or CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly!
Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching DISCOUNT
SAVE$40 -- 3-SESSIONS for ONLY $350
- valid until June30

CALL 303-444-7004
or to order online at the Divorce Busting Store
use code SAVE$40

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?" #2861784
08/18/19 03:09 AM
08/18/19 03:09 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
Member
BarbH  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
Old thread (part 1)

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861782&page=1

Spoke with brother-in-law today (H is staying at their place). I still keep getting the "he's confused" story. apparently on his birthday yesterday, he said "he missed me on his birthday". He's also randomly bursting into tears. BIL also said that he never, ever says anything negative about me-even when reviewing the financial situation. Told BIL he "shouldn't have bought that mountain bike". However, even BIL agrees it will take months for him to sort this out, if ever. EA is over, according to BIL, which I sensed a couple of weeks ago.

I guess I'm standing. At least for now. I told BIL I would be kind, and I will try-that "loving detachment" that sounds so good, and is so hard.

However, on the way home, I began thinking about boundaries. I don't know if H is still planning on coming home on his days off, he hasn't said lately. His next set of 4 days off starts Monday. He's living out of a suitcase right now, so I imagine at some point he will come home, as his initial plan was to come home on days off to "do chores". I need to think about this, and what my cutoff point will be to ask him to leave again.

I'm also curious as to once we sort out the finances, and each of our monthly expenses drops by $1000....will he actually move out/get his own place at that point? And how will I handle that. I need to start emotionally prepping for that one.

I can't believe I'm actually encouraged by small things-I texted H that the bank visit today went well, and that I was emailing him copies of the paperwork. No answer for a few hours-then I got "Thank you, it's been a busy day". I just said "You're welcome" Holy moly, I actually got an explanation as to the delay. 2 thank yous in 2 days. This is a step up from "C U later" of a few weeks ago. Talk about over-analysis.

I'm finding this whole experience to be just bizarre.

Not back to work until Thursday. Plans: Sunday-workout, regular sunday am walk with friends, yardwork. Monday: workout, organize 2nd guest room (packing up his stuff so if I have guests, they have somewhere to sleep). Farrier coming for horses. Tuesday: workout, Town, visit dad, dinner with friends from out of town. Wednesday: workout, Hmmm....kayaking? Dog hike? I'll find something.

Thank you all again.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?" [Re: BarbH] #2861840
08/18/19 11:12 PM
08/18/19 11:12 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 647
G
Grace21 Offline
Member
Grace21  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 647

Originally Posted by BarbH
I can't believe I'm actually encouraged by small things-I texted H that the bank visit today went well, and that I was emailing him copies of the paperwork. No answer for a few hours-then I got "Thank you, it's been a busy day". I just said "You're welcome" Holy moly, I actually got an explanation as to the delay. 2 thank yous in 2 days. This is a step up. Talk about over-analysis.


Barb - we all do this. I was still doing it until H stopped contacting me. I'm going on 11 months now. It's part of the process of letting go. We hold on to hope, trying to grab that life-line, until we realize that's not our life-line after all. Hang in there. I like that you have plans for several days.

Once your H is out of the house in his own place, you will have to consider boundaries. I let my H come and go as he pleased, which was only on the weekend to do the lawn or pick something up, but now I've decided to not allow that. Iím now a bit sorry I let it go on so long. I think it might get ugly. He won't return my messages, so he will just find the house locked tight from now on, and have to contact me to get in. After what he pulled with the finances, he doesn't deserve anything from me really. I am, however, going to get advice from my attorney on this matter.

I hope you connect with your therapist. I would just advise to think about your purpose to the therapy. I use mine from time to time knowing itís more just me having a safe place to talk. She keeps telling me Iím doing really well, and I am, but itís nice to connect and regroup with her once in a while.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?" [Re: BarbH] #2861845
08/19/19 12:41 AM
08/19/19 12:41 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
Member
BarbH  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
Thanks Grace. I know I'm over analyzing everything. I'm sitting here convincing myself to rope drop. Seriously, how hard should that be considering he never talks to me anymore? Just money/business texts back and forth.

I had awesome plans, today I managed to walk, mow the lawn, still convincing myself to work out-I'm having a seriously downer day, sitting up here on the farm, wondering what the h*** is going on.

I can't lock him out, as he's joint owner so legally can come and go. That was originally his plan "4 days at sister's while working, then home for 4 days to do chores". Until last week he was actually letting me know what he was doing, but nothing now, so if he shows up its a surprise. I have a couple of friends up here that I can go to for visit if he comes. If he's civil, fine, but if not, I'll need to ask him to leave. (had to do that 2 weeks ago, hasn't been back except to dogsit while I went away).

