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A Message from Michele
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Working on it #2862403
08/22/19 12:31 PM
08/22/19 12:31 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Previous Thread:

Clearly haven't figured it out

For some reason posts to my thread werenít showing up for me after my last big one this morning. Weird. Maybe I need a new thread.

He replied this morning

ďThanks, we are good for now, we are staying with family close byĒ

Havenít responded

Last edited by job; 08/22/19 12:35 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862405
08/22/19 12:32 PM
08/22/19 12:32 PM
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It wasn't because you needed to start a new thread. I had that same issue viewing other posts several weeks ago. However, I'm glad you started a new thread.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862406
08/22/19 12:39 PM
08/22/19 12:39 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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And I would not respond


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862411
08/22/19 01:19 PM
08/22/19 01:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
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ďMaybe Iím looking in the wrong places and finding the wrong peopleĒ

Where am I supposed to be looking ?! Clue me in!

I havenít responded and I have training someone today so Iíll have to be a good little girl and focus and work anyways.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862412
08/22/19 01:20 PM
08/22/19 01:20 PM
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Posts: 2,655
Canada
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BACK AWAY FROM THE BUMBLE!

((Ginger1))

I know there's a temptation to look. I saw a really cute woman on POF where I lurk a year or so older than I am who describes herself as a "sapiophile", has masses of freckles and I DIDN'T CONTACT HER.

We both need time to heal ourselves and not use someone else to do it.

How about we both put a mark in the sand and hold each other accountable and not reach out for another partner until September 28th at the earliest. Deal?

You can do this - but you've got to heal first and fully let go of "what could have been" first.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862421
08/22/19 02:22 PM
08/22/19 02:22 PM
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I promise, no dating. I like that pact and the thought of keeping each other accountable.

I have such a full schedule anyways. Beginning of the school year, cheerleading season....Iím busy.

Friday night I am going to chill on the couch and watch bohemian rhapsody. Saturday all day I am doing major yard work. The weather is supposed to be beautiful. And Sunday I work.

I do need time to heal. I feel like I have 85% let go of him. I think I was letting go when we were together.

Iím just tired. My soul is tired

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862429
08/22/19 03:13 PM
08/22/19 03:13 PM
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Hey ginger

I gave myself almost almost 3 months after breaking things off with last boyfriend. And I was the one to end things. I was very busy. And just needed to evaluate. I was pretty depressed and in a bad mood during that time. Not because I missed him. More because, I didnít understand why I was ever even with him.

I canít say that I went back on line a fully healed person. I donít believe thatís even possible. And people that think that way will end up never partnering. Iím wondering if itís just a matter of finding a partner thatís dysfunctions mesh with yours in a non abusive way? Kind of like Don finding someone else that wants a casual relationship. Or me, that doesnít mind clinging and feels safe with it? Or maybe a balance between being capable of being vulnerable but healthy enough to maintain personal boundaries and willingness to let go or experience loss when those needs arenít met.

I had posted in your last thread to google the term ďlove addictĒ. Someone just told me about it yesterday. It kind of fits in with codependency but a bit different. Do you see yourself in that role?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862435
08/22/19 03:32 PM
08/22/19 03:32 PM
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I think everyone enters a R at our age jaded to some extent and not able to love as completely as we once did. I don't think I will ever return to level of innocence I had with my xw.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862438
08/22/19 03:54 PM
08/22/19 03:54 PM
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Confession time.

I responded with a ďyou know where to find me if you need me, again, I am very sorry, please give my best to your familyĒ

I got a thank you in return.


Go ahead 2x4 me. I deserve it. Anyways. I just deleted the texts. Iím done now.

Later tonight I will get to the love addict thing. Interesting what I read. I donít think itís me, although it almost describes me.

We all have baggage and itís how well we carry it and if baggage is compatible

No dating for me now. I donít have that kind of energy

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862444
08/22/19 04:08 PM
08/22/19 04:08 PM
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Oh G.....hes a big boy, he knows. Please no more.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862449
08/22/19 04:32 PM
08/22/19 04:32 PM
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No more, I promise. All deleted. Iím kind of exhausted today and I do stupid things when I get exhausted. Which usually includes eating something unhealthy which I am not doing right now.

Today we are doing our first department activity of monthly meditation at 2pm. Maybe I need it, lol. Our boss is a hippie wiccan who does yoga, meditation, into rocks and gems and some magic and smells like patchouli

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862450
08/22/19 04:32 PM
08/22/19 04:32 PM
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Yeah, no more texting. If he wanted more he would have responded differently - he doesn't. Stop putting yourself in that "one down" position.

Last night I was at a show (Dave Alvin and Jimmie Dale Gilmore - great!) with my BFF and mentioned that I still worry about what happened to my Love Avoidant booty call friend who ghosted me - and she pointed out that if he wanted me to know what happened to him I would know. That's so true. While I can only guess he's fallen down into one of his horrible depressions, or something happened that made him feel less than (like losing a job or something) and he's too proud to be in contact in that situation, I'll never know for sure unless he wants me to know. I'm pretty sure he's not dead since I returned something by mail to him and it didn't bounce back, and no obituaries showed up.

Onward and upward. Better men are out there for you, and you're learning a little more each time, even though it's painful.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862451
08/22/19 04:47 PM
08/22/19 04:47 PM
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Ginger I really fear you are flirting with danger here. I hope you will get back on track. In drug addiction a relapse often happens long before the drug is taken and the actual relapse occurs. It starts small, flirting with triggers, visiting an area - in essence openg the door for it to happen. You are opening doors. Then it will be "it just sort of happened. I wasn't planning or trying to make it happen." You're flirting with danger here talking to him, matching with guys OLD. Next it will be, we are just going to meet for a drink, just harmless fun (with M or someone new from OLD) but it won't stop there because you are hurting and vulnerable.

You know what you are doing is destructive but you can't stop yourself. Now is the time to walk it all back. Block him again. Stop contact. Do not "just checking out what's there" on the dating apps. Don't even look. Nothing good will come of it. You don't have to have a guy or a BF to be whole and worthy.

There is no doubt in my mind that you have love addict traits. Would you fit the diagnosis? I have no idea. But multiple components are clearly there - especially the trauma growing up and with ex and the need to have the guy constantly reassure you like with morning texts (ah, exhale, he still loves me, I'm okay for now). Other parts may not fit. I'm that way with love avoidant. Some parts clearly fit while some do not fit at all - most certainly the over dominant parent. That pice totally does not fit me even though other parts do. There is also a well established phenomenon of love addicts finding love avoidants. You may also see yourself there with past guys. I know I have with past women.

For now, I hope you'll get back to where you were a few days ago. You've had a little slip but you can stop it from turning into a big slide but you have to start now. No more contact or checking up on M and no more OLD for awhile. Come here and post all you need. Meet up with friends all you need. Go to spin class or whatever class you want. Keep the healthier eating going. Those are all positive things. You'll soon be back to where you were earlier in the week


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862455
08/22/19 05:12 PM
08/22/19 05:12 PM
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I feel stupid, it was a reflex, I took the temptation away. I know he would have told me more if he wanted me to know. Iím back on track and wonít be contacting at all. No need.

I donít need a BF either. Iím good not having one. Iíve mostly been single for my adult life and not in love. I have a friend who pretty much has not even 2 hours between boyfriends ever. That isnít me.

I do want to just focus on me. He will be gone and forgotten again. I promise you that. This was just an unusual situation. And more about me than him feeling like I wanted to help people I cared about. But help isnít needed or wanted.

Going back to where I was. My time is occupied. Iím good

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862476
08/22/19 06:28 PM
08/22/19 06:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Confession time.

I responded with a ďyou know where to find me if you need me, again, I am very sorry, please give my best to your familyĒ

I got a thank you in return.


Go ahead 2x4 me. I deserve it.
Hey - I'm not about to cast any stones or lumber here at all. This stuff is hard. We're used to helping and being there. We want to help and be there.

B was very consistent on texting / messaging all the time and expecting me to do the same. Long phone calls on my drive home even when we lived together. Needed to know that I got to work safely, got home safely if she wasn't there. I felt needed, wanted and loved. Having to stop all that cold turkey isn't easy and having it just completely stopped by the other person us just a head in the blender event. It's as if what we had doesn't matter and never existed - and we'll probably never know the truth of that. And yeah - I've slipped more than I've admitted to as well. So don't feel too bad. Most of us here know just where you are right now.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862489
08/22/19 08:45 PM
08/22/19 08:45 PM
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What a bad day at work today. I had to skip mediation and I think the bosses were mad but I had too many problems going on.

Still here, waiting for a phone call. D11 is going to have to feed herself a PB sandwich before practice for dinner. No choice.

Andrew, yes, it is very hard to stop your normal routine with someone cold turkey. Iíve had a year of it. And to respond and help was my normal routine.

I can fully empathize with the ďas if we donít matterĒ part. Itís tough. I feel like it never existed or never counted. But who really knows what he is thinking. And how much does it matter.

I was thinking if I was in the situation in reverse. What would have he done? Most likely not even reach out.

I am fully sick of being with people or caring for people who donít give a poop about me. He actually did get upset with me the other day because I donít take my contacts out to sleep ( awful habit) he told me ďI really care about you, thatís why I am getting on your case, I donít want you to hurt your eyesĒ it actually felt really good because he sounded like he cared. How pathetic

I donít even feel like being around people. I feel like being alone. Alone, but productive.

I got a lot to sort out in my head and my mind. I feel like my adult existence has been trying to figure all of this out. I envy those who never had to do all work and just go about their lives the way they are supposed to

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862490
08/22/19 08:59 PM
08/22/19 08:59 PM
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I really get it - with both of you - I honestly do. I think it's perhaps even harder when there was not a fight or event that caused it. I mean if either M or B had cheated or you had been at each other's throats, dreading going home or for G the next time together. But that was not the case at all for either of you - not even close. While I'm not a rescuer or helper or saver (odd enough since I did exactly that for nearly 25 years as a Paramedic) I am somewhat good at being friends with those I've dated or loved - not strong, close friends, but certainly friendly.

It's hard enough for me to wrap my head around how people can seemingly throw a switch and, poof, they are gone. Neither of you really saw it coming or had an event like I listed above. Yeah, it was not completely unexpected, but still not completely forecast. How do people do this? I don't get it and I think part of it for both of you is neither do you - because none of the three of us would ever do this. If I'm about to break up with you or am losing interest you are going to know it. How do people one week talk about the future, buying a home or mobile home, or talking about having plenty of time in the future together and all the things you will do. How in the F do they do that and live with themselves? Are people just this dang broken? It then leaves those in their wake less likely to trust in the future - I know it does for me. How can you not wonder if the words you are hearing are real and true?

Sorry, may have taken a little detour there but thought I'd throw that out there. You are sounding much stronger with M again Ginger. Glad to hear it. I can only hope you'll do the same with the dating apps - not forever, just for a few months. Thing is, just like with a walk away spouse, it's after the left behind really gives up and says I'm done that things change. This might be the same - when you say, I'm done dating, I'm just going to live and see what happens that things might work out. I know they've worked better for me IRL - not that I'm tearing it up out here - but I'm very content pretty much all of the time... Cruisegate 2020 aside. smile


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862504
08/23/19 12:18 AM
08/23/19 12:18 AM
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G, I don't think you're a Love Addict. I think you're just more in the typical position of most younger women - wanting love, and commitment, and marriage or a marriage-like relationship. Too many young men in our culture are looking for something different than that, or THINK they are - which gives them the upper power hand.

