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Ginger... Keto worked great for me. I dropped 30 on it (the final 10 was thanks to my X and BD) and it was the easiest time I have ever had on a “diet”. The difference for me is that I didn’t think of it as a diet... I still don’t... for me it was a lifestyle change. Haven’t had pasta in over a year and a half. I will have bread on occasion and potatoes on occasion. I’ve found Keto-friendly desserts and treats to satisfy my sweet tooth. I’m not as vigilant now as I used to be but I am still nowhere near where I was pre-Keto days when about 80% of my diet was carbs. Give it a try. You won’t regret it. (((HUGS)))

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I’m definitely going to get the most out of my doctors appointment to make sure this is right for me. My cholesterol is good, my triglycerides a tad high and I also want to make sure I am getting all the appropriate nutrients.

When I got married I went low carb and lost a lot of weight. I was super strict. When I got divorced I lost all the baby weight plus some and while I was t even skinny, people kept telling me I needed to gain weight. Even my ex did. Then when I had a super stressful job that kept me on the road, I lost a whole bunch of weight. Then I maintained a weight for years that was maybe 10 lbs over I wanted to be, but I was consistent, I was very active and I’m good shape. After that surgery, I got to my highest weight ever I only saw in pregnancy. I gained some dating ( he eats all friend foods and beer, and I love beer) and I guess when someone is attracted to you, the motivation to go overboard losing weight isn’t there.

Anyways. I realized I am actually feeling better than I did when we were dating. I often had knots in stomach wondering if I invited him somewhere he would reject me, if I didn’t if he would ask me out. Waiting to see an “I love you” text for a peace of mind and sadly, that would give me relief for the time being. How embarrassing. How not knowing my own value. I can relax because now because there is no more wondering. You shouldn’t have to a year in. You should not feel bad and wait for rejection to spend time with your SO. I felt rejected all too often like everything was more important than me. And I was a bad person for wanting to be important .

Now, I am not waiting to feel loved. I’m going to love myself. And I just feel lighter. And I’m sure he feels lighter not having to worry about making me feel important or loved.

He’s on my mind all the time, honestly. But it’s just not affecting me.

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G.....I learned that i want to be with someone that makes me want to be a better person. That inspires me to be the best I can be. There are other things obviously but that is important to me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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I want to be with someone who inspires me to be a better person too. And I want that person to be inspired by me likewise. I want someone who wants to be with me as a choice. Someone who puts a little extra pep on your step and makes you want to be the best you that you can be.

Just journaling. Still ok. Maybe I’m numb. I of course play the scenario a million times over and over in my head. Some things still don’t add up. But I am not having a visceral reaction to these thoughts as I have in the past. I’m not having much of a reaction. I just think I may have needed this to happen. Or for him to feel something is t lacking and be all in the relationship, not only when it suited him.

When he told me that he was breaking up with me via text and he couldn’t talk in person until next week..... I had texted him that it’s not fair to make me wait and and to at least make time to break up with me properly and to call me. And then D11 was going to have a sleepnover and I told him that. He 2 hours later texts back “I don’t mean to be cold, but you are being really pushy while I try to work” pushy? You just dumped me and told me you weren’t going to tell me why until next week!

He truly is all about him. God, I remember when I needed the surgery for my breast. It was pretty upset about needing another surgery, the cost, the decisions..... and he became distant and made it about his ex’s breast cancer experience and how it affected him! And I was doing everything to comfort HIM. Wtf?! No text the night before the surgery and none the morning of. He was distant days before it. He only showed true compassion when he didn’t want me to get them replaced and I was upset because I didn’t know which way to go with it. I had to ask him to stay with me after the surgery. It was going to be my dad but he had his medical problem. I remember he didn’t even offer, he was just fine with my dad doing it. But I had to ask him .

Why did I overlook this stuff? Why did I comfort HIM in my time of need? Who does that????

He was simply never there for me. I didn’t really matter. He mattered, his son mattered and that was it. When he was considering letting his son know about us, he didn’t even take into account my D11 . I finally said, it’s not easy for her to hide the fact we are together when she knows it. I basically had to make sure when we were around his son my daughter wouldn’t say he was my boyfriend.

I hate that I managed to convince myself this was a healthy R. He did show up at the right times sometimes and as usual, one nice gesture makes up for all the negative for me.

Words and actions just need to match.

I guess I’m in the beating myself up phase.

I am going to miss having someone to kiss and cuddle with. I was missing that horribly when we got together. Bit that might be about i
Onward and upward. I can’t dwell, I can only learn.

And not reaching out to him since he broke up with me is a huge change for me. Part of me wants me to tell him I understand, you are right, there was something missing. He right now thinks I am just hurt and devastated, but that’s okay. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.

And I don’t know why, but with this one, I think he really is going to have regrets

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doll, put down the bat and replace it with a feather.

xoxoxo

hugs


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Sending hugs G!!!

