Perfecting my inner peace

[Grace21]

Another week has passed. My cat is on the mend, and I am finally too. So, time to check in and catch up on my friends here, and mull over my sitch, where I am, and where I’m going.

I too have W on my mind a lot these days. I'm trying to accept that and let her image take up some room in my mind, because I think it must be part of my healing/letting go process. No more pushing it out and pretending it doesn't exist. What do you do? I know you still have contact sometimes, so I'm curious how you approach it when H creeps into your mind.

H has not dominated my thoughts this week. Interesting how it ebbs and flows, becomes all consuming, then fleeting. I’m really not sure how to answer this question, but I do give it up to prayer a lot. It also helps to be proactive in moving the D process along, and clearing out some of H’s stuff. But ultimately, I just let time and getting on with life dull the thoughts. Like you, Yail, I am learning not to fight it. It’s helping.

have gotten the feeling from your posts of late that you are determined to fix your broken heart your way, by divorcing and having a clean break.

I do not think a D will fix my broken heart. My heart is already healing. The D is a clear statement to my H that I will not tolerate such disrespect, and the result of his decision to share his life with someone else is to give up his life with me. In no way do I see D as a clean break. The process is slow, and started way before H even moved out.

And if God has a plan to restore your marriage, the divorce may be part of that plan, it may be a step on that road.

THIS really spoke to me. I do in fact believe my journey with H is not over after D. I feel God is prompting me not to give up on H because HE hasn’t. Whether God will ever bring us back together as partners is unknown. It doesn’t matter to me right now. But I do believe D is the right choice, and I will just live my life and hopefully be able to hear God’s instructions and be able to obey his promptings, no matter where it leads me.

We can live with joy and GAL and friends and family but it's okay to have a corner of the heart that will mourn at times. Only the MLCer can pretend otherwise, and look at the fallout of that ability!
I think you do yourself a disservice wondering why you feel conflicted or thinking it's weak to want your H with you for the rest of your life's journey. That's what you signed up for. (And how do you know it's not the promptings of the Holy Spirit?) Just because H tried to sign off on what you both signed up for, that doesn't mean you can just get rid of the feeling. That's what MLC did for him; do you really want that? The pain of letting yourself feel it is the the worst, but that's the cross! Don't try to leave the cross on the side of the road with your determination to divorce! Pick up the pain and pick up the divorce, they ARE the cross !

I don’t think I recognized the part of my heart still with H as o.k., normal, and even a healthy part of my journey. I fight it, telling myself there must be something wrong with me to have a part of me still want to be with this man. I am at a Christian woman’s retreat now, and whether some of what I’m thinking and feeling is in part the promptings of the holy spirit has come up a few times. I do believe God is holding my hand and guiding me even with the choice to proceed with D. I have decided to pick up the pain and D cross again, because the burden is now light since I have help carrying it.

Marriage could end from a death. Grace would still have to go on. The reason for the ending is not all encompassing and important - what one does after - that is one of the big rocks to place. Once those big rocks, those values, are in place, let the small pebbles of life fill in the voids around them. If one does it the other way around all one has is pebbles and no important stuff - like our MLCer spouses have done to their lives.

How right you are DnJ, Grace still has to go on no matter the reason. I often think of my journey into my new future as something wonderful, joyful, and satisfying, but then I remember the D, and it brings me down a bit. But it doesn’t need to. That promise of something wonderful in store for me in the near and far future is still there. That should be is my focus.

From the other side of this divorce business I’ll pass some of my perspective. Divorce is what I just said - business. Treat it like that. Keep feelings out of it. The hard truth of the matter:

The marriage is dead, the spouse wants out, divorce or not makes no difference, proceed if needed, it’s just a business deal.

I am not convinced H really wants a D. I just don’t think he know how to find his way back. BUT, I am focused on the business deal, and I don’t think H likes it. He seems to want to draw out my compassionate side. He just wants his strokes he so desperately seems to need. He can get them from his girlfriend. I think I surprised him a bit by my negotiation skills, and keeping it business and not tolerating his jabs. I don’t think he knows what to do wit the new me. I don’t care.

Of course you want him to come along for the ride, even after all he has done.
Why?
Because you love him. Maybe even unconditionally.
Embrace that - it’s ok. .

I still struggle with why I love such a man. Untrustworthy, selfish, damaged, depressed, and unfaithful. That doesn’t sound like someone I should care about when I put it out there like that. But, it’s there anyway. I just won’t fight it anymore. It doesn’t change my course. Thanks for the validation, DnJ.

Quit trying to let go that one or few strings still attached to H. I believe we are meant to have a couple remain tied to our spouse. Unconditional love and forgiveness needs something to grow upon.

Change how you see this string. Make a choice. Change your paradigm.

Stop trying to cut the string. It is actually an unbreakable one.

The string is completely stretchable and transcends space and time.Therefore it cannot hold you back.

This forgiveness, this unconditional love, this string, is so very sweet and free of pain.

The string cannot drag H along. However, it could be a guide for H if he ever chooses to follow it.

Be the lighthouse.

Thank you for this. I think I was struggling with seeing D as the end, even though I have told many people recently that I don’t see D as an end of H and I. I don’t know why, or what that means. And I don’t think it will hold me back in the past any longer. It’s just there. And I believe God is prompting me to be the lighthouse. Not specifically for H, but for other people in need. I’m not sure exactly what this means yet, but I know someday it will become clear.

[Grace21]

Journaling……

Negotiations are coming to a close soon. We are getting close. The home appraisal should be ready tomorrow, and we just have a few loose ends. I suspect when H gets the Settlement Agreement to review, he won’t like a few things in it, but I’ll cross that bridge when necessary. He didn’t seem to have any idea what a financial disclosure statement was, so obviously he doesn’t have an attorney. He said he was going to look for another one this week so they can review it with him before he gets it notaried. Whatever. It just better not hold up the D. I want it done before the end of the year. But at least it seems to be moving forward.

D20 is still struggling. We are now discussing her taking off a semester. She is not even sure she is in the right major. It’s hard to discern whether it’s depression affecting her interest, or she just finds it dull. Her real love is animals, and she is exploring becoming a vet tech. But, then she says she almost feels like a failure going after an associates degree and making a lot less money.

I reminded her that doing what we love makes us happy, not money. She likes to live very simply, so she gets it.

We did discover, however, that she has only one semester left to get her BS degree – 1 year early! I had no idea. She is coming home this weekend and we will chat more about the options then. But, I think she is leaning towards sticking it out for one more semester. She’ll graduate with her brother! Really surprised me she had so many credits! She has a therapist now that she says she likes and is connecting with, so that will help her navigate all she is going through. Our communication is open too, so I’m thankful for that. In any event, I think she needs mom right now, so we are also exploring her moving back home for a while to work and maybe start school for a vet tech.

Life is full of twists, turns, hills, and valleys.

I can’t wait to find out what is around the corner and over the hill in a place yet to discover.

Grace

[Grace21]

My heart is breaking for my daughter. She will be home today for the weekend, but I received late night text messages last night. She was consumed with worry about a prescription that wasn’t ready to be picked up before she came home. Such seemingly small things are so overwhelming for her now.

Although I was in bed, my auto response that I was driving and will get back to her responded to her text. I don’t know why. She responded “why are you driving so late?”.

So, at 1:00 a.m., she called. She cried for over 30 minutes. She is just so overwhelmed. She was worried about the prescription, had to do laundry, clean, and grocery shop before she came home. We talked about listing priorities, and crossing things off the list, etc. We talked about it at length.

I then asked her why it upset her so much that I might be driving late? She said she was afraid I might be seeing someone. I asked her why that would be so upsetting. She said because she has not recovered from knowing her dad is having an affair. I told her I wasn’t dating, and had no intention of it because I was still married. I am thankful I can tell her this with all honesty. But I did tell her that it’s possible I may in the future. I don't want to hide reality from her. She said she understood this.

I used it as an opportunity to explore with her whether it’s time she starting dealing with her feelings about her father. I will talk to her more about it this weekend. I really believe it would be a load off her shoulders if she sent a not to her dad about her feelings about the whole situation (and a response to his long e-mail to her 2 months ago). I will not suggest anything, but just try to guide her on what she feels is the right thing to do. My heart is really breaking for her.

About a year ago, my H said that D would not be a big deal with the kids adults now because they will be getting on with their own lives. How self-centered, and blind is that? He's left me to deal with it all. God certainly made me strong for a reason. I'm just sorry this is the reason.

But, I’ll be glad to have both kids home this weekend.

Time to regroup.

[Yail]

Grace, you're a great mom. I work in higher ed and this is the time period when literally every student I encounter is overwhelmed and many are also fighting a cold/sickness along with all the other stressers. I witness this every year.

I do think fall semester has this unique time period of insane stress (and we're currently in it), and on top of everything else going on in her life your daughter is likely feeling this crunch time.