And yes, your fear of abandonment because of your losses with your mother make you just a little more sensitive to all of that. But really, you handled yourself better in this relationship than you have in the past. You didn't dive in as fast. You at least waited 6 months before involving the kids. His words were flowery enough to obscure the disconnect with his actions. You're actually letting go pretty good here, which isn't easy when there's so little closure. You're recognizing that HE wasn't up to YOUR standards of someone you would want to spend your life with.

It's normal to miss the texts and daily contact. It's lonely to be single, when you're partnered up there's that comfort of having someone you can always talk to. Some of us are lucky enough to have best friends who fit a little bit of that role.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862518
08/23/19 03:01 AM
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Honestly, I really struggle with the lack of true closure and how this went from ď Iím so lucky, Im so happy, love you so muchĒ to there is something missing between us almost overnight. This is my biggest struggle. Itís killing me. The answer wouldnít change anything, but his spoken word was so powerful. I decided to go to my friends house tonight and we were talking and what she truly believes he was trying to say was he just couldnít do it because he is t ready to give what I need. Couldnít or didnít want to, but either way, wasnít ready to give what a relationship takes and knew he couldnít and felt bad. Maybe I can accept this explanation and believe it. I got to where I am today because I got through everything. I dealt with everything head on. I had to feel it all to be where I am. He never mourned the loss of his wife. I think he is avoidant of that pain. Heís a tech guy and he went right into divorce lawyers and court battles and the technical stuff. But he never mourned that loss of the woman he once loved. He felt the pain of possibly losing his son, but never of losing his wife. He avoided it. My husband left me for the woman he cheated on. What kept me going on the first year is that they would most likely break up. Instead they moved on together and got engaged. I then had to deal with the fact she wasnít leaving his life and I would have to face the betrayal which was right in front of my face for the rest of my life. That was a huge emotional turmoil I had to work through in therapy and face every day. I did the work.

I wonder if we had our face to face how much more would have come out. He got away with a brief text because he said he refuses to engage over text. Iíll likely never know the real reason. But while he needed to back up how verybpowerful words with his actions, he didnít fail completely at that. He always gave me enough to keep, until he decided he didnít want me anymore.

I just really want some closure to this and I will most likely never get it. I feel like I might never be able to trust again. I feel like there is so much more to this I will never know about. I miss him, but not horribly. I miss having a boyfriend. I miss his son. I miss our family time and our dates. But I wasnít getting what I needed emotionally. He has a block up on that end. I do wonder if he thinks of me, if he misses me at all. Or if Iím just gone and forgotten like we never happened

I can keep going in circles bit that isnít healthy.

I donít think I am a love addict either. How can I be addicted to something I never really had. You are right, KML, I want what we want when we are growing up. Love and commitment. I was married, but not for long. And there was zero commitment and love at a very limited capacity. Then it was over before I was 40 and here I am running head first into 40. Watching my ex have it, yet I donít. That stinks. I want what everyone has had at some point. I never had it. I canít say my ex husband was so in love with me at one point or was committed to me ever. I was disposable to him from day one and I knew it. The guys I have dated, well, I was a filler until the one came along. And the one usually comes along for them a second later Iíve been working hard at a do over in life. A chance to have something that I guess I see as pretty basic. And basic is extraordinary to me.

And yeah, I feel abandoned by a lot of people I have loved in my life, including my own mother, and in some respect, by my father, the one I loved incredibly and leaned on. Iíll never ever tell him that though. I was number one in his life until he thought I was old enough to be ok on my own. Only it turned out I wasnít at 17 years old. And that lead to bad decisions on my love life. Pretty shattering ones.
My friends, however, have never ever abandoned me. My friend who was my exHís GF should have abandoned me after I hurt her like that. She may have hated me for a few years and got her revenge, but she decided to love me again. Thatís a great gift in my life. One I donít deserve.

I just want a do over so bad. My ex got one. I want one. I want the love and commitment and the chance to get to make the right choices not based on circumstance. Feeling like you are being punished your whole life stinks.

Now that Iíve rambled enough.... tomorrow is Friday and hopefully a better work day. Saturday Iíll be doing lawn work, and my BFF and I have a dinner date at a seafood buffet . We are happiest eating all you can eat crab legs and shrimp, taking our time. We would marry each other of we were lesbians. Sunday, work, but thatís ok. Next Wednesday o am taking D to the salon in NYC I went to and got my special curly cut. She has the most beautiful curls, but needs the right cut. Then Iím going to treat her to a nice lunch in the city. It will be a fun girls day.

I sound miserable but Iím not. Iím just sad. There is a little hole where he was and Iím working on filling it with other stuff. If I could just truly understand this, that would help, but Iím not counting on it.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862526
08/23/19 10:44 AM
08/23/19 10:44 AM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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I am sorry G......you just dont know what he was struggling with internally. It has nothing to do with you.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862528
08/23/19 10:58 AM
08/23/19 10:58 AM
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Thanks j. I was just coming by to ignore my rant. You are right, I donít know, lll most likely never know, and it doesnít matter, the outcome is still the same. I just need to move on.take care of me and D. And when I look to her, I know how well Iíve handled my self now and through the years.

I slept straight through until 5 am with no sleeping aids. Thatís pretty much unheard of for me. I had crazy dreams about my best friend dating M. That was weird. She was just being exactly what he wanted and I couldnít match up. I lost the fight. So, lots of sleep, but I swear that dream went on all night long.

I hope today is a better day at work. Tonight I have a date with the dog and the couch and a movie.

Iíll be ok. I am always ok. Itís definitely different this time. Iím sad and confused for sure. But I donít have those awful heart racing triggers. It just is what it is and Iíve got to move past it

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862529
08/23/19 11:04 AM
08/23/19 11:04 AM
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My guess is he is not emotionally ready and instead of working through it he pulled the plug.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2862530
08/23/19 11:09 AM
08/23/19 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
My guess is he is not emotionally ready and instead of working through it he pulled the plug.


This is what I think it is too. He wasnít emotionally ready to be a partner in a relationship. A real one.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862531
08/23/19 11:13 AM
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Everyone comes to a R at a different emotional level, that is one of the tough things about OLD and meeting strangers. As you know, many things have to align for it to be a successful LTR. That said he will regret his decision down the road because something tells me he isnt going to do any better.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862544
08/23/19 12:57 PM
08/23/19 12:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
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Cadet Offline

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
ďMaybe Iím looking in the wrong places and finding the wrong peopleĒ

Where am I supposed to be looking ?! Clue me in!

Well - it seems that everyone these days is using dating apps.

That includes all the peoples exes that post here,
so you are likely to run into that type of person when you use these apps.
This is just my observation.
Although the apps sound fast and easy,
I think that is exactly what you get when you use them.

When I was 1/2 your age - no internet, everyone went to bars.
That seemed a recipe for disaster to me.

Both of my millenial children met there spouses without using dating apps.
I pray that is a good thing.

They met them when attending functions through their religion,
and both of them are not really religious.

I just think meeting someone IRL and becoming friends with them is important
before you go further.

I am certainly not an expert in this area. LOL!!


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862562
08/23/19 02:48 PM
08/23/19 02:48 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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I dislike online dating . I wish I could meet someone the old fashioned way. The two before were the old fashioned way.

Iím a 39 year old divorced full time working mom. I donít go many places, although I do go to bars occasionally, and I met one guy at a bar, had a date and we realized we werenít into each other sober. I donít go to church. Iíll be going back to the gym, otherwise I go to target and Shoprite and places with my daughter. And all of this is a hunch of married men with families.

The only guys I happen to like are married. There is a nurse on my unit who is such an amazing guy, 2 years younger. Married with her kids and their own kids. Sheís beautiful. Sheís a nurse too . We innocently flirt sometimes. He would never cheat, and I would never engage. But itís always been the married ones I click with . It stinks.

Iím screwd. I was truly just hoping I had finally had some luck and he was the one. I read Jís tread, and what he has was all I wanted. I thought I had it and I was fooled. I was talking to a friend /coworker who was physical therapist today and told her the story and she said the craziest stuff happens and I am so low key and laid back and I donít want drama, but I get it. She said if I was high strung and not as chill as I am I would probably handle things not as good
Iím going to be alone for a very long time. Itís not like I havenít been before.

I just had to report a family member who made antisemetic threats regarding a doctor . And thatís how my day has begun.

Tomorrow was supposed to be our kayaking fishing adventure. Just us. He was looking forward to it ( so his words said) and so was I. Whatevs

I got somebody to take my shed for free. He will be back in a few days to get it. Good bye to our project, Iím going for a new project.

Again. Just sad, defeated, and a little hopeless for my future love life

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862570
08/23/19 03:26 PM
08/23/19 03:26 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I dislike online dating . I wish I could meet someone the old fashioned way. The two before were the old fashioned way.

I’m a 39 year old divorced full time working mom. I don’t go many places, although I do go to bars occasionally, and I met one guy at a bar, had a date and we realized we weren’t into each other sober. I don’t go to church. I’ll be going back to the gym, otherwise I go to target and Shoprite and places with my daughter. And all of this is a hunch of married men with families.

I get it.....I was not at all interested in online dating, but because I live in a small area, that tends to be about the only way to actually meet people. You live in a more populated area, but still, meeting organically just doesn't seem as easy as it did. I chalk that up to just being a product of our ever-changing tech world.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m screwd. I was truly just hoping I had finally had some luck and he was the one. I read J’s tread, and what he has was all I wanted. I thought I had it and I was fooled. I was talking to a friend /coworker who was physical therapist today and told her the story and she said the craziest stuff happens and I am so low key and laid back and I don’t want drama, but I get it. She said if I was high strung and not as chill as I am I would probably handle things not as good. I’m going to be alone for a very long time. It’s not like I haven’t been before.

Oh, G....please do NOT do this. You are NOT screwed and you will not be alone for a very long time. Those are extremes. I know you are down and it likely feels that way, but you have NO idea what tomorrow or next week or next month will bring. You thought you had found what you were looking for, but girl, that man was NOT ready to be all in with anyone so he truly did you a favor by walking away. Yes, I know it doesn't feel like that now, but you WILL love again. I know you are feeling sad and down, but this doesn't help when you think in such absolutes as being screwed and never loving again. You are a lovely, vibrant, still young woman with so much to offer and though it doesn't seem that way now, there WILL be someone who comes along that makes you feel special and like you matter and that you are the one and only. Just hang in there.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Tomorrow was supposed to be our kayaking fishing adventure. Just us. He was looking forward to it ( so his words said) and so was I. Whatevs

Ok, so I'm just going to put this out there for whatever it is worth, because you have said this many times in the past few weeks since M left. I know others have said it, but I think it bears repeating. "He was looking forward to it (so his words said)" sounds like you are, yet again, somehow blaming yourself or taking more of the responsibility for what happened than you need to. His reasons, whatever they were, have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I do, honestly, think M loved you, but I do not think he was capable of love to the same depth that you are for whatever his reasons are (he hasn't worked his sh!t out with his XW, he just really isn't a deep loving kind of guy....whatever, but the point is, they are HIS reasons and not about you). I think, more likely, he did love you and saw that you loved him, but he was just not capable of loving like you did and that scared him and he ran. At some point, he WILL see what he gave up. I suspect that, whether he ever told you any of this or not, that he was this way in his first marriage as well and that is why it ended. I also suspect that he is a runner in general, not just from love, but from problems in general, which seems to be proven by his drug usage and the fact that when he's into a project, he's ALL in (like building a house when his XW was pregnant....what better way to avoid dealing with all of the hormonal stuff involved in that than to build a house and then he can use that as an excuse that he's doing something for her and the baby....see what I mean?)

