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A Message from Michele
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Clearly havenít figured it out #2861662
08/16/19 06:05 PM
08/16/19 06:05 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Previous Thread:

Still figuring things out

Sigh. My heart hurts but my head know this is the right thing.

Our relationship was lacking because he never took the time to know me and it was all about him.

But Iím mourning. The loss of a potential family. His son who I dearly loved. And the person I thought M might be.

Last edited by job; 08/16/19 06:52 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861666
08/16/19 06:39 PM
08/16/19 06:39 PM
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It's ok G your heart will catch up with your head very quickly. I would also not be surprised if he tries to make contact again at some point. I know you are done but I wouldn't be shocked. Dudes are idiots sometimes. Well, a lot of times.

Get back in the gym, get your mojo back, determine what you want and what you won't tolerate and keep moving. TBH you should not have to settle or accept scraps.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861668
08/16/19 07:15 PM
08/16/19 07:15 PM
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Hey G....

You and I have talked a bit about this already...

I think that you have known this for quite a while now. I think that in the back of your mind, you sensed this was coming.

Anytime that you have to advocate as hard as you have, just to be heard ?

Typically isn't a good sign, especially within the first year of a serious relationship.

And I think that you have let your fears paint yourself into a corner with him. Like, OMG, what if I never find anyone that sends me a good morning text ever again ?

What is I never find that one guy to give me what I need, and crave, and snuggle up to ?

And that fear has allowed you to* CHOOSE* to overlook some serious "red flags" flyin over this guys tee-pee. Hoping that one day, that switch would flip for him.

And not totally on you for this, he did make some nice gestures, usually last minute and just enough to save his @ss when he knew he had cover his words with actions.

Nonetheless...

This is gonna sting for a while, no doubt. Yet rarely is there bad without a lesson in life. Something to move you forward from the spot that you were in last year.

A couple years ago, you weren't even in a spot to notice what was happening, and now you saw it, you chose something different. As crappy as that sounds, it is progress....

So, back to what I said earlier. I do think that you saw this, and sensed it even more. And you still made the conscious decision to give it more time, To find out where this was going so that you could have zero regrets. I do feel that if you would have ended this back when you saw flags, you would have always wondered "what if?" with this guy.

And now, you can walk away knowing that you rode that horse until he bucked you. I do feel that understanding that part of it, will help you heal quicker, and move on with a much greater ease within yourself.

Take all of this within yourself. Feel it, and take a step forward today.

Maybe this is a good time to get back to DB basics for yourself. Take inventory of your skills, and hone your template of what you want, and need in a relationship, so that IF this were to come up again, you know where you stand on certain issues.

You know how I feel about him. This guy is emotionally still a child, playing childish games for whatever reason.

So go easy on yourself with this...

Back up and punt for now, but the game will go on down the road for you.

You know where I am , how to reach either me or K...

And our deck is always open for a weekend road trip....

Last edited by job; 08/16/19 09:22 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861680
08/16/19 08:41 PM
08/16/19 08:41 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Itís funny how I can see all of this in retrospect. And I lie to myself during it. A bad pattern I repeat. Everyone here, IRL has said he wasnít giving enough to you and just kind of showed up when I said something to cover his . That is so right. And I absolutely would have regret giving up early on. I did need to see this through. And I am an adult who knows our kids are involved now and we work with each other. I couldnít imagine walking away easily with all we put into it. Him, he was fine with it. But I hate how I finally see when a guy dumps me how it wasnít working for a while and I just keep going through the same cycle and I need to end it. All my Rís Iíve known something early on was off. Even when they showed all this interest, I knew. I keep ignoring myself and not trusting myself and think it was me.

Mach, you know I had my doubts and I told you what I saw. And all you are saying is true.

He emotionally is a child. Self-absorbed and reckless with otherís feelings.

