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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2852611
06/11/19 09:13 PM
06/11/19 09:13 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,061
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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My two best friends live in Nashville, went there last summer to see Skynyrd and Bad Company. What a show!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2852622
06/11/19 11:32 PM
06/11/19 11:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,131
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kml Offline
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Well Don, I don't think I'd plan for a date for the next cruise - honestly, it seemed so uber-stressfull last time. I'd just buck up and share a room. Maybe you'll pick up a girl on the ship this time!

AS for dating elsewhere - only you will know if that's wht you want to do, but do remember how much you did enjoy having a part-time companion for a while. I think you're ready but agree it's a lot like work looking.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2862119
08/20/19 07:29 PM
08/20/19 07:29 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,629
Midwest
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2005
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While I've not updated here much at all, nor really posted all that much, I have still been reading along rather consistently and throwing out a few comments here and there. Last year I wore pretty much everyone down with what a friend IRL called "CruiseGate 2019" LOL. I said I'd try not to do that this time around together with not driving myself crazy, and have done a great job of both - both here and IRL - perhaps to my detriment...

I've just had very little ambition to date. I've met a few women here and there but as picky as I am, I didn't really pursue anything and am sure didn't give off any "I'm interested" scent. Interesting how another very regular poster here wrote that all it takes is for a woman, pretty much any women, to show a little interest and he's in. Not much else matters. While that has down sides all over the place (that I won't go into now) a little part of me wishes I had at least some of that in me. I just don't. I need the entire package - not just looks and size but brains, intellect, interests, personality. morals, values, temperament, Etc. Give me the best looking woman I've ever seen but if she could not carry a conversation beyond 10 minutes I'd give a hard pass on her.

I don't know what I was thinking... I guess just that like last time nature would take over and it would all just fall into place. Funny thing, it was exactly one year ago to today (perhaps within a few hours) that I asked Wild Girl to go on the cruise. I say this is interesting (and figured it out) after the happenings of the past 72 hours. Trying to keep it short, it started on Friday when I was told they need a name TODAY. I'm like - can't do it. Even if I were to ask one of the three I'm considering, they are all at work and I can't just call, ask and say "I need to know right now." I heard nothing more and when I asked on Sunday at the gig with this band, the leader had not heard anything either. It was then I figured out he booked us nearly a year ago.

Enter CruiseGate 2020 - - - Those of you who road this ride with me last year may remember I was very concerned about the dynamics and personalities involved. After meeting this goof last year many of those feelings were confirmed. Now they have been confirmed in stone. I open my email yesterday and see my flight along with 2 others had been booked!!!! I'm like WTF??? Evidently, the old crusty goof with a caustic East Coast personality, who really needs to retire, decided he was not going to wait for Don when he had a whim to book and just booked my flight anyhow. He said he'd give me a $350 allowance to book my date/guest/friend/FWB on my own. Again WTF. I would have pulled out right then and there and forced his hand but the band leader strongly went to bat for me - saying that was not the deal. Plus I'm supposed to take someone then have her fly by herself, take her own luggage and get herself to the hotel the night before sailing to meet up with me. Nice. But true to his bafoonism, he booked us a nice direct flight to Fort Lauderdale on the way down and a pretty nice direct flight back to New Jersey on the way back. Um yeah, we don't live anywhere near New Jersey. I'm guessing even a few of year were thinking, "New Jersey, I didn't think Don lived on the East Coast." LMAO. What an idiot but it forced him to cancel those flights and give me what he should have given me right away. I now have until September 15th to get him a name and he will book all of us together then.

At least I know the rules now. I still don't have a clue what I'm going to do and while I always will take input, it's been well proven that I either see this differently or readers just don't get it. I'm not going to take a guy, I'm not going to go alone - especially now. There is no way in you know what I'm about to gift this A-hole back by him pocketing flight $$$ and the amount he will save on a single cabin (small as it is - but he will save a few hundred). So to more or less write him out a check for $500+ is not going to happen.

