Continue to focus on you and work on yourself. Yes, he's going to say things and then not follow through. Some will say things that they think you want to hear. Others will say, I'm working on the relationship, blah, blah, blah, and haven't moved an inch in effort. They are depressed and time is very, very slow for them.
Rise above his nonsense. I know that you are tempted to send a letter to his work, but what would it gain? Nothing because they will stick together no matter what for the time being. It is best to allow this mess to burn a slow and final death on its own. Oh, they all have consequences for their actions...but it is further down the road and you may not even become aware of those consequences.
Be the best that you can be, i.e., hold your head up, back straight and do what is best for you and your family. After all, you are the rational one right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I needed your message. I know it would gain nothing. I think it’s run through my mind because while I’m sat hurting he is carrying on the A. He’s also back to creating arguments and trying to push my buttons for not making any effort. He is feeling the pressure again. His mess, his decisions and I will continue to back off. As for consequences I do believe they will hit one day.
After being able to detach quite well I have gone back to overthinking what he is doing etc etc and thinking of them together. This i need to shake and get me back on track.
(((Kirsty))). I know how you feel. I have reached a pretty good level of acceptance, am happy in my life but still...still I get angry sometimes as I think about my XH’s lack of consequences. But, as Job says, I fully believe there are consequences that we are not and will not be aware of. For my XH, I think it will come when all of his new love hormones have worn off and he is once again faced with himself and the same issues he ran away from. Only he has given up 50% of his time with his children, ruined his R with his eldest daughter, taken a big hit to image (a lot of people know what an a$$ he has been) and is deeply in debt having bought a house where before he was debt-free. Choose better, not bitter. The phrase that has saved me countless times. It can save you too. Just remember that the BEST revenge is being happy and satisfied in your life. Work on that. If you are meant to R with your H, it will happen. Stay focused on you so that you will be better off no matter what happens. (((HUGS)))
You are doing so well. I'm so pleased that you went on holiday anyway. I am sure it was a surprise to him. Good.
Nothing has changed except he has thrown some crumbs your way.
I am a bit staggered with all the toys he keeps throwing out of his pram. So, you stated a fact: we cannot work on this M if you see her everyday. Perfectly reasonable and true. He had another job lined up so it wasn't exactly a difficult thing for him was it? But instead he sulked, gave it all the 'your not the boss of me' tripe and stated he couldn't be bothered working on it then. It's a tantrum. Unless you want to be married to a toddler; he's in no fit mind for you to be considering having a R with at the moment.
Nothing has changed. There is no need for an ultimatum (unless you want to) just keep DBing as you have.
If and when a man emerges from the toddler mind set then may be the time to see where this R can go.
It is very tough like purple heart tough to live with the MLCer
You are level headed and doing good-
Right now you can spend all your time healing and watching Being there for the kids and watching his words and mostly his actions
This is all still very new and can turn in any direction but you can begin to trust yourself that you will know what to do even if he does not
MLC seems tougher than most situations because it seems like they are being controlled by some illness or outside force and nothing will make them snap back to life
I can tell you that I put my time in with my XH MLC I waited I healed I tried I did therapy DB, alanon I validated him, became his friend
I dont regret any of it--I stood by him I never put him down to the kids- Today my life is good-my kids are happy and sucessful
He left --He M OW--he was so sure he made the right choice he was a sucessful and sober man and good father
Today he is miserable from what I hear..He lost everything, He is in debt, addicted to drugs ands alcohol and living somewhere unknown by his sisters and family Unknown if he is still M or even alive- Last job I knew of was at as a clerk in a store He has no relationships with his kids or his lifetime friends They do get consequesnses
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Your support continues to keep me sane. I am struggling lately with holding back and not just asking him to leave especially when he isn’t nice towards me. I know he’s going out with ow on Friday and I think he thinks I’m stupid. I have held back from telling him as such.
You are right though, at the moment he is not someone I would want to be in a Relationship with. I would need effort and changes too. It’s a long weary road. I have written “better not bitter” down and will remind myself to think this every time I think of getting my own revenge.
and if he is seeing the OW on a regular basis and dating her...
you may want to rethink your position when the time comes
giving them space is one thing..and deciding how long you want to live with this kind of thing is another- just my opinion
it would be seriously hard to know he is with OW and coming home to you as if nothing happened A divorce busting coach might be useful right now- The relationship probably wont work but these affairs can last for a time- Its a question of do you want to ride it out
I think the reconciliation rate for the spouse living at home is higher -but nothing is guaranteed
When MY XH did this--I was in the dark- In denial about OW- If I was aware..Im sure it would have been even harder-
stay strong The goal is your healing and sanity and the kids adjusting and thriving no matter what
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think I will have to try and take things slow and see how I feel. I’m sure as I grow stronger I will feel less in the dark.
I think he has had moments of cutting off from her as I can tell in his attitude and behaviour but then goes back. And now he has gone back to work it’s like back to square one.
I will keep with the dbing and no ultimatum as Yorkie suggested too.
Faking it till making it is so physically and emotionally draining
Couldn’t help but cry in front of him tonight. The going at me got too much as did him saying he’s going next week again and taking the car etc etc
I’ve not cried in front of him for a while but couldn’t help it. I’ve come out to get some space and sort myself out. I know I probably seem weak now whereas I have appeared strong
You are not weak. You've been at this for just a short period of time and him going and going got to you. We all have cried our fair share in front of these bozos. Sometimes, it just happens and then you allow those feelings to wash over you and release them. Each time you do this, you will find that your emotional crying jags will become shorter and shorter. You are only human and can only take so much of this nonsense before it truly gets to you.
Now, it's back on the tracks and keep moving forward. You are the only one that can decide when you've had enough.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
