Oh yes, my therapist and I have discussed how this situation is a growth opportunity-she's referring to it as my "second spring" and feels one of the gifts I will receive is developing my patience. Yes, I am reclaiming myself. Over the last few years I really lost myself trying to make our marriage work, not realizing he was dragging along this tremendous emotional baggage of guilt and remorse over his infidelity. I do give him credit for breaking off the EA and confessing that to me as well. However, whether or not he will do the work necessary to come back remains to be seen. I'm just trying to avoid getting roped back in while he's figuring it out.
You know though, the one consistent action I am seeing (and have for maybe the past month), is his both leaving the tracker on and telling me where he's going/what he's been doing when he gets the chance. Yesterday when he was here he said "John's taking me out tonight" and sure enough, he was at the pub. (I don't worry about what he's doing there, it doesn't matter. If any woman is after his bright orange plaid shirt/cargo shorts/sandals and socks combo...well, she's welcome to it.) and that today he'd probably be going out to the lake to see a couple of our friends at their cabin...and yes, there he is.
It's weird, as he doesn't really seem to be reacting emotionally. His usage of future tenses is ramping up, and his thoughtfulness in some ways seems to be as well, and fairly consistently. However, I will not get my hopes up-after that major twist last week, and his subsequent retreat....I really have to protect myself. I do think he's still feeling me out after confessing the infidelity. But, like I said, I'm done with that push and pull. I am distancing myself. (Literally! 3000 km!). I am done hand holding him.
As far as making excuses-I know you aren't. I think I was, and I'm not either-I'm just trying to phrase boundaries so his actions have less impact on me. At this point, I'm not even really concerned about what impact they have on him.
As far as those boundaries-I'll revisit #1 and #2, and not even mention #3-as that is one I can just do-drop the volume and content of the texts/emails to a strictly business level. He also asked me to text him pictures etc from Halifax-I just said "I'll be posting on my facebook page".
I will see how the "after Halifax" talk goes-it's probably nothing.
Oh, and yes, I thought of the animals-I have a girlfriend who will keep an eye on the horses-feeder and water trough. She'll pop by and check on the cats too. I'm not really worried as he is quite concerned about the animals, particularly what may happen to them if I have to move. He likes animals, as do I. I really think that's partially why he wants me to stay for a year-to sort out the critters.
I am so excited about the trip! And, my Tai chi-always wanted to do it. Therapist suggested yoga for my anxiety, but when I said "Tai chi" she was thrilled!.
Me: 57 H:60 Married: 25 yrs DB #1 June 4/19 "I love you forever" June 14/19 DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
I just refriended him on facebook. On our android device, I was scrolling through my history to delete a few things-and I see his search history. How to set up facebook dating.
I am enraged. I am clearly Plan B. All his bullsh!t (sorry) about confessing/consumed by guilt all the rest of it-what a bunch of BS. I am going so dark now that it's not even funny. Refinance/separation agreement and we're done.
What an @ss. What happened to tears, I'm sorry, we'll talk, I like spending time with you. That's done. It's history.
Last edited by job; 09/08/1907:24 PM. Reason: edited language
Me: 57 H:60 Married: 25 yrs DB #1 June 4/19 "I love you forever" June 14/19 DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
It's difficult to describe my emotions right now....I did have hope, now my worst fears are confirmed. And, honestly, I'm not even crying. I'm sad, and I'm angry, but the simple facts are that he chose to cheat 15 years ago, he chose to lie for 15 years, he almost cheated again this spring, then he tells me he is sorry. But he's on all the dating sites about as fast as he can. And stripchat? seriously???? live sex cams.
I'm just quickly rewriting my will before I fly, and reassigning my POA. I still need him onboard for the refinance. So I will just be dark.
Me: 57 H:60 Married: 25 yrs DB #1 June 4/19 "I love you forever" June 14/19 DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Barb - I'm so sorry. It must be a shock for you to see it so blatantly.
My H shared a lot of naked pics with I don't know how many women on the internet - facebook friends, whatever. While we were living together and supposedly trying to work things out. So, I definitely can relate.
(((Barb)))
But, I'm curious. Why did you re-friend him? Why put yourself through that? Unfriend him, and block. You don't need to cause yourself more anxiety. I also wonder why you are still tracking your H? I would recommend deleting that app immediately. It will only drive to crazy and it can become obsessive. I know. I was there.
