Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by "Ske0187"
Anyway, she told me the nanny was sick and one of us would have to stay home. I was disappointed because of my sick plan but I'm always looking for a reason to spend time with my rats so I said I would stay home. Little did I know I fell into her nefarious plan.

I already know she's a lying cheater. Was I supposed to be surprised???

I'm getting a divorce in my mind for the last two weeks. This didn't help keeping my fantasy and reality lives apart...

Gosh, well no I reckon this wouldn't, but maybe it will help you to make your fantasy a reality. I wonder what's making you hang onto this woman who was transformed into a "lying cheater"?

Leaving her as a "lying cheater" doesn't mean you couldn't accept her if she became normal again.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/27/19 06:02 PM.
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
S
Ske0187 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
Hi CW.
Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.

Well...What keeps fantasy from becoming reality right now...
1. My mind is too hosed to make any lifetime decisions yet.
2. I have to get through my son’s adoption mid October. I can’t have the civil action pending when the adoption occurs.
3. I don’t want to tell my sisters about this if I stay with the W.
4. They’re coming to stay for about a week and it would ruin the adoption celebration for them. This has been a very complex and difficult process for our family and is worthy of a celebration unencumbered by this BS.
5. I talked a line about deciding not to let the birthday discovery bother me. It did and does. It has taken me back About 90% from BD. I’m hoping my mind recovers faster though.
6. I’m committed not to make decisions based on my emotional state.
7. I have to see if DBing works. It’s too soon to tell and I have time.
8. I need more time to be a better me.

I don’t really have confidence that I won’t have to divorce. The W is going to be working there where he is. She won’t quit or move or entertain those options. She’s deep in her fog. I’m GALing enjoying my kids and can avoid the future financial constraints right now with her income still contributing.

Sleep would be awesome right now! Gonna try again...


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 123
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 123
I went back and caught up on some of your stich . Newbie too .I like the part when you don’t know what to say don’t say anything. It’s taken me a little bit to learn not to respond to about 50 percent of what H is saying because it’s just non sense or baiting . Not making a life time decision on an emotion you are feeling is a great idea .

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
S
Ske0187 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
Hi Cali.
Yeah. Today I had to endure about 25 minutes of revisionist history. I might have said 10 words. There just wasn’t any room to even validate. She skated right up to my boundaries but didn’t cross any.
She said that she had spent the last 15 years caring about what I needed but she stopped caring about me when she started her A.
What a bunch of horse hockey. I really didn’t know what to say to that. How does one validate that???
Hope your day went well.


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
S
Ske0187 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
Venting...

I figured after almost two months my emotions would have stabilized more than they have. I'm surprised at my emotional instability. By that I mean that I thought I'd be less sad, angry and bitter by now but it's not happening like that. I'm in the "I'm getting divorced" mindset and it's getting worse. I'm always thinking about how she could've done what she has done.

Totally unproductive.

I've been accepting of all of the emotions I've had so far and I guess I'll have to accept these again too. After having all of this in my life before, I always said I wouldn't ever accept being in this mindset again.

I thought I had handled all of this and have been detaching. Then I found out about them being together on my birthday. Now, I feel just like I did after BD. I'm worried about what she's doing when she's not at home. That's total BS and super unproductive. I don't need to feel that way. I don't want to feel that way. It just tells me that the results of my efforts to detach aren't as far along as I thought or hoped they would be. I though I was more detached than I obviously am.

It just pisses me off. Listening to her BS about how I was so horrible that she went to somebody else. What a crock. Then she tells me Saturday that she pushed her hopes and dreams off for me for 12 years and didn't have kids because I didn't want them. (True I didn't, but she knew that when we married plus it ended up she couldn't have any.) That we got married and I moved to DC for two years. I didn't, but had to travel up there relatively often.

I couldn't abide the kids comment and had to retort ("Yet there are two upstairs and it took six years to get them.") I could see that kind of cracked her delusion a little. The facts just didn't conform to her revision of our history so it affected her for a second.

We had a discussion about not hurting the kids. She said that no matter what happened, she knew she could always trust me to take care of the kids and she would never do anything to hurt them either. I then had to bring up that when she starts talking about our R or wanting to argue in front of them it hurts them. She got pissed about that. I know I shouldn't have said that and I'm trying not to. My mistake.

I'm just glad I didn't say what I really wanted to. I wanted to say, "Yeah, like doing something that would almost ensure the complete destruction of our family. Knowingly doing something that you are certain is a complete deal breaker for me and cause the kids to go the rest of their lives seeing their father 50% less than they could have. Me dying soon enough and not getting to spend half of the time I have left with them. I know that's a bit morbid but that's where my mind goes.

She said that she knew if it wasn't for the kids I'd be gone already. VERY TRUE.

She also reiterated that she's not going to live the rest of her life saying she's sorry about having the A.

The situation is still very new but there are so many things going against an R that I just can't even imagine getting to a place mentally to do it.

The big ones are:

1. She sees the OM everyday at work and goes just about everywhere with him. Won't stop and lies about it.
2. She keeps blaming me for the A. She always says I know the decision was mine "but".
3. The revisionist history.
4. Complete and total resentment based on her twisted opinion of our entire married life. I KNOW she was happy for some of it at least.

Booooo....


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
S
Ske0187 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
In the latest rant this morning she added the kids into the mix when she was spouting about what made her unsatisfied.
That she asked for help with the kids along with everything else and I didn't respond by helping her.

I've contributed probably 60-75% to taking care of the kids. It blew me away.

She was gas-lighting HUGE this morning. She tried to convince me that I told her that I wasn't sure if i wanted to be/stay married.

Whatever...

I was seething inside but I did a really good job of validating though.


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 123
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 123
I think validation is great though at times I walk a fine line with it . Example last week my h called one of the kids wanted to talk -they missed me . I missed the phone call . I got a text saying the kids need to learn that both of us won’t always be there to answer because we both want our time to go out and have a life without them and won’t answer . I validated and said I understand you feel you want the kids to learn that about you and I understand. I then said the kids will not need to have that view point of me as I will always try to answer or call back .

I too get the “ you said you didn’t want to be together or unsure “ - your sitch is different you know there is actively OM. Sounds more like the rewrite of history . I would just simply say I understand you feel that way and walk away . Seething is ok just not in front of W.

What are you doing to GAL?

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by "Caligirl"
I validated and said I understand you feel you want the kids to learn that about you and I understand. I then said the kids will not need to have that view point of me as I will always try to answer or call back .

Great response--validating that you understand his view, then stating your own. Since my sitch is now in a more healthy range, that's what I strive to do as well, and I see its usefulness in your co-parenting.

Last edited by CWarrior; 10/05/19 04:13 PM.
Page 8 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard