I'm watching 90 Day Fiancé (so shoot me lol) and one guy said they have a saying in his country... I've heard it before but it is so true "the one who loves the least has the power in the relationship" how true. The more you love, the more you are willing to give up - both in a good way and in bad.
I watched the same thing. I can't help it, those 90 day shows are guilty pleasures to me because I spend most of the episode sassing the tv about how stupid these people are and the other half just wondering what the actual h3ll. Seriously, as I have found myself saying several times today, you just can't make this sh!t up. Anyway, I caught that line and it stood out to me too as soon as I heard it. It is SO true. I realize it was said in relation to one couple in particular (and that woman is a bi-atch with a capital B! but dude is a pushover, so I see why they are together), but if you really take a step back and look at it on the surface, and look at actual couples, it is so very true. Sadly, G, while I think M loved you in the best way he could, he did seem to have all the power and it was facilitating an environment where you were not feeling like your best self. That sucked for you and I think, as others have said, his breaking up, while harsh and abrupt, probably really was a gift to you.
I also agree with J9's comment above that manipulative nice ones are the worst. Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to prove it. So, so crappy to deal with for the long run.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My D.B. counselor told me that... “whoever is least invested in the relationship has the power”. So all the emotionally unavailable people get to maintain control.
In my last 2 relationships I was less invested. With my ex husband, I was more invested or perhaps more likely he was not invested at all. Neither way feels right.
Right now I’m with someone equally invested, if not more invested. And I am very invested. And it feels great.
I would not want to be less invested again - now experiencing all the incredible feelings that comes with being invested - even though it would give me more control and power. Even though it makes me more vulnerable. Because to experience the highs I’m learning you have to invest and put yourself at risk emotionally. (Which you have always done ginger). I would also never again settle or be exclusive with someone that is not showing me that they are fully invested. It’s a waste of time.
Finding someone equally into you as you are with him is an absolute in my opinion. A guy that is into you is gonna bend over backwards to spend a free Sunday with you. And if he’s not, find someone that is just as enthusiastic. They do exist!!
When I asked last boyfriend if he wanted me to stop by, his response was “if you wish”. Current boyfriend would say “yes. As soon as you can. Please. I need to see you” he asks to drive extra 30 minutes each way just for a 5 minute kiss. New boyfriend is a thousand times better looking, smarter, funnier, and successful then last boyfriend. I never would have expected this. . Don’t settle anymore ginger. You have too much going for you.
I am also an avid 90 day fiancé watcher. D11 and I watch together and have a running commentary.
He had the power because he loved the least. The kicker is his words told me he loved me just as much. But actions, yes! Those weren’t there .
I do want that guy who would be thrilled if our sundays matched up! I remember when I asked him to do something last minute because I suddenly became free. I knew he was free. He was mad because he said “ it’s not fair to be upset when I don’t accept last minute invitations. I can’t do last minute invitations. I was set on an early bedtime tonight” WTF?
I was settling. Ugh. I will surely miss certain things. But I will not miss how I was feeling in that R at all. When you are alone so long, I felt greedy for wanting more than he was giving and I should just be happy he said he wanted to be with me long term.
Boy was I wrong!
And I can’t go out with the 25 year old, unfortunately. Against company policy. But it sure is flattering
It is true but R's change over time and the natural ebb and flow of the R will shift the perceived power from one person to another while at times it being shared.
The equalizer to this is when you have two people that are connected, have a servant's heart, don't take advantage of each other and love selflessly. The power can't be shifted or given to someone that is going to abuse it.
Someone like M who IMO is a taker will need to be with another taker that is stronger willed than him who he has to chase to try and get the power. M would be more suited for those women who the book describes as "b!tches". Just the natural, kind hearted person that G is unfortunately is not suited for M. He can't handle the responsibility and he always needs to be in a position of chasing.
Last edited by job; 08/20/1904:03 PM. Reason: edited a word
I can't help it, those 90 day shows are guilty pleasures to me because I spend most of the episode sassing the tv about how stupid these people are and the other half just wondering what the actual h3ll. Seriously, as I have found myself saying several times today, you just can't make this sh!t up.
Exactly!!!!! If anyone wants a "How NOT To" guide to dating and marriage - this is it. I find myself yelling at the TV - You idiot, what is wrong with you! Sadly, there are so many lonely people in this world they will do just about anything and ignore just about any warning flags you can think of. I'm also glad to see I'm not the only one watching! Ha!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He had the power because he loved the least. The kicker is his words told me he loved me just as much. But actions, yes! Those weren’t there.
Not only in love and R's but very much in life, you HAVE GOT to pay attention to what people do - not what they say. Sure, what they say is important as well, but not nearly as much as what they do. People will say they are going to do all sorts of things (or not do them) yet they never follow through. We see this in politics ALL THE TIME. But just as much in the work place, etc. Yet so many people just go by what is said - and ignore what is done. It really should be the other way around.
I've been honest enough to say I see some areas of M in myself - clearly not all or perhaps even many, but some. And one I know I've done myself is I start to feel not as interested, not really sure I want to continue dating someone. However, if that person pulls back or calls me on it, I very well may then feel the loss and step up to the plate more. I'm not playing games - I'm really not. It's just natural feelings. And it's all described by MWD in her books. You were pulling back G, he didn't want to lose you so he'd say what he needed to say. I'm not even sure he knew he was doing it. I know I did not until I came to understand all of this - now I do. Hopefully you'll start to recognize these behaviors in the future but above all else - pay attention to what is done - not only what is said.
