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C,

I wouldn’t even respond.

You got it out of the way and now it’s done. Unfortunately after bomb drop and the crying, begging and pleading they always think it’s going to be this way. That’s why they are so sure of plan B. They don’t realize the LBS actually becomes strong as fuch.

You could have an ex that flaunts it in your face.

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Thanks LH19. I never responded. And you're right, at least the ex is being respectful enough to comply... even if making him leave the house while I'm there is a little silly.

I still feel as if the EX is very unstable and/or afraid of making waves with OM. Here's why:

Last night I called her to talk about back to school plans. I suggested that the night before the first day of school would be a nice opportunity for the 4 of us to have dinner as a way of ending the summer and setting the expectations for the school year. She objected immediately and said that there really isn't anything to talk about with the kids. They know what's expected of them and they don't need to hear us go over it with them again. I wanted to argue with her, but I didn't.

...the idea of having the occasional family meal, post-breakup, was suggested by our family therapist a couple of years ago, as a way for the kids to see that our family is still a unit even if the dynamics have changed. Since then I have suggested at least a dozen times that we have one of these meals... neutral territory, not at either parent's house... but EX is always reluctant. The one and only time she complied was last October when we met for bagels on a Sunday morning. I tried to get her to address this reluctance in a therapy session, and her reasoning was that she "didn't want to give the kids the wrong idea about us getting back together."

And 2 years ago, there was some legitimacy in that excuse. But since then, I have never pursued, pushed, argued, pleaded, or done anything else to give her the impression that I want to reconcile. When we communicate it's completely about the kids. I don't ask her about her life. If she asks me about mine, my answers are short.

Anyway, I think I'm done suggesting these "family" meals, and I'm just going to focus on making the most of the time that I spend with my kids. From time to time I hear things like, "Well mom lets us do (such and such) at her house." and it drives me crazy. But I have to remember to stand my ground and continue to enforce MY rules/boundaries with the kids, regardless of what she does. I know they'll hate me for it now, but maybe they'll respect me for it later in life.

But I'm using this forum to speculate... Is she reluctant to have a family meal because it's awkward for her? Or maybe because she doesn't want piss off OM?


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Probably a combination of not leading you on and creating expectations for your children and not making things difficult with the OM.

You're always going to be his biggest threat.

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Originally Posted by Chris73

I still feel as if the EX is very unstable and/or afraid of making waves with OM. Here's why:

Last night I called her to talk about back to school plans. I suggested that the night before the first day of school would be a nice opportunity for the 4 of us to have dinner as a way of ending the summer and setting the expectations for the school year. She objected immediately and said that there really isn't anything to talk about with the kids. They know what's expected of them and they don't need to hear us go over it with them again. I wanted to argue with her, but I didn't.


I don't know I'd call her unstable for that, that's just typical WAS behavior. Sometimes they like to do that stuff to cake-eat but most of the time they just don't want anything to do with the LBS.

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...the idea of having the occasional family meal, post-breakup, was suggested by our family therapist a couple of years ago, as a way for the kids to see that our family is still a unit even if the dynamics have changed.


I am all for it when both parties agree. My XW and I have done this with our kids. But if your W doesn't buy in then you really shouldn't force the issue. And don't blame her or call her names (unstable, etc.), that's her prerogative.

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Anyway, I think I'm done suggesting these "family" meals, and I'm just going to focus on making the most of the time that I spend with my kids.


Yes, this!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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(This is a day late, but I was too busy having fun with my kids yesterday to write this… a good sign I think!)

I’m posting this in the Newcomers section in hopes that the folks who read it will find something useful to apply to their own circumstances.

Friday, May 27th, 2016.

I boarded the train at 7:29 for my hour-long ride to Philadelphia. I was in a very good mood. It was the Friday before memorial day. I was looking forward to spending the long weekend with my family and some friends. But more importantly, I was feeling optimistic about my marriage. My wife and I had spent the last couple nights discussing our relationship. She had been very open with me about the fact that she wasn’t happy, and we decided together that there were changes both of us could make to improve things.

I’ve always been a trusting person especially with the important people in my life. So when our cell phone bill went up because of my wife’s talk time overages, I just assumed that she was spending a lot of time on the phone with one of her girlfriends. I updated our plan to include unlimited talk time for her phone and forgot about it for a couple months.

Once I arrived at the office that day I spent a few minutes going over the bills and decided to check the phone records to see if her trend of extended talk time had diminished at all. But something made me look further at the details. The extra talk time on my wife’s phone was associated with one specific number. The extended calls, sometimes an hour or more, dated all the way back to January. I cross referenced the number with the numbers of our mutual friends and some of her girlfriends but found no match.

...It’s at this point in the story that I reflect on what I did next. The decision to keep researching the phone number was my first step down a rabbit hole of mistrust and insecurity that would plague me for the next 18th months. Maybe I should have stopped there. Maybe my life would be different today. Maybe my marriage could have been salvaged…

Deciding to dig a little deeper I purchased a one-time cell phone number lookup on the internet. At this point my heart rate was starting to increase. I submitted the number and it came back with the last name of my wife’s old boyfriend.