I think when he said stuff to you, he meant it. I think he loved you, enjoyed your time, looked forward to doing things, even looked forward to the future, but at some point, he just realized that he couldn't measure up and it seemed easier to tuck tail and run than to stand up and be a man and deal. I think another big piece of evidence that he was this way was how he "handled" you. On several occasions leading up to the break-up, you lamented that you needed something in particular from him and he was holding back until you specifically asked for it, then he would give you just enough of what you needed to pacify you before slipping back to his natural setting. I think that was his way of trying to acknowledge that he knew he had a good thing and he wanted to make it work, but in the end, he just realized that HE wasn't capable of giving you what you need. So, to everyone else's point, yes, there WAS something lacking, but the lacking was IN HIM, not you. He just wasn't ready for a real, loving, loyal relationship with an amazing woman who would've treated him like a king. He just didn't know how to deal with that. Of course, this is all speculation on my part, but none of us are in M's head, so truly, we are all speculating.

I know you are sad, defeated, feeling low and it is so easy for me and others to show you the positive side and it is far more difficult for you to see it. Totally understand all that. As I often tell my daughters, I just wish I could give you the ability to see yourself the way others see you. You are NOT screwed and you will love again. An amazing guy is out there somewhere in this big old world and he's praying to find YOU, G.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Working on it [Re: Dawn70] #2862580
08/23/19 03:49 PM
08/23/19 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I wonder if we had our face to face how much more would have come out. He got away with a brief text because he said he refuses to engage over text. Iíll likely never know the real reason. But while he needed to back up how verybpowerful words with his actions, he didnít fail completely at that. He always gave me enough to keep, until he decided he didnít want me anymore.

I just really want some closure to this and I will most likely never get it

----

If I could just truly understand this, that would help, but Iím not counting on it.
I got the face to face and while us sitting there holding hands and B calmly telling me that it wasn't working, that I'd be better off with her gone, that she needed to deal with her own issues was perhaps a more gentle let-down it really perhaps didn't make mine much different than your's. The lengthy word salad text the next day help a bit but again - the whole WTF - this could have been worked out attitude is still stuck inside my head. I've debated sharing that text but it really doesn't matter. She made an effort to enunciate her reasons. I didn't agree that they couldn't be dealt with but she still left. The fact that you weren't given those reasons doesn't make your situation much different I don't think. You know in your gut what wasn't working - you've talked about it enough, just like I did.

I think that one thing that we both can be grateful for is that they did have the courage to know that it wasn't going to work and pull the plug. You and I would have kept working at trying to be patient and keep things alive. Whether it could have worked for longer, if they'd been willing to do the work necessary to keep the relationship going or not we'll never know. All we can know is that they didn't and weren't able to.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862587
08/23/19 04:01 PM
08/23/19 04:01 PM
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Because you WANTED him to be "the one", you overlooked all the ways in which he was not meeting your needs. I know it's hard when you want it so badly, but I think you'd do better if you shifted your dating focus to fun and companionship without worrying so much about the long game. Think of it as just having fun shopping around.

And stop with whining about online dating. It's really only online meeting, and by far the most efficient way to meet single available men. You can weed through 100 guys in a weekend, it'd take you a lifetime to meet that many IRL.

Take the pressure off. Give yourself a year to just date around without trying to find "the one". Try to see each guy for exactly who he is, not who you want him to be. Don't try to fit square pegs into round holes. And don't put up with any guy who doesn't make plans in advance and show you he's excited to see you.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862588
08/23/19 04:11 PM
08/23/19 04:11 PM
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She made an effort to enunciate her reasons. I didn't agree that they couldn't be dealt with but she still left. The fact that you weren't given those reasons doesn't make your situation much different I don't think. You know in your gut what wasn't working - you've talked about it enough, just like I did.


Reasons or just excuses? I suspect the latter.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862619
08/23/19 10:27 PM
08/23/19 10:27 PM
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Wow. Iím very fortunate to have great support and advice.

I really think your explanations as to why and how are it. And I can live with those. I couldnít live with a simple ď something is missing between usĒso whether or not itís true, Iím going with it. I can deal with it.

And his thoughts if he would haven told me he wasnít able to live at my capacity or give me what I need. I would have taken a whole different route this time. My friend thinks he was afraid to tell me that because he thought I would say ď we can work it outĒ the truth is, I wouldnít have said that. I was pretty done being treated the way I was. I would have said ď thank you for being honest because I do need what you can to give me in a relationshipĒ because I really did . I would have let go because I knew what o needed.

Anyways, online dating Iívebeen doing for a while. In the year up to meetings M, it was my biggest dating year. I went on a lot of dates had not the best experiences and Iíve be certainly paid my dues. I met hot chocolate through my cousin whoís ended up being a pathological liar. I hadnít my casual sex. Iíve been whatever. Iím so over it I guess. But. Itís much of a choice.

Iíve always fell into an odd category. I was divorced with a kid at an age where people were getting married. Then I was at an age where people were happy in their marriages. Now Iím coming to the divorced age. The newly divorced age. And Iíve been through it all. The guys I meet are just going through it and dealing with it or just avoiding dealing with it. Iím light years ahead of them. I guess I could up my age range. I love on a highly populated metropolitan area where there may Ben lots of guys, but it doesnít increase the quality. It puts more insane fish in the sea. More pervs. More who donít have their crap together. I live where the jersey shore types are. I live close to the NJ housewives love and I actually run into them in Starbucks. Actually someone I went to high school with dated one and was on the show. My friend literally moved to FL because the dating pool was awful. She had been on enough bad date s when couldnít take it anymore. She moved to FL met a guy online pretty fast and is now getting married.

Sounds like excuses, but itís the hard and fast truth.

I donít know what the future holds. But it doesnít look bleak regarding my dating life. I could probably have a whole bunch of casual hook up relationship...... I donít want that. Iíve had enough .

Either way, M wasnít it. He had some real potential for a while. I do believed he loved me. And in my heart of hearts do believe he will Ben the one who regret it and will born find a womanís like me and what he had with me. I hope this fire was at least a wake up call about whatís important.

Ahhh, itís friday bight and Iím in my jammies on my couch. Not anybody different than when I was dating M because Friday night was his, his night of rest and smoking a whole bunch of pot. Friday nights werenít mine either. Sundays werenít. Maybe I got a Saturday.

Tomorrow is work it day in the yard. Probably good if I get some rest.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862635
08/24/19 10:54 AM
08/24/19 10:54 AM
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Welp. I felt it last night. I cried and I yelled . I read one of his break up texts. And I got angry. And I felt so hurt, like he was saying yeah, we didnít really have anything and it was me and the connection wasnít there. When all he said the whole time was that it was there and he always expressed he found what he was looking for. I gonna say that was a bunch of BS. I remember being in the R saying ďsomeone finally chose me! I am the one they love! ď o had a hard time wrapping my head around that. But I loved it and I truly felt like I was the one for him. Stinks because he didnít chose me. What we had he wasnít sure of the whole time when I thought he was. When he told me he was. And then in one of his break up texts, he told me he wasnít sure of what he wanted . When I told a friend the story at work, she said , what was missing was HIM!!!

I didnít sleep because it was like o had a new born last night. My dog was up every few hours driving me nuts. He is a very needy dog. Maybe Iíll sneak a nap in today. The weather is gorgeous here. Iíll be outside most of the day. Looking forward to my dinner date with my friend. I just really want that feeling I had back last week. I need to find a way to get it back. It was awesome. Maybe I just need to remember there was a lot missing for me ME.

Onwards and upwards and upwards, one day at a time.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862640
08/24/19 11:49 AM
08/24/19 11:49 AM
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What helps me, is I go through a list of all the undesirable stuff. All the stuff i didnít like about him. All the ways he was a bad boyfriend or husband. Donít focus on why he suddenly changed and discarded you. (Personality disordered people do that you know)

This guy had a lot.

1. He couldnít empathize. Too many examples to even write about.
2. He was critical of you without being capable of looking at his own stuff.
3. He lived with his mom ( I know - I do too but I also know it looks horrible - and Iím embarrassed by it. He only has his kid 50 percent of the time I have my son 85 percent and my ex husband was depleting funds for years)
4. He has a drug problem
5. Did he physically take care of himself? I wasnít sure about this one.
6. You guys went Dutch for most of the time or you took him out more (I think you mentioned this?)
7. You communicated your needs and he did not care. Instead he broke up with you.
8. He was selfish when you needed help during your health issues ( I told you the story of how my ex dealt with me when I was pregnant and had to have surgery)
9. He did not want to spend time with you and created clever ways to disappear.

Iím sure thereís more that you never mentioned on here to add to this list. Heís not capable of a healthy relationship with anyone. The fact that you guys lasted this long is a testament to you. Other women wonít put up with this. (My boss actually told me that about my ex husband when we were still married)

You were dating my ex husband.


I think in the beginning itís easy to put on a mask. You liked and believed that mask. Itís not sustainable because that person you believed he was, wasnít real. All these little things kept popping up and you ignored because the mask still was intact.

He just wasnít whole and he didnít deserve you


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862644
08/24/19 12:50 PM
08/24/19 12:50 PM
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^^^What Juju said!

G, stop reading his stuff. I thought youíd deleted everything but you clearly didnít. Why keep it? I said this yesterday and Iíll say it again. I do not think he lied to you when he said all those things. I think he truly felt them. I think ultimately, though, he realized that he couldnít meet your expectations and it was likely easier to break up with you and say something was missing than to say he was unable to provide what you need. The something missing was ALL on his end. He is too selfish, too addicted to see past his own nose. I think if youíll go back and read some of your own posts in the weeks prior to the break up, youíll see how unhappy you were becoming in the situation and youíll see that you were, yet again, compromising who you are and what you want to appease him. You are worth oh so much more!!!!!!!!!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862647
08/24/19 01:42 PM
08/24/19 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
But I loved it and I truly felt like I was the one for him.

Hi Ginger. I'm glad you had a chance to have a good cry. It's therapeutic.

For me, I'm choosing the believe and accept the reality that I remember and felt both with B and my ex-wife. Yeah - there's a certain amount of self deception going on there undoubtely that for a newbie probably isn't a good idea. It may not work for you, but it's currently working for me. Then again, I'm a huge believer in the power of stories.

Because your own narrative has been consistent and something you believe, why not go with that? Sure the story has a confusing end to this current chapter but the author is undoubtedly setting up for something new and fabulous.

Enjoy your day, yard work can be very therapeutic as is time with good friends and yes, from time to time a good cry.

((Ginger))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862661
08/24/19 05:22 PM
08/24/19 05:22 PM
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I know I keep going in circles and I need to stop. Those were screenshots of texts which I deleted

Juju, I like your list! Itís pretty darn accurate. So many things pointing towards selfishness and the inability to be a good partner.

Iím happier but Iím sadder. There is relief because I was getting frustrated. Iím just feeling the hole in my life I guess.

And god, I miss his son. I lost more than him. I wish I got to say goodbye but that probably wouldnít have been good for either of us.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862728
08/25/19 03:50 PM
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I spent 3 hours on the yard and Iím really proud of the work Iíve done so far. It was good for the Sou.

