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You can answer "I would be happy to work on the marriage and get couples counseling to do that. But you can't be in a relationship with OW while we do that."

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I said something similar. That I won’t discuss the R while he is still in contact with the ow. He’s hit the roof. I’ve ended it now etc etc and he’s moving out this week.

Possibly I’ve made a mistake but I was trying to set a boundary.

Don’t know what to do or say for the best anymore. He’s relentless too with wanting to talk about the R

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Kirsty

It's hard and it hurts like hell but in my view you have absolutely done the right thing. This is about you, your sanity and your self respect.

He hit the roof because you have taken control of you. He's a bully. Why aren't you doing the pick me dance anymore. Let him go off and be in a rage. Poor thing. At least you won't have to put up with it if he's moved out. When he grows up a bit, he may realise that actions have consequences.

He needs to go and contemplate his navel for a bit. He wants to talk about the R whilst he is having sex with someone else. Do these people have no shame? My idiot actually told me what the preferred sexual position of his OW was and how he was pleased that he was able to do that for her.

If he goes then you can truly focus on yourself without having to wonder what is going to upset him now. It's liberating, I promise. You don't need to worry about what to do or say. It will be strictly business about the kids and nothing more.

It's counter intuitive but you need to show him your strength, show him that you'll be fine without him. If he would like a strong woman in his life who is drama free and got it together, he knows where you are.

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I asked if he was still in contact with her and he said “yes we are good friends and work together anyway”. He Is really angry now as I’ve never really stood up to him before like that.

Perhaps I haven’t worded it correctly or in the best way but I’ve said it now and he is disrespectful.

Always worrying that I’ve made everything worse

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Thanks Yorkie.

My H wont even mention her name to me. He has gone off in a rage. Also because after swearing at me during telling me how useless I am at everything I told him that I won’t be sworn at like that and he can speak to me when he has calmed down.

It seems he doesn’t want a strong woman but one he can control and I won’t play anymore.

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Good.

The truth is that your M is on the rocks. If it doesn't survive then at least you will have regained your sense of you and your self respect. No R is worth giving up those two things.

You haven't made it worse. How could it be worse than him seeing another woman and coming home to cuddle you at night?

He probably hoped that he could have both women for as long as he needed to decide which one was his best bet. OW is an unknown, she might not work out after all. He might find himself with neither. Tough.

Proud of you Kirsty. Stay strong. Scream and cry into a pillow. Look after yourself and the kids. Leave him to face his actions and his demons.

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Thanks Yorkie.

He’s just reduced me to tears over withholding money now for the kids and bills. Says all their sports and hobbies I can pay for on my own. Showing true colours but it got me upset and I tried not to be.

He is also extremely paranoid and thinks I am having an affair or sneaking behind his back which is bizarre. Every time I’ve said I need to go to get some milk or out to a shop he has jumped up and gone instead.

Questions my phone use while sat using his.

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I am so sorry that he's being such a pain. If you have not seen a lawyer, you need to get one and fast, i.e., especially if he is withholding money for the kids and bills. Do not put this off! He needs to "pony up" his share of expenses when it comes to the kids.

He is also projecting on to you what he's either doing or thinking of doing, i.e., having an affair. No, it's not strange, they do project on to us what they are thinking many times over. If he wants to jump up and get the milk, then so be it.

As for questioning you about your phone use...I wouldn't even address that w/him. He's just trying to pick fights w/you because he's just not a happy camper these days.

Please see a lawyer about those bills and expenses. You shouldn't have to foot them all on your own.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job

Yes I did wonder whether that he was doing it because of his own actions.

From the moment I open my eyes he is there again asking why I’m not fighting for the R or showing any affection. It’s getting hard to answer. He said there is no glimpse of it changing. He wants affection and I have withdrawn it.

This in itself is ironic as he hasn’t wanted me to even breathe near him since May! I have sorted the money thankfully but I didn’t want to cry in front of him and I did.

It’s hard to know if he’s serious about our R. And he’s avoided he question I probably shouldn’t have asked.

“Do you want to work on the R?”

“I don’t think it can be worked on”

Actually that’s probably a no isn’t it. He wants me to put the effort in to him but not do anything himself.

He says he hasn’t met up with her since coming home from vacation but who knows.

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Kirsty

Happy Bank Holiday. Here's a (((hug)) from up North.

I've just gone back and quickly reread your previous posts. In truth, this isn't out of the blue behaviour. The previous tantrums and threats to leave until you danced the dance and made it all right for him. The nastiness. The entitlement to an affair because he deserved to be worshipped and you weren't fitting the bill in his eyes. It's traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. There is a research paper that I read somewhere that reckons to prove that at no point during the formative years was the narcissist made to take responsibility for their actions. Somebody will have tried their hardest to smooth over the tantrums and bad behaviour that all toddlers exhibit. Some never grow emotionally beyond that stage. When he has hit rough points in his adult life (actually it's just life) he's thrown his toys out of the pram.

Some call it MLC; I am afraid I call it being a 'kn**' There are posters on here whose spouses have shown such bizarre behaviour that is completely off the wall that some sort of crisis has created a severe mental illness. Your H (and mine) are just showing their true colours. It's all about them. Most of their sentences begin with 'I' and when you focus your attention on yourself, well they lose the plot. How dare you? This is all about him and his entitlement.

He's following a script, like many narcissists before him. Therefore you must understand that this is not anything that you have done or not done.

You must must do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and the kids.

I suspect that your marital dynamic was a bit like mine and you will struggle not to try and smooth over the conflicts. It's tough to break that habit. It occurred to me yesterday that perhaps I am the female equivalent of Mr Nice Guy as I would be nice in order to get what I want ie peace and a pleasant atmosphere. Husband was definitely MNG though it's just that he didn't need anything from me anymore so he stopped being nice. I'm not sure how we lasted 30 years!!

He will roll in and out of feeling sad for the M, sorry for himself, being nice and being nasty to get what he wants and needs. Stay strong. Don't retaliate and let it roll off you. You are a separate entity to him. His shi**y behaviour does not mean that you are sh***y as well. The more that you distance yourself emotionally, the more that you will see what you want your way forward to be.

It's his circus. He's already got one performing monkey. You are not his second. You're strong Kirsty, that comes across in your posts. Just go and see that solicitor now.

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