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A Message from Michele
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Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2860971
08/11/19 02:32 PM
08/11/19 02:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,742
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Good Morning DV

Good luck with the outreach counselling program director position. It sounds like a wonderful fit for you.

You and Jack also seem to be a wonderful fit to each otherís lives. The last post was much freer and forward looking, if that makes any sense. I believe that is the first time youíve actually typed ďI really do love himĒ. It is also wonderful (wow three ďwonderfulĒs in one post, Iím going to need to get a thesaurus) to see you talking about you and Jack, We, and Us, being blessed and going forward.

Word choice aside, it is the underling feeling that you conveyed. I am very happy for you. And I am glad youíre passed your age hang-up / concern / fear.

Have a wonderful weekend. (Oh four of them)

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2861183
08/13/19 04:03 AM
08/13/19 04:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,241
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Thanks DnJ. Iím taking the career opportunity with a grain of salt. I have not yet heard about it and even though I know my friend will likely be part of the hiring committee, it is government so it is all about interview scores and has very little to do with who they think might be the best person for the job. I will likely apply when/if I see the posting but Iím not going to get my hopes up too high. I think it would be a nice challenge though.

Jack stayed the whole weekend and left this morning. We went out for breakfast yesterday and had a really good talk. I told him that I think he protects himself from me a little bit...like he expects that I will break up with him at some point. I also talked with him about always being silly and goofy which is fun but made me wonder if he also has a serious side and it would be nice to see that once in awhile. Well...turns out the last relationship he was in, the girl broke up with him for someone she talked about on Facebook as being super fun and full of life. So...Jack is worried that if he is serious, I might do the same thing.

I also asked him if his family knows about me as Iíve not met any of them. He says they all basically know my name, that I live an hour away from him and what I do for a living but not a whole lot more. He says he wants me to meet them when they are getting along better as there is currently some friction there apparently. I donít want to get in the middle of that but I did say to him that the only thing worse than parents annoying you is when they arenít around to do it. He got the point. smile When my mom passed away, I found a folder with a bunch of newspaper clippings with my name on it. The articles were all about parenting. She always had a way of making me feel like I wasnít the best mom but I know she didnít think that. She just worried about me and her grandchildren and she knew she wasnít going to be around for long so it was her way of trying to give me advice from beyond the grave. I appreciate the effort she made. I miss her and my dad every day but am not sad they were not around to see my kidsí dad treat me so terribly. Iím also pretty sure she would disapprove of my current relationship due to the age difference and the other differences between us.

Saw my XH (I think I will call him this even though I donít know for sure that our divorce is final yet) today. I came home to get my migraine medication and he was in my driveway taking some stuff out of the garage. We chatted for a few minutes like a couple of acquaintances. He told me everything he was doing to get all of his stuff out of my house and garage. It is weird...but he still reports things to me when I see him like he needs me to approve or something. Our marriage was like that too. He made me the boss and then resented me for it. Anyway...I was happy to see some things finally start to go as he is way past the deadline he gave himself. Again...seeing him...I was glad that I am still feeling quite detached. Have I completely gotten over it? Iím not sure I ever will TBH. He made a lot of unilateral decisions that changed my life and the lives of our children and it was not what any of us wanted. BUT... I have gotten over him and I think there is a difference between the two.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2861447
08/15/19 03:40 AM
08/15/19 03:40 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,241
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Journaling...

Had a few moments of sadness today. Hadnít had that in a long time. My XH texted me at around dinner to get the kids to go out on the deck to watch the Snowbirds (Cdn version of the Blue Angels for my Am friends). He texted my S11 that he was out on the boat watching. So the kids and I and his mom watched from the deck and he was out on the boat with OW. If we were still together, we would have all been out in the boat enjoying it as a family. But...thatís never going to happen again...our kids will only get to experience things with one of us and never both of us together. It made me sad...thinking about the things we have lost in all this. I wonder if he ever thinks about that or if he is just oblivious to all of that. My guess is the latter. He threw it all away so clearly it has no real value to him. Hence the sad feelings. Anyway...it was a melancholy few moments... I am back to normal now. Continuing to move forward...:)


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2861454
08/15/19 09:43 AM
08/15/19 09:43 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,935
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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{{{{{DejaVu}}}}}

I've had the same thoughts and feelings, wondering if exh has thought at all about what he threw away and what it will be like for our son moving forward. I'm glad those feelings surfaced and passed for you xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2861676
08/16/19 08:16 PM
08/16/19 08:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,947
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neffer Offline
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Őtīs about living the real life girls...you are there and you know that.

Hugs for both of you!

(((DjV))) (((bttrfly)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2861866
08/19/19 04:15 AM
08/19/19 04:15 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,241
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks Bttrfly & Neffer. It feels good to be living the real life. I am happier than Iíve been in a long time. But there are still days when I do miss being a family...when my H was still a part of it and not the ghost he was for the last five years of it. Still...we did love each other once. I am grateful for the experience and for all of the blessings my marriage brought me despite how it ended. At the end of the day, I hope he is too.

Journaling a bit... Day 2 of my 15 days off. Yesterday was great. The kids are at their dadís until Wednesday so Jack is spending some of that time with me. He and I went out to the lake to hang out with my sister, BIL and friends. We didnít get out on the boat until late as it took awhile for the clouds to burn off but we still got a decent amount of time on it so it didnít disappoint. We decided not to stay out there so returned to my house late last night and have had a lazy morning. Jack is napping as Iím typing this.