My entire body was immediately flushed with adrenaline and rage. I jumped up from my desk, ran down the back stairs of my building, outside to the parking lot, and called my wife. When she answered I confronted her immediately with the information and she confessed that yes, she had been talking to this person for most of the year. After some additional prodding, she admitted that they had spent time together in person and that there was some physical contact.

I hung up the phone and did not speak to her again for the rest of the workday.

...Sometimes it seems odd to regard this event as traumatic when compared to people who have suffered intense physical abuse or survived military battles. But I honestly don’t remember what I did for the rest of that workday and I attribute that to post-traumatic stress. We were permitted to leave work 2 hours early that day, in preparation for the holiday weekend, and my next memory is stopping at the bar before getting on the train to try to calm down a bit…

When I arrived home, the environment was total chaos. While I tried to make sense of what was happening and confront my wife in person, my kids (ages 4 and 7 at the time) had friends over and were running in and out of the house at random. Despite this, I was able to get her to admit to multiple sexual exchanges with this person since they reconnected. She was not smug or happy about the predicament that she was in. She was visibly upset and insisted that the relationship with him was over. She told me that she had made plans to start seeing a therapist because she wanted to fix her emotional problems. She insisted that she didn’t want to get a divorce.

I left the house and went for a walk. I thought of getting in my car and driving away, but I didn’t feel like I was in control. The walk didn’t last long. Honestly I’m not sure what I was trying to accomplish. Eventually I went back to my house and tried to act as normal as possible. The kids were still playing in the backyard and a pizza delivery was on its way to my house.

What happened over the next 48 hours is still a blur, but I will forever question if my response to the situation made things worse. Before I even understood what was really happening to my marriage, and before I had the insight from the Divorce Busting resources (including this board), I did the only thing that came naturally to me… I tried to work out the problem through talking. I tried to be empathetic to my wife’s emotions and insisted that we could get past this by working together. I immediately decided to forgo any anger I might have and work on a resolution. I blamed myself for pushing her away and driving her into the arms of another man.

4 years later, I now realize that I reacted this way out of fear… the fear of losing her forever, the fear of my family breaking up and the potential loss of my time with my children, the fear of ending up as a lonely old man who contributes the majority of his income to his ex-wife.

Had I understood that these fears were dictating my behavior, I would have acted differently. I might have decided to ask my wife to leave or move out. Or perhaps less dramatically, I might have stopped speaking to her for a period of time. At that moment it was important for me to stand up for myself so that she understood that her behavior was not acceptable.

But I didn’t do any of those things. And as a result my wife not only got a pass from me, but I’m certain that any respect she had left for me was totally wiped out.

Things got a little better, and then they got a lot worse. Most of what happened after this day is documented here in my posts. My wife moved out 18 months later and has since bought a new house and started a new relationship. He moved in (with his teenage daughter) at the beginning of this month.

The good news, as I reflect on this 4 years later, is that I’m pretty happy with my life right now.
I haven’t started a new romantic relationship and I’m content without one. I’d prefer for my kids to be part of an intact family, with one place to live and 2 full time parents. But I’m doing my best with what I have control over. I kept the family house and made it my own. There is very little evidence that my ex ever lived here.

I still reflect on the things I did that contributed to the downfall of my marriage both before and after this day. Some days I’m filled with regret, doubt, and guilt. But those days happen less and less frequently. It’s a worn out cliche that “time heals all wounds” but it really is true.

Anyway, I guess the purpose of this post (besides being a catharsis for me) is to provide the left-behind spouse (LBS) with some long term context. I think most LBS’s react the same way I did to a bomb-drop situation. So before it’s too late, stand up for yourself (respectfully of course) and don’t provide any additional reasons for your spouse to lose respect for you.


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BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
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Hi Chris,

Thanks for sharing your story, and glad your life has taken a turn for the better!

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Chris,

I remember you were the ultimate anti-DBer in the beginning. You use to ask your cheating W every day how you could make her day better and it would make me cringe. I think it’s great that you updated for the newbies that plactating and being a doormat does not work. I’m glad you are doing well and that also goes to show that with time and space everyone eventually comes out ok.

Keep living your best life!

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Chris73 Offline OP
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LH. Wow! I don't think I would have ever remembered those details. I don't have the stomach to re-read my posts! Thanks for reminding me what life was like back then.


M46 W48
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S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
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I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Chris 73, this is an awesome post!! We have LBSs here every day that are acting out of fear. I wrote a post, its a sticky above, called How do you DB when you love your spouse? The point of it is that fear drives us to do the wrong things

But what I love best about your post is the happy ending. That you've found peace in your life and have learned to be happy by yourself. R or D, that's what it is really about. Learning that your happiness is your responsibility, and that your spouse's happiness is their responsibility.

Thanks for posting this!


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Thanks Steve. I wish I had read your post 4 years ago. I came to the DB forums 6 months after BD and I was beyond desperate. And when you're in that state of mind you'll do anything to try to make things better, even if it means sacrificing your own pride and self-worth.

I still struggle with the "what ifs". I made soooo many bad decisions after that day.

Every time I interact with her now I feel better leaving her behind. She's not the same person I remember from 4 years ago... and neither am I. It just suck$ that this state of limbo has lasted so long. I miss her but I don't want her back. But I'm starting to realize that those 2 emotions can be mutually exclusive.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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