Why aren't you fighting for me? Why aren't you dancing the dance? Why aren't you pursuing me for all you are worth?
Me, me, me, me, me.
If you have to answer "I'm dealing with this in my own way. I do believe that our M is worth saving, I'm sorry that you don't feel the same" End of discussion. Don't get drawn in.
Happy Bank Holiday too :-) We have some sun finally!
I have wondered if H is a narcissist and a lot of his behaviour has been existent all the way through the R. It wasn't really until kml pointed it out in one of my posts that I started to realise that. Sometimes it takes someone else when you've been living a certain way for so long.
That said, some of his behaviour is completely out of character which makes me also think of MLC. Who knows? There is no excuse for the A and all he says about it is "I shouldn't have done it because it's morally wrong".
He woke up this morning and tried to hug me, when I didn't hug back I had the script again.
"I'm done" "Theres no glimpse of you trying to change or make effort" "I'm not waiting any longer, I deserve better and so do you" "You say you want to build a new R together but you aren't trying to so I don't believe you" "I don't trust you, you don't trust me" "why can't you admit that it's over"
I am a laid back, carefree person who doesn't rise to drama. I think his only real shock was when I found out about the ow and hit the roof. I don't get angry and he had never seen it. That was the only time I saw him really question his actions and take stock of what he had done.That lasted a week. Since then though he has gone back to walking round like a "sex god" which I must admit I find quite funny.
I have wondered whether I should get angry more as that is a 180 for me but all advice says to not to.
I also asked him whether or not he had seen the ow since coming back from holiday. He said no but I know it was a lie. So he wants to run off with her, but wants me to tell him to go and can't admit to seeing her to keep me as back up.
I think I started to find a strong happy detached place just before I found out about the ow, and need to get back there again. I think it was easier because he didn't want to know me and so I "dropped the rope" and got my own act together. I haven't text or phoned him in around 10 weeks at all. He phoned me at work one day last week.
Since he wants to talk ALL the time now I'm finding it harder to detach from him. And it's all about feelings that he wants to talk about and the R. I try to listen only but it's more that he wants me to talk and If I start I end up saying too much.
They will get upset if we set new limits and we change things to help ourselves
I recently had an experience with a good friend who is showing signs of some kind of mental issue I can relate it to MLC
They blame us for their issues, and have no sense of remorse/insight and /or cant see their part in their problaems cant apologize this is crazy behavior- for us to try to waste energy figuring out
I would try very hard to NOT blame yourself In truth, If a person is having a mental crises of any kind--this is their issue--we cant respond and walk on egg shells to try to please them plus in truth we will never please them perfectly
Job is right **see a lawyer right away
He sounds like he will continue to go off the deep end and the MLCer gets worse..not better- unless they are either not in MLC or they get professional help
If he asks about the relationship get a therapist number available and say
I would be willing/happy to see if we can work things out I found this counselor and I would be willing to help our relationship if you want to go-
then continue to work on you It takes a lot of energy dealing with the at home MLCER and chances are he will continue to up the ANTI until e makes his choice-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So I’ve spent the last 3 days on holiday with my kids. H decided not to come as he needed space. I went alone which I think he didn’t think I would do. I didn’t phone him or text him at all while there however he text a few times per day and tried to phone.
I ignored all calls until the last day when he asked me to phone him. I did (an hour later) and he talked about missing me and wanting to try and make our R work.
When I returned home last night we spent some time together and he got into my bath which he hasn’t done since May. he discussed his job situation. Tomorrow he needs to be at his new job at my school however he seems to want to stay at his old school. I have not made comment about either until last night. I said if he continued to work at that school then I wouldn’t be able to work on our R as he would be in contact with her everyday.
His response was then that he couldn’t be bothered working on it then or if it is worth it. I know this was probably too much pressure however I feel I would need some proof that he has ended the A or do I wait and see if it fizzles out as per the DR book and Healing from infidelity book.
He is not willing to attend any therapy for our R
I’m wondering how to go from here. If he chooses to stay at his work with the ow I know I shouldn’t give him an ultimatum but I wonder what I should say. The books sometimes seem conflicting/confusing.
......he has chosen to stay at his work where ow is. Do I ask for proof that the R has ended or just detach completely. Feeling pretty broken today about it all.
If I were in your shoes, I would continue to detach and just leave him be. The more you try to pin him down about the ow, the more likely he will be to continue working w/the ow. The less you say about her, the better. If he truly wants to work on the relationship, he will have a lot of heavy lifting to prove it to you. He needs to earn your trust and respect and that is on him to do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job, I have tried to not comment on anything at all including the job, but find that he almost pushes me for an opinion or almost wants me to make decisions for him. He has chosen to stay there and I must now try and move forward and keep detaching like you said.
Some days I’m strong and other days feel so drained. I think focusing on myself and the children is the right path and if he wants to join it then like you say he needs to show it.
I would work on yourself the 180s listen to u positive tube videos, dB, and read
learn to trust yourself you will know exactly what to do at the perfect time
If he does not want therapy, you can continue to watch the situation and watch his actions Is he acting like a man wanting to be in a relationship Is he texting too much? Is he secretive, is he out late at night..
you will know...
for now if he is saying the right things, that is good, most mLCers never change the story at least that was my experience they talk about leaving, they leave
and those that return...if they decide they still cant they leave again
it does take time but even if he left it takes time to work on you-
Use the time to work on you-- and continue as you are something is keeping him there-
learn as much as you can on feminine energy . MLC, reconciliation ect
we are rooting for you
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
He says one thing but still half hearted and not putting in any effort. He has gone back to being online all the time on WhatsApp. I will continue to watch the videos and work on myself. I have watched a few and they are really helping!
I suppose I have to see if it fizzles out or not. I have been very tempted to get revenge by sending anonymous letter to his work etc or try to destroy them another way but I know it’s not the answer. It’s hard to not want to cause hurt when they seem to not have had any consequences.
