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A Message from Michele
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Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: LH19] #2861741
08/17/19 02:47 PM
08/17/19 02:47 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
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HrtHsbnd Offline OP
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HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
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Posts: 157
Does it matter that sheís already filed for divorce and weíve had our temporary hearing?

Weíre 4 months in and it will take at least a year in our state.

Originally Posted by LH19
H,

This is what they do. You stick up for yourself and you are correct her parents shouldnít undermine your parenting and they donít like it (but respect it) and throw out the D were to try to get you to fall in line.

My sitch lasted about 3.5 years and was a painful mfer. The thing is I am 1,000 stronger today.

Just start building your own life. What would that look like?

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861763
08/17/19 06:05 PM
08/17/19 06:05 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 178
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HopeCA Offline
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HopeCA  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 178
I was just catching up on this thread and saw a couple of mentions about LRT. Iíve read about LRT, but Iím a bit confused about how LRT differs from what we are meant to be doing in DBing all along?

I donít mean to hijack, I feel like maybe HH might be unclear about this as well? Just a thought, donít mean to put words in anyoneís mouth smile

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861858
08/19/19 02:48 AM
08/19/19 02:48 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
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HrtHsbnd Offline OP
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HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
So today I just had a sense of calm come over me almost to the point that I donít care about the situation anymore. I think I just want it over with. I can still see a life with my wife and feel like I still want that, but I feel like I can only take so much.

Is this normal?

We donít talk, except during webchatís with our son and mostly itís just about whatís going on in his life, nothing with either of us. She hasnít been willing to talk or have a real conversation outside of MC in almost 5 months. I feel thatís very immature. This is her decision and she will admit it.

I just donít know how long I can be expected to want to work on the relationship if weíre only talking about our relationship or about each other for just 4 hours a month.

Iím almost ready to give it up.

Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 08/19/19 02:49 AM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861859
08/19/19 03:02 AM
08/19/19 03:02 AM
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Hallzy9 Offline
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Posts: 218
HH,

Yes it is completely normal and it is a good sign. Most of us LBS cling to the old relationship hoping our now changed spouses will return to normal. We deal with a ton of crazy disrespectful behavior and hope that our kind loving spouse will return. As we improve ourselves and make a new life for ourself we can detach more. We realize that unless the walk away spouse makes changes to themselves, that we do not want an R with them.

Short version: you are detaching well. Keep it up bud.


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861861
08/19/19 03:14 AM
08/19/19 03:14 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 163
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crdcheck Offline
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HH, completely normal. I've had the exact experience. Some days I'm actually not really wanting her back. I'm not angry or bitter, just becoming my own person (again). Only caution I'll offer is that something will come up that triggers you and you'll get emotional. W moved out this week and the house is super quiet and empty. The absence tore me up. And that she left every single thing that was of us (pics) was a kick in the stomach. But then today I took a book to the cafe I went to for lunch and read outside - haven't been able to read during the day in years. Small thing, yes, and I have other examples. But my point is that this will probably be a bit of a roller coaster for you. Congrats on getting to a new level!


M(35), W(35), D(4)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
W moved out Aug 13
In mediation with intent to dissolve as soon as possible
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861878
08/19/19 11:20 AM
08/19/19 11:20 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,016
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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H,

You have good days and you have bad. That's why we called it a roller coaster. Eventually you will have more good days then bad and then the majority will be good days.

The problem you are having is that you are a male and are thinking with logic and reason. You think because you are going to MC you are working on the marriage but in reality you are not. You think if you can talk about it you can use logic and reason to convince her that staying married is the right thing to do. As a woman, right now she is making decisions based on emotion. There is a saying around here. When she is working on the marriage you will know until then you will be confused.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: LH19] #2862574
08/23/19 03:34 PM
08/23/19 03:34 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
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HrtHsbnd Offline OP
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HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
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You are right, but why do you say weíre not going to MC to work on the marriage? What are we going for?

I am trying to make my decisions based on logic and have conversations with her on emotion. The key is to keep my emotions in check.

Originally Posted by LH19
H,

You have good days and you have bad. That's why we called it a roller coaster. Eventually you will have more good days then bad and then the majority will be good days.

The problem you are having is that you are a male and are thinking with logic and reason. You think because you are going to MC you are working on the marriage but in reality you are not. You think if you can talk about it you can use logic and reason to convince her that staying married is the right thing to do. As a woman, right now she is making decisions based on emotion. There is a saying around here. When she is working on the marriage you will know until then you will be confused.

