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Its true..We have all reacted either in tears or anger or both at the MLCer

we are not saints ..right!
and if were anyone else doing this maybe besides our kids, we would give them the boot-

its not you--he is crazy right now and it is only the fact that they are in crises that we even consider trying to work it out
MLC gives them a free ticket for a while-

Hang in there
It is a most tough road and you will get the rewards for your efforts


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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After a couple of teary moments I got my act back together pretty quickly luckily.

H has said again he’s moving next week. I gave my usual responses. He brings it up after seeing the ow every time. He has said some odd things over the past few days. “I do still love you but we can’t work because (insert a lame reason)” however this is very different to the ILYBNILWY I constantly got at first. And also that he still finds me insanely attractive and cares about me but isn’t prepared to be miserable with me anymore. I just listened and validated but he hates that and wants me to tell him how I feel.

Then yesterday he actually came out with “it’s making me really sad that you aren’t crying about me leaving or fighting for me to stay. Why are you happy when I’m about to leave our 14 year relationship” I did not know what to say to this as it took me by surprise. I just said “I will be sad if you leave but understand”. Then he spoke for 15 minutes on how he felt and how I’m not fighting or telling him how I feel....I told him how I feel weeks ago and he knows I think but says I have no emotions or meaning etc I can’t win right now!

Trying to lay low and work on me while the ow gives the pressure. Plus I got a promotion at work this week so I have been super happy!

K

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Good Morning Kristy

Congratulations on the promotion! And on how well you’re doing with this situation.

I am glad you are pleased with the promotion. Someday, you will also be super happy at how you’ve handled yourself during this time with H. You are on a good path, keep on it.

A bit of encouragement and pointing out the obvious, which, as I recall, was not very obvious when I was where you are.

Originally Posted by Kristy84
Then yesterday he actually came out with “it’s making me really sad that you aren’t crying about me leaving or fighting for me to stay. Why are you happy when I’m about to leave our 14 year relationship” I did not know what to say to this as it took me by surprise.

Originally Posted by Kristy84
I just listened and validated but he hates that and wants me to tell him how I feel.

Trap alert! Landmine ahead!

Good job avoiding this pitfall.

H is trying to pull you in. Stay the course, do not fall for it.

Feelings can and will change.

If you tell H how you feel, he will use it (no matter what you tell him) against you. He will further justify his actions, his behaviour, his running. He is already changing history and saying how miserable he was, blah blah blah. He is just lashing out, in emotional turmoil - keep the focus on you.

The other problem with expressing your feelings - they will change. For example, if you were expressing how you feel. Just letting it out, saying whatever you feel, freely. Let’s say you are mad at him at the moment and say that. Well tomorrow (probably sooner) you’d calm down and wouldn't be mad, of course the words have been said - and MLCers have a really good memory within that Swiss cheese mind for stuff like that. And definitely don’t want to put it in writing, like a letter. H could pour over that nonstop and pick it apart.

Best to do what you’re doing. Listening and validating.

Feelings flit, and thoughts get influenced - find, alter, and strengthen your beliefs and follow those.

You’ll be happy you did, no matter what the outcome.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I agree with DNJ

There is nothing you can say
he is probably feeling extremely conflicted confused and guilty because deep inside he probably knows
this new fantasy life will fail..He wants you to prove to him he is making the right choice by creating drama

so stay the course, chanced are he will make a choice--it may be the wrong one but it will be his learning lesson
I like how you have the ability to see above the crises and focus on your promotion and other life things

Heal and adjust..no matter his choice you will be ok-

you will know more soon-


married 14 years
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M ow D ow
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Thanks DNJ

Unfortunately before I knew before this site and DBing, when I was doing all the wrong things - I sent him an email with all my feelings and where I had gone wrong in the relationship etc etc and he mentions it ALL the time. I feel that he will leave this week, I think the ow is pressuring him to do so and maybe once he goes he can at least learn some consequences. Also the atmosphere in the house when he is home can be awful. He’s either really high or really low/angry. I am actually looking forward to some stability for the children.

Obviously I don’t want him to go but have come to see that letting him free will give him his lesson which I think he needs. He also seems to think he’ll be popping round when he feels like it as friends as he said he will still need me to talk to!

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Thanks also peace and for your continued support to me! I’m very thankful x

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Hi Kristy

Don’t worry about the past email. We all make mistakes; if we didn’t we wouldn’t know what not to do. smile You’ve learned from it. Consider it something you can 180 from and demonstrate just how far you’ve come and how well you are doing.

Besides H going on about it ALL the time really shows how much he is following the script, that this isn’t about you. There is a positive side to most things.

A little caution about expectations. You might be correct about OW pressuring him. You probably are. It’s the little subtle expectancies of what he will and won’t do that is going to get you, and maybe not even how you think it will.