He wonít try to contact me. They never do. And even if he did , Iíve blocked him all around and the only way he could get to me in email or my house. And he wonít. His type disconnects and walks away. Heís done heís done type. But he may kick himself in the arse when he is in another R and he realizes Ginger was the best thing that ever happened to him, lol. I also think his mom is going to smack him upside the back fo the head. Like literally.

Iím going to lick my wounds. Iím going to better myself and work so hard on this self worth of mine. I wonít change the way I love, but only the person who loves me same way is who gets it from now on. I have to stop the self doubt. And honor myself. Iím going to work so hard on that.

I spent the day at the mall with D11 and friends and held it together ok. I am skipping the birthday dinner because I canít eat and my stomach is upset. My cousin understands. She hates him right now and hopes he rots in h3ll.

My tribe is just so awesome. On here and IRL. They rally around me. Lift me up.they know Iím a good person and what he did was crappy and how he did and with the sudden change. I really hate that give me a bunch of I love youíd, make future plans that indicate long term and then dump me a few days later. But I know what kind of person he is now and heís not for me.

Nonetheless I had a lot of love for him and truly believed he had a lot of love for me. He had love to give me on his level only. You are all right about that.

Iíll be ok. Iíll stay strong. There has been no contact. And I took the plunge and erased all the texts . A year of them with pictures, gone. I took myself off social media for a while. My account is there but I deleted the icons. I just canít everyone elseís happiness in relationships right now. Sounds dumb, but I canít. Iím going to my best to make sure I donít sink into a big depression. Because it has happened before and I canít go back there.

It was his loss. He lost a wonderful loving woman and partner who loved his child. It is truly a big loss for HIM

Last edited by job; 08/16/19 09:24 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861683
08/16/19 08:59 PM
08/16/19 08:59 PM
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kml Offline
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Yeah he's an idiot. But he just wasn't up to your caliber.

I'm sending you a virtual margarita tonight.

Watch a funny movie (Superbad never fails me). Play some songs by Lizzo.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861701
08/17/19 12:06 AM
08/17/19 12:06 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Tha is:) I could use a margarita or 4, Iím doing much better. Less crying . Iím sure Iíll have triggers. But Iím happy I blocked him all around. I donít need to talk to him anything .

Iím thinking Sunday when he was kayaking with his buddy he expressed his concerns to him and they probably had a guy talk and he decided it was over. Thatís when he flipped the switch. Iím sure he was having some thoughts. But he never expressed them to me. Heís a man child who really has to grow up. And Iím sure heíll be right back on the dating sites and probably has his eye on some already . he never got to do the work. He spent his time fighting for his. I donít think he ever got a chance to properly grieve the loss of his marriage and partner. He never talked about that part. Only about his battle for his son. I remember trying to pull it out of him on the way up to killington. He didnít talk about it. Only about losing his house and his son.

Tonight Iím just staying in. My friend offered to do anything I wanted, but I think I need to be alone. There was an incredible sunset tonight with a big glowing sun. Something about it gave me hope. Iím really sad about his son. That is hitting me hard. I always wanted a little boy and we were special together. Before every movie night we would dog big holes in the sand. And when his dad was cleaning up I would push him on the swings. We had a pickle juice joke where he would shake my pickle juice up before we did something big like when it was my turn to bowl. He chose me to go on rides with him at carnivals. He did chose me a lot like that time he wanted to sit next to me on the couch so he could put his head on my shoulder.Nothing will ever take away from that beautiful moment when he said I could be his bonus mom and D11 could be his bonus sister and he ran and gave me a big hug. It was beautiful and nothing like I ever imagined. There are no words for that moment. But truth is, M wouldnít let me into his life like that. Two weekends ago when the 3 of us went kayaking, his son was by the shore trying to catch fish with a net. He was going after one and a school swam up. I told him ďlook, there is a while school over hereĒ M says ďstop! Let him go for the one he is looking for and give him help only if he asks!Ē My back was to him and I threw my hands up in surrender. 5 seconds later, his son says ď Gineen, your Job is to help me find the fish!Ē I would have never had that role in his life. I would have always been told how to be with him. Maybe he knew we were going to really bond. And he wasnít sure about me. But every word indicated he was sure about me. He had chances to let me go when I asked for more time or for his son to know who I was. He chose not to for whatever reason. In our last argument on his birthday he did say ďIím not sure Iíll be able to satisfy youĒ

He couldnít give and that was that. Was it that he couldnít give to me? Or he canít give to anyone? I will never know. But I think itís the latter.