My friend and I had a great dinner. Got home early and I fell asleep on the couch and eventually went to bed.

I am at work now and I feel a little better today. Did a lot of cleaning at home before work. I feel like I am getting somewhere.

I thought about one thing with M once. Nobody says something is just missing after a year. You say that in the beginning. More proof a bunch of BS.

Still dealing with this stuff in my head, but much better. Iím beginning to get a little more excited about what lies ahead for me. I usually donít do well going into the holiday season. Last year was great, I was in a new relationship really enjoying myself. This year I am again single. But I have possibilities that are unknown to me and Iím kind of looking forward to them

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862729
08/25/19 04:03 PM
08/25/19 04:03 PM
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Oh, and my daughter is NYC right now with her friends waiting on line to meet eleven for stranger things. She is quite excited.

This series has brought out a love of 80ís music for the middle schoolers

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862730
08/25/19 04:11 PM
08/25/19 04:11 PM
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G....is what Ju wrote is accurate then this man clearly did you a favor. None of she wrote screams successful individual with a bright future ahead of him. You deserve so much better.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862749
08/25/19 07:39 PM
08/25/19 07:39 PM
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Her list was right on point . And he did do me a favor. I know it. I feel a little foolish for always playing him up and leaving out the bad stuff. I think I was trying to convince myself. Just like I did with my ex.

What a day so far. I am covering the ER which is slow. I feel bad for my coworker who is covering the house so I took a call for her. It ended up being an involved mess with a doctor getting condescending with me on the phone. I put him in his place because I wonít deal with that . It is a doctor from an outside facility. Pretty sure he is going to try to report me tomorrow. Oh well. He was being a douche and not doing what was right for the patient.

Iím good news, my daughter met eleven from stranger things , got a picture with her and made her cosmetic line IG story. Sheís the happiest kid in the world right now.

When I get down I look to my kid and know I did something right.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862751
08/25/19 07:48 PM
08/25/19 07:48 PM
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you've done many things right, G. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862761
08/25/19 10:07 PM
08/25/19 10:07 PM
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Hey G. First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you mourning the loss of a relationship where you loved someone. It is a sad thing regardless of who he is. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and let someone into your heart. And I would be worried if after a week you said you were good.

You are always so hard on yourself, sweetie.

So, we have discussed the ways that we are alike. Besides the people pleasing, which played a huge role in this, there is the abandonment issue.

And when something happens that taps into all of that, we reel. We start to feel all those feelings again that we thought we worked through. And we have worked through a lot of it, but, I don't think we ever truly let it all go. It has made an indelible mark on our hearts and brains.

I have come to accept that about me and I am ok with it. It is part of who I am, the things that have happened in my life that changed me forever.

That doesnt mean that I still react in the same deeply visceral way I used to. Far from it. But I do feel badly when I experience a loss or something that reminds me of those feelings and I need to work through it.

I can certainly understand that you want to share your life with someone. I know you are ok on your own....you are more than ok. And you have accomplished some incredible things...especially these last few years, as well as raising that spirited girl of yours pretty much on your own. You would be fine alone but there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to be with someone and share your life and heart and wanting that in return.

But I think you wanted it so badly that you overlooked a lot with M. There is that people pleaser thing and the abandonment thing rearing its ugly head.

It is going to keep happening until you realize your worth. I mean really and truly know it deep in your soul. Because when you do, those people pleasing actions lessen because you know that only people who deserve you and what you offer matter. Those are the people who have weight in your life. Those are the ones who are worthy of you. When you know that, you begin to see things more clearly. You see people more clearly.

And when you know who you are, you know that the people who abandoned you...was because of their issues and not yours. It was within them.

I know it is normal to go round and round in your head trying to sort this out. Trying to see if you saw signs and missed them, whether it was real or not.

The thing about that is that you will not find the answers you seek. Because you are looking for them from a person who is broken. Someone who isnt capable of giving you the answers because he doesnt know them. It is something within him.

So, take some time to mourn. Take some time for you and to find your center. Dig deep in remembering how valuable you are. Remember your blessings in life and when you are ready, let him go.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862772
08/26/19 12:44 AM
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Oh UR. Thank you for reminding me I am normal for feeling this loss. Because I do feel it and Iím sad. I do th have that visceral reaction to abandoned as I used to have, but it does sit there in my heart.

My dad left when I was in my senior year in high school to leave me with a mother who literally went off the deep end. My mom died when I was 21, then my husband left me shortly after we had our first child. Then thereís are the guys who keep leaving me. And this isnít the first guy who told me how great I am but something wasnít missing. And I canít help Elon but think it has to be some something in me thats missing.

Until now. With M, I know itís him. Itís got nothing to do with me me.he is broken, and I canít fix him. He only knows how to deal with crazy women that are out to hurt him. He hasnít no idea what to do with a sane one who loves him. I canít own that at all. But I sure do I miss sh I think thought he was for the first few months, how much I thought he loved me. Iím mourning that.
But I feel like I have taken big strides but this time. The loss of someone you had no idea you were losing is painful.

But this time, the only regret I have is trying to talk myself into it being wonderful. But I knew it wasnít bad for a little while. I Ann so proud of myself for communicating with him how I was feeling even if it mean that losing him, like I did.

I really hope there is something amazing in store for me and everything Is coming with lessons. I thought this relationship wasnít something I earned, but itís not too the final destination yet.

But yes, for now Iím mourning this loss. I feel it. But I do th have the urge to reach out, to talk him into thinking he made the wrong decision. Iím simply ripping the mandate off and dealing with the emotions.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862773
08/26/19 12:59 AM
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Lord, trying to type on this phone and autocorrect and my banana thumbs are making me look illiterate .

I was crying as I typed the post above too. I couldnít see very well.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862785
08/26/19 02:09 AM
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{{{{{{{Ginger1}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862822
08/26/19 12:51 PM
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G.....you have been through a lot and I am sorry but I dont think there is something missing within you. What I would suggest though is to change up the dynamic. Is there a certain of guy that you go for, a certain type, a certain emotional type? I read an article a few weeks ago that essentially said that people who come from a home where there was emotional neglect, drama, one parent missing, etc. tend to enter into bad Relationships with people that fit the same emotional patterns of availability that they were chasing as a kid. The author went on to say that people who come from these types of environments are better suited finding partners that they perceive as boring or question their levels of attraction for. Just food for though but I can see some merit in what he had to say.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862836
08/26/19 02:45 PM
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I agree with j9. Thereís nothing missing with you ginger. And I do think itís been the guys you go for.

But I do notice you seem to give a lot of guys a chance - and they were all different types - and you have been very flexible and open to different personalities and levels of attractiveness.

The common denominator that I see, (with the exception of fire fighter) is that you compromise your needs too much - and maybe you go into ďIím gonna nurture and take care of my man girlfriend typeĒ a bit too quickly without taking time to see if they deserve that role. I think you try so hard to prove yourself to these guys, instead of letting them prove themselves to you. I think that sends a subconscious message to these guys that they donít have to work hard and it devalues you a bit. Personally, if I was a guy - I would be smart enough to go for that. But there is a primal thinking pattern in men where they need to win you. And again, Iím not saying to play games. Just wait and see what they can do for you before you give yourself fully.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862858
08/26/19 04:58 PM
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Juju, what you wrote was so right on point. Like to the tee. I have dated a whole variety of men. I never had a type. All different situations. But in the end, most of them ended up being pretty needy men. And I absolutely go into the ďIím going to nurture and take care of manĒ and I do. Way too early. I need them to earn a bit of that. And M did in the beginning. Then he stopped. They donít have to work hard to get that from me, and then I think they feel the pressure to give it back to me and I attract needy men, so they canít give what they can get so easily.

And to speak to J. I did try very hard to get my. Others attention and love. I tried and tried with no avail. I remember one Motherís Day I called into a radio station to have them wish her a happy motherís day. She was in one of her sleep all day phases and wouldnít wake up to hear it. I tried and tried with her no avail.

I need to change that up. Iím getting there on baby steps.

I had reposted something to IG that I posted a while ago. It says ď the people who left you did not know how to love you. That doesnít mean you are unlovable , they just are not equipped to handle the extraordinaryĒ it spoke to me.

Then I forgot that his brother still follows me. And he saw it. Hopefully he keeps that to himself.

I believe that 100% the case with M .

Oh well. Busy with back to school. D is mad at me because she didnít get her first choice elective and I wonít call the school. I told her we always donít get what we want and she will have to deal. She wasnít happy with that answer.
Learning to deal with disappointment is important. Because there will be much bigger things done the pile

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862861
08/26/19 05:06 PM
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That makes since G and could explain why you give and give because that is the dynamic that was created with your Mother when you were young. Now in your adulthood you feel like you have to give and give, chase and chase for in order for you to receive that love. That could be the dynamic that you have to change,,...Ö.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862882
08/26/19 07:16 PM
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I have to give you huge praise for your honesty Ginger. You also clearly want to do the right things. It just seems like you are way, way, way better at it from the outside looking in or when looking in the rear view. When you are in the R, you struggle to see it - or perhaps struggle to accept what you see? I very much am the same way lest you think I'm casting stones.

When I read that list from JuJu a few days ago, I thought, wow, if she is correct, how in the heck did things get this far - a year in? You've since confirmed what JuJu has seen and stated - and that's what really scares the heck out of me for you. You were seeing a future married to this guy. Had he asked, while that was not likely at least in the near term and I think you sensed that, you talked multiple times about marrying him. That's scary stuff that you were that invested and only now see how terrible that would have been. I think one of your goals is to figure out how to see and accept reality for what it is far sooner.

The D rate for second marriages, depending on who you believe and which study, is about 67% with a range of about 59 to 75% - again depending on who you believe. Let's just then agree that it's pretty much a 2 out of 3 chance getting married a second time will land you right back where you are now - two-thirds or two out of three. Of course everyone wants to think they are going to be that final 1/3 group. But if they are going to have a chance at being that 1/3 who makes it, you really have to be super careful in who you select and then do the work. Of course all you can control is you. The other person is a huge wild card.

You've since said that you were protecting M. All we have to go on is what you wrote and looking back, you clearly were in love with this guy, seeing a future and ready for marriage at some point. As you stand today, it's clear there is no way you'd likely even date M again much less consider marriage.

I think you're goals and the suggestions that have been made are all good ones. It's just so hard to do. For sure you have to start seeing your value and worth. You really should not give it away as freely. Guys have to earn it. The down side is there are not that many quality guys out there who will do the work. But to lower the bar so they can meet the threshold is not the answer - even if it means most of the guys you encounter are not going to hit it. You're bar is not set too high Ginger. The guys are too low.

I also very much agree that unless you force them to meet it, most will not. I mean why would they? If they are satisfied and happy and getting what they want out of the R, what possible motivation is there for them to change? Because it's the right thing to do? If only that were the case. Who knows why M finally pulled the plug - it may be because you were starting to ask for more. But even if that is the case, that's good and he again really did you a favor - and thank God he did!

It has to stink to now admit that what you thought and reported was a great R really was not but again it's so amazing to me that you freely do that. I really can't praise you enough for that as many would try to make excuses or worse yet, be sitting waiting for him to come back and hoping he would or at least stuck in moving forward. But it is very true, the girls that make a guy want to be a better guy are the ones that will get a better guy. I again can see much of myself in this. If allowed to not stand up, I won't. If forced, and if I really like and want the girl, I will. M may have done this in the early beginning, but it did not last long.