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Someone like M who IMO is a taker will need to be with another taker that is stronger willed than him who he has to chase to try and get the power. M would be more suited for those women who the book describes as "b!tches". Just the natural, kindhearted person that G is unfortunately is not suited for M. He can't handle the responsibility and he always needs to be in a position of chasing.
Again, I'll be brutally honest about myself and say, I can recognize me in what J9 has said. I think that is part of the dynamic I had with Wild Girl. Had she really chased me I really don't think I'd have followed through as I did. Who knows, maybe it was not just this, but for sure, she gave me the room and space to "chase" - not sure I chased - but certainly I pursued. I don't think M had to do much pursuit at all - you were doing it all for him Ginger. And again, it's not what you say, it's all of the other senses and actions. He could sense through your texts, and actions and wanting to see him on the spur of the moment when he rarely if ever did that for you. Had you done what some suggested and quickly went out with friends, ignored him, etc. I know he would have pursuit you more - but to what end, because deep down the two of you want different things (as do I) I read here one poster just said he's seeing the same girl for several years now although they are only out once or twice a month. It's what they both want. I could totally do that - you could not Ginger. And that's okay. While I don't at all want you to revert back to what you did prior to M, keep doing what you did but watch and hear what the person tell you they want IN ACTIONS. In words, M might have said he wanted one thing but his actions told the real story.
I also think it's very telling that you are not all that broken up over this break up. I felt the same way when things ended with Wild Girl (although the R was not the same as yours) but I knew all along it was what it was. I think you've seen it on the back end and that's why you are not all that upset. Given the choice you'd rather have a man in your life but you know this man was not the one for you and I think just through nature you are seeing quickly and clearly you were giving up too much and not getting nearly enough. The trick now is to be able to figure that out sooner. It's just so darn hard when you are in it. You and I can both spot this stuff a mile away when it doesn't involve us. But when it does, we struggle to see it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Funny enough, I thought it would be harder because we were together a year rather than just a few months. I think the longer you go through the negative stuff though, the easier it is to let go. With exNG, I wasn’t happy, but I think I hurt so much because I knew he was seeing another woman and I get fed a lot of info. With FF it was hard because he was around all the time and we weren’t having bad times. The reality came about hat the age difference was too much. Then I suffered with that one because he also had another woman waiting in the wings. And I had a connection to him, his sister.
I have no connection to M other than what I develop. I blocked him every where. Especially has helped me on text. I haven’t gone back on IG, I was friends with his brother there, but I have no idea if he unfriended me. I’ve learned my self preservation tactics.
I need someone who is not afraid of commitment and doesn’t make me feel the need to chase. Even a week before he broke up with me, I didn’t ask him out for that Wednesday. He did at last minute! I know what I want, and this time I wasn’t going to take less. I think he knew it and didn’t want to give it. So goodbye ginger!
I made the mistake of going back through my photos and I had screen shot some texts that he sent me that I had loved. I read them and it brought a tear to my eye.
It is true but R's change over time and the natural ebb and flow of the R will shift the perceived power from one person to another while at times it being shared.
The equalizer to this is when you have two people that are connected, have a servant's heart, don't take advantage of each other and love selflessly. The power can't be shifted or given to someone that is going to abuse it.
Someone like M who IMO is a taker will need to be with another taker that is stronger willed than him who he has to chase to try and get the power. M would be more suited for those women who the book describes as "b!tches". Just the natural, kind hearted person that G is unfortunately is not suited for M. He can't handle the responsibility and he always needs to be in a position of chasing.
Only issue for M. Is that no female taker is gonna go for a guy that spends all his money on pot and child support They will sniff that out real fast. I get the impression M. Ruined the best opportunity he was ever gonna get with Ginger.
Yep, I agree. M's SMV is not that high and he doesn't have the pelt's on the wall to behave this way. G was the best thing he was ever going to find until he ups his game and changes his way.
I need someone who is not afraid of commitment and doesn’t make me feel the need to chase. Even a week before he broke up with me, I didn’t ask him out for that Wednesday. He did at last minute! I know what I want, and this time I wasn’t going to take less. I think he knew it and didn’t want to give it. So goodbye ginger!
Well... in hindsight yes. But really, you were taking less and chasing a bit - and let's be honest, had M not broken up, you'd still be together and taking less. Now, that said, I think you would have eventually figured it out, but in just trying to not re-write or spin here (just keeping it honest) you were taking less - thank goodness M ended it for you. I think the goal for the future is to figure that out yourself and be the one to force him to poop or get off the pot - don't let the guy decide your future. Again, in this case M made a great decision FOR YOU. Now, next time, YOU need to make the great decision FOR YOU.
It's all a learning experience and of everyone here, you are one of the most open to learning of anyone. Still, it's not like you were abused or degraded or berated or anything. So there are still good things about this past year with M. It's not all negative - there were positives. In the end, he just wasn't that into you - and as soon as the dust settled, it was clear you were not that into him!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