What do I make of the things BIL is telling me? That he "misses me" and he's bursting into random tears? Clearly, not missing me enough, or sad enough, or whatever enough. He told me 2 weeks ago that "he had to hit rock bottom" whatever that means. It's 2 months since BD#2, apparently (according to him) 15 years since our marriage ended. It's horrible to think that someone I loved (and still do) and that I thought loved me, I think is now actually indifferent to me.

So I'm resolving to LRT/DB as best I can, but I'm feeling it's academic at this point, as we have so little contact. The emotional detachment is the hardest part-I think I'll talk to my therapist about that.

I read about what yours did with the finances, just when you think you've seen it all, right? It's awful, when you think things are a little positive, and then the rug gets pulled out again.

Barb


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: question re text messages [Re: BarbH] #2862035
08/20/19 10:25 AM
08/20/19 10:25 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
Member
BarbH  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada

So I've a question re text messages. We don't have a lot to talk about other than financial or house issues...And the separation agreement that he's yet to discuss. Scrolling back through my texts with him i realize I'm very chatty,asking questions and volunteering information, with really nothing coming back.

I'll write a chapter and get back 3 words...... "Thanks c u later" responses. So today I get a text "r u at work". I say "no, at home, farrier coming up at 3" usually i would follow this up with "why, what's up?", Or some other conversational comment. I had no response back. I think he wants to come up when I'm not here. I''m thinking of communicating at his level. I anticipate the same question tomorrow. Is it reasonable to just say "nope"? Cut down on any elaboration? Even though I'm going out tomorrow? I've committed to texting/emailing once a week with bills due for the next 2 weeks so I'll stick to that, one "business email or text a week unless it's an emergency. Otherwise only contact will be responding to messages from him.

He's the one who wanted "space", after all.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: question re text messages [Re: BarbH] #2862050
08/20/19 12:48 PM
08/20/19 12:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,522
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,522
Southern Maryland
I wouldn't be so forthcoming when communicating w/him. If he asks a question answer w/short, but sweet answers. If he asks if you are at work, just say no and leave it at that. At this time, you do not need to tell him everything that is going on in your life...i.e., he certainly isn't tell you about his. So, bottom line, don't share too much w/him. He needs to realize that he fired you as his wife and that things are slowly changing in the way of communicating and the relationship is definitely going to change if a divorce comes to be.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: question re text messages [Re: BarbH] #2862068
08/20/19 02:07 PM
08/20/19 02:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,890
P
peacetoday Offline
Member
peacetoday  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,890
I think that is a good plan

less involvement, less chat

detach and spend more energy on moving forward

keep your attention on the bills and make sure he does his part


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: question re text messages [Re: BarbH] #2862092
08/20/19 04:02 PM
08/20/19 04:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
Member
BarbH  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
Thanks guys for confirming what I was thinking, re the texting/communication.

I have to say, support comes from surprising places-My farrier was up (I've know him for 20 yrs). We were talking and he revealed he had split from wife #2 for over a year. He ended up in counselling, then marriage counselling and now they are 'back stronger than ever" in his words. He was pretty blunt about what he's seen over the past year or so in my relationship with H-he even said the last few times he was up talking to me, when he left he was thinking "what is she doing with him?" He totally reinforced everything you folks are saying-GAL/PMA/leave him alone, he has to do the work. He also said (and I love him for this), that if I have to euthanize my old horses, he will help me with that-either by being here or taking them to his acreage. My gosh, people are wonderful, and I find I have more support than I think I do sometimes.

So today-house appraisal, then into town for dinner with friends visiting from out of town. I've cleaned out the "den" (packed up all H's radio equipment and stuffed it in a closet) to make a guest room so I can have company! Tomorrow: hmmm probably boring stuff-mowing lawns etc.

But, thinking ahead to winter-which are long/dark and not much to do in the boonies-I realized our town has a "volunteer" page-so I've been looking at various volunteer opportunities. There's more than one that looks interesting! I don't know if everywhere has this kind of volunteer hub-but seriously, there's another GAL opportunity.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: I think I did okay! [Re: BarbH] #2862195
08/21/19 03:49 AM
08/21/19 03:49 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
Member
BarbH  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
So H texted he wanted to come up tomorrow to pick some items up with BIL (brother-in-law) to take to the other property (the ranch). He also said we should talk about the mortgage situation. I said that would be fine, he asked what I thought, I said I thought that since the consumer debt had to be dealt with anyway, we should look at the refinance as the monthly bill would help both our cash flow.

Then he said he wanted to take the truck and RV up to the ranch. As far as I'm concerned, the truck/RV/Boat/Suzuki are the 4 main vehicle assets under discussion. I said "until we've sorted out ownership, I think all assets should stay here". He said "I thought you said you were okay with it". I said "I understand that is what I said, but I've reconsidered. I think we need to discuss it". He got a little cranky, but I was calm! I said "truck needs tires, has an oil leak, if it's going to end up being mine, I don't want it going anywhere". So he asked if we would split the repairs, I said no. We need to discuss ownership.