I wish I could tell you how to do this - I just don't know. It happens to me as well - or at least has. It's soooooo soooo soooo easy to see everything and everyone for who they are after the fact or when it's someone else and so hard when you are in the thick of it and your heart is firmly involved. Perhaps then part of the answer is not allowing your heart to get involved so quickly and so easily. Again, easier said than done when you want something so bad. Perhaps then the alternate answer is to not want it so bad?

Lot's a rambling and I think I've asked more questions than I've answered but hopefully I've given you at least a few good points.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862914
08/26/19 09:20 PM
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Quote
Perhaps then the alternate answer is to not want it so bad?


As the Buddhists say, all suffering comes from desire.

And it's certainly true that the less interested I am in a guy, or the busier I am and the less time I have for him, the more interested he seems to be in pursuing me.

There has to be a happy medium, but I think G is similar to my younger self in some ways, and I KNOW my younger self would have gotten farther in relationships if I had been more demanding and less accommodating.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862922
08/26/19 10:16 PM
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One thing I am good at is giving my self a good kick on the butt when needed. I am good at hindsight, and felt this during, but I give a lot of chances. He didnít have to work for me in the beginning but he was very attentive, helpful and loving. I liked he included me in his life, with his family and friends. Itís the past few months he began to change on me. Needing his alone time, telling me he canít be tired when he has his child etc. I never handed over my emotional needs until more recently to which he rejected. I did speak up when I needed something from him, he tried, but he couldnít. I think the first real glimpse was the boob thing, back in April. Thatís when it became about him, and not about me. He did have that one night when I came ohome from the plastic surgeon torn. He told me he would love me no matter what, support me no matter what but he did feel the best decision for the both of us was for me to explant. And then he distanced the night before , the morning of, but did come that night and took good care of me.

The kid thing p!sses me off though. He initiated the idea of meeting at his kids birthday. The trip together that he distanced himself after? That was all his idea. His invited with the children were all initiated by him. We were planning our trip together NEXT year. So when he came back at me and said he did all that because he felt bad and I pushed, was. It the truth at all. The only thing I pushed was to stop lying to his son about us. Because then my daughter had to lie too. I said something after we all went to my cousins for her sons birthday and I had to make sure my D didnít tell anyone that he was my boyfriend. And that felt bad. Then he did his big to do that week and told him. That was JUNE, and we did kid introductions in February. Even though he played along after that, maybe it just got too real. He saw how much all of clicked.......

Anyways, I guess guys should be working harder.

My abandonment issues Iím sure lead to the way I treat guys. And everyone in my life. But itís also a part of the core of who I am. Iíd do anything for my friends and family, and I know they arenít going anywhere. I know how it feels when you have nothing and no one to rely on...... itís awful.

What I did yesterday by calling that doctor, I was going above and beyond. But I did in the best interest of the patient. I could have made them hash it out. But I didnít. Instead I got insulted. But guess what? It gone done!

I guess I could want it less too. I donít see myself starting a new relationship because my busy season with life is coming and I donít have the energy.

I was beginning to know he wasnít it, because there was a point I would have said yes if he asked me to marry him. Then I saw myself saying no.

Iím tired of working on myself. Iíll never be perfect. I donít want to be perfect. But I can learn lessons as I go along.

Last edited by job; 08/27/19 01:28 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862927
08/26/19 11:03 PM
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We all do

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862933
08/26/19 11:59 PM
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Agree G.....no one is perfect. I think you just need to be aware of your weakness and be confident in the decisions you make. You have a lot going for you so you shouldnít settle.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2862934
08/27/19 12:01 AM
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I read an article a few weeks ago that essentially said that people who come from a home where there was emotional neglect, drama, one parent missing, etc. tend to enter into bad Relationships with people that fit the same emotional patterns of availability that they were chasing as a kid. The author went on to say that people who come from these types of environments are better suited finding partners that they perceive as boring or question their levels of attraction for. Just food for though but I can see some merit in what he had to say.


Well, that's certainly true for me ... even though my exh was the opposite of that when we got together and for much of our marriage, by the end he absolutely fit the same emotional pattern of exbf and my family of origin.

Interestingly, I do not find my friend boring, but I have consistently questioned my level of attraction for him. hmmm.

Also Don, during our state-mandated parenting class for divorcing parents, we were told 60% of second marriages end in divorce and that the vast majority are people who re-married within 5 years of their 1st marriage breaking up, so clearly they just brought the same problems to the new relationship. Makes you see how important it is to really focus on ourselves.

G, I know you're tired doll. Take a break from all this. It's the end of summer. Do something awesome this weekend. Re-group, honey. Self care. Spend time with your gfs and your adorable daughter. You can re-visit it later.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862939
08/27/19 12:17 AM
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Watching a very interesting Ted Talk on Narcissism and Its Discontents that my friend sent me. I highly recommend.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862943
08/27/19 01:15 AM
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Funny enough, my ex remarried within 2 years to his affair partner and they are going on year 7. They will most likely beat the odds.

I am very emotionally tired and I do need a break. This weekend my friend is in town and we are having her bridal shower Saturday and Sunday we are doing a mini bachelor/bachelorette party at a place where you rent a room for private karaoke. Iím going to try to look nice and feel good. My friend met a guy online and in a year he popped the question. I met a guy online and on a year he dumped me, lol.

Tonight Iím missing how safe I felt when laying in his arm. His smell, his sleep apnea( hahaha) and the way he oils randomly kiss my shoulder in the middle of the night.

These are the things that are hard to let go of. And I wonder if he misses them too.

Iíll will check out that podcast. Maybe it will help me understand how to avoid such types that seem like a magnet to me.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862944
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I really hate autocorrect. You would never believe this but I spell like a champ and I am quite grammatically correct.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862999
08/27/19 01:27 PM
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I donít know ginger... I would definitely add snoring and sleep apnea to the list. With ex bf - his snoring bothered me so much I would leave in the middle of the night and go home to sleep.

You will feel much better sleeping in someoneís arms that cares about and deserves you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863003
08/27/19 01:41 PM
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I have sleep apnea and rather badly. My ex-wife used to joke that she was deaf in her right ear because of it.

I got a CPAP machine probably close to 10 years ago. It literally is a life-saver. Anyone who has apnea and leaves it untreated is being very foolish in my mind. It does put a bit of a damper on sexy time, but that mask can come of "very" fast. When B would skootch over in the middle of the night I would often take the mask off for a short while - she'd prod me to put it back on.

It did mean that impromptu sexy-time at alternate locations didn't happen - but then I'm a middle-aged guy who also needs to make sure he takes his blood pressure pills and even though it is portable, hauling around that machine takes some planning.

Sorry for the high-jack.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863009
08/27/19 02:51 PM
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I kept telling him he needs a sleep study and I told him the apnea puts a strain on his heart. He did get a little worried. But did nothing about it. He used to tell me he was going to slip me a Tylenol PM so I sleep instead of studying him. The guys I have ever slept next too have always snores.

Iím feeling a little better today. I do look forward to sleeping in the arms of someone who actually wanted to keep me safe and protect my heart. Itís all so crazy the way it happened. One second itís I love you and heís there, the next second heís gone.

For now Iím getting my house and health in order

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863012
08/27/19 03:14 PM
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As a funny - because I always joke about things - B I think liked the continuous fresh breeze from my mask during her frequent hot flashes laugh Perhaps a benefit for a partner when they hit menopause?

My ex works retail which is probably one of the most germ filled jobs going outside of pre-schoolers. Filthy money is more than just a phrase. There were a bunch of times that I was glad that the air I was breathing was coming from the opposite side of the room rather than the woman coughing in my face.

I honestly don't get it. Perhaps it's a machismo thing. When I say that it saved my life I'm not joking though. And you never really know how tired you are until you get a decent night's sleep. A colleague of mine used to fall asleep during meetings, his wife moved in to their son's room and slept on the other bunk. He got a machine about 5 or 6 years ago and the change is astounding.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863017
08/27/19 03:48 PM
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I have a friend who was so sleep deprived, she got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as the lack of sleep was literally making her crazy. She spent some time in therapy for the BPD but realized pretty quickly that her problems were not the same as the other people in the group. She went back to her doctor and was eventually diagnosed with sleep apnea. She got a machine and what do you know...the ďcrazyĒ disappeared. We really do underestimate the importance of getting a good nightís sleep and how chronic sleep deprivation can really mess us up emotionally as well as physically.

G - Thanks for posting all of your musings. I am reading along and much of what you write resonates with me. I had the picture-perfect parents however so I do not know where my need to look after people comes from. I have much to reflect on and you are helping me do that. I think you are handling things really well btw. Of course you are grieving the good things that M brought to your life. I was basically sleeping alone the last four years of my marriage and now I have someone who always wants to be snuggled up to me when we are sleeping. It feels amazing and of course you miss it. If anything happens between me and my bf, I know I will miss it like crazy.

There is someone better out there for you...I know it. You will find each other when the timing is right. Until then, keep moving forward and being the best you that you can be. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Working on it [Re: AndrewP] #2863025
08/27/19 04:22 PM
08/27/19 04:22 PM
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Okay, two words here - ear plugs!!! Of course if a true sleep disorder, not the solution but for a BF or GF (or band members - just sayin) they are sleep savers. And yes, more than once I've used them when someone I'm dating starts snoring.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
It did mean that impromptu sexy-time at alternate locations didn't happen - but then I'm a middle-aged guy who also needs to make sure he takes his blood pressure pills and even though it is portable, hauling around that machine takes some planning.


What am I missing here? Why would sleep apnea prevent having sex at the spur of the moment or in different or alternate locations? Heck some of the places I've used would not even have a place to plug the thing in! It's an airway machine - not a sex toy - at least I'm pretty sure, or maybe I'm missing something there too. But seriously, what am I failing to understand? Or are we talking little blue pill rather than CPAP? Someone un-confuse me please.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863079
08/27/19 11:00 PM
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Thanks dejavu. Iím glad my crazy musings could help others. Sometimes we are just helpers with a good heart. I am part helper part childhood issues. The nature of my profession is also helping those who canít help themselves. I always have felt like a part of reason we are on this earth is to bring light into someone elseís life. I played therapist to about 5 different patients today and that kept me at work an hour later, but I did some good. But I canít be taking on others problems. I did that a little with M. My heart just broke so bad for everything he went through. And I just wanted to love him up. I believe I added a lot to his life, even if he felt something was lacking. I was reevaluating trying to figure out what he brought to my life. He did bring new experiences like my first time fishing, kayaking, and snowboarding. But he didnít bring anything emotionally to the table except his words and I thought he had tons of love for me. But what did he do? I wanted someone to want to be with me, to chose to spend time with me. To enjoy the exciting stuff and the mundane stuff and not be so wrapped up in themselves all the time.

I am so different this time around in my breakup. I can concentrate at work, I have some tears but they are fleeting. I am enjoying life around me and Iím laughing instead of being horribly depressed. I think of him, of course, am sad for what was lost and what could have been. Sure, I wish like heck he would reach out and say heís sorry. I hate that he doesnít miss me and I wonder if heís thinking about me or he simply just disconnected like we didnít spend a year of our lives and integrating our families. But it doesnít sit on my shoulders. It comes and goes where that stuff would weight so heavy on me after a break up. Maybe Iíve just built up an tolerance to guys breaking up with me since thatís usually how it goes. I donít know.