Yes H might leave this week. So you are preparing yourself - sort of. This leads to two situations. First, if he does leave then expectation met, and all those other little feelings and fears tied to that expectation become more true, more real, in your mind, not in actuality. However, actualities matter little. It’s your perceptions that shape your reality. Keeping your expectations at zero will not give those other feelings/fears something to hold on to and feed off of. Remain accurate in both thought and heart.

Second, if he does not leave then expectation unmet. Resentment builds, doubts, worry, stress, and so on. I thought he would leave, he is not making any progress, what am I doing wrong, etc... Keeping your expectations at zero will not give these feelings/fears something to hold on to and feed off of either.

Originally Posted by Kristy84
...once he goes he can at least might learn some consequences.


“Can at least” - This is an expectation.

Desires are wishes, hopes, and expectations. I will illustrate with positive desires or outcomes, there are lots of negative expectations as well which usually come about from unmet expectations. Of course there is despair, hopelessness, and such; however that not where you’re headed so let’s look forward.

Wishes are fantasy and not highly probably, even impossibilities reside within the realm of wishes.

Hopes are desires for an outcome and usually reasonable in possibility and better in probability than wishes.

Expectations are desires, hopes, are possible and probably, and have a timeframe. A deadline. This is a big trap. Placing a deadline on desires, on hope, will do just that - give it an expiration date. Kills it, once the deadline passes. This is the slow death of hope, something not readily seen as more and more expectations go unmet.

To keep hope alive - remove the element of time. Realize that time is a companion along this journey and hopes will or won’t be realized as they will - in their own time.

“Can at least” is hopeful, which is very good. You realize the possibility of H learning and growing.

The way you said this, and probably unknowingly looking at it: You expect H to grow once he leaves, and in a reasonable timeframe. He may or may not. You probably don’t think H will grow while at home. Both are reasonable possibilities. The latter slowly growing a resentment inside you, as you wait for him to leave so he can start to learn, start those consequences.

It is possible H will gain insights remaining at home as well. Have hope. Be careful not to extinguish the weakening flame.

Please do not look upon this as an admonishment, you are doing well. I started out to just say a little piece on hope and expectations and kind of rambled on a bit, I do have a passion regarding possibilities and hope. I looked at what I type, thought about what to backspace over, and figured what the heck - I’m talking to friend and she and I are discussing a pretty interesting topic. I hope you feel the same.

If H were to leave, you are correct, that awful atmosphere surrounding him would dissipate from within your home. It would follow him. You are a wise gal, seeing how H needs to have space and time to figure himself out.

By the way, I do remember and realize you and H are not married. I did refer to him as H and not partner. I am looking at him as the role in your relationship, not his legal title. If this offends or you prefer different please let me know. I suppose he legally is a common law husband at any rate.

Hoping you have a wonderful Sunday.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi DnJ

You are talking to a friend and I appreciate all advice and thoughts/suggestions as i think it’s helping me grow and develop through this situation too.

This is the 7th time H has said he is moving out but this time seems to be actually sorting out his clothes and belongings. We will see and like to you say having no expectations is how I will try and be from now on. He has increased his nasty comments towards me.

I suppose I’m thinking ahead in terms of working out when he sees the children. He seems to think he will be calling in when he feels like it and “still wants to be able to talk to me and be friends” so I’ve been trying to think of how to deal with that. I will want NC unless it’s regarding the kids. You are right though, it’s letting my mind run away with itself and creating extra thoughts, stress and worry. I need to live in each day for now.

After 14 years I think H is fine. We are as good as married but without the paper.

Thanks again and hope you has a great weekend

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So tonight it’s trying to dictate that he will have the kids some days during the week and weekend. How do I go about answering or dealing with this one. I didn’t raise my voice but he was pulling me into the argument all the time. Saying it’s up to him etc etc

Totally out of my depth with this one as it does get me angry that he wants to leave and dictate arrangements

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Hello Kristy

See a lawyer and ensure you know your rights. It is just information, you need not act on it. However, knowing what H can and cannot legally do will be a relief for you.

Most MLCers are not big on responsibilities, and a D12, S10, and S9 are going to be a responsibility. Some run from the pressure and responsibilities of children. It is possible H is just manipulating things, threatening a schedule. To get you mad, or, and yes this does happen, or to give up later for more money in a separation arrangement.

How to deal with him. Do not accept any schedule he puts forward. He hasn’t even moved out yet. Ignore his ranting and talk to a L. Whatever you find out, do not tell H. Do not tell him you have seen a L. You need to protect you and the kids.

You were looking into purchasing a house. Did that happen?

As you said, this is the 7th time H is threatening to move out. Leave him to his sorting of clothes. He will leave or he won’t. Take the kids out for ice cream, and arcade games. smile

Treat him like a roommate who’s mad. Go out and enjoy yourself. Be dim/dark, business-like, and only about bills and kids.

Stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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