I've expanded my list of potentials by a factor of nearly three - including a few many states away from me and female friends with no romantic interest. There are two or three women I've dated in the past, two FWB and three or four friends - some of which could become FWB or even dating material I guess but I'm thinking of them as friends. Thing is, I just don't feel it with any of them. I mean obviously - if I did, I'd still be dating them, or dating them for the first time. And even Sept 15 leaves four months until launch. At least that's more in the reasonable range but as we've seen here, a lot can happen in four months.

I may lay them all out in detail here - or i may not. I guess if inquiring minds want to know... While I really am taking all of this just fine... it does stink that an otherwise really golden opportunity get's so badly tarnished because I don't have a wife or GF. Just not fair. Actually makes me appreciate having met my ex W as at that time in my life I was doing all sorts of travel and so was she. We'd take one or perhaps two vacations on our own dime but the other often three or four trips were paid for by my work or hers - including the many cruises I ran and free trips I "won" through work. I can't imagine having gone through this three times a year - and perhaps giving up free travel and going by myself. That was at least one very good point about being married/having a GF. The other thing is, drama a few weeks prior aside, Wild Girl really was the perfect date. We got along great, didn't have a single disagreement, everyone else loved her and keep in touch yet now, had a good experience being with someone for 10 straight days. So she did set a kinda of high bar - at least higher than my current list can meet.

The rest of my life has been going well. Got a lot of work done on my yard and deck. Been just busy enough to keep me engaged but not so busy (or so quiet) for it to be a problem. Have traveled all over this year - starting with the cruise in January, Netherlands in April, Nashville over Memorial Day, St. Louis, Florida and booked back to perform in Nashville again in November before cruise #2 in January 2020. So life is good. Just no S.O. to live it with. Oh and Wild Girl - - - got a great update there but I'll save it for next time. I guess I misread her - well at least in part - . Go figure. But first, I need to figure out Cruise Gate 2020!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2862121
08/20/19 07:39 PM
08/20/19 07:39 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,131
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,131
Tease! You gotta finish the update on Wild Girl!

As for Cruisegate 2020 - since you don't seem to be seriously looking for someone to date at present, I'd consider just bringing a female friend (with or without benefits) and be done with it. Why put yourself though so much anxiety again?

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2862281
08/21/19 06:19 PM
08/21/19 06:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,629
Midwest
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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I guess that wasn't nice to tease like that was it? I just didn't want to make my typical long post even longer. As for CruiseGate 2020. I very much agree with you, KML, and that's where I'm headed - looking likely to a female friend with or without benefits or the potential of to hopefully be able to go. I've got about 25 days and counting to figure it out.

As for Wild Girl... I don't want to repeat too much, hopefully the regulars remember some details about her and others can look back at older posts. But she was D'd for about 10 years, seemed to have walls up, didn't seem to be looking for a LTR or marriage, etc. That said, I did get the feeling she longed or at least considered having another baby - even at 43 to 45. She also had a history of picking some loser guys - duschebags as she called them.

So following the cruise, at first we had regular communication - well a couple times a week is what I mean by that. That lasted for about a month but as it appeared I was clearly being kept for Plan B and having somewhat lost interest, and then just naturally, things fell off. Since January I had seen her in person twice - once for her brithday within a month after the cruise and then in June after I found another piece of clothing of hers. We talked on the telephone twice - that last was for my birthday in April and texted now and then. So really no communication in months. Our last text had been 6 or 7 weeks prior - her texting me to tell me it was her dad's B-day and her parents would be in the audience at a large event I was gigging at. She knew we'd sing happy birthday to him from stage. We texted a bit during that day but that was it.

Imagine my shock when I got a text from her new BF saying something like - "This is Butt Head, Wild Girls boyfriend. Wild Girl and her girls live with me now. She's not been available since the end of last year. I want you to put a lot of distance between you and Wild Girl. It's time to move on Don." At first I was like, whoa, what did I do? My next thought was, dude your text is 6 months too late!!! I thought perhaps there was more communication than I thought - I checked and clearly not. So of course the first thing I did was text Wild Girl. Turns out he broke into her phone or in some way read our texts without her knowing and had another meltdown. That's how he got my #. Now there was nothing to see since the cruise - but if he went back far enough he clearly got an eye full both in text and pics. But this was a year ago. I'm like WTF. She said he was being protective - I said it sounded more like possessive. Evidently she told him we are just friends and she was not going to stop being friend with me. So evidently not being able to get her to comply with what he wanted, he'd try controlling me. With a little help from Ginger I crafted a response basically saying, look i don't control your GF or who she is friends with. Don't put me in the middle of your problems - you need to work this out with your GF. I added that I was the least of his problems as we've not had much communication at all.

In talking more with her and with her BFF, it's again clear he's rather controlling. Her BFF has not seen her much this summer at all. Remember the cruise was the end of January. She moved in with him in June. Perhaps not fast by some standards but clearly by mine. To my surprise she came to the state fair again with her parents a few weeks ago. Others from the cruise were there including one of my best female friends who she had bonded with. She told her she hopes to get married next year. When my friend said, wow that's fast, and asked what she sees or why he's "the one," she could not really answer. "he bought me a kayak was one response." "We both like the outdoors" was another. She asked if the kids love him. She said they like him - but not love him? my friend said. She just smiled. I got the strong sense that D18 didn't even move with them. She's been bunking with friends and others until heading to the dorms for her first year of college. D18 is very sharp and a much better judge of people and other things than her mom.

It's not at all my issue and I've not really thought much since. Obviously, it took this long for me to even tell the story. It's just not on my radar, but wow, did I misread her. One of my friends said early on he thought she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Remember she'd always say we are just hanging out - not dating, etc. I fear she's repeating what happened with her ex H and ex BF. Both slowly isolated her and controlled her. She now needs him for a place to live. Being a single mother with a modest income, one starting college, I think the fact he owns a business and seems to be financially set like me is a huge factor. I think she was much more lonely and desperate than I thought. I would not be surprised if she tries to have another baby. But I also would not be surprised if things abruptly fall apart too. Remember this guy had a live-in GF immediately prior to chasing Wild Girl. He's 42 and I think never married. Now, I expressed concerns all along. I said she was somewhat broken. She clearly is challenged by the truth. I just figured she was content with the casual we had and didn't want more with anyone. Now I'd bet that if I had love bombed her or even just said I wanted more she would have been all in. Of course that's not what I wanted so I have zero regrets of how I handled things. I just misread things. Or is this just the norm - this is what every woman wants - even when she doesn't think it's what she wants? I'm beginning to wonder.

Anyhow, I still see her parents often and her aunt somewhat often. It was fun for what it was. Once again, however, it's not what they say - it's what they do!!!!!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2862288
08/21/19 06:56 PM
08/21/19 06:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,131
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
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Posts: 15,131
I wouldn't assume she would have been all in if you had love bombed her. She kept you at arms length from the beginning.

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2865261
09/13/19 06:38 PM
09/13/19 06:38 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,629
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DonH Offline OP
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DonH  Offline OP
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Just when you think something is all coming together... No, "cruisegate" is not like what Ginger or Andrew have been through but still. I've been rather proud of myself in how I've handed things this year. Maybe it's because, everything considered, last year turned out pretty much like I had hoped, at least in the end, and I got it out of my system? I clearly have not been putting that much effort in and the effort I have put in I've not reported here. A few weeks ago I actually went out on three dates in one week. That might be more dates than in the last six months. Interesting what a deadline can do for one's motivation. Read my 8/20/19 post above for how the deadline finally was even provided. Yes, that deadline is supposed to be this Sunday or more likely this Monday. We'll see if it holds or not. They've already extended things for the general public to October 8 so perhaps this extended deadline will apply to me too? However, at this point I'm just kinda over it.