This journaling helps, so thanks for letting me do it. I hope I can find a great connection with someone elseís kids one day and that guy also has the same connection with me.

At least I do know that when me and new guy broke up, one thing he will never deny was the connection. We had that soulmate kind of thing going. But everything else was wrong. And I remember how I grieved his daughter and she grieved me. But I think he might even say to this day although he is engaged, that I was the one he connected with on that level. So not all of them felt like something was missing. One day Iíll get all the pieces right eight and stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Because as flexible as I can be, it doesnít work

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861719
08/17/19 11:16 AM
08/17/19 11:16 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Because the journaling is helping me immensely......

I am eerily ok. No crying since yesterday morning. Iím sure itís going to come and smack me out of no where, but for now Iím fine. Iím not missing him so much. The good morning texts? Not missing them. Iím not missing his presence yet, probably because he wasnít being so present anyways.

Like everyone in a break up does, I do find myself going in circles with the things he said: did. He sent me a meme one morning a few months ago. It said a few things about actions and one parent was ďif you love someone, tell themĒ with an ďI LOVE YOU!Ē His spoken game was good. His words would have left you thinking you were truly loved and cherished. Right before we left for his trip we were holding each other in bed and he said ďhow did I get so lucky?Ē?, Iím so happyĒ words truly disnt match his actions. When he was his trip ( he may have been drinking) he sent me a picture of a sunset and he said ď come drive up , I want to watch this with you , I miss youĒ he said we will have plenty of sunsets together. Then he was talking about his day trip to Quebec he had while he was there and he said ďI found myself wishing you were there, I knew I would have made you laugh with my commentary of sight seeingĒ he also said I canít wait for the trips we will have together. I mean WTF????? Then all of a sudden something is lacking and you dump me out of the blue.

As I was thinking about this, some things came to light. He couldnít give to me. He couldnít handle my level. I think he felt like he wasnít enough for me. He said to me ď I want you to be happy, and Iím sorry that I canít be the person to do itĒ his sudden change towards me came when I told him how I felt when he blew me off when I was expressing some stress in my life. The night before I said something to him about him ignoring me when I was trying to confide he initiated the ďI love you baby! And he was mostly normal that Monday. After I expressed myself Tuesday he completely shut down and then broke up with me. I am putting all of this together and my conclusion is he knew he couldnít step up and be the partner I needed. He couldnít say as much, just that something was lacking and that I deserve to be happy and he couldnít be the one who made me happy. I think he sensed my discontent and instead of meeting my needs he just bailed.

His words expressed his love towards me. Sometimes his actions did. But he couldnít give me anymore than that. Not because he didnít love me enough. Or something was lacking or missing between us. Because he would always talk of his great love and our amazing connection with me. When we had our argument about spending time together when he was going away and he blew me off for that, he said ď I just took you on our family vacation and it was so awesome, if that isnít enough, I am not sure I will be able to satisfy you.

I think he felt he couldnít satisfy me or make me happy. Thatís what was lacking. And I will tell you now, I donít regret for asking for more and feel like I was asking for too much. Because I wasnít. I was asking for some normal things. But he isnjust so stuck in his own little world, he canít give it. And if he canít give that to me , then we should not be together. I absolutely agree.

But it wasnít me. Wasnít our lack of love or connection . He wanted to introduce me to his son. He knew we would love each other. He just didnít know if he could commit to someone like me the way he should.

