(((Kas))). Hopefully your 29th anniversary will find you happy and healthy...with or without your H. Sounds like you are working hard to get there. Happy anniversary. <3
I’m struggling today. I wish I had someone to talk to. A big part of me wants to give up. He’s not coming back so give in to the depression. Stop bettering myself and just go back to bed.
A teeny tiny part of me believes this is far from over and if I give up it will solidify his decision to D.
I'm 90% sure he was going to file mid May until he looked at the post divorce budget I did for HIM.
I think he wanted to give kids more money until he realized it's not there to give. He said he'd love to stay in the camper full time but he'd need to talk a kid into living with him there. If I got a 3 bedroom a kid would have to share.
I'm in a 4 bedroom rental now while he's in the camper. This keeps the kids standard of living intact. This works until he gets sick of living in the camper. The kids won't visit him there so if he wants that he will have to get his own place.
My IC asked me this questions: "Can you be open to reconciling without being hopeful?"
Is he going to want someone who stays in bed all day? Are you doing anything to become more attractive (to any potential partners)?
I'm sorry that you're having a tough day. You can move forward with your life without giving up on your H. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
How do I be open to reconciling and not be hopeful? Does not compute.
You're right he's not going to want someone who stays in bed all day.
Attracting men isn't hard however my husband walked out on me and our 3 teenagers. He left me to be both their father and mother. He left me to be a single parent. He sends money and mows the lawn. Unless he comes back I won't have another partner for a very very long time if ever.
The thought of not being held or touched or loved again ever makes me incredibly sad.
What makes you think if you give up it will solidify his position to D.
What does giving up look like to you?
The cliff notes are he left because I'm "crazy" aka depressed with anxiety. I added an anti depressant/anti anxiety med to my regiment after he left and suddenly my brain started working like it was supposed to. The results have been nothing short of miraculous. Seriously.
He has said the ONLY reason he would consider reconciling is because the depression/anxiety is gone. That said it's just a pill. The choice to reach for the stars or give up is now all mine.
90% of the time I reach for the stars which has planted some doubts in his head. He has not filed...yet. If I give up he can sleep soundly knowing he made the right choice to break up our family.
A month ago he said he had hope and now he doesn't. Said he was "done". The pill fixed my mental illness but the "work" to become a healthier person is all me. It's a choice now. My choice. That day I made a poor choice. I apologized, took ownership of it and changed it. I don't have papers...yet.
Today I'm very down since it's my anniversary. Normally I'd be admiring my dozen roses but today nothing. I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks. I haven't seen him in a month and if looks could kill I'd be dead right now. He blames me for D16 not speaking to him. We texted about her for a week or so but then it stopped.
All his communication towards her (she shows it all to me) is me, me, me, me. It's all about what he wants. HE loves her. HE wants a relationship with her. HE needs her in HIS life. HE misses her. Yes she's 16 but she is a CHILD and as a child his wants aren't exactly high on her priority list. I don't think he gets what him leaving did to her. He told me "I didn't WALK OUT ON HER. WALKING out is me quitting my job and moving 1,000 miles away." She doesn't see it that way but okay.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. S19 graduated high school with honors. Starts college tomorrow. I'm going it all alone but no he didn't walk out. The part where he misses everything is irrelevant I guess.
It's our 28th anniversary. Was he sad or did he celebrate? Does he care? This stinks. Yes I'm wallowing. Ugh.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I want to give up. This stinks. Can I fast forward to my next anniversary? Can I fast forward to the part where I'm no longer in pain? Ugh ugh ugh.