I am exceptionally exhausted today . I worked my butt off around the house last night. Worked my butt off at work today. Tomorrow I am off and taking D11 to a trampoline park with her friend. I wanted to take tonight to do more work around the house but I am zapped. I think I might just give myself a break

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863087
08/27/19 11:19 PM
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Is like to share a little story told by my patient today.

Heís a frequent flier. He has bad COPD and heart failure. Heís only 71. Heís pretty depressed and everyone says he such a flat affect. He lost his wife.

I walk into his room and introduce myself and what I do. He tells me his story. His wife died and loved her dearly. He met her when he was 16. He was dating her sister and her sister asked him to bring her to a dance because she had no date. He did and fell madly in love with her. The years went on and they lost a child. And as a part of his grief his wife shopped and shopped. He told me he built closets for her to put her clothes and stuff in. After that she said she wanted to travel. So they travelled. Blew through a lot of money. They sought marriage counseling and they were told to date again. So they dated and he said it was fantastic. He was pretty cloudy on how she died, but Iím pretty sure it was of a broken heart from what he described.

I asked him his emergency contact is. Itís his sister in law, the sister he was dating when he met his wife. She loves him like family and will do anything for him including making sure he has help at home when he finally gets there.

It was a sad yet sweet story. Not what you would expect. He just loves his wife so much and is having a hard time getting over it. He sees a ďshrinkĒ and he says thatís been helping.

We have this awful rule in our hospital where of you have 3 hospital admissions in 90 days you need to have the conversation with the doctor about a palliative care consult. I was the one who had to do it. The doctor asked me if I think he needs one. The answer was ďno, Iím forced to askĒ he agreed. I think someone coming in there talking about end of life would give him all loss of will to live. And he was finally getting it back.

You never know what someone else is going through

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863103
08/28/19 01:26 AM
08/28/19 01:26 AM
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I did that a little with M. My heart just broke so bad for everything he went through. And I just wanted to love him up


I find myself wondering, in retrospect, whether his ex was really all that bad, or if some of it was him? He sure played the victim but in light of his recent behavior you have to wonder.

As for your man with heart failure - one thing I learned when my friend was in heart failure (he ended up with a heart transplant). They get treated with all these diuretics, which cause you to pee out all your thiamine. And thiamine deficiency leads to - HEART FAILURE!!!!

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863150
08/28/19 09:11 AM
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His ex is surely certifiable now post divorce Iíve seen the proof However, dont think he was the best husband? No. I have this feeling he was pretty self involved then too. But who knows. Heís definitely avoiding something , that guy. Some sort of emotional pain.

We diurese patients on my floor pretty consistently. Unless you are an alcoholic ( we get a lot of those too) you don get a thiamine supplement. Perhaps they all should and they would stop coming back!

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863215
08/28/19 04:29 PM
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Yeah, it seems like such a simple thing but no one thinks of it. Certainly a benign enough thing to do. "Wet beri-beri" is heart failure from thiamine deficiency.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863290
08/28/19 10:13 PM
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I had off of work today. That doesnít mean sleeping on though. This freakin dog! I made D11 get up with him at 6am..... problem is the dog afreaks our and cries for me. He is completely attached to me. Doesnít like me out of his sight unless heís doing something naughty. Follows me all over. Refuses to let me sleep. I literally need to put him in the doggie resort if I want a night of sleep In my home. I have a clingy needy toddler it turns out.

I helped D with her reading project. Then we went to the craft store because I am in charge of cupcakes for the bridal shower and they need a particular color theme.... then the shoe store was having a sale next door and 2 shows for child 0 for mommy. She was happy. Then we picked up her friend and I took them to a trampoline park and then out to lunch. Happy kids, happy mom.

I float through my days quite normally. My feel more at peace and better mentally during the day because I am not having expectaions Iíd a boyfriend who I know is going to let me down. But when I lay down to bed at night it all hits me. I was angry last night. For the lies. For making me believe he was in it for the long haul which is why I tolerated so much. For taking advantage of me and not thinking about our kids and what he led them to believe too. Or for lying to me about why we broke up. It ended in a few simple texts and a year vanished. I still sit with minimal closure and some shock and sadness. I am missing his son. His mom. The acceptance in his family. I was hoping his mom could include me in the pieorgie making for thanksgiving

Heís gone. Completely gone like we never existed. Still struggle with that late at night lying alone in my bed when my thoughts roll in.

Iím dealing though. My days are good and I am seeking enjoyment from the enjoyable. Iím sticking to my diet. This weekend will be a challenge with the bridal shower which is sure to have my favorite Filipino foods. Then hopefully I can stay good at the dinner / karaoke Sunday night. No plans for Labor Day, but thatís fine. A day at home will do me just fine.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863309
08/28/19 11:53 PM
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This weekend will be a challenge with the bridal shower which is sure to have my favorite Filipino foods


LUMPIA!!!!!! God I wish there was a gluten-free source of lumpia near me.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863314
08/29/19 12:19 AM
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There will for sure be lumpia! And I hope my favorite, turon. And pancit. Ahhhh! Carbs ! Itís going to take a lot of self control .

I am sitting on my couch and I looked over to my door. And for some reason I saw M walking in as he usually does, my dog running up to him, giving him love and heard him say ď ok, I gave you love, now Iím giving mommy loveĒ and then he squeezes me really hard and kisses me as he always did. Our Wednesday night routine

This really really stinks.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863451
08/30/19 01:10 AM
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Today was a wonderful day. Made a mistake at work, but didnít get in trouble, thank god. Had to get it pointed out as a teachable moment , but my boss said no worries, we are only human, it happens. Nobody died. And when you used to work at the bedside, we are just happy it wasnít a mistake with someoneís life. And it was that patient I told the story about.

Wore a new dress today and got many compliments of how pretty I looked. That was nice. No one said I looked pregnant today and that was a plus. Iíve been sticking to my diet like glue.

Then a coworker who works part time who knew about me and my boyfriend and how happy we were said something today about the ďgreat guy I haveĒ I told her what happened. She loves not he town he does. She was shocked. Gave me a big hug and said ďI bet you he comes backĒ will he? I have this weird gut feeling he might be the one who reappears even though he completely feel off the face of the earth with me. But it will be too late.

Then I loaded my groceries into a strangers car today and couldnít get them out before said stranger came to her car. We have the same exact common car and she was parked 3 spots away and Iíve been so preoccupied, I didnít realize until I climbed in the front seat. Then I came home and the dog pulled the rotisserie chicken off the counter and onto the floor and began to eat it. Great day so far. I did have a nice dinner with my cousin to make up for her missed birthday dinner.

Then Against all sound advice I began talking to a guy from bumble. Very cute, great profile, great job, in a band . 2 kids, no. Baby mama drama issues. He is 48 which I think is a good age for me. He looks younger than M at 10 years older . We even had a phone convo. Might have another one tonight if Iím still awake. I told my friend and I said I probably should wait and stuff, but she said ď why wait when this happened and you had no control over it? Why hold back and not move on?Ē My cousin agreed. Part of me thinks being in a place where I am not so eager to have a boyfriend and my lessons from this last R are fresh might not be a bad place to dip my toes in the water again. I have never dated a guy to get over another. But maybe I need a little shove. My hardest time with this is the whole blindsided aspect. I donít know how much Iíll ever heal from that. I canít do anything about it. Maybe itís healthier to see whatís out there rather than hanging on. There is nothing to hang onto . It was over just like that. I have actually gotten a lot of interest on bumble, but this guy Iím truly interested in getting to know better.

Looking forward to a 3 day weekend. D11 she got invited to a surprise sleepover party to this girls house that she doesnít even like. But her friends are going. So Iíll be making my cupcakes on my own. She apologized for leaving me alone to make them on my own. Sheís sweet. Iíve got a good kid. Bad dog, good kid, lol both are pretty cute though

I texted my ex a ďhappy birthday old manĒ this morning. We are only 10 months apart, so he joked ď Iím on a different decade than you nowĒ I said ďyup, Iím still in my 30ís and full of hope!Ē He thinks Iím still with M. His wife knows though because D11 was talking. About it to herself and she heard her and she told her. But I donít think my ex as his wife talk all that much though.

And thatís all folks

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863456
08/30/19 01:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I promise, no dating. I like that pact and the thought of keeping each other accountable. I have such a full schedule anyways. Beginning of the school year, cheerleading season....Iím busy. I do need time to heal.


Well at least we see what your promises and entering into a pact are worth. Yes, that's harsh, I admit it, but C'mon Ginger - YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THIS. The last thing you should be doing at this point is dating. And you just didn't have this happen, you clearly have been active on dating sights for days if not a week or more. Again, good thing you made the pact and promised everyone - including yourself.

Next step is the rationalization. Create all of the reasons to rationalize why dating now really is not so bad or may even be a good idea. Even your cousin thinks so. Is this the cousin that was or is having the affair? Yes, I've dropped the 2X4 and am using an I beam but again, C'mon.

On top of it, any quality guy, if he knew you just got out of a year-long love relationship less than two weeks ago where you thought you might marry the man at some point would run for the hills. Any quality guy would and should and you know this. The quality guy would say, look G, you need to heal, keep my number and if I'm still single in three months we'll go out.

It would be one thing if you and M had dated for a couple of months and never expressed love or were as all in as you were. This is just a quick fix to numb the pain. I get it. I totally get it. You want the pain gone but you know this is not the way to do it. It's not going to lead to the outcome that you really, really want. And you are not being fair to any guy that would date you now - again you know this. Please reconsider this. You know it's wrong.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863462
08/30/19 03:28 AM
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I wouldnítsay itís ďwrongĒ. And Iím not doing it to numb the pain. Iím doing it to get on with my life. I just want to go forward. What am I healing from? I donít know if I will ever heal from the way he dropped me. Thatís where I am struggling the most and really I just have to live with it. I canít explain this break up. It was a long term relationship where I loved the guy and his family. But I just donít want to be with or associate with anyone who did what he did to me. I only know I am putting it behind me. Iíll miss what could have been and even what was in some aspects, but in hindsight I was holding on because what was invested. But I wasnít treated the way I deserved to be treated and I think thatís why I am letting go much easier. I think I might be finally grasping on to my worth. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him, and I lost a guy who didnít value me.

Yes I broke the pact. I got online 2 days ago. We just got off the phone from an hour and a half convo. M would never talk on the phone. Only text. I like to talk. He is so much more my type. We have alot more in common. Heís incredibly intelligent. Funny and outgoing. Obviously an excellent conversationalist. Motivated and successful in his career . Told me he has never ever cheated on a woman. He is confident but not cocky and he knows what he wants and what heís looking for. I enjoyed our conversation and we are going to meet next week.

I donít think this is wrong. Is it right ? I donít know. I have never medicated a breakup with another guy. I donít feel like I am medicating now. Iím just putting what we had behind us. He did, I am and thatís all I can do. Iíve spent so much time ďhealingĒ Iím just ready to go forward. My life has been marching on. Iíll always hold a place for M in my heart, even with what he did. But Iím leaving him where he wants to be left and where I want him left.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863463
08/30/19 03:46 AM
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Oh man G.... I really do not think this is a good idea


Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey hey
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863472
08/30/19 10:02 AM
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Ginger I don't know that this is the best idea. What I do know is that doing the work is the shortcut. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863478
08/30/19 11:05 AM
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Donít get me wrong, I appreciate all the concern. I stayed up late last night thinking about this.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I am becoming ďtougherĒ because I havenít been broken up over this break up and maybe I should be. Iím sad, donít get me wrong. Itís a loss , but while I miss what we had occasionally, I donít miss him so much. I donít know how much there is to heal from. Maybe because I just wasnít happy and kind of neglected and made to be a convince rather than a priority and i was disconnecting myself without realizing it to protect myself.