Heís going to regret this. I will never know about it, but he is going to regret this. He is going to miss me. I was too good for him. He knew it. And it is truly his loss. Not so much mine. I lost the family and that hurts like heck, because the 4 of us together were a beautiful blended family. That part couldnít have gone much better. But he would have continued to be inattentive towards me only taking what I was giving.

I know he is feeling it right now. I am too, but I do know this is best. I will not deny my love for him. It was real, true powerful, and I loved him more than my ex. And I believe his love was real and true for me, and it scared him. And he ran.

And I canít have anymore runners in my life. I need a man.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861720
08/17/19 12:10 PM
08/17/19 12:10 PM
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..... and the amazing part of this time around in break up land.... I have no desire to convince him he had the wrong decision, that I am worth it and he should be with me. I always had that urge and have even done so in the past.

I donít want to do it this time. Because I know my value. I am so worth it. He doesnít need to hear it from me. And I think he knows it. He just canít do it. And no amount of love can make some donit if they arenít capable yet.

It has to be this way. Heís right about that.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861722
08/17/19 12:26 PM
08/17/19 12:26 PM
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Stay strong G, and you are right he will. He is not capable at this time and I think he really tried. That said I dont think he was right for you anyway


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861727
08/17/19 01:22 PM
08/17/19 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
But it wasnít me. Wasnít our lack of love or connection . He wanted to introduce me to his son. He knew we would love each other. He just didnít know if he could commit to someone like me the way he should.

Heís going to regret this. I will never know about it, but he is going to regret this. He is going to miss me. I was too good for him. He knew it. And it is truly his loss. Not so much mine. I lost the family and that hurts like heck, because the 4 of us together were a beautiful blended family. That part couldnít have gone much better. But he would have continued to be inattentive towards me only taking what I was giving.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
..... and the amazing part of this time around in break up land.... I have no desire to convince him he had the wrong decision, that I am worth it and he should be with me. I always had that urge and have even done so in the past.

I donít want to do it this time. Because I know my value. I am so worth it. He doesnít need to hear it from me. And I think he knows it. He just canít do it. And no amount of love can make some donit if they arenít capable yet.

It has to be this way. Heís right about that.
I could sing this exact same song. Thanks Ginger. We're going to be OK.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861731
08/17/19 01:32 PM
08/17/19 01:32 PM
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uRworthy Offline
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Hey Mach!!! Love what you wrote as always.

G, my sweet friend. I love you and your big heart and I am so sorry it is hurting right now.

So often I wanted to write to you to tell you what I saw...but you needed to see it for yourself or it wouldn't matter.

You should not have to feel anything but cherished when you are loved. You shouldn't have to worry and wonder about whether you should have said or done something . You shouldn't have to want someone to want to be with you.

The reason you shouldn't is because of who you are.

I think M loved you as best he could. But it simply wasn't enough for you. As that is ok. To want something more...something deeper...something more real.

I saw pretty early on that he had issues. But I know you...you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I am going to say this...until you truly know, in the deepest part of your heart and head and soul, how worthy you are...this is going to keep happening.

Because when you truly know that...you will not accept whatever anyone offers.

I see you analyzing what he said and did and are trying to find answers. It's ok for a little while. But the truth is that it doesnt really matter why he did it. It didnt have anything to do with you. Not really.

So be careful not to take on his stuff. That's all his.

And use this as a way to look deeper inside, G.

Because you go all in...and that is ok...if the other person deserves that. He clearly didnt.

Be good with you. That's the key here. And I mean really good. We people pleasers need to find a way to take care of us, too. We matter.

I know you will be ok. And I know in time you will really believe the words you wrote.

