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A Message from Michele
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Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862449
08/22/19 04:32 PM
08/22/19 04:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,939
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
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No more, I promise. All deleted. Iím kind of exhausted today and I do stupid things when I get exhausted. Which usually includes eating something unhealthy which I am not doing right now.

Today we are doing our first department activity of monthly meditation at 2pm. Maybe I need it, lol. Our boss is a hippie wiccan who does yoga, meditation, into rocks and gems and some magic and smells like patchouli

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862450
08/22/19 04:32 PM
08/22/19 04:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
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kml Online
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Yeah, no more texting. If he wanted more he would have responded differently - he doesn't. Stop putting yourself in that "one down" position.

Last night I was at a show (Dave Alvin and Jimmie Dale Gilmore - great!) with my BFF and mentioned that I still worry about what happened to my Love Avoidant booty call friend who ghosted me - and she pointed out that if he wanted me to know what happened to him I would know. That's so true. While I can only guess he's fallen down into one of his horrible depressions, or something happened that made him feel less than (like losing a job or something) and he's too proud to be in contact in that situation, I'll never know for sure unless he wants me to know. I'm pretty sure he's not dead since I returned something by mail to him and it didn't bounce back, and no obituaries showed up.

Onward and upward. Better men are out there for you, and you're learning a little more each time, even though it's painful.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862451
08/22/19 04:47 PM
08/22/19 04:47 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
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DonH Online
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
Ginger I really fear you are flirting with danger here. I hope you will get back on track. In drug addiction a relapse often happens long before the drug is taken and the actual relapse occurs. It starts small, flirting with triggers, visiting an area - in essence openg the door for it to happen. You are opening doors. Then it will be "it just sort of happened. I wasn't planning or trying to make it happen." You're flirting with danger here talking to him, matching with guys OLD. Next it will be, we are just going to meet for a drink, just harmless fun (with M or someone new from OLD) but it won't stop there because you are hurting and vulnerable.

You know what you are doing is destructive but you can't stop yourself. Now is the time to walk it all back. Block him again. Stop contact. Do not "just checking out what's there" on the dating apps. Don't even look. Nothing good will come of it. You don't have to have a guy or a BF to be whole and worthy.

There is no doubt in my mind that you have love addict traits. Would you fit the diagnosis? I have no idea. But multiple components are clearly there - especially the trauma growing up and with ex and the need to have the guy constantly reassure you like with morning texts (ah, exhale, he still loves me, I'm okay for now). Other parts may not fit. I'm that way with love avoidant. Some parts clearly fit while some do not fit at all - most certainly the over dominant parent. That pice totally does not fit me even though other parts do. There is also a well established phenomenon of love addicts finding love avoidants. You may also see yourself there with past guys. I know I have with past women.

For now, I hope you'll get back to where you were a few days ago. You've had a little slip but you can stop it from turning into a big slide but you have to start now. No more contact or checking up on M and no more OLD for awhile. Come here and post all you need. Meet up with friends all you need. Go to spin class or whatever class you want. Keep the healthier eating going. Those are all positive things. You'll soon be back to where you were earlier in the week


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862455
08/22/19 05:12 PM
08/22/19 05:12 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,939
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
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I feel stupid, it was a reflex, I took the temptation away. I know he would have told me more if he wanted me to know. Iím back on track and wonít be contacting at all. No need.

I donít need a BF either. Iím good not having one. Iíve mostly been single for my adult life and not in love. I have a friend who pretty much has not even 2 hours between boyfriends ever. That isnít me.

I do want to just focus on me. He will be gone and forgotten again. I promise you that. This was just an unusual situation. And more about me than him feeling like I wanted to help people I cared about. But help isnít needed or wanted.

Going back to where I was. My time is occupied. Iím good

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862476
08/22/19 06:28 PM
08/22/19 06:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,660
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Confession time.

I responded with a ďyou know where to find me if you need me, again, I am very sorry, please give my best to your familyĒ

I got a thank you in return.


Go ahead 2x4 me. I deserve it.
Hey - I'm not about to cast any stones or lumber here at all. This stuff is hard. We're used to helping and being there. We want to help and be there.