Iíve been thinking about why going on a date with a new guy would be a bad idea. It would be a bad idea if I was using this guy to cover up pain and get over M. I am definitely not doing that. If I wasnít going to learn from the lessons and went on to tolerate the same stuff and give the flags a chance because I want it so bad, then itís a bad idea.

I asked myself what would be different if I went out with this guy 2 months down the line, rather than now. And I canít see much of a difference.

I think I am in my deepest place of self awareness I have ever been right now. Which is a healthy place to date.

If I wanted M back and he came walking through that door tomorrow, and I would say yes, then i shouldnít be dating. But my mouth to godís ears, the only thing that would make me consider that is his son. And I say consider it, but not do it.

I think I was getting over him while I was with him if that makes any sense.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863479
08/30/19 11:27 AM
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yes it makes sense.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863485
08/30/19 12:06 PM
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G....apply what you learned with M and keep moving forward. Imo finding a long lasting R is more luck and circumstances than anything else, two people making a choice. People change over time, some for better and some for worse. I am all for healing from a previous R but more importantly it is learning, growing and not making the same mistakes.

You are getting close.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863501
08/30/19 02:07 PM
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Ginger .... You "know" you'd have ripped me a new one if it had been me.

What's the rush?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863518
08/30/19 03:22 PM
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I get your point, G, but like everyone before me said, I am not sure it is a good idea just yet. Of course, the flip side of that is that I always tell people to do what works for them, so if it works for you, do it. Just proceed with caution.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863606
08/30/19 11:20 PM
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I actually met the guy briefly today. I wasnít really attracted.

So you are all right. I am not ready to date. Or put the effort into finding someone to date. But it has nothing to do with M.

I just got home at 7pm and I am exhausted. I worked an extra hour and a half, barely ate today and my patients sucked the life force out of me.

I have zero time to date. I am about to fall over exhausted but I have to make and decorate cupcakes, and make to party games and maybe feed myself. I cannot keep up with life. I just canít do it. My saving grace is my daughter isnpretty self sufficient, and can be left alone. I seriously donít know how o did this alone since she was a baby. In the past year I took on a new job and a new house and a new dog, and well, had a new boyfriend. Iím behind on my bills because I just forget to pay them and I am pretty friggin broke. I have time to breath yet I need a second job. And the first one is very demanding. The next few weeks are nothing but short of super busy with all of dís cheerleading events and back to school and she wants to do dance. She deserves my attention which she has been shorted on lately, although I am glad she loves spending time with her friends. And I love my dog and seriously, no one may love me as much as that dog does. He is extremely attached to me, never leaves me alone and doesnt let me sleep much. I had a very expensive surgery which is killing my paycheck.
Am
I donít know what to do anymore. I have been breaking down in tears over my stress level. I have no help. Itís killing me slowly.

My life wasnít supposed to be like this. I get slightly resentful towards my ex. He barely has any responsibility with our daughter, and he has help. He refers to ďweĒ and ďusĒ in terms of him and his wife when referring to caring for our daughter. They are the team with our child. I am solo. I have been for a long time now.

So no. I should not be dating now. And probably shouldnít be until she goes away to college. This life gets lonely. Very very lonely. I had the glimpse of a possible partner and someone I trusted with my heart and my daughter. Iím angry at him for what he did.

Iím lost, Iím tired, and I am in over my head. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

What keeps me going everyday is my daughter . She is such an amazing well adjusted little lady. She is very happy with life. Itís all I ever wanted. And I take a good portion of credit for that.

My mommy is tired.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863612
08/30/19 11:54 PM
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Big hugs ((((Ginger))))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863624
08/31/19 12:50 AM
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One bad coffee date and you're off men until D's out of high school? Oh honey.

You probably do need a break though, because dating takes time and effort and you've got some catching up to do in other aspects of your life.

Take a breather for a month then start looking when you feel caught up.

I'm curious - this guy you met, what didn't you like about him? (Sometimes it's just about wrong pheromones, I get that).

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863630
08/31/19 01:35 AM
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Thank you Andrew, I needed that.

KML, nah, it had nothing to do with a bad date. The attraction just isnít there. It solely has to do with the energy and effort it takes when I barely have my life together. If I were to meet a guy organically I wouldnít write it off. Iím so busy and so tired. The only way I pulled it off with M in the midst of moving and house buying was because he was understanding and helpful. I began my second job a month after dating... but my main job had lots of downtime. By the time I began this job our kids were introduced and we could spend time together with kids. I somehow pulled off working full time, going to school and having a long distance R with ex NG where I did all the traveling. I pulled off school, the R and work when I was dating FF because his only commitment was work and he only worked every 4th day and he spent time with my D, so he could come over whenever. He was short lived, but the one who would go any mile to spend time with me . He was happy to come over and help D with her math homework while I cooked dinner and eat with us and spend time with me after she went to bed.

Ah, but the one thing similar about these 3 Rís was me giving and them taking. Except for FF. That was a matter of age and obstacles we couldnít get over due to them.

Iím frustrated at all the effort I put in to M and his needs and issues when I wasnít holding it all together by a thread. And when I asked for some support, I got dropped like a hot potato. I put so much effort in because I believed in us. I was falsely led to believe in us. I told the coworker today who had actually met him. She was in such shock. She said the same thing. Something else was going on. And it had nothing to do with me or something lacking in our R.

But I digress. Iím failing at life right now. Iím barely keeping it all together. Thatís not a good foundation for a new R.
I canít give any R what it deserves. I canít even give me what I deserve.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863644
08/31/19 08:27 AM
08/31/19 08:27 AM
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bttrfly Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1

I canít give any R what it deserves. I canít even give me what I deserve.


And here is where you begin the real work. Once you give yourself what you deserve, someone will come into your life and do the same. You have to initiate. Start small, a foot soak before bed. Five minutes of stretching. You're sticking to your diet, that's good.

From where I stand it seems to me you're doing a lot more than you think - that's beautiful baby girl is happy and healthy and you are the reason.

You have a house that you bought on your own gf.

you'll feel a lot better after a night's sleep, but remember that line because I swear to you G, that's the key here. treat yourself the way you want to be treated and the rest will fall into place.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863647
08/31/19 12:43 PM
08/31/19 12:43 PM
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If M. Is like my ex husband, it worked in the beginning because you yourself were too busy to request time from him. If heís like my ex, most likely he was ok with kid introductions because it meant that he had to be with his son anyway so might as well satisfy your need for time and kill 2 birds with one stone.

Thatís not healthy. A man that really loves you and is himself open to a relationship is gonna do anything to be with you. My ex is an addict and so is M. And I think they are not capable of love - so please try not to take it personal. They are usually in extreme denial and play pretend to fit in and play a role.

Take a small break and self care and then give it a try again. Think positively. I agree with KMLs view of OLD. And I know lots of people that have had success. Itís just a matter of timing


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863712
09/01/19 11:15 AM
09/01/19 11:15 AM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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See, I know what I deserve. Actually, I hate the word deserve. No one really deserves anything. I know what I have worked very hard towards for myself. I hope I can truly live up to it one day.

Juju, I see lots of similar personality traits between your ex and M. The difference is That M hyper focused on his kid. Id truly like to stop attracting these broken types. I hope itís not a reflection of me.

He sees his son for the first time since before we we broke up on Tuesday. I am curious as to what he knows about everything that has been going on since . Poor precious kid. I still get my bouta of anger about what he did. It was really crappy for everyone involved. He pretended like he was being so careful with kids feelings and it turns out he was being quite reckless. I still think something much bigger is going on but I guess I will never know. His brother is still friends with me on IG. He watches my stories.

Yesterday we had my friends shower, which was guys and girls and family since they are both up here from FL. We had a blast. I won the game as to who knows the bride the best! Her mom was sweet as D and I left. She said I am one of her daughters most precious friends. She thinks my daughter is absolutely beautiful.

It was all Filipino except for me and her friends husband. Heís black. But her mom and my friends called me the adopted Filipino. I got to eat some of my most favorite foods. I am only 5í3Ē but Iím like the tallest of the crowd! D11 has surpassed my friends in height and shoe size! ( poor kid has her mommas big feet)

Tonight we all go to this karaoke thing. Guess who the 7th wheel without a date is. Yup, you guessed it. I am sad because I thought for once I was a plus one. It was nice there for a while. But if you know me, I make an excellent odd wheel, I have a great time with everyone.

I hope one day I get a chance to have my plus one who adores me and wants to be my plus one forever. Iím so glad my friend found her plus 1.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863715
09/01/19 12:40 PM
09/01/19 12:40 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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A funny side note..... D11 were talking in the car about her birthday . Me, her and her dad spend her actually birthday together . I had suggest Dave and busters and D11 was game and told her dad. He says to her ďlet your mom Iím going to beat her!Ē Dave and busters was always a popular date night for us.

Then she said ďdad gave me a picture to put in my locker at schoolĒ and then she was acting like it was something she wasnít supposed to be telling me. She said he had a picture of me and him together and gave it to her to hang in her school locker. Iíve heard about this picture throughout the years from D. He has kept this one picture of us. I guess he figures this is a good way to let go of it

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863777
09/02/19 12:17 PM
09/02/19 12:17 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Went out and did this karaoke thing with my friends last night. I was the only mom couple but they never make me feel that way. I had a freakin blast. Itís your groups private karaoke room, we got the party package with delicious food and brought our own drinks . There was so much singing and laughing. There was a moment where I just wanted to text M that I missed him. It was fleeting. There are things I do miss. But in that room with all of us singing laughing and being loud, I tried to picture him fitting in. I didnít see it. He was just not the one for me.

I was the only non-filipino there. I think I need a filipino boyfriend. I love the culture. Iíve been a part of it with my friends for so long. The guys are so funny and treat their ladies so well. Filipinos LOVE food, as do I, itís such a huge part of their culture. Family is extremely important. Long ago, I did hook up with my filipino coworker twice. He was on and off with his girlfriend at the time so nothing came of it. Luckily it never got weird working together. He went on to marry a girl with a little boy and he took on that kid as his own and then they had a daughter together.

Anyways. Iím still dealing with a lot over here. Money is a bigger problem than I thought. Iím stressing out horribly. I applied for a hospice triage job that is from 5pm until 8:30 am per diem. Triaging calls, and sending nurses out if I canít help over the phone. I am extremely qualified for this job. I donít sleep very well anyways, might as well work. I figure a year of working an extra job and Iíll be caught up. Iím financially worried. I put a lot in my retirement per paycheck, Iím going to have to reduce that for a while, and I found a few bills I can cut down on. I have been cooking more meals. I rarely ever buy lunch, I usually bring leftovers. Iím cutting back. Dís birthday is next week and I want to be able to get the gifts she wants, which arenít crazy, luckily.

Iím home alone today with no where to go and itís kind of nice. Itís a gloomy day. Going to work around the house, prep some meals for the week. Maybe even nap.

Thatís all folks

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863786
09/02/19 02:15 PM
09/02/19 02:15 PM
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Sounds like a fantastic night Ginger! Your financial catch up plan sounds like a solid one. A year goes fast and the psychological relief will be worth it.

You sound like you are continuing to reflect on your R with M and discovering new things about yourself. It is nice to read about you considering what it is YOU want. Keep it up. I fully believe the universe will respond.

