Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[peacetoday]

I think you did good

limits

Let him figure things out and you can spend your time taking care of you
I would watch the account and be careful with money

they will spend funds that are not available, overspend, go in debt ect...
even if they were once good with money
everything changes in MLC

[BarbH]

Journal/update:

Finally got into my new counsellor-and I think she's going to help me out a lot. We've already touched on the majority of my issues-and have places to start some work. Namely: my propensity to withhold love/affection when I don't feel it's been "earned" (and identified that even though I have no doubt my father loves me, he's never used those words-the best he's said is he "likes my sister and I a lot"). My issues around planning, needing to organize (I'm not going to say control) things vs becoming "softer"...yes. My difficulties asking for what I need in a relationship. Also yes. Work to do! She's also very familiar with Michele's work and this board-and is actively encouraging me to stay on it-says it's a valuable resource and can be very helpful!

Re;H. Well, even my therapist agrees "he's confused" as she put-"he told you that". Yes, yes he did. I phoned him today (he answers my calls right away) to discuss moving closing the mortgage/refinance date so I can go on a sudden vacation to visit a friend. No problem, he's happy to do it. Also coming up to our place tomorrow to do some work-fencing/tree removal/and fix my oil leak on my truck that I can't handle. He's also going to stay with the animals while I travel (2 trips planned).

Here's what I'm finding odd-When he was up last week, my BIL asked if I was doing vacation-I said (quietly as I'm trying to be mysterious) that I may be going to Nova Scotia. So today, H says "so you're going to see your friend". Um, didn't think he heard anything I ever said. The other oddity is this: He has a amateur radio tracker in his car (it beacons, and can be seen on internet). He turned it on a week ago, and has it running all the time. When he first left, it was off for 2 months. I've scanned back, and really all he does is go to work, then home to sister's, once to a coffee shop, and once kayaking-with another ham radio friend as I saw his tracker too. In the back of my mind, I'm wondering if this is him trying to show me he's not seeing OW/Workfriend? I know that EA is over, and I'm pretty sure there's no one else. I can't think who else he thinks might be watching his tracker!

Am I overthinking this?

Anyway, I'm in a pretty happy place today. New therapist, major trip to a place I've never been, visiting a friend I haven't seen for a year-but who has been a major support-we message every day. Finances getting cleared up, and H being pleasant. WOW.

[job]

I'm glad you hit it off w/your new counselor. That's a first step and hopefully w/her assistance you can find a way to figure things out and how to go about making the changes you recognize, wan/t and/or need.

Try not to over analyze what your h is doing. As for the tracker, I do think he, in his own way, is trying to show you what he does w/his time. I wouldn't point out to him that his tracker has been flipped on because then he would know you are watching him once in a while.

Your trip is coming at a good time and you will enjoy the time away and also visiting w/a friend.

Looks like everything is starting to fall in place.

[peacetoday]

its hard to not overtthink all that MLC brings
much of it is guess work

also we tend to try to figure out which direction the MLCer will go
like what is he thinking and sooo many mixed messages along the way

some of them hook us I think because they are also in limbo
and unsure of their next move

Im glad you found a therapist...That is awesome and Im sure you will begin a lot of forward movement working on your issues and past
sometimes it takes a crises to make us move also

[BarbH]

Thanks to you both. I'm working hard on detachment. Hopefully I can manage to not be triggered when he comes up. He made a point of telling me "he was going to take the dog and/or stay overnight, but now he's made plans to go to the range". I will not let my mind ask "with who"

I have the elastic band on the wrist, as a visual. If I feel I'm being triggered-3 deep breaths, and if still triggered, walk away. That's the plan!

Even though the messages are mixed, the feeling I'm still getting is he's gone. I think the helpful things he is doing is because of guilt. But again, I shouldn't try to read minds, correct?

