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BarbH #2863396 08/29/19 04:59 PM
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BarbH Offline OP
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Hey DV6! I just read most of your threads-holy cow, that whole story about shingles is just too much. It's crazy isn't it, how we just believe everything they say, until suddenly the scales fall from your eyes.

Sometimes I think my H thinks he's on some kind of 6 month hall pass (he originally said "in 6 months he'd tell me if we were reconciling or not!) and that I'm still here keeping the home fires burning. Even though he's been such an a** (his messages to his "friends" while my mother was dying were unbelievable and cruel) I would still work towards a new marriage. However, I don't think he would ever commit to the work necessary to do so.

Thanks again for the advice and support. It really helps to be able to "talk" on this board. My friends are great-but they aren't around at midnight! Plus everyone here understands-that even though the marriage is off the rails, it's still possible to love someone and have some hope. I've never felt judgement on anyone's threads here about their stand (or decision not to stand), which I have had from some friends familiar with my situation.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
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BarbH Offline OP
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Well, what a day. first off-the tracker in the park last night was H at BiL's soccer game.

So he comes up to the house this morning. I had sent him an email, which he hadn't read. So instead I just started telling him what was in it. I had also said something about the separation.....so I mentioned it, and started to cry...which led to a bit of discussion. He said "I will explain it to you someday" (remember this).

So I go to town. He's at the house. I have some things to drop off at SiL's house. I text her, I go over, she's rounded up H to come over since she's trying to figure out his financials and why he's having to send me so much money. At first I think she's accusing me of gouging him. Then I say "but I send him all the bills and pdf of the reconciled accounts". Turns out he hadn't been opening any attachments. so when it looked like I was raiding the LOC's, I was actually covering household bills.

Then SiL says "let's get all the cards out on the table' and tries to get H to say he's done with the marriage "if you're done, you're done, if you're walking then be straight up". He won't say it. Then she asks me what I think, and I start crying and said something about "if you said our marriage was over 15 years ago,then thanks for wasting my time. Followed by "you said you would explain someday, but when someday comes, I won't be around". H makes his usual I'm uncomfortable with emotion face. Then SiL says "It's time, I'm going outside, you guys go downstairs and talk"

So he springs it on me. He did have an affair. 15 years ago for 6 months! And the guilt (H is a very black/white moral compass sort of man) has apparently been killing him for 15 years. He told his sister 2 days before.

Wow. I've forgiven him. (doesn't mean we won't need to talk about it). He cried, I cried, we hugged. we talked. He olds my hand. He said "I really like spending time with you" and I got one "I love you". We talked about retirement. We talked about finances. We talked about his almost EA with workfriend. Then we went upstairs and talked more with his sister.

When I left, I got the biggest, tightest hug I've had in a long time, and he whispered in my ear "I'm sorry". I whispered "It's okay, we'll talk, I love you".

So, he's at his sister's as he works tomorrow. He says "we'll talk about the separation when you get back from Halifax". (the 18th).

So we will see. Many miles to go here.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jan 2003
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Wow! That's a twist.

How do you feel about that? Is he willing to get counseling to address why he cheats?

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Thanks KML. I'm still digesting this. So,he cheated 15 years ago, and I think the guilt has poisoned our marriage ever since (hence his statement that this marriage was over 15 years ago). His recent "EA" with the workfriend-when I read his messages, he broke it off with her, came home and said "it was a friendship that went crazy"....

His family all tells me he still loves me, and he's "confused". So his sister (where he's been staying for 2 months) finally cracks the shell and finds out about the old PA. Then she (as described above) gets us together and the above situation happens.

Now, 24 hours later, I've had to text him about a couple of things-regarding our financing. I get no response.

I'm weighing pros and cons:

Pro: "I love you". talk about future. "I like spending time with you". "I miss our holidays" The hug. The "I'm sorry".
"When your mother died everything just came crashing down (I suspected this). When his sister pushed him he wouldn't say "I'm done". Hasn't wanted to sign separation agreement, hasn't cancelled joint life insurance. Wants to get me firewood for the winter, wants me to stay for a year.

Cons: Crickets again today, no response. still no "I miss you". no "I want to come back". No ""Ill work on this"

My thoughts: He's always been a runner-when he gets emotional, he has to hide before coming back. Is he just "hiding" again now? Did he scare himself? Did I scare him by forgiving him? When he whispered "I'm sorry"., good grief, I assumed "I'm sorry for everything/the affair/our situation". Maybe he just meant "Sorry I'm still leaving?" But then why not say so? why the clinch?

