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A Message from Michele
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Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861516
08/15/19 05:56 PM
08/15/19 05:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,973
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,973
H, I really do get that you want this to work and I see that you are really pinning a lot of hopes on MC to turn things around. But it WILL NOT WORK. We are all telling you this and your response is always the same "I hear you say XYZ, BUT..." In other words, you think you are an exception. You think your sitch is different. IT IS NOT. We are not trying to discourage you, we are trying to explain to you that you are on the wrong path to recon. Your recon is absolutely, positively not imminent and won't happen through MC (which even your own W told you she doesn't see as MC). Possible recon is WAY down the road. You've got to let go of the notion that some miracle is happening here. Just relax, step back, stop pursuing, let her go, focus on you. I would suggest you stop going to MC, but if you want to continue then have ZERO expectations. Quit apologizing, surely you've done enough of that. Just listen and validate (validating is NOT apologizing). Don't talk unless you have to, and if you have to, then be very brief.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861534
08/15/19 08:10 PM
08/15/19 08:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,632
L
LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,632
H,

Yes an alpha can be sorry, humble and apologize but if the woman is not willing to accept his apology he will move on and find a woman who will accept him for who he is and is willing to work on things when times get tough.

An alpha wouldnít stay with a woman who files for divorce because sheís mad. Thatís very immature.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: AnotherStander] #2861651
08/16/19 05:12 PM
08/16/19 05:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
I agree with you and I am trying to do everything Iíve been told by you guys. I do have expectations that MC is going to turn things around, but that it will just take time. I donít think my situation is any different, buthere are some exceptions. Also, Iím just trying not to hurt myself any further.

With that said, this feeling comes and goes, but I donít know how to deal with it. I would love some advice. Iím feeling that Iím sure if I want to continue on this path anymore. I know that I really do, but sometimes I just get this feeling that I donít care about it anymore. Maybe itís normal, but I donít want to have that feeling.

Any advice?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
H, I really do get that you want this to work and I see that you are really pinning a lot of hopes on MC to turn things around. But it WILL NOT WORK. We are all telling you this and your response is always the same "I hear you say XYZ, BUT..." In other words, you think you are an exception. You think your sitch is different. IT IS NOT. We are not trying to discourage you, we are trying to explain to you that you are on the wrong path to recon. Your recon is absolutely, positively not imminent and won't happen through MC (which even your own W told you she doesn't see as MC). Possible recon is WAY down the road. You've got to let go of the notion that some miracle is happening here. Just relax, step back, stop pursuing, let her go, focus on you. I would suggest you stop going to MC, but if you want to continue then have ZERO expectations. Quit apologizing, surely you've done enough of that. Just listen and validate (validating is NOT apologizing). Don't talk unless you have to, and if you have to, then be very brief.

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: LH19] #2861652
08/16/19 05:13 PM
08/16/19 05:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
Very good point and Iím almost there.

I feel she is very immature. Those that know my situation in real life also very much agree, too.

Originally Posted by LH19
H,

Yes an alpha can be sorry, humble and apologize but if the woman is not willing to accept his apology he will move on and find a woman who will accept him for who he is and is willing to work on things when times get tough.

An alpha wouldnít stay with a woman who files for divorce because sheís mad. Thatís very immature.

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861659
08/16/19 05:51 PM
08/16/19 05:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,632
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,632
Expectations are the number one enemy of the LBS.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: LH19] #2861689
08/16/19 10:10 PM
08/16/19 10:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
I am learning.

I would terry to read into everything and I wasnít on that emotional rollercoaster. When she had a good day, I had a good day. That was easy. When she had a bad day, I had a bad day. That was really hard.

Now, Iím trying not to care as much. But I donít know what that means. Does that mean that Iím falling out of love with her? Does that hurt whatís left of our relationship?

Iím just not sure, but would love to get an answer from you guys.

Originally Posted by LH19
Expectations are the number one enemy of the LBS.

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861694
08/16/19 11:02 PM
08/16/19 11:02 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,424
C
CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,424
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Now, Iím trying not to care as much. But I donít know what that means. Does that mean that Iím falling out of love with her?

A little bit! 6 months ago I loved her more than me. I now put me and my kids first. I still love her.

Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Does that hurt whatís left of our relationship?

This new "I love you" isn't hurting our reconciliation. Consider our partners already put themselves first! She gets after leaving me she needs to rebuild my trust. I get for what drove her away I need to rebuild her trust. Hopefully someday we'll each feel safe putting each other first again.

Last edited by CWarrior; 08/16/19 11:10 PM.

May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861695
08/16/19 11:13 PM
08/16/19 11:13 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,371
U
unchien Offline
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unchien  Offline
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U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,371
Keep in mind we advocate loving detachment here. The "loving" piece is often missing when we talk about detachment, which often leads to misinterpreting detachment as "not caring."

Loving detachment means adopting an empathic stance, while also not having your moods tethered to your spouse.

"Not caring" is perhaps a useful short-term strategy, but long-term the key to detachment is being more in touch with your own emotions and moods. Find your center. This may feel like not caring -- in actuality it is the most loving, caring thing you can do. Move your focus from your W's moods to your own moods.

You are asking questions about falling out of love, and whether this hurts your relationship. Those are outcome-focused questions, they carry expectations. Focus on the process. Let go of expectations.

Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: CWarrior] #2861708
08/17/19 01:58 AM
08/17/19 01:58 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
H
HrtHsbnd Offline OP
Member
HrtHsbnd  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
Good for you!

I just donít know that she even wants to reconcile. Iím 5.5 months in and while her attitude seems to be improving, she can be just as nasty as ever.

I truly donít know how much more I am willing to take. I feel like it would be easier st this point to just build a life with someone else, but itís not really what I want and I know itís not whatís best for my son.

She said divorce again today when she was upset with me and said that Iím just moving it further along. All I did was let her know it wasnít healthy for her parents to undermine my parenting our son.

But what does just giving up and walking away look like?

Iím truly just tired of the stress and aggravation of it, but I guess thatís where loving detachment comes into play. This is the hardest thing Iíve ever had to do and I buried my mom at 18 and raised my brother since.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Now, Iím trying not to care as much. But I donít know what that means. Does that mean that Iím falling out of love with her?

A little bit! 6 months ago I loved her more than me. I now put me and my kids first. I still love her.

Originally Posted by "HrtHsbnd"
Does that hurt whatís left of our relationship?

This new "I love you" isn't hurting our reconciliation. Consider our partners already put themselves first! She gets after leaving me she needs to rebuild my trust. I get for what drove her away I need to rebuild her trust. Hopefully someday we'll each feel safe putting each other first again.


Last edited by HrtHsbnd; 08/17/19 02:00 AM.
Re: How To Treat Spouse With Children 2 [Re: HrtHsbnd] #2861724
08/17/19 12:59 PM
08/17/19 12:59 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,632
L
LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,632
H,

This is what they do. You stick up for yourself and you are correct her parents shouldnít undermine your parenting and they donít like it (but respect it) and throw out the D were to try to get you to fall in line.

My sitch lasted about 3.5 years and was a painful mfer. The thing is I am 1,000 stronger today.

Just start building your own life. What would that look like?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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