(((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863805
09/02/19 05:37 PM
09/02/19 05:37 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Thanks deja. I guess I didnít even realize I am considering what I want in my reflections. But yeah, I guess I am. One of my abilities is to fit into any group and have no matter what I do and where I go as long as Iím in good company. Iíd like someone the same. And the more I keep thinking about it......he was not a committed loving boyfriend. Only when it fit into his life and purpose. Mine didnít matter to much to him. I didnít really matter to him. It kid of stings, but itís the truth.
I really hope the universe responds. Iím getting tired. Separated with a 6 month old baby at 27 and still single at 39. Watching my ex who commutes adultery have a lasting marriage with his affair partner. I always feel like I am continually paying for something.

Today is a rainy Labor Day. I have guiltily enough done nothing today but watch TV on the couch with my dog. Iím still in my PJís. Itís exactly what I needed today. Back to the grind tomorrow

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863809
09/02/19 06:20 PM
09/02/19 06:20 PM
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Hey - being in a relationship with someone isnít a sign of success. I wouldnít want any of my old relationships back. Being single is so much better then being with them. And I suspect thatís the same for your ex and the mistress. Iím not surprised sheís a lawyer. I know many lawyers I have had to deal with are educated but either lazy or not very bright. They bill hundreds of dollars for reviewing emails but I never witnessed great critical thinking in any of them - certainly nothing that was worth their fees. Can you imagine billing like that in healthcare. For reviewing a chart???? Point being sheís an idiot for being with your ex and thank god she took that life from you. Thereís so much in your writings that shows the ex and his wife are miserable.

Sounds like you had a great time with your friends. You donít need a relationship to be happy or have fun. Instead your relationship should just be a supplement or compliment to your great life.

I think failed relationship are necessary because we learn more about ourselves and our needs through those experiences. You learned from M. That you need a guy willing to give you time and settling or compromising wonít work. Thatís big and will help you next time around


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863812
09/02/19 06:35 PM
09/02/19 06:35 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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I did sound pathetic and like a defeatist. I do realize I wasnít happy in my R, but I was happy outside of it. I realized there is such a thing as being happy outside, but being unhappy inside an R. No one has responsibility to make me happy. I do that myself. But I think someone inside an R has a responsibility to make that R a good one and not make the other person feel lonely and miserable.

I think my ex and his wife are happy in their dysfunctional relationship. But itís not an R I want. It was an R I was dying inside in. It may work for them, but it didnít work for me.

My ex decided to leave his W In the car yesterday when picking up D. D just usually goes out. No idea why he came in. He spent like a good 5 minutes playing with my dog. I was like ďok, go nowĒ.

I hope to find that guy one day who adds to my life. For the first few months I though M wasnt it. We did have some great times. But in the end, it was the deep stuff he couldnít handle. I do know he had said to me a few times he had a hard time separating dealing with a crazy ex and someone who he loves like he does and isn't out to get him. Some people only know how to handle those high drama sitches. That wasnít me. I wanted a simple reciprocal love he couldnít give. Sad for him. But I am capable. And I will one day maybe find someone the same.

Relationships donít mean success. You are right. Iíve achieved most of my success outside of a relationship. Iím proud of that. I think itís too much for some .

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863830
09/03/19 04:44 AM
09/03/19 04:44 AM
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DonH Offline
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Ginger, I'm so glad that you decided not to pursue dating or anything else with that guy - perhaps with a little bit of luck that you didn't find him attractive. You sound back to where you were again prior to that 48 hours of minor crazy. smile It's not at all that you necessarily need to grieve M. That's not what waiting is about - it's about being centered and grounded and ready rather than bouncing from one thing to another. They are called rebound relationships for a reason - you are bouncing all over the place and rebounding. Once the bouncing stops, the rebounding does too - and it will, given a bit of time.

I think maybe what you need to try to figure out, in order to avoid it in the future, is why you didn't see, or didn't want to see, or didn't act when you did see the things in M that you are seeing more clearly now. Did that make sense? A month or six weeks ago you were saying how great everything was and how well the two of your families fit, etc. Then rather quickly, they didn't and now you wonder how things went as long as they did. I think that's your challenge in all of this - to figure out why you kept trying or denying or whatever with M.

Of course, and this may be the saddest part of all since we can't do anything about it... what M did, is just what so many people do. I think I've ran into more craziness than saneness when it comes to Rs. There are a few people that were very adult, very appropriate, said what should be said and we parted ways very, very functionally. But so many more are like what happened with you. They say one thing but do another, lie or at least shade the truth, bounce from one end to another. That's the really crappy and scary part of all of this - that there are so many people like M and the others out there - many more of them than there are not. I still maintain it's part and parcel of divorce as the one that don't do this are still married.

I think the best thing you can possible do is what you are I think now trying to do. Just live your life, require more of the guys, don't give away more than you should until they prove themselves and as soon as they stop proving themselves, pay attention and believe them. I don't at all think it's going to take until G is in college. I'm still not at all convinced that OLD is the answer nor can I agree that there are "many" people who have had success that way - not long term success anyhow. And the stats just don't bear it out. As I think KML has said, at best it's a tool to introduce you to more single people than real life may. Beyond that I think you just need to be the best Ginger you can be and some really great guy is going to want to be a part of that - and will chase you to make it happen.

One thing I'm positive of, by the end of this year at the very, very latest, you will not think of M at all other than perhaps to think, "What in the heck was I thinking?" Glad I can put my 2X4s away too!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863971
09/03/19 11:21 PM
09/03/19 11:21 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Yup, don, Iím just trying to live my life now. I have some pretty serious financial stuff to get together and that takes a second job which will take the reasoning time and energy I have.

What M did is finally hitting me kind of hard. I am so darn angry at him. Like really POíd. He took a lot away from me with his sudden blindsiding. Iím really angry that he didnít consider what this would do for my daughter, me and his son. How much was actually taken away but just coming out of the blue and ending everything without working on anything, which is what he always talked about. Working things out, compromise, etc. a year in and a lot invested is a long time to come out of the blue and say ď you're Awesome but something is missing for meĒ you decide something is missing early on. Not at the point we were at. I still think itís a bunch of BS and something bigger. And I have to just go in and live with this sorry @sss breakup . Iím still in the ď WTF?Ē Mode. People keep asking me if he has reached out. They thought he might. But I havenít heard boo. I canít help but think about his son and his mom who I grew close to. Itís not fair to rip all of that away with the BS reason he gave me.

But I have no choice. Today was a tolerable day at work and I got some things in order and made some phone calls that went on the back burner because of lack of time and energy . I still have to make D11 her doctors appt, dentist appts, etc. Iím just busy and handling it all on my own. Itís friggin hard. You think I would get used to it after 12 years, but it remains pretty difficult. You get used to it, but it doesnít get easier. needless to say, Iím feeling pretty down. Tough time of the year notoriously to enter into alone. I had pretty high hopes it would be different.

Will I meet someone ? Who knows. Am I looking? No. I just canít right now. Life has to get straightened out first


Last edited by job; 09/04/19 01:01 AM. Reason: edited a word
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2863999
09/04/19 03:22 AM
09/04/19 03:22 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
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DonH Offline
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You don't always expierence all 5 of them, they don't always hit in the same order (other than perhaps number five), they don't apply to all situations, but clearly the five stages of grief are pretty accurate.1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. I think you did a bit of #1 but not all. Sounds like you're at #2 now. You may skip #3, we'll see. I pray #4 I'd brief and not too deep and that #5 arrives soon - I think you've already accepted that it is - just not how it happened. Again, this ^^^^^^^^^^^ Is why dating right now is not a good idea, but it will be by about the end of the year, maybe a little bit sooner.

I'll say it again, you both amaze and impress me at how well you bounce back and try again. There's really no rush. Even if you don't meet Mr. right for another five years, you could still be together for another 30 or 40!!! That's a fricken long time!!!!!!!!!!!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2864021
09/04/19 01:22 PM
09/04/19 01:22 PM
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Maika Offline
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Ginger - there's time. quite a bit of it as Don pointed out. I am in the same position as you in that I need to get life straightened out with finances, work, and just getting some of my personal $hit together. I am also in no rush to get into a R or date around. Frankly right now I don't have the time and with so many things that need to get figured out first, adding dating as another variable into the mix is just going add more drama to my life than I need right now.

I think you have the right mindset about it and give yourself a break from all of it for a while so you can focus on getting other things correct.


No one is coming to save you!

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2864118
09/04/19 11:58 PM
09/04/19 11:58 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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I canít quite figure out if Iím brave or just really stupid and a glutton for punishment to consider dating again. Truth be told, M kind of killed my trust. I was saying ďwow, he actually chose meĒ and he dumped me a few days later. So, I think I am more a glutton of punishment.

I think I went through the 5 stages in different order except for denial, which I wonít go through, and bargaining. I am just sad and angry and I canít do a darn thing about it.

Hi maika! Iím on 11.5 years separated / divorced with this being my most serious R yet. I was 27 when my ex left me with a baby. And I was told ďdonít worry, youíll find someone to marry and have more kids withĒ and I never did. I dealt with mourning another child I will never have. My time is up for that. Iíve had the privilage of loving the children of 2 guys Iíve dated and I really mourn the loss of that. And I actively knew one of the children mourned the loss of me. I also have no baby daddy drama, I get along with them all, and I worked hard for that.

I have been ready for quite some time to build a life with a partner . But yes, I am much better off dealing with the issues at hand and living my life for me and get things straightened out for before putting energy into actively dating. I do need a break from dating. I think this breakup totally kicked my butt but I am just ha doing it much better than the others. I guess I am getting good at it.

My pain is a real thing and kicking in. Our 1 year anniversary would have been this Sunday. I was awake at 5:30 in the morning and thinking about all the things his son came home to find gone and I thought about getting him a target gift card anonymously. My heart hurts for him incredibly and I miss him incredibly.

And I remember not long before M left me, M told me him, himself loved me incredibly. Ha!!! But I like to believe he did and couldnít handle it.

Anyways, my dad came today and we went shopping for a new bedroom set and mattress. Itís beautiful. And the mattress is super comfy. I feel grateful he got that for me. I have been wanting to make my bedroom a happy restful place and I think this will help. Itíll erase M too. Everything will be fresh.

D11 starts school tomorrow. 7th grade! When did this happen? Sheís excited. I had to stop by the school today and drop off change of address paperwork. The secretary said ďI canít wait to see her cute cherub Emily face!Ē Sheís pretty well know there, lol. She actually attends the same schools my ex and I did. Two of the teachers we had are still there We have a busy next few days. Busy is good for me. Even if Iím super tired .

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2864122
09/05/19 01:06 AM
09/05/19 01:06 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
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HaWho Offline
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Ginger - it is expected that you will process and feel and heal. As you do that, just remember you deserve better! Relationships are a two way street requiring work from both parties and lots of communication. And with that can come much reward. But everything worth having in this world requires work! You canít shoulder it all.

Painful as it is, it is best you tested him now to see how he withstood a little bumpiness in the road. He did not pass the test.

You deserve a mutually loving relationship. Anything less than that is not worthy of your time.

Thx for always being one of many voices of reason on my thread!


Me: 41 H: 47, M 15 yrs., S11 & S13
BD # 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD # 2: 3/31/15 H moves downstairs to his "dorm room"
8/15: H moves to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2864145
09/05/19 11:28 AM
09/05/19 11:28 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
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Last edited by job; 09/06/19 01:10 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
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