I've started a new thread but am unsure of how to link together. Sorry Job, I'm not very tech savvy!
Since coming back from our vacation things have been very up and down. H started a major row declaring our R dead etc etc.
We have since began to talk again. The problem I have with him is that he wants to talk about the R at any given chance. Basically, wants me to agree with him that we don't work and he should go. He apparently made loads of effort on vacation and I made none etc I obviously won't push him to go and want to see if he does this on his own.
When I found out about the ow there seemed to be some remorse, guilt etc but he said yesterday that he feels no guilt whatsoever. Wondering if that's to start a new row.
I am not deluded in that I believe he can just end things with the ow immediately, and after my phone coaching was advised not to give an ultimatum and be patient which I understand. I know he's constantly in touch with her. I think before I went on vacation I had made such progress in myself and was coping really well. Then we had a great time in a different environment and now we are back home I feel a little like the hurt is raw again and I need to get strong from square one.
The tricky point in our R is that H was due to start a Job at my work in September. We have not brought this up in conversation but I am wondering if he chooses to stay at his work with the ow, do I give an ultimatum then or just ride the waves still? I know though that this would add pressure and if I make him choose he will no doubt choose her. (Think I just answered my own question there!)
K
Last edited by job; 08/18/1901:58 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
the vacation maybe gave you false hope so the hurt came back again
I would embrace it because this does hurt a lot- no way around the pain-
putting him on a shelf and what the future holds work on now...healing..being there for kids..getting back to a stronger place keep all interactions pleasant, fun, do some 180s new hair, new shoes, makeup ect, go out make a new freind talk about some dream that you always wanted like playing a instrument or creating a garden and take action to build up your life-
If he says something about leaving, or trying to ruin the M or start a fight
you can respond something like I feel sad if you decide to xyz, but I understand what you are saying
listen to u tube videos on feminine energy and create a upbeat energy in home compliment him if he does anything right
try this for 30 days work on lifting your vibration and being there for the kids.. let him make his own choices on his own with no help from you-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks peace, you're right. I got back into the swing of being a "family" again for 2 weeks, so the hurt has resurfaced.
He has started hugging me in bed, slightly more affection but I will continue as I have with no expectations. He is definitely cake eating.
I will take a look for the youtube videos, thanks for the advice.
I used to cycle which he is big into but I gave up when we had kids. I have just dusted off my bike and have taken up dancing again. Another old hobby. Time for my dreams to become a reality I think.
I haven't mentioned the job either at all. Patience, patience, patience :-)
I'm having really bad day, so would like to vent on here a bit.
Things have been gong ok until last night when he announced again that we don't work and the R is dead etc All stuff I've heard before.That we had a terrible time on holiday (we didn't) etc
I know he spent yesterday with the ow and that she is leaving her H to hopefully start a R with mine.
He started a huge row and I have bitten again. I retaliated. he said the kids will be told that we don't work, there's no love etc so I basically said that they would be told the truth. He said although he feels guilty he doesn't regret it.
This got me angry.
Feel like I've blown it again and feeling really low in myself - it's getting me a little weary so thought I'd turn here. Although nothing new I feel like the cycle goes round and round.
Maybe he needs to leave as part of his process but I still don't want to tell him to and despite the arguments haven't done so. Should I apologise when he returns or leave it and carry on as normal and try to get my act together.
Also I believe he is trying to take my children to meet ow later today. If this happens I feel like I would ask him to leave. Should I set these boundaries now. I feel like if this happens I would tell him to leave.
Obviously I only ‘think” he is planning this but I feel certain I am correct.
I would first try to get myself together through prayer, meditation, set up a counseling appointment for you breathing, listen to a positive u tube video or a few (Joel Olsteen) Listen to an alanon or Coda meeting online or even bring up a topic of detachment meetings are on phone constant from any location check online get support here through counseling or where you currently go-
get finances in order..get legal advise asap if you have not
Chances are the kids already know stuff is going on ( I forget the ages) At the very least..You can explain to them that sometimes adults and parents go through struggles and right now you love them very much and will always be here for them but you are tryng your best to help the M
and its not their fault..you are trying to work it out sometimes M dont work out..ect.. no blame on him..they will understand all this soon enough..but for now, my opinion is keep it neutral until you see where this is going
At the same time, in private, I would ask him for more time to adjust to keep the kids out of anything regarding this let him leave first..them the kids can know he is leaving If he has to leave...let him move out trust me the energy in your home will be 1000% better and you will get stronger without his constant threat of leaving
If you suspect any OW meeting, I would validate his choice to leave as his choice..and ask to keep the kids out of it for now-
Kindly, ask him for more time..but allow him to transition out first explaining if he moves out first..gives everyone time to adjust get some counseling for kids to adjust then the counselor can recommend the next moves(OW) ect... just buy some time
chances are the OW is also in MLC and if she is leaving her H and also has kids, there might be a lot of drama here-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
That all makes sense and i know if he does go I can rebuild from there.
I know the mood would be much better without him here. He is now back into trying to push my buttons, swearing in front of the kids, getting them to copy etc which he knows I don’t agree with. Kids are daughter (12) and sons (9,10) so they are probably knowing things aren’t right.
I think the pressure is on because he knows he needs to make choices. Does he leave his old work where she works or does he start the new job at my work. Both start back on 4 September. He came into my work on Monday to sort paperwork but since then things have gone downhill drastically. I haven’t commented on either job or mentioned them at all.
I managed to pick myself up for when he returned home.
I have finances in place ready for if he leaves. I know what I need to do etc
I think you're also right that there is a lot of drama here, with the ow having young kids too.
I am a person who likes to find solutions to problems so it's taken me a while to accept that I can't fix this and have no control over the outcome. I've booked a holiday for next year and not included him. That was a difficult decision to make but I figure that if a miracle happened and things were improving, I could always add him on.
I'm also trying to take each day as it is and go with the flow rather than feeling guilty for things I may have said/done wrong yesterday or worrying about tomorrow when it hasn't even arrived yet.
He hates that I have started getting back into sport (I'm not into sport and its not me apparently) which I haven't responded to. He seems to be matching my changes too. I have pumped a lot of energy into my business and started new ideas within it. He is doing the same thing with his business.
I have taken on new challenges in sport, hiking etc. He has announced to the facebook world that he has enrolled on new sporting challenges/events next year. Is this normal? It seems to be like a game of anything you can do I can do better!
I know I'll be ok regardless of what happens. I think though I'm at the start of a very long road.