(((Barb)))
I can understand you need communication and cooperation from your H about the refi, but just keep it all business. It's for your own sanity.
I had unfriended him, and he asked about my trip-when I said "it'll be on facebook", he asks to refriend. As we had just had the "big confession" etc..I did. He's unfriended again. I don't need to see him. And yes, I am done tracking him. The door has slammed closed.
My personality is that I can give, and give, and give. But once I'm done, I'm done. And I am done. I will have trouble keeping it civil until the 27th-when we do the paperwork.
I understood the 15 year ago adultery, I thought we could work through the last 15 years, I thought it was positive when he broke off his EA, and then confessed to me. But...clearly, he's a long term liar, and a cheat. He even had the nerve to say to me "I'm not dating". Liar, liar, liar.
Grace, thank you for the hugs. It means a lot to know people are out there listening and caring.
I'm angry at myself for being such a dupe for the last years. I do deserve so, so much more.
Me: 57 H:60 Married: 25 yrs DB #1 June 4/19 "I love you forever" June 14/19 DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
He may not be dating. He may be out there surfing the net to see what's available, or these sites were initially logged into before he confessed his infidelity. I'm not surprised that he visited those site, but again, we can't "assume" that he's still visiting them.
As for the tracker, evidently he is trying to prove to you that he's not out there running around. If the app is on your phone, definitely remove it. It is creating a lot of issues for you and you do not need to know what he's doing because you are separated at the moment.
Unfriend and block him from your FB page. If you want to show him photos upon your return, you can do so if you want to. He doesn't need to know everything you are doing.
Glad you have someone who is going to stop by and check on the animals.
Breathe! Step back from the snooping and if something should pop up on your phone or computer that looks like something you don't want to see....send it to the trash bin.
From this day forward, it is time for you to reclaim yourself and focus on your trip. BTW, did Halifax survive Dorian and your friend is okay?
Barb, the one thing I truly had to learn was that I couldn't control anything that my spouse was doing...the only thing I could control was how I reacted to it. If you haven't done so, read the detachment thread. Detaching takes time, but it will help you learn how to not react to all that he does while you are separated.
Try to enjoy your trip and travel safely.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No, he was downloading the facebook dating app on Sept 6...1 wk after his big remorseful confession. So he is coming up, and I am done. He is no longer my spouse. We are business partners. Once we sign the refi/separation agreement he can do whatever he wants. He has lied to me for 15 years. He doesn't get any more passes. It's not even snooping, I just went on android to clear my browsing history of DB stuff...and there it was...My take? He initially thought he could leave me and hook up with "workfriend" that fell through. Now he's out there-facebook dating app was just the latest. I am clearly Plan B, and I am clearly worth so much more than that. I'm good. I'm settled. I'm even feeling glimmers of happiness as I can see not having to deal with this anymore.
I can't control him, but I can control my responses. As long as he is behaving like he's single-we are only business partners and my life will go on.
Me: 57 H:60 Married: 25 yrs DB #1 June 4/19 "I love you forever" June 14/19 DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Enjoy your trip and I hope the weather is far better than it was the last couple of days in Halifax. Drive safely, relax and have some fun. It's a new chapter in your book of life. When you have time, make a list of all of the things that you might like to do and then start doing them one by one.
Take care of yourself as you need some time to recharge your battery. Stress can do a lot of things to your body and you've been under quite a bit of it lately. Time for "me" time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry Barb. Glad you unfriended and blocked your H. I am actually grateful that my XH unfriended and blocked me four years before BD (he told me he deleted the app...lied of course). Even if he hadn’t, that would have been my first move. Honestly, the less you know, the easier it is to detach. I have no desire to know anything that is going on in my XH’s life. Even though we share custody of our kids 50/50, I make.a point of never asking them how their dad is or what they did with him or anything like that. On occasion, they volunteer something and I just smile and comment on it if they need me to but that’s about it. For all intent and purposes, he is dead to me. He doesn’t even have a name in my contacts on my phone. His name used to be No One but then I got worried my kids would see it so I changed it to Kids Dad. I think Job is right. I think he is checking it all out. Not sure he will be too happy with what he finds. (((HUGS)))