It's a tough time for us on campus too, just because we want to support every student in their needs. But parent support is so crucial.

[OwnIt]

Grace, I know it hurts to see your kids hurting. I've been through it with both of mine. It does get better as they cope with the changes. My daughter is about the same age and also in college. What I can tell you, is that she can verbalize these things and share her pain with you is a really great sign. She is reaching out and seeking help and understanding. So much better than the alternative.

[peacetoday]

Im sorry about your D
It is so hard to see them in pain..I also know first hand
I Like what Yail and Own said

I saw my D also get a bit stressed at college all of a sudden
Its a big shift to be away and all the responsibility

Im glad she shared with you

Sometimes thats is all they need , a loving ear, sometimes a good therapist is helpful

I dont think sharing her feelings with her dad is a good idea, at least not now-

I see the MLCer discountiing the feelings others may have because they dont think they did harm or refuse to face it
and any rejection from him may make it worse
A therapist may be a good guide
at this young age, she can learn to share her pain, deal with her grief..so she can move ahead
No one is pain free

I always found it helpful for my kids to come to me
I thank them for sharing their pain

I know its hard- to hear
but once shared...they seem ok

[Grace21]

H and his cowardice is on my mind. I suppose it's because the kids are home for the weekend and it brings up raw emotions about his lack of interest in the kids. How do these MCLrs do it? Just give up a loving family in such a manner? I don't suppose I will ever understand it. Maybe (probably) it doesn't matter.

I dont think sharing her feelings with her dad is a good idea, at least not now-
I see the MLCer discountiing the feelings others may have because they don’t think they did harm or refuse to face it and any rejection from him may make it worse. A therapist may be a good guide at this young age, she can learn to share her pain, deal with her grief so she can move ahead
No one is pain free

I’ve given this a lot of thought. Perhaps my old self is coming out in that I am trying to control events (in this case the relationship between my kids and H). I think you hit the nail on the head. H doesn’t believe he did anything wrong. D20 just wants him to admit his actions (and maybe apologize?), instead of just makings excuses and giving lame reasons why he did what he did. I don’t think this will happen any time soon, if ever. I will leave it alone for now. D20 is in therapy. She has had 3 or 4 sessions, and is trying to go weekly. She says she is connecting with him. I’m glad.

S22 said he stopped communicating with his dad. He said he is considering sending him a note that H can maybe contact him after the New Year. He said his dad never initiated contact with him, so he stopped. So sad! We talked a bit about his college graduation coming up this spring. He said he’s not sure he even wants his dad there. Wow.

Went to a Halloween party last night. It brought up old wounds. Halloween was always a very big deal for H and I. Our home is well know for decorations. H really did a good job. Anyway, a Halloween party 2 years ago was on my mind. We invited, and went with, OW, her H and friends. They were in a full blown affair at the time. Looking back, I see the signs in how they interacted. A few months later I found out. All the old hurts came back. I’m trying to once again let them go. I’m not even handing out candy this year, much less decorating. I sold most of our decorations (made some nice money, too!). I have plans with a friend for dinner. I just can’t face all the questions about why H isn’t decorating this year.

I feel like I’m regressing a bit in dealing with all of this. I don’t want to be consumed with thoughts of what was, what H isn’t, the choices he’s made, and visions of H with OW (usually having fun, laughing, or even having sex). I hate it.

Maybe my problem is when they come, I fight them, so they never really leave. I need to let them come, and pass perhaps.

Easier said then done.

I realize these emotions will fade. Probably never go away, but fade and hurt a lot less. I think how far I’ve come in a year. Quite a long distance.

More time. That’s probably all I need now.

Right now, though, it’s time to love on my kids and get on with my day.

Grace.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Grace

I am sorry D20 and S22 are taking things hard. This is a difficult time and situation to get through.

My advice regarding D20. She should not share her feelings with her Dad. However, she should, and needs, to share her feelings about her Dad. Not with him necessarily, although that will have benefit for her.

From experience, the MLC parent gave up their kids, my four kids and their mom for example. The MLCer cannot handle their own emotions, never mind anyone else’s. H will be unable to hear or help with D20’s feelings. This is an important clarification - her feelings, things she is working her way through. You obviously care and can listen and help, and can see how ineffective H would be.

D20’s feelings regarding her Dad can be told to him. She can, and might need to get stuff off her chest. It is a similar path we all had to walk as well. I do believe giving their Dad space and time is valuable for our kids also. Blasting him might feel good for a short while, but not for long term. I’d encourage a better path for your kids.