It's the only way forward, sweetie.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861737
08/17/19 02:19 PM
08/17/19 02:19 PM
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^^ yes, Andrew and Ginger you are both going to be ok. better than ok. You're already ok. You're going to be fabulous xoxox even more so than you already are.

xoxoxoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861739
08/17/19 02:21 PM
08/17/19 02:21 PM
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what URWorthy said. Amen to that. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861745
08/17/19 03:05 PM
08/17/19 03:05 PM
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Posts: 1,852
Right where I need to be
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Right where I need to be
Ginger,

I'm so sorry things ended, I know you were really hoping he would be a long term R. As others have said, this is really about him and not you. Like Don. I think I'm likely similar to M in a sense, I'm just not dating now so I dont run into these situations. My kids, work and school are the priority for now and I dont see me making room for anyone else anytime soon. I know many here seem to be attacking him but I'd play devils advocate and point out another really important point, he said from the beginning he wasnt ready for a full R and tried to see where things went. The truth was he wasnt, he said as much. Sometimes we just have to listen to what people say and not what we want to hear. He definitely made some bad choices going along though.

I don't think M was ready for a committed relationship, I think he tried but hes not in the same place you are wheres hes capable. I dont think he set out to intentionally hurt you nor do I think he didnt love you, hes just ready for something that's long lasting. I think where me and him differ would be on how we use the term "I love you" and introducing kids i do think he had the feelings of love for you and bonded with you. To me those words have a very different meaning than when I was with my Ex, I really see them as something that happens long after the feeling of love has began and where it become a choice of I'm choosing a person for a much longer period. I wouldnt introduce kids until I hit that point, which I know wouldn't happen for alone a year. Hes had he feelings of love but due to his situation hes not able to choose the long term yet. I think on some level you knew that but hoped differently. I can see why you would feel duped but I dont think that was his intention, I think things just fell together with you two, he had the feelings of love develop and he worked to try to get to that long last place of choosing because he really doesnt know any better. At some point realized he cant (which had nothing to do with you). I dont see it being another woman either.

In any event, I'm sorry you're feeling this pain, I'd hope you can look at what you two and and keep the positives in mind and try not to let the negatives overshadow it all.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861748
08/17/19 03:14 PM
08/17/19 03:14 PM
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kml Offline
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Again I ask - did he show any signs of Aspergers? You weren't asking for anything huge, just clueing him in that you needed his support when you asked for it the previous day. Actually, even an Aspie would have probably responded positively to such a direct request.

You didn't ask for too much nor did you do it in such a way that should have scared any normal person off. He's got some kind of issue with intimacy and although he could do a really good imitation for short periods of time, he couldn't sustain it.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861753
08/17/19 03:28 PM
08/17/19 03:28 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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KML, to answer your question.... no. No sign of aspergers. I always said his brain was interesting though. The way he thinks is ..... I canít explain. It was intriguing though. He is very analytical but is emotionally intelligent. But I do think his divorce damaged him. He never worked through the actual feelings of his wife leaving him and leaving the way he did. He never spoke of those feelings. Only how he felt about his son. He lives by anticipating her next psycho move and is always prepared. I donít think he ever properly grieved the loss of his wif. I tried to get him to talk about it but it always circled back to the technical battle part of it.

I think a part of the fall of his M was his inability to be truly intimate. And I asked him Sunday when he was showing me pics of his house he built why he bought it in the time his wife was pregnant. Itís a stressful time to take on such a huge project. He argued of course he wanted a good place to live for his son.... of course.... but Iím sure his wife was non-existent to him when he was working day and night building his house. He gets hyper focused on projects and always keeps busy with something . Just like he has to always keep his kid busy and burnt out doing something.he doesnít let his kid just sit with himself. And when heís not........heís pretty darn high on pot. I am pro marijauana. Recreational and medical. But he is pretty much high majority of the time. He is very educated on it, but he likes to be high all the time. He chooses his vacation spots to pass through somewhere pot legal. I think it might be his way of truly sitting with everything thatís happened. Heís a very functional adult, but I think it helps him to avoid the super painful stuff. He drinks some beer, but doesnít touch hard liquor or get drunk because his dad was an alcoholic.

He lives with a woman before his ex too. Never got details on it. Obviously, it ended.

Heís holding back. Heís got a lot inside. I think heís scared to deal with it or show it.