I´m into Quality Certification Program where I work. I´m trying to follow everybody but I can´t keep the pace...

Do what works. As usual!

You know how to stand for yourself. Be strong there. Hugs for you and D!

(((((G)))))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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(((G)))

Don't beat up on yourself too hard. You loved him and when you love someone, you go all in. That is NOT a bad thing in any way, shape, fashion or form. It is just who you are. You have gotten some great words of wisdom from a lot of really awesome folks here, so there is not a darn thing I could add to it, but I did want to say that I hope, in the near future, you find solace in knowing that he wasn't "the one".

We have bandied that whole "settling" thing around some on several threads lately and your posts seemed more and more like you were "settling" for M rather than really getting what you needed. I said as much as I felt like I could without just outright saying that because I wasn't sure if that was true and I still may be wrong, but as I said in another post to you, your posts just were sounding increasingly unhappy in your relationship with M and you were taking all the blame and fault for that on yourself, which is very unhealthy. Like someone else said, I guess I missed all the stuff about how in-depth his weed smoking was because if I had remembered that part, I likely would have been more vocal about your settling.

I just wish you well, G. I hope you find peace in all of this soon. And, I hope you can find a way to focus on yourself and find your own happy again. I just know your time is coming.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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I’m with everyone else G.... put down the bat. You remind me so much of me. Like you, I go “all in” and I love people without reservation even when there are indicators that the other person may not be in the same place or even capable of loving someone that way. My MR was Exhibit A. I felt like a complete idiot when I looked back on everything in hindsight. But...I was honest, loyal, committed and loving...I cannot feel bad about that and you shouldn’t either. You continue to learn and to grow and we grow the most through painful self-reflection. It s*cks we have to go through it but in the end, if we do the work, it is worth it. There IS someone else more worthy of you out there Ginger. He will find you when the time is right. (((HUGS)))

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Quote
He 2 hours later texts back “I don’t mean to be cold, but you are being really pushy while I try to work” pushy?


Yeah, that's BS.

I think you're not freaking out because you know that on some level, you were still waiting for him to step up to the plate, and as obnoxious as this was, it confirmed for you that you weren't crazy in your doubts about him.

AS to why we ignore the red flags? I see a lot of myself in you. I pride myself on being easygoing. I'm a caretaker. I can see the Buddha in most everyone. And in my younger years, I was hungry for that affirmation from men (even though I always had confidence in who I was.) I was often the pursuer.

Now, as I get older and need less, I find the less I want from a man, the more he seems to pursue. I've started to learn to ask for what I want. A guy who doesn't show up when I'm sick? Nope. A guy who has be stoned every day? Nope. (Even though I, like you, am not opposed to marijuana on principle.) I may CHOOSE to overlook certain things, if the whole on balance is good. And I can see how you were sucked in by his WORDS. But unfortunately they didn't match his actions, and you are right - you shouldn't be feeling that lonely in a relationship. The first year especially a guy should be making you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread.

Also - just remember, in the future, six months is a MINIMUM for meeting kids. If you're not sure by six months, leave the kids out of it until you are sure. Nothing wrong with waiting a year.

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I’m going to go easy on myself here. I did a lot of things differently and I have no regrets. If I didn’t see it through, I would have always wondered “what-I’d”

I know I say these things about him, but he wasn’t a bad guy. He had a very loving compassionate side. He was better to me than all the other guys I dated. I think he just still had a ways to go in dealing with his stuff. He couldn’t be there for me fully like I was there for him. Whatever reason.

I do guess I was settling for these reasons. He was an overall good guy, quite handy, and when we were together things were mostly good. I didn’t want to get greedy or seem like I was giving something up for my pettiness. But what I wanted wasn’t petty. And I do think he called it quits because he felt like he couldn’t give me what I needed.

We did kid introductions at 6 months give or take a eek. It took months after that for him to know I was more than a friend. I never pushed on the introductions, but I pushed very little on me pretending to be such a friend. Honestly, and I don’t know if it was coincidental, he backed off of “me” shortly after a few times we hung out with the kids. I treated his son like gold and we immediately bonded. So I don’t think he thought I would be a bad figure in his life. I Think seeing good stuff and future together scared him.

Regardless, it’s over. And I’m still ok. If any other boyfriend I had would have said “I made a mistake” I would have probably gotten back with them. Not this one. I think he’s right, maybe we are too different? I mean unless he came running back admitting to his fears leading to his in attention and neglect of me, I would consider it. But I am well aware I am most likely never going to hear from him again.

Had my doctors appt. everything is good. Going to start keto tomorrow. Made an adjustment in my meds which will hopefully help me find sleep.

I’m excited to start getting healthy again. I don’t want to be that woman who has 5 year old pictures on her dating profile and then someone meets me and says “I’ve been duped!!!!”

Also looking to go back to kickboxing, my favorite sport in the world that got me through my D. I think my knee can handle it now.

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