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2862575
08/23/19 03:34 PM
08/23/19 03:34 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
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HrtHsbnd Offline OP
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HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
I would love AS and Sandiís thoughts too!

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2864249
09/06/19 02:49 AM
09/06/19 02:49 AM
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Posts: 157
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HrtHsbnd Offline OP
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HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
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Posts: 157
I wanted to give an update.

I felt that things had been going well, especially in MC. We had been getting along pretty good for awhile. Yesterday was great! We had a pretty could MC session, even though she said she still wasnít sure if she wanted to work on our marriage. Weíve been separated for 6 months and I would think she would know by now.

In addition, on Monday at our sons doctors appointment we talked at her request. I told her that I was tired of being on the defensive and I felt she was in a negative loop that she just couldnít get out of and that I was not her enemy. I just wanted to support her and agree with her so that she knew I wasnít trying to argue. I told her I was fine if she wanted to divorce and I was fine if she wanted to work on the marriage. I told her at this point I was just really done with all of it. She got somewhat angry, but surprised.

Because of my feelings and our conversation, I told her that I felt that she wasnít capable of having an adult conversation. To which she just put her head down and didnít disagree with me. I decided that it was time to offer her my wedding ring back. It was weird because at that point I feel like she knew I was serious and tired of her nonsense, so she literally ran to her car as quickly as she could and took off. It was weird how she acted. I wouldíve thought she wanted to take it.

She was VERY nice to me the rest of Monday, Tuesday and yesterday. In fact, we had a great MC session yesterday. I told the doctor what I did and why I did it. He asked me what I felt I needed to do to earn her trust and respect back, so I asked my W. She told me Coparenting, consistency and doing what she asks. By the time the session was over I felt better. I donít know how she felt about it, but I honestly didnít care. The one question I have is that now the only advice the doctor gives us is to continue only talking about our son and leave the relationship talks in therapy. I donít see how only talking about our relationship 4 hours a month really moves our marriage forward and fixes it.

Outside, we talked more. She prayed with me and I asked her what I needed to do girl get her heat back. She told me she wanted me to write her letters. She didnít realize all the things Iíve done to work on myself and our marriage. It really affected her. As everyone knows her parents are a huge unhealthy part of our lives, so she wants me to write her parents apology letters. I highly doubt my lawyer will let me, though.

I think she felt that way too because yesterday evening we spoke for about 45 mins on webchat, but I only spoke to my son for about 5 mins. He didnít want to talk last night anyway. She told me about her job, her day, etc. I listened, validated, congratulated and tried to make her feel the way I always made her feel.

Then today happened.

Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 09/06/19 02:55 AM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2864251
09/06/19 03:04 AM
09/06/19 03:04 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
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HrtHsbnd Offline OP
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HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 157
Today was just a mess.

She was so sweet last night. She told me she wasnít going anywhere, but would let me know if she did. I told her I would do the same, but didnít because that wasnít giving her space.

Our son started practice today, so this was the first time weíve had to be together in public to work on coparenting. I felt it was awkward. As usual, she brought her mother. This was also the first time Iíd seen her mother in months. I spoke to her mother and tried to be nice, but got yelled at a couple of times. I was also told that I would NEVER get back in her parents heart. I took it because Iím trying to humble myself. I explained that this wasnít the time or place to get angry at me. She agreed and walked off.

My wife was cold and distant with me the entire time. When practice was over, I took my son to her car where she was there. I told her it was nice to see her and I tried to shake her hand. She absolutely refused and walked off. When I asked her why she wouldnít do that, she said because it was weird. I donít know why thatís weird.

We texted for about 20 mins after, as I was trying to understand why she wasnít so cold and distant with me. She just said because she was. I feel it Ďs all because she was around her parents and I donít know how to overcome that issue.

I know that this isnít DB well, but in MC we are supposed to be working on coparenting, trust, respect, communication, and empathy. Therapy is her idea and she always asks me to go with her. Now, she agrees itís more than coparenting and only says coparenting when she wants to argue.

One more thing, I spoke to my lawyer yesterday. He told me that she asked for an extension to the discovery documents I sent her. He said he agreed to the extension, but her lawyer said he needed to get my discovery documents out soon. I feel thatís another positive sign she doesnít want our marriage to end, but I donít know anymore.

Im trying to stay positive. Iím GALing like a madman. Iím living my own life. I am trying my best to be so patient. Iím just to my breaking point.

Is 6 months a long time to be patient? Are these ups and downs normal? Why do they happen? When is enough enough?!?

Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 09/06/19 03:12 AM.
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