Does it matter that she’s already filed for divorce and we’ve had our temporary hearing?
We’re 4 months in and it will take at least a year in our state.
Originally Posted by LH19
H,
This is what they do. You stick up for yourself and you are correct her parents shouldn’t undermine your parenting and they don’t like it (but respect it) and throw out the D were to try to get you to fall in line.
My sitch lasted about 3.5 years and was a painful mfer. The thing is I am 1,000 stronger today.
Just start building your own life. What would that look like?
I was just catching up on this thread and saw a couple of mentions about LRT. I’ve read about LRT, but I’m a bit confused about how LRT differs from what we are meant to be doing in DBing all along?
I don’t mean to hijack, I feel like maybe HH might be unclear about this as well? Just a thought, don’t mean to put words in anyone’s mouth
So today I just had a sense of calm come over me almost to the point that I don’t care about the situation anymore. I think I just want it over with. I can still see a life with my wife and feel like I still want that, but I feel like I can only take so much.
Is this normal?
We don’t talk, except during webchat’s with our son and mostly it’s just about what’s going on in his life, nothing with either of us. She hasn’t been willing to talk or have a real conversation outside of MC in almost 5 months. I feel that’s very immature. This is her decision and she will admit it.
I just don’t know how long I can be expected to want to work on the relationship if we’re only talking about our relationship or about each other for just 4 hours a month.
Yes it is completely normal and it is a good sign. Most of us LBS cling to the old relationship hoping our now changed spouses will return to normal. We deal with a ton of crazy disrespectful behavior and hope that our kind loving spouse will return. As we improve ourselves and make a new life for ourself we can detach more. We realize that unless the walk away spouse makes changes to themselves, that we do not want an R with them.
Short version: you are detaching well. Keep it up bud.
HH, completely normal. I've had the exact experience. Some days I'm actually not really wanting her back. I'm not angry or bitter, just becoming my own person (again). Only caution I'll offer is that something will come up that triggers you and you'll get emotional. W moved out this week and the house is super quiet and empty. The absence tore me up. And that she left every single thing that was of us (pics) was a kick in the stomach. But then today I took a book to the cafe I went to for lunch and read outside - haven't been able to read during the day in years. Small thing, yes, and I have other examples. But my point is that this will probably be a bit of a roller coaster for you. Congrats on getting to a new level!
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
You have good days and you have bad. That's why we called it a roller coaster. Eventually you will have more good days then bad and then the majority will be good days.
The problem you are having is that you are a male and are thinking with logic and reason. You think because you are going to MC you are working on the marriage but in reality you are not. You think if you can talk about it you can use logic and reason to convince her that staying married is the right thing to do. As a woman, right now she is making decisions based on emotion. There is a saying around here. When she is working on the marriage you will know until then you will be confused.
You are right, but why do you say we’re not going to MC to work on the marriage? What are we going for?
I am trying to make my decisions based on logic and have conversations with her on emotion. The key is to keep my emotions in check.
Originally Posted by LH19
H,
You have good days and you have bad. That's why we called it a roller coaster. Eventually you will have more good days then bad and then the majority will be good days.
The problem you are having is that you are a male and are thinking with logic and reason. You think because you are going to MC you are working on the marriage but in reality you are not. You think if you can talk about it you can use logic and reason to convince her that staying married is the right thing to do. As a woman, right now she is making decisions based on emotion. There is a saying around here. When she is working on the marriage you will know until then you will be confused.
I felt that things had been going well, especially in MC. We had been getting along pretty good for awhile. Yesterday was great! We had a pretty could MC session, even though she said she still wasn’t sure if she wanted to work on our marriage. We’ve been separated for 6 months and I would think she would know by now.
In addition, on Monday at our sons doctors appointment we talked at her request. I told her that I was tired of being on the defensive and I felt she was in a negative loop that she just couldn’t get out of and that I was not her enemy. I just wanted to support her and agree with her so that she knew I wasn’t trying to argue. I told her I was fine if she wanted to divorce and I was fine if she wanted to work on the marriage. I told her at this point I was just really done with all of it. She got somewhat angry, but surprised.
Because of my feelings and our conversation, I told her that I felt that she wasn’t capable of having an adult conversation. To which she just put her head down and didn’t disagree with me. I decided that it was time to offer her my wedding ring back. It was weird because at that point I feel like she knew I was serious and tired of her nonsense, so she literally ran to her car as quickly as she could and took off. It was weird how she acted. I would’ve thought she wanted to take it.
She was VERY nice to me the rest of Monday, Tuesday and yesterday. In fact, we had a great MC session yesterday. I told the doctor what I did and why I did it. He asked me what I felt I needed to do to earn her trust and respect back, so I asked my W. She told me Coparenting, consistency and doing what she asks. By the time the session was over I felt better. I don’t know how she felt about it, but I honestly didn’t care. The one question I have is that now the only advice the doctor gives us is to continue only talking about our son and leave the relationship talks in therapy. I don’t see how only talking about our relationship 4 hours a month really moves our marriage forward and fixes it.
Outside, we talked more. She prayed with me and I asked her what I needed to do girl get her heat back. She told me she wanted me to write her letters. She didn’t realize all the things I’ve done to work on myself and our marriage. It really affected her. As everyone knows her parents are a huge unhealthy part of our lives, so she wants me to write her parents apology letters. I highly doubt my lawyer will let me, though.
I think she felt that way too because yesterday evening we spoke for about 45 mins on webchat, but I only spoke to my son for about 5 mins. He didn’t want to talk last night anyway. She told me about her job, her day, etc. I listened, validated, congratulated and tried to make her feel the way I always made her feel.
She was so sweet last night. She told me she wasn’t going anywhere, but would let me know if she did. I told her I would do the same, but didn’t because that wasn’t giving her space.
Our son started practice today, so this was the first time we’ve had to be together in public to work on coparenting. I felt it was awkward. As usual, she brought her mother. This was also the first time I’d seen her mother in months. I spoke to her mother and tried to be nice, but got yelled at a couple of times. I was also told that I would NEVER get back in her parents heart. I took it because I’m trying to humble myself. I explained that this wasn’t the time or place to get angry at me. She agreed and walked off.
My wife was cold and distant with me the entire time. When practice was over, I took my son to her car where she was there. I told her it was nice to see her and I tried to shake her hand. She absolutely refused and walked off. When I asked her why she wouldn’t do that, she said because it was weird. I don’t know why that’s weird.
We texted for about 20 mins after, as I was trying to understand why she wasn’t so cold and distant with me. She just said because she was. I feel it ‘s all because she was around her parents and I don’t know how to overcome that issue.
I know that this isn’t DB well, but in MC we are supposed to be working on coparenting, trust, respect, communication, and empathy. Therapy is her idea and she always asks me to go with her. Now, she agrees it’s more than coparenting and only says coparenting when she wants to argue.
One more thing, I spoke to my lawyer yesterday. He told me that she asked for an extension to the discovery documents I sent her. He said he agreed to the extension, but her lawyer said he needed to get my discovery documents out soon. I feel that’s another positive sign she doesn’t want our marriage to end, but I don’t know anymore.
Im trying to stay positive. I’m GALing like a madman. I’m living my own life. I am trying my best to be so patient. I’m just to my breaking point.
Is 6 months a long time to be patient? Are these ups and downs normal? Why do they happen? When is enough enough?!?