Encourage her to share her feelings with you, therapist, whomever - but not Dad. Conversations with MLCers is more just telling them, and expecting nothing in return. That was hard to learn, wasn’t it? Teach you children that. Keep expectation to zero. Accept who and where Dad is for now.

Unmet expectations lead to resentment.

Dad has changed. Your children need to find acceptance of that, which takes time and is a convoluted path. Be their guide. From what I’ve learned, most people do not understand what we or our kids are going through. One really does need to live this to have insight.

I feel like I’m regressing a bit in dealing with all of this. I don’t want to be consumed with thoughts of what was, what H isn’t, the choices he’s made, and visions of H with OW (usually having fun, laughing, or even having sex). I hate it.

Those regressive feelings are just that - feelings. I assure you, this is forward progress.

I also had those thoughts of what was, what’s been lost, and those icky visions of spouse and affair partner playing house and having sex. And I hated it too.

In truth I still have those thoughts, I am right now as I need too since I’m writing to you about them. The thoughts very seldom ever just spring up anymore. They no longer consume or hurt. In fact after this post, I’m heading outside to shovel some of my scrapped off gravel back on to my road; before I’d been consumed and sad.

In dealing with your feelings about these icky thoughts, you are finding acceptance. That is forward.

After accepting, and compassion, and empathy, look to forgiving. Both for you and that goof of a husband that threw away such a good loving woman.

I found forgiving me was the harder of the two. It’s expected (haha expectations) I suppose, we all hold ourselves to higher standards and expectations (again hmmm something going on here). And that is the deep seed to find - our unmet expectations and our resentments of that. Be kind to yourself - you deserve it, and are worth it.

You are correct about fighting your feelings. We can’t beat them. Accept them. Stop feeding them and they wither. Time is a gift and you are using it very well.

The intensity of ones feelings and emotions does fade over time. I place feeling as a temporary thing.

Emotions are deeper, primal, and tied to beliefs. Emotions do not burn as bright as feelings, they are more embers, and as such they do not flicker out quickly; they are part of what makes a belief.

For the most part, beliefs are us, they define us. One’s beliefs are the basis for our lives, values, understandings, empathy, etc...

Good strong beliefs don’t hurt. They are uplifting, and their strength shines out. The thoughts and emotions from such a belief are wonderful to experience.

Beliefs are choices made over time. Eventually choices are belief over time. The appearance of choice seems removed as we live true to our inner convictions.

You are a good strong person. Make good strong beliefs. Someday you will look at what was and be happy for the time you had with H, and not for the time that was taken away. You will even find peace with his path.

Have faith. God has indeed made you strong. Keep using it well.

DnJ

[peacetoday]

The pain we feel about the OW and H lead us to acceptance
embrace the pain and allow it
trust it heals us and then passes
the thoughts are part of it, but I always found sharing thoughts/pain with a trusted person helpful

then distracting myself from the pain and practicing letting go-



getting busy, hobbies, gardening , petting animals, listening to uplifting speakers, reading

Now I can tell you.. I still think of XH from time to time, but I know he is miserable with OW,
and his life turned into a real mess.
so I can honestly say I regret nothing..I stood..I waited..I was kind and patient for almost 2 years

Im not sure my XH has no regrets-

but what I am saying is the thoughts and pain and feelings around your H an OW will fade and disappear and you will feel NO pain when thinking of him after time

same for my kids...they may feel something from time to time and they both have a therapist to talk to--
about dad leaving -but really they just adjusted
I hope they dont repeat it in their own lives..but God is in control

hang in

[HaWho]

Grace - It’s all a normal part of the process. Time will heal you. So wise to look at how far you have come!

I had a live - in MLCer for 4 years. Know that someone who blows up their life in this fashion is truly broken. And they always choose a broken down OW; clearly the case here as they both were having affairs. It’s a pretty vulgar start to their “romance.” Nothing to envy there. They will work their issues out on each other and that’s why they were attracted.

Regarding Halloween and not wanting to be asked questions, that is understandable. We learn who our supporters are. I went to the first family wedding since my D and coming from a very Catholic family I was dreading it. But the person I was most worried about told me to hold my head high and feel no shame.

We begin slow by rebuilding some beautiful moments in all this chaos. Then suddenly we start to build beautiful days and then weeks. And somehow years later, we have build a beautiful life!!! Like Peace says, years later, the pain is gone. It takes time.

You are the prize. Hold your head up high and your shoulders straight!