Thatís only my guess. I can speculate all day long. But this is what I saw.

Iím getting to your post IR... because wow

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861755
08/17/19 03:46 PM
08/17/19 03:46 PM
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UR.... as per usual, you nailed it and got down to the core. I need to believe what I say. And I think I am moving this the process a lot faster this time is because Iím believing it. I knew it all along, but I allowed him to make me think I might be too much. There was the angel on my shoulder telling me that I am not asking for much and that I shouldnít need to ask what I was asking for. The devil on my shoulder said ďyou are being too much, be happy with what you get!Ē

But I really think I know it . I keep reading my post over and over truly believing it. And I need to remember the next time Iím in an R and it isnít working for me. I need to not let my self doubt creep in.

And yeah. I could speculate all day as to why he did this. And it could be as simple as I wasnít the one and he just didnít feel it.

It doesnít matter why. It matters ithat itís over, Iím moving on and it was HIM, not me.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861767
08/17/19 06:45 PM
08/17/19 06:45 PM
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Wow, just so, so, so many good posts here. Seems like the good ole days again - sorry it's come about after your breakup Ginger. You do sound very good - I have to say. Perhaps that tells you something right there.

As I said both publicly here and privately to you, I do see parts of me within M. However, one aspect that clearly is not me is the things he said and did. I have nearly always taken huge steps to not lead someone on - likely to my peril as no doubt they may have lost interest or had more reason to move on due to my honesty. But I would never have given all of the ILY's and bonus mom and such if I was feeling as M evidently was. What is up with that? That's even more perplexing but sadly I've seen it so many times before - including first hand. People make these grand statements of ILY forever and future and how lucky only to turn it on a dime. How can you trust people - well for me, and granted I'm over 15 years ahead of you, I often don't trust.

Andrew posted that there are a lot of parallels and similarities between the two of you and what happened. At first I didn't see it, but I'm very much starting to. What I see first and foremost is how, now, now after both of you had the other person abruptly break up, now is when many here started to speak truthfully. Why is that? Why did it take the other person leaving? Clearly it's much easier to see things in hindsight. It's much easier to see now that Google or Microsoft or Apple were going to be huge stocks but difficult before they actually were. Same with crashes in the market. It's so easy now to look back and see the tech bubble of 2000 but few saw it then. After the fact we all said we should have gotten out sooner. Is that what happened here? Or did many of us have feelings, gut or otherwise, that both M and B were not the right fit but we didn't want to rain on Ginger or Andrews parade? If not, why not say it sooner? If many of us thought this all along, why did we keep quiet? That's not what this place is for. That said, another similarity and one pointed out by a few already is both Andrew and Ginger didn't really want to hear it or would not believe it or would have excuses for it if we did say anything. I think that's human nature. But another piece to things.

In your case Ginger I think you want it so badly that you in part talked yourself into it. It was far too painful to think that the guy you thought was a better R than any other in your life was really not. I mean who wants to think that? And you thought if you just gave him time he'd come around. Thing is, at least with me, that would be the case. I do come around in time. I even moved the line with Wild Girl. It just takes me much longer than the typical person. So your thoughts of waiting are not unfounded.

On another topic:

Originally Posted by Ginger1
........heís pretty darn high on pot. I am pro marijuana. Recreational and medical. But he is pretty much high majority of the time. He is very educated on it, but he likes to be high all the time. He chooses his vacation spots to pass through somewhere pot legal.


I think this is a big red flag and also may be somewhat telling. What is he escaping? He's clearly self-medicating for something. Often daily pot smokers are not motivated at all, that's not the case with M, making me wonder if he's not ADHD, has huge anxiety or something that he needs to self medicate to calm down and "feel normal." There is also a strong correlation to drug use and not being social. It's a very common sign when people pull away from friends and family they may be doing it to be alone with their drugs. He can't really do that on a date or places with his kid. He's getting away from you to be with his drug. Trust me, I did this ALL THE TIME and from EVERYONE.