B was very consistent on texting / messaging all the time and expecting me to do the same. Long phone calls on my drive home even when we lived together. Needed to know that I got to work safely, got home safely if she wasn't there. I felt needed, wanted and loved. Having to stop all that cold turkey isn't easy and having it just completely stopped by the other person us just a head in the blender event. It's as if what we had doesn't matter and never existed - and we'll probably never know the truth of that. And yeah - I've slipped more than I've admitted to as well. So don't feel too bad. Most of us here know just where you are right now.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862489
08/22/19 08:45 PM
08/22/19 08:45 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,939
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Posts: 3,939
What a bad day at work today. I had to skip mediation and I think the bosses were mad but I had too many problems going on.

Still here, waiting for a phone call. D11 is going to have to feed herself a PB sandwich before practice for dinner. No choice.

Andrew, yes, it is very hard to stop your normal routine with someone cold turkey. Iíve had a year of it. And to respond and help was my normal routine.

I can fully empathize with the ďas if we donít matterĒ part. Itís tough. I feel like it never existed or never counted. But who really knows what he is thinking. And how much does it matter.

I was thinking if I was in the situation in reverse. What would have he done? Most likely not even reach out.

I am fully sick of being with people or caring for people who donít give a poop about me. He actually did get upset with me the other day because I donít take my contacts out to sleep ( awful habit) he told me ďI really care about you, thatís why I am getting on your case, I donít want you to hurt your eyesĒ it actually felt really good because he sounded like he cared. How pathetic

I donít even feel like being around people. I feel like being alone. Alone, but productive.

I got a lot to sort out in my head and my mind. I feel like my adult existence has been trying to figure all of this out. I envy those who never had to do all work and just go about their lives the way they are supposed to

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862490
08/22/19 08:59 PM
08/22/19 08:59 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,557
Midwest
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DonH Online
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I really get it - with both of you - I honestly do. I think it's perhaps even harder when there was not a fight or event that caused it. I mean if either M or B had cheated or you had been at each other's throats, dreading going home or for G the next time together. But that was not the case at all for either of you - not even close. While I'm not a rescuer or helper or saver (odd enough since I did exactly that for nearly 25 years as a Paramedic) I am somewhat good at being friends with those I've dated or loved - not strong, close friends, but certainly friendly.

It's hard enough for me to wrap my head around how people can seemingly throw a switch and, poof, they are gone. Neither of you really saw it coming or had an event like I listed above. Yeah, it was not completely unexpected, but still not completely forecast. How do people do this? I don't get it and I think part of it for both of you is neither do you - because none of the three of us would ever do this. If I'm about to break up with you or am losing interest you are going to know it. How do people one week talk about the future, buying a home or mobile home, or talking about having plenty of time in the future together and all the things you will do. How in the F do they do that and live with themselves? Are people just this dang broken? It then leaves those in their wake less likely to trust in the future - I know it does for me. How can you not wonder if the words you are hearing are real and true?

Sorry, may have taken a little detour there but thought I'd throw that out there. You are sounding much stronger with M again Ginger. Glad to hear it. I can only hope you'll do the same with the dating apps - not forever, just for a few months. Thing is, just like with a walk away spouse, it's after the left behind really gives up and says I'm done that things change. This might be the same - when you say, I'm done dating, I'm just going to live and see what happens that things might work out. I know they've worked better for me IRL - not that I'm tearing it up out here - but I'm very content pretty much all of the time... Cruisegate 2020 aside. smile


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862504
08/23/19 12:18 AM
08/23/19 12:18 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,894
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kml Online
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G, I don't think you're a Love Addict. I think you're just more in the typical position of most younger women - wanting love, and commitment, and marriage or a marriage-like relationship. Too many young men in our culture are looking for something different than that, or THINK they are - which gives them the upper power hand.

And yes, your fear of abandonment because of your losses with your mother make you just a little more sensitive to all of that. But really, you handled yourself better in this relationship than you have in the past. You didn't dive in as fast. You at least waited 6 months before involving the kids. His words were flowery enough to obscure the disconnect with his actions. You're actually letting go pretty good here, which isn't easy when there's so little closure. You're recognizing that HE wasn't up to YOUR standards of someone you would want to spend your life with.