Starting to think more and more about the end of the summer coming and Jack going back to work. I have no doubt he will find something, just not sure where that will be and if it will result in him living closer to me or further away. I really do have very strong feelings for him... I just feel myself holding back a bit until he is back working and I have a better idea of the viability of our relationship long term. Still not sure exactly what I want from it or conversely, what I am able to give to it and Iím not sure where he is at either. I am so hardwired to want to know this stuff...lol. Really fighting against my programming trying to just stay in the here and now. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2862282
08/21/19 06:34 PM
08/21/19 06:34 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,241
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Iíve decided Iím not a huge fan of long distance relationships. They feel so all or nothing. Either you are around each other 24/7 or you are not around each other at all. It is hard to stay balanced in a lot of ways the way one would if you were in the same town and seeing each other a few hours at a time. Jack came over Friday night and stayed until Tuesday morning. As usual, we had a great time together but now heís gone back home and communication between us is limited to the odd text about nothing in particular. I find myself thinking about the viability of our relationship long term and whether or not I am just setting myself up to get my heart broken. We are so different and the rational part of my mind is on overdrive when he is not around. When weíre together, I donít think about our differences much at all although nagging doubts are starting to creep in.

Reading about Gingerís sitch with M has heightened my awareness around relationship dynamics and I see myself in her and Jack in M. Jack isnít nearly as rigid about how he spends his time but he is a self-professed ďlonerĒ who seems to not need much of anyone or anything when he is on his own. He swims and writes music and records basically. I am pretty opposite to that. Iíve come to appreciate alone time much more than I ever have but I still prefer the company of others to my own if given a choice 90% of the time. The concept of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole has crossed my mind more than once.... as has the concept of borrowing trouble when, objectively, there isnít any. Iím worried that Iím a lot more needy than I like to think I am and that I have more work to do in that department. Seems like work that is never done...lol.

On a positive note. My kids came back from their dadís yesterday and are with me until Friday. Iíve got some activities planned if the weather cooperates. Today is rainy though so kids are happy to stay indoors and just hang out with friends. Sigh...teenage years are just around the corner...

Anyway....just my musings for the day. I have a nail appointment and then need to spend some quality time with my babies. (((HUGS))) to all. xo


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2862291
08/21/19 07:04 PM
08/21/19 07:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,101
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kml Offline
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,101
Quote
he is a self-professed ďlonerĒ who seems to not need much of anyone or anything when he is on his own. He swims and writes music and records basically. I am pretty opposite to that. Iíve come to appreciate alone time much more than I ever have but I still prefer the company of others to my own if given a choice 90% of the time.


Sounds less like a neediness issue and more like and introvert/extrovert issue. And introvert and an extrovert can get along fine so long as they understand each others needs and the extrovert gets their people needs met elsewhere. Introverts recharge by being alone and extroverts recharge by being with people.

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2862375
08/22/19 06:16 AM
08/22/19 06:16 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,241
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,241
That is definitely a big difference between us for sure. It is hard for us non-loners to understand sometimes but I do get it on an intellectual level and I am learning not to take it personally.

An old roommate of mine texted me tonight. I had seen his profile on Tinder a few months ago and swiped right for a joke. He contacted me the week of my first date with Jack and we chatted for a bit on messenger. He is married but he and his wife are basically roommates and are staying together until the kids leave home and then parting ways. They live in an expensive area so cannot afford to divorce currently. She cheated on him years ago and told him he can do what he wants. That sounds worse to me than being left. Living in limbo for years. Ugh. No thanks.

Anyway...he is coming to town to visit his parents and wants to get together for coffee or a drink. I opted for coffee on Friday afternoon. Jack will probably be over in the evening anyway and I didnít want to meet my friend in the evening anyway. Our conversation on messenger got a bit weird... he started talking about sex out of the blue and how he thinks people make too big of a deal of it, etc... Sounded like he was making an argument for casual sex between friends...lol. I just ignored it and changed the subject. Iíve known him since the tenth grade. He is like a brother to me so there is NO WAY I would ever go down that road with him...lol. Anyway...daytime coffee seemed the safest option...lol. I just have to work in that I have a boyfriend pretty early into the conversation and all will be okay. smile

Heading to Bellingham on Sunday with my sister for a couple of days for another two-night complimentary hotel stay. Looking forward to getting away. We always have a good time. laugh


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: No Longer Down, Definitely Not Out Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2862682
08/24/19 08:36 PM
08/24/19 08:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 479
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Yail Offline
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Yail  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 479
Hey DV,

So, reading about your friend - yeah - he's hinting at something casual. Which is cool if both people are interested, and I don't think he realizes your not. You've definitely got to let him know about Jack ASAP.

I think you might not want to ignore this so you two don't have any awkward misunderstandings. I mean, if he's clear about his intent that's cool and no shame to him. But you're not on board, so I don't think a bit of clear communication would hurt here. Especially since you reconnected on Tinder.

Anyway, not a huge thing but wanted to say "hey" and give that little thought. Hope you're well smile

I like your thoughts on long distance relationships, and would be interested if you ruminated on that thought some more. I think you're on to something that is key to what you want in life, and should explore it more.

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