Going kayaking later with friends-will make sure kayaks are out and in truck before he gets here! And then, maybe I can leave earlier-before he does.

its hard to not overtthink all that MLC brings
much of it is guess work

some of them hook us I think because they are also in limbo
and unsure of their next move

Oh yes, I think he is in limbo. At some point, I need to figure out how to say the door is open....because one of his issues is that once he "makes a decision" he's too stubborn and/or proud to admit he's changed his mind. I'm worried that even if he feels doubt, he will stick with his original decision just out of pride or embarrassment. Which is a shame.

Once I get back from Nova Scotia, we'll finish the refinance. That increases his cash flow significantly. So...will he move out? Interesting. He's got it good right now at his sister's, so really not feeling the effects of any of this (other than he "missed me on his birthday"). Looks like he's cake eating at both places!

[DejaVu6]

Barb...sounds like things are going pretty well. As others have said, I wouldn’t spend too much time analyzing what he is doing or wondering about mixed messages. My XH has been extremely cooperative and friendly and helpful through most of our sitch...I am certain it is just guilt and helping me is his way of trying to alleviate some of that. Remember what is often said on here... if he is coming back, you will know it. If he isn’t, you will just be confused. If he wants to R, he will make that pretty clear and shame and pride won’t stop him if he is serious. Just keep working on you and doing what makes sense for you. Hope you have a fantastic time in Nova Scotia. I have never made it to that end of Canada (I live on Vancouver Island) but I hear it is beautiful. (((HUGS)))

[BarbH]

Hi DejaVu6:
another BC'er! I'm in the interior. NS has always been on my bucket list, in fact a cross country by train trip ending at NS has been high on the list. Finally the stars are aligning....girlfriend is there, not going on vacation with H, and have some money! Away I go.

So he was up this morning, fixed the things he said he was going to fix. I was pleasant, even kind of happy-when I'm happy I hum or whistle, and there i was, humming and whistling away. He was kind of terse when he first came up, then relaxed and talked for about an hr on back deck, about finances, house renos etc. He looks stressed, I'm feeling great! He started talking the sep. agreement and buying each other out-which neither of us can afford to do. i said something about the divorce/separation and then said "but you know how I feel about that-I should write it on a 2x4 and hit you with it!" We actually laughed about it. He made comments about "even if we do get back together, the farm is just too much". and I said "yes, and a house shouldn't break up a marriage-it can always be sold". We actually talked about the animals, moving to town, I stopped the conversation by saying "wait, you wanted 6 months before we talked about things so..."
He keeps bringing up the house/farm. It feels like it was the "OW". Except now that he's not here, I'm finding it pretty easy to keep going. With H not really contributing in the past couple of years-I can feel what an anchor he'd actually become. I'm rapidly developing a list in my head of what needs to happen for potential reconciliation.

Then he said "you should take the train back from NS" and discussed where and what I would be doing there. The Citadel/wineries/beaches/Peggy's Cove. He sounds kind of jealous actually.

I do think the possibility of a reconcile is on his mind. His approach has always been oblique ie: "how does a guy know if he should ask a girl to marry him"...if I may quote. So I take sideways conversations as a bit of a feeler.

Not getting hopes up at all. Continuing to GAL. I think I'm DB'ing like a madman!

[BarbH]

Well, after such a great day, here I am feeling very anxious. Why? because of that stupid tracker-apparently he's down at a local park and has been for 1.5 hrs. In the dark, but there is a lighted parking area. I know he runs/cycles, but really it's 10PM. If he was with someone, would he be at the park? Who knows. I don't know ,right? It changes nothing right? If the tracker still shows him there after 11 pm, I know it was just turned off...it gets bumped and turns itself off.(or he does it deliberately) I need to stop looking at the plotter.

Except...I was just pondering this-if there is no OW, (and according to his family, there isn't, but I expect there will be one day, and I am never going to ask him unless he talks about wanting to reconcile) does it change my approach from more dim/LRT'ish to something a little warmer? Start conversations? I think until I know what is going on, I need to stay dim, correct?