When I look back, we seem to be much closer now than at BD and BD#2. 10 weeks ago-he was adamant we were done. "There's nothing to talk about".

I'm seeing my therapist again Friday. H wants to talk when I get back from Halifax. I now have no idea what to expect.

So KML-to answer your question. I was totally blown away by this, but it makes sense. I get the "you deserve someone better" "I know right from wrong" "when this is over, we won't even be friends" etc. I think this was the deep dark secret that when our marriage got rocky and I wanted counselling he refused out of fear/shame/guilt.

So-Yes, I want to rebuild a new, stronger, better marriage and partnership. If he comes back, I need to establish my boundaries first

-I've forgiven, but I have questions re the affair.
-"Workfriend" has to be work contact only.
-Individual and marriage counselling.

I don't know if he loves me enough to do this, even with his secret exposed.

So since he's not responding, back to dimness and businesslike manner I guess.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jan 2000
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job Offline
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He may be "hiding" for a bit to mull over his next move and to give you time to settle down. He may think that you are angry and like a kid, they tend to avoid "mom and/or dad" until they things have settled down. He will contact you when he's ready. Continue to give him time and space to figure things out.

Try to enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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BarbH Offline OP
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Thanks Job for confirming what I was thinking. I will continue to give him his space. And I am enjoying my weekend-it's beautiful and sunny. So even though I'm working, I'm still enjoying!. Time and space. I think he thought I'd react much more dramatically. I'm not angry, I'm relieved that we are finally having some honesty in our relationship.

When I look back over the past 3 months or so, I need to thank everyone for their support-and at least I've gotten this far-where I am feeling more optimistic, but still able to try to think straight.

I'll take the 30 pound weight loss (and counting!), rekindled and new friendships as a bonus.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
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BarbH Offline OP
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OH and Job, I believe you were the person who, when I posted "this divorce isn't going to be busted, I"m done" wisely said "oh no, it's not over yet.". How right you were.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
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Hi Barb. I think he is retreating out of fear...that he said too much...that he is leading you on when he’s not sure what he is feeling and doesn’t want to go backwards and risk doing it all over again. This is the time with ZERO pressure is really, really critical. Step back from it. Give him time and space and keep DBing...GAL & 180s. Move ahead with no expectations as those will only set you up for disappointment. Really hoping things work out for you. (((HUGS)))

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Thanks DV6

Yes, I know I have to sit tight at this point. This is so counter-intuitive that it's not even funny. I want to call him up or text but I know I can't. I feel like we are at a crucial tipping point-that really I think (here I go mind reading) that he does want to recommit-but he's scared-I agree. He has even said that once or twice as in "what if we reconcile and we are in the same boat 2 years from now?". I think he is also aware that I will be asking him to come to counselling with me-and he's always been resistant. I know I've said my piece, he's well aware of where I stand, including that I don't want the old marriage back. My gut still says he's coming back, but I can't force him or tell him how to think. I'm holding onto when his sister said "If you're done, say you're done" and he wouldn't.

I do think, knowing him as I do, that if he decides to recommit, it will be an authentic, full-fledged promise. He doesn't do these things lightly, and as I said to his sister last night "he's a slow processor!".

I may end up posting rambling journalling tonight-I'm already feeling very anxious, and anything to avoid reaching out to him. Home, play with dog, hot tub and bed will be the plan, but there may well be 2 am posts, and I can't promise they will make a lot of sense.

Will keep you all posted. Wish me luck.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
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BarbH Offline OP
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Journalling. Long night. I am so anxious. My sister and brother in law are off camping so H is in town alone. He's taken the afternoon off and went home 6 hours early. He's been home by himself all afternoon. I hope he's thinking. I hope he's okay. He hasn't contacted me. After the other afternoon which felt so genuine, I have no idea what is on his mind. I'm fighting the urge to text so instead I'm here.

I am so confused by him. I thought once he talked about his deep dark secret we'd be making steps forward. Then I think maybe we really are done and he's just too cowardly to say so. I feel like a yoyo. But then I don't think we are really done as he's had ample opportunity to say so.

Then I fall back on believe nothing of what they say and 1/2 of what they do. I have the feeling we will have some kind of decision before I leave on the 9th. I hope he decides to try. I'm spinning, and I know it.

When he said "I'm sorry". And I said " it's okay and I love you". He didn't say it back. Maybe after all that the "I'm sorry" was really good-bye.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
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