It's normal to miss the texts and daily contact. It's lonely to be single, when you're partnered up there's that comfort of having someone you can always talk to. Some of us are lucky enough to have best friends who fit a little bit of that role.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862518
08/23/19 03:01 AM
08/23/19 03:01 AM
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Posts: 3,939
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Honestly, I really struggle with the lack of true closure and how this went from ď Iím so lucky, Im so happy, love you so muchĒ to there is something missing between us almost overnight. This is my biggest struggle. Itís killing me. The answer wouldnít change anything, but his spoken word was so powerful. I decided to go to my friends house tonight and we were talking and what she truly believes he was trying to say was he just couldnít do it because he is t ready to give what I need. Couldnít or didnít want to, but either way, wasnít ready to give what a relationship takes and knew he couldnít and felt bad. Maybe I can accept this explanation and believe it. I got to where I am today because I got through everything. I dealt with everything head on. I had to feel it all to be where I am. He never mourned the loss of his wife. I think he is avoidant of that pain. Heís a tech guy and he went right into divorce lawyers and court battles and the technical stuff. But he never mourned that loss of the woman he once loved. He felt the pain of possibly losing his son, but never of losing his wife. He avoided it. My husband left me for the woman he cheated on. What kept me going on the first year is that they would most likely break up. Instead they moved on together and got engaged. I then had to deal with the fact she wasnít leaving his life and I would have to face the betrayal which was right in front of my face for the rest of my life. That was a huge emotional turmoil I had to work through in therapy and face every day. I did the work.

I wonder if we had our face to face how much more would have come out. He got away with a brief text because he said he refuses to engage over text. Iíll likely never know the real reason. But while he needed to back up how verybpowerful words with his actions, he didnít fail completely at that. He always gave me enough to keep, until he decided he didnít want me anymore.

I just really want some closure to this and I will most likely never get it. I feel like I might never be able to trust again. I feel like there is so much more to this I will never know about. I miss him, but not horribly. I miss having a boyfriend. I miss his son. I miss our family time and our dates. But I wasnít getting what I needed emotionally. He has a block up on that end. I do wonder if he thinks of me, if he misses me at all. Or if Iím just gone and forgotten like we never happened

I can keep going in circles bit that isnít healthy.

I donít think I am a love addict either. How can I be addicted to something I never really had. You are right, KML, I want what we want when we are growing up. Love and commitment. I was married, but not for long. And there was zero commitment and love at a very limited capacity. Then it was over before I was 40 and here I am running head first into 40. Watching my ex have it, yet I donít. That stinks. I want what everyone has had at some point. I never had it. I canít say my ex husband was so in love with me at one point or was committed to me ever. I was disposable to him from day one and I knew it. The guys I have dated, well, I was a filler until the one came along. And the one usually comes along for them a second later Iíve been working hard at a do over in life. A chance to have something that I guess I see as pretty basic. And basic is extraordinary to me.

And yeah, I feel abandoned by a lot of people I have loved in my life, including my own mother, and in some respect, by my father, the one I loved incredibly and leaned on. Iíll never ever tell him that though. I was number one in his life until he thought I was old enough to be ok on my own. Only it turned out I wasnít at 17 years old. And that lead to bad decisions on my love life. Pretty shattering ones.
My friends, however, have never ever abandoned me. My friend who was my exHís GF should have abandoned me after I hurt her like that. She may have hated me for a few years and got her revenge, but she decided to love me again. Thatís a great gift in my life. One I donít deserve.

I just want a do over so bad. My ex got one. I want one. I want the love and commitment and the chance to get to make the right choices not based on circumstance. Feeling like you are being punished your whole life stinks.

Now that Iíve rambled enough.... tomorrow is Friday and hopefully a better work day. Saturday Iíll be doing lawn work, and my BFF and I have a dinner date at a seafood buffet . We are happiest eating all you can eat crab legs and shrimp, taking our time. We would marry each other of we were lesbians. Sunday, work, but thatís ok. Next Wednesday o am taking D to the salon in NYC I went to and got my special curly cut. She has the most beautiful curls, but needs the right cut. Then Iím going to treat her to a nice lunch in the city. It will be a fun girls day.

I sound miserable but Iím not. Iím just sad. There is a little hole where he was and Iím working on filling it with other stuff. If I could just truly understand this, that would help, but Iím not counting on it.

Re: Working on it [Re: Ginger1] #2862526
08/23/19 10:44 AM
08/23/19 10:44 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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I am sorry G......you just dont know what he was struggling with internally. It has nothing to do with you.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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