And here I was earlier thinking "well, that conversation went well"....Aaargghhh just when i think I get it together, I spin. so much for DB'ing like a madman! At least I haven't driven down to the park to see who is there-2 months ago, I would have.

Now he's moving. What the heck. His old EA was working today until 7PM. (she works an opposite schedule as the boss broke them up). I hate this. I really do just want to hit him with a 2x4 and say "wake up"!

thanks for listening guys, I need to vent that anxiety. But if there is no other woman, and it's me vs. whatever fantasy he has, should I be warming up a bit? I'm friendly now with conversation, I try to keep text short, sweet and only about house or financial issues.

[DejaVu6]

(((Barb))). I remember those anxious nights. They s*ck. First off...I would stop looking at that tracker if I were you. Honestly...unless you are using it to investigate the OW possibility, I would absolutely turn it off and forget it exists. It does nothing except cause you to spin and imagine worst case scenarios.

My two cents on the possibility of an OW. I would assume there is one as there usually is. Men don’t tend to leave their homes unless they have somewhere to go or someone to go to. My XH swore up and down on our children’s lives that there was no OW and I asked him MANY times. He told his mom the same thing...numerous times. He was lying. Like most of these guys, they want to do the crime but don’t want to do the time. They know it is wrong and that others would judge them for it so they lie...to EVERYONE. If there is someone else, you will find out eventually anyway. They can only hide things for so long.

Others may think differently but IMO your approach doesn’t change. The things you are doing are for you, not him. Detaching, GAL, 180s... are for you so you can emerge from this okay regardless of the outcome. Treat him like you would a neighbour. Be polite and friendly but not over the top. Be as busy as you can be. The friendly neighbour approach will feel forced at first but eventually it will come more naturally to you. (((HUGS)))

[BarbH]

Thanks DV!

Yes, I need to not look at the tracker. Since it's been off for over 2 months (since DB), but on again for the past week and not really showing him doing much-I did wonder if it was a way to show me what he was/or wasn't doing. But you're right, I can't read his mind, so off it goes. And really, now that he's not with me, he doesn't need to meet people clandestinely in parks. He can go to their house!

Re: OW. This is part of what I find strange. short recap-he emotionally checked out of marriage 2 years ago. We'd (well, me) had been having a horribly stressful 5-6 years what with cancer/mother with severe dementia/dad with mild dementia/bills/working overtime thanks to said bills etc. I found out after DB that he'd been messaging a "workfriend" and going for drinks and to the range with her. He was flirting on his messages, she wasn't really responding. She has a boyfriend. I think he had this fantasy that if he dumped me, he could hook up with her. This is a small town, H is with his sister and BiL and they both swear up and down that the affair is over. And that he doesn't have anyone else, but that he is "confused" and "thinking things over". He swears she "was just a friend and it got crazy and it's over". Sure. Baloney. I think he got crazy.

According to all his family-he goes to work, goes to the gym, goes biking and comes home. In the past couple of weeks with the tracker-that really does look like all that is happening. But who knows really. I'm steeling myself for a PA as I'm sure he's out there shopping around (although again, family says he went out one night to the bar, came home and said "that was boring"). He's 60.

And you're right, no OW, or there is OW, my approach should be the same. Even though he says things like "even if we reconcile the farm is too much" he also said "neither one of us can buy the other out" so he's all over the map. I was wondering what to do about those small openings..really though, I need just validate what he's saying (and I'm pretty bad at validation right now). Thinking back on yesterday, I let some chances slip by.

I think what really, really is getting me is that he's living the life-he's gal'ing better than I am! No responsibilities to our property up here,and probably few at his sister's. Doesn't have to shop/cook/clean can just do what he wants. In the meantime, I'm up here paying bills, prepping the house and property for sale, rebuilding the demolished bathroom (and he won't even commit to doing the plumbing!) and taking care of everything. That's not GAL, but it is galling! (I live for the bad pun) It's a lot like our marriage was, actually.

So he's off being 18, and I'm the adult. How is he even supposed to begin missing me under those circumstances? Back I go to LRT.