Then the dog-she's due for repeat x-rays on a tooth she damaged. We will also discuss who is taking her to the vets' (specialist-3 hrs drive). He wants to take her to his sister's, and I'm okay with that as the separation agreement states "joint ownership until we decide differently".

When discussing the vehicles, I did get to say "H, you are the one who decided to step out of the marriage, and as part of that we need to decide who actually owns what".

He got cranky, I stayed calm! I've very proud of myself! Hope I can do the same tomorrow. I even validated a couple of things he said! I didn't cry, or waver!

I'll even make iced tea so i can offer BIL (and H) a glass while we're discussing whatever we're going to discuss tomorrow, and even though I'll be fixing fencing, I will still look fabulous! I can really rock a wide brimmed sunhat.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: I think I did okay! [Re: BarbH] #2862197
08/21/19 04:10 AM
08/21/19 04:10 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
Member
BarbH  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
My signature isn't showing up.

Quick recap. Me 57, H 60 (3 days ago). no children. Hobby farm, horses, dog, cats.

H: Morbidly afraid of dying-mother died when he was 23, father when he was 28, bff at 51, I was dx with breast cancer when he was 54.

M: Br ca at 50, mother with severe dementia-passed June 8,2019, father with mod. dementia still living alone at home, 1 hr from us. Working ++OT due to debt load after off work x 1 yr.

Anyway, H emotionally checks out of our marriage about 2 yrs ago. wants to retire-finances won't quite allow. I go to planner and say "here's how you can retire, but I want us to be happy (and we haven't for a couple of years) so we need help (this is not the first time I've suggested counselling). DB #1 June 4. "We're beyond talking". Mother passes June 8. I discover FB messages between H and "workfriend" he's flirting with. Also various messages between him and friends re: "POF/the gym is a "target rich environment". and various other grade 10 type sniggering comments.

He's absent during the 3 days I'm with my mother. June 14-he comes home "he loves me forever, it's always me, he'll do whatever it takes". June 19=1 hr before MC "theres no spark, we're done" BD#2

Since then: I think this is full blown MLC. He's living with sister, originally wanted to spend 4 nights there (while at work), then 4 at home to do chores. Tears, pursuing from me. Tears from him. "I don't want to hurt you" "I"m so confused" "i need space" etc. "you work too much" "the house isn't clean enough (!)". EA is over. He's at the gym, running and has bought a mountain bike (which he 3 weeks later told BIL he shouldn't have). Told me "our marriage ended 15 years ago" but wants me to stay on the farm for a year. (I'm okay with this, as renos/painting/purging needs doing, plus horses and other animals to deal with) He'll get me firewood etc (hence use of RV). His family says "they don't know who he is, he's changed so much". All previous interests have gone by the wayside. I think he hates me, family says he doesn't. I still hear "he's confused" and "give him space". Seriously, he's a hot mess.

I'm GALing/PMA'ing/ and finally starting to draw some lines in the sand. (see the previous post!).

OH and sorry, previous post-I was in town having dinner. I got home-he phoned and that was the conversation....I wasn't too clear.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: Dare I send this? [Re: BarbH] #2862339
08/21/19 10:44 PM
08/21/19 10:44 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
B
BarbH Offline OP
Member
BarbH  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 137
BC, Canada
So H and BIL were up-idle chit chat on back deck talking about this and that. It's bizarre, it's like he thinks we are best buds, talking about coming up again and doing chores, looking at the truck oil leak, concerts we went to last year, vacations from last year. They go off up to the ranch.

On their way back, H stops in again to pick up his kayak. (My brain starts going "who's he kayaking with" but it's none of my business and I need to leave it alone) I ignore this until he comes in and asks "where's my life jacket" Ummm hanging up where it always is. Then he asks for the PIN for the joint online line of credit-which only has a few hundred in it right now. He has the account #. I lose it, as I'm already edgy. I say I'm not giving you my pin. You have the account #, be an adult and set up your own login. He gets p!ssy and leaves with BIL.

I want to say "It's incredibly annoying to me that you walk away from our marriage and still have the expectation that I will take care of things. Where's my life jacket so I can go kayaking with my new buddies/ What's the pin # when you have all the info to set up your own. Yes, this is a trigger for me. I don't mind taking care of details if and when we are together providing you take an interest in what we are doing but honestly, you asked for space, and we are not together, and you know how I feel about that. I feel part of that space is that you should be figuring your s*** out, not me providing the easy answers"

I probably shouldn't send that.

Last edited by job; 08/22/19 12:30 PM. Reason: edited a word

Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004