So I was pretty quiet here and even to most all of my friends. I finally made some decisions with four women and decided to put it into action. For the longest time I wasn't even sure I'd be able to make a decision short of throwing a dart at a board with names on it. But then #1 started to emerge somewhat clearly as the front runner, at least in my mind. I've known her for like 6 or 7 years. We've casually dated or "hung out" now and then. I see her like 10 times a year maybe a little less? She's not had a BF in that time. D'd for about 10 years, S18 and D16. She knew about last year and even about Wild Girl and seemed very excited when I asked her to go. I asked her in person so I could see body language, etc. She was clearly excited and interested. However, she already has a trip booked to Florida at the end of January - so like a week after we'd get back. Her D16 I guess doesn't like it at all when mom goes away, in part because then she has to take care of the dog and really doesn't want to. #1 even commented "I've not even told her about my end of January trip yet." Really, another mother afraid of her kids? WTF? Still, she was clearly very excited and somewhat flattered that I asked her. I asked if she could let me know within a few days. It really all made great sense on paper. She's self employed so can get time off, kids are old enough, no husband or BF, age appropriate (I think she's near 50). Not a head turner but cute and fit. I was cautious enough not to tell anyone but was already thinking, wow if this works out, it was really easy - no drama, not much anxiety, it sort of all just felt very natural and I even felt good about asking her - like I really made the right decision. I also figured if she really didn't want to go she'd just have said so right away and her body language would have shown it. She even texted about 24-hours later - a good sign I thought. "So I decided I shouldn't go [sad face emoticon] I can't miss more work in January and also the kid/dog thing. It sounds like an amazing time and I'm bummed I can't make it happen! Thank you again... blah blah blah" Didn't really see that coming, but okay I'll move onto #2.

#2 is a FWB although we've only done the friends thing for about three years now. She had a BF about the time I met Wild Girl until this Spring and I've only seen her a couple of times this summer. We get along well although I'm not hugely attracted to her but not unattractive either. She is a meeting planer/convention management for a large company with events around the country. She works from home most of the time and doesn't have to travel all too much anymore. Never married, 46, no kids. Not nearly as outgoing or bubbly/friendly as #1 but I know her pretty well and it would be fun. Did this one on the phone. She didn't seem as excited as #1 but defiantly interested and again knows my life, the last cruise, etc. She's never been on a cruise and I even tried to get her to go in 2013 - the last large group cruise I ran. When is it?, she asks. Turns out, her largest client has their event starting Thursday of the cruise. Just no way she cannot be there - not even worth asking at work about. Hmmmm okay, I guess we'll move to #3

#3 I've known for 30 years. We dated but she may have been a teen then? She's the niece of a former best friend who died suddenly 15 years ago. She lives out West but her and I reconnected when i did gigs out there a few years ago and have gone out when I was there and she comes here. Her mom still lives in my area. I don't think she's ever been married. Has not dated anyone in a long time, doesn't even try. Yet she's very pretty, somewhat outgoing. perhaps a bit quirky but hides it well. Even some of the people on the cruise will know her (from years ago) and she knows them. Except, she's taking her mom and dad on a two week cruise to Greece this October. She started a new job (after 20 years at her previous one) this March and had to really negotiated to even get time off for October - including giving up a pay check for one of the weeks. She's not yet a firm no but doesn't see any way she can get another 6 days off in January. By now I'm starting to think, you've got to be kidding me!!!

#4 Which, there really was not a firm #4 but I thought, well maybe things happen for a reason and I should try the newly D'd friend of my brother and SIL. Might be a bit of a stretch but we've known each other for about 8 years, she's vacationed with my brother and SIL. She's fully D'd now. Sounds like her husband cheated but no one wants to come out and completely confirm that. Just turned 49, pretty, tall, (a little taller than me I think) very outgoing, loves to travel, makes friends easily. However, the kids ( I think 9 and 11) are not doing well with their new life at all. She just moved into a new home, D9 refuses to stay with ex H (no abuse or anything like that, that I can tell) They have 50/50 custody but again the child seems to be running the show and getting her way. Still, I totally understand - and it's hell for a 9 year old who if the adults didn't see anything coming, the kids likely didn't either. I guess she even pulled out of an overnight girls trip due to it. Both my SIL and brother said "I don't think that would be a good idea." I had come to that conclusion after hearing my SIL tell the story before they even said it. So I didn't even bother asking her - though I'm rather certain it would not work or if she did accept, bad things and drama would happen between now and then. Just not the right time.

