much to offer and though it doesn't seem that way now, there WILL be someone who comes along that makes you feel special and like you matter and that you are the one and only. Just hang in there.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Tomorrow was supposed to be our kayaking fishing adventure. Just us. He was looking forward to it ( so his words said) and so was I. Whatevs

Ok, so I'm just going to put this out there for whatever it is worth, because you have said this many times in the past few weeks since M left. I know others have said it, but I think it bears repeating. "He was looking forward to it (so his words said)" sounds like you are, yet again, somehow blaming yourself or taking more of the responsibility for what happened than you need to. His reasons, whatever they were, have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I do, honestly, think M loved you, but I do not think he was capable of love to the same depth that you are for whatever his reasons are (he hasn't worked his sh!t out with his XW, he just really isn't a deep loving kind of guy....whatever, but the point is, they are HIS reasons and not about you). I think, more likely, he did love you and saw that you loved him, but he was just not capable of loving like you did and that scared him and he ran. At some point, he WILL see what he gave up. I suspect that, whether he ever told you any of this or not, that he was this way in his first marriage as well and that is why it ended. I also suspect that he is a runner in general, not just from love, but from problems in general, which seems to be proven by his drug usage and the fact that when he's into a project, he's ALL in (like building a house when his XW was pregnant....what better way to avoid dealing with all of the hormonal stuff involved in that than to build a house and then he can use that as an excuse that he's doing something for her and the baby....see what I mean?)

I think when he said stuff to you, he meant it. I think he loved you, enjoyed your time, looked forward to doing things, even looked forward to the future, but at some point, he just realized that he couldn't measure up and it seemed easier to tuck tail and run than to stand up and be a man and deal. I think another big piece of evidence that he was this way was how he "handled" you. On several occasions leading up to the break-up, you lamented that you needed something in particular from him and he was holding back until you specifically asked for it, then he would give you just enough of what you needed to pacify you before slipping back to his natural setting. I think that was his way of trying to acknowledge that he knew he had a good thing and he wanted to make it work, but in the end, he just realized that HE wasn't capable of giving you what you need. So, to everyone else's point, yes, there WAS something lacking, but the lacking was IN HIM, not you. He just wasn't ready for a real, loving, loyal relationship with an amazing woman who would've treated him like a king. He just didn't know how to deal with that. Of course, this is all speculation on my part, but none of us are in M's head, so truly, we are all speculating.

I know you are sad, defeated, feeling low and it is so easy for me and others to show you the positive side and it is far more difficult for you to see it. Totally understand all that. As I often tell my daughters, I just wish I could give you the ability to see yourself the way others see you. You are NOT screwed and you will love again. An amazing guy is out there somewhere in this big old world and he's praying to find YOU, G.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2862580 08/23/19 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I wonder if we had our face to face how much more would have come out. He got away with a brief text because he said he refuses to engage over text. I’ll likely never know the real reason. But while he needed to back up how verybpowerful words with his actions, he didn’t fail completely at that. He always gave me enough to keep, until he decided he didn’t want me anymore.

I just really want some closure to this and I will most likely never get it

----

If I could just truly understand this, that would help, but I’m not counting on it.
I got the face to face and while us sitting there holding hands and B calmly telling me that it wasn't working, that I'd be better off with her gone, that she needed to deal with her own issues was perhaps a more gentle let-down it really perhaps didn't make mine much different than your's. The lengthy word salad text the next day help a bit but again - the whole WTF - this could have been worked out attitude is still stuck inside my head. I've debated sharing that text but it really doesn't matter. She made an effort to enunciate her reasons. I didn't agree that they couldn't be dealt with but she still left. The fact that you weren't given those reasons doesn't make your situation much different I don't think. You know in your gut what wasn't working - you've talked about it enough, just like I did.

I think that one thing that we both can be grateful for is that they did have the courage to know that it wasn't going to work and pull the plug. You and I would have kept working at trying to be patient and keep things alive. Whether it could have worked for longer, if they'd been willing to do the work necessary to keep the relationship going or not we'll never know. All we can know is that they didn't and weren't able to.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ginger1 #2862587 08/23/19 04:01 PM
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Because you WANTED him to be "the one", you overlooked all the ways in which he was not meeting your needs. I know it's hard when you want it so badly, but I think you'd do better if you shifted your dating focus to fun and companionship without worrying so much about the long game. Think of it as just having fun shopping around.

And stop with whining about online dating. It's really only online meeting, and by far the most efficient way to meet single available men. You can weed through 100 guys in a weekend, it'd take you a lifetime to meet that many IRL.

Take the pressure off. Give yourself a year to just date around without trying to find "the one". Try to see each guy for exactly who he is, not who you want him to be. Don't try to fit square pegs into round holes. And don't put up with any guy who doesn't make plans in advance and show you he's excited to see you.

Ginger1 #2862588 08/23/19 04:11 PM
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Quote
She made an effort to enunciate her reasons. I didn't agree that they couldn't be dealt with but she still left. The fact that you weren't given those reasons doesn't make your situation much different I don't think. You know in your gut what wasn't working - you've talked about it enough, just like I did.


Reasons or just excuses? I suspect the latter.

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