#5 or Plan E - um yeah, I really have no #5 or Plan E. I mean I guess I do but was out with one in that run of three and was board after a couple hours - what might 9 days and 8 nights be like? So no. I guess that means Plan E is to go back to the crusty old guy and see what he says. If he can give me until October 8 that will help but not a whole lot. Otherwise I'll just take my chances and if someone pops up figure out how to get them down to Florida. Especially if I take someone like the girl out west or another possibility now living in Florida or someone on say the East Coast, as long as we can get them down there and back, the name on the cruise cabin won't matter. If they fight me on wanting to force me into a room mate I'll not go. That will create a whole other set of issues but I'm not sharing a cabin with someone I do not know. I'd be better off taking the boring girl who at least I do know. When I added it all up for #1 it totals very close to $2,000. It will kill me to more or less light 2K on fire. It will beyond kill me to put more than $500 into the pocket of the goofy jerk that tried to force things three weeks ago.

It's really sad how such an amazing gift like this brings stress and heartache. I guess I was luckier having wild girl than I realized. I have such an amazing life in so many ways. How many people would kill to have a job that allows them to bring someone on a $2K vacation - yet I can't give it away. Yes, this is my sarcastic personality coming through - at least 95% of it is - but what kind of loser can't even find a date for a free week long cruise? Now, don't correct me on this - i know that's not really the case - I'm almost totally joking about that - I know it has a lot to do with being as picky as i am and not actively trying to date - but a tiny part of me is still like... WTF.

Will talk with the others this weekend and then find out what the promoter has to say likely on Monday. I already knew this year would not be as much fun as last - not as many people I know going, not as many fun people I know who are going, Not taking someone I'd dated for 5 months straight and spent 4 or 5 weekends with so I completely knew we were compatible and ended up having a really great time together. So I knew this would not be as good as the last. Didn't think it would end up like this though.

Hope you all enjoyed the reading. I'll let you know if anything develops.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2865269
09/13/19 07:21 PM
09/13/19 07:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,131
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,131
Geez, you're jinxed!

Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2865272
09/13/19 07:35 PM
09/13/19 07:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,146
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Dawn70 Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
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You know, bringing someone on a $2000 vacation IS awesome. That is a GREAT "benefit" for lack of a better word. But from the other side of the equation, I can also see where that could be pretty intimidating and you would have to ask just the right person. Sure, you are offering someone a VERY nice opportunity, but you are also asking them to share a room with you and take a week off work and away from their normal life. Now, before you say I didn't read your post and understand your options, I DID read and I DO understand the options you laid out and you clearly know all these women and have shared intimacy with at least part of them, but my point here is that while it is indeed an amazing offer, it might be overwhelming. Like #4, I don't get the sense that you have had an intimate relationship with her, despite knowing her for a number of years, so that might be kind of overwhelming for her to think about, particularly if she hasn't been divorced for very long.

Sorry none of the options you had hoped were viable didn't work out. Here's hoping you find a suitable option SOON or get more time to look.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Still wondering what comes next [Re: DonH] #2865837
09/19/19 09:11 PM
09/19/19 09:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,629
Midwest
D
DonH Offline OP
Member
DonH  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,629
Midwest
Just saw this meme - and if only I could post it here! I'm still laughing typing this. Here's what it said:

Dating after 40 is easy.
It's like riding a bike.
But the bike is on fire.
And the ground is on fire.
Everything is on fire,
Because you're in hell!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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