Some of you here know I have a huge, personal understanding about drug use. I'm not at all against medical marijuana. Just as I'm not against morphine, or percocet or whatever opiate/opioid but we also see where over-use and daily use of that has taken our world. Thankfully pot doesn't not cause 150 deaths a day but it can be very damaging. Recreational use is one thing but regardless of the drug, drinking a six or 12 pack or bottle of wine a day is not recreational. Smoking pot and being "high all the time" is not recreational. As a medical professional Ginger I urge you to re-think this. I have no doubt most of your thoughts come from your parents and upbringing. It's again normal and natural to believe that what we grew up with and our parents did/do is normal, right and healthy. That's not always the case. While I'm far less pro recreational than I am medical - true medical need - I also don't think smoking once or twice a week and for sure a month, is going to be damaging. But there is no way you are going to convince me and many others in the know that daily drug use including pot use, in the absence of a true medical need and for years on end is healthy. It's simply not. I have no doubt, none, zero, that M's drug use is part of what's going on with him. It's part of this picture. He's trying to escape something he's not willing to face.

Beyond all though I envy how well you are taking this - at least from what I can see from many states away. I think you are handling this extremely well - better than I would, I'm sure. And you are already learning from it. Wow, I'm in awe! I hope this lasts for you. Yes, it would have been better to figure it out six months ago, but really, you still had some great times and it's not like you lost time with some other guy or something or chose M over another guy. Six months is a very, very reasonable time to try someone out - and a year is not that far off. The real "sin" would have been doing this and feeling the way you have been for years. However, that too is another simultaneity with you and Andrew - had M and B not broken things up, you'd both be head over heals and continuing on the paths that you now see were lined with weeds and poison ivy on the way to a dead end. Still, I think you have come so far from only a few years ago. I hope you are proud of who you are Ginger! I know many of us here are.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861771
08/17/19 09:59 PM
08/17/19 09:59 PM
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uRworthy Offline
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Hi Don... very interesting post.

I do want say something.. I know G in RL. I think you do, too, right?

And knowing her as I do, I knew that my saying something before this would not have made a difference.
Not because she doesnt respect me, because I know she does. But because G has a very strong mindset. She was just not in place to be able to hear what I had to say. Not this time.

I felt strongly that she had to figure this out for herself. That if she didnt, she would doubt herself and spin and wonder what she did wrong.

She wanted to do something different this time and she did in a lot of ways. I felt it was important for her to walk this in a different way, too.

G, you know how we all feel about you. You are truly lucky to have such an amazing tribe both here and IRL. Speaks
volumes about who you are.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861774
08/17/19 10:24 PM
08/17/19 10:24 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Fogg...... I didnít see your post! Thanks for stopping by and I think you are absolutely right. I think he tried. Saying the right things was his way of fooling himself. And commitment sounded ideal for him. Just the other night he said he wouldnít do a coffee date because that shows fear of commitment. But commitment is on his terms. He canít go that far. I donít blame him totally. I feel kind of bad that I was the one he had to realize this with. He dated 3 women before me and none were as serious.i did believe that he wanted to serious with me. Every card he got me she wrote ďI canít wait to spend many more birthdays with youĒ he told me he was in it for the long run. You donít say that unless you mean it.

Don- thank you. I am handling this surprisingly well. I am kind of shocked, actually. The only time the tears start coming is when I think about his son. God, I loved that little boy. And he loved me. And when he comes home from vacation I know heís going to ask about me and my daughter. And Iím scared what he will say. And my heart breaks I canít say goodbye and Iím sorry. It is breaking my heart immensely. Thatís where I break down. I know he will get over it, but the initial part breaks my heart. I hate M for this.

In the end, I think I had one foot out the door myself. The foot was in due to his way to keep me satisfied for the being and our children . He couldnít give me what I need. And we had a whole debate about needs vs. wants. And yes, the excessive pot usage is his escape.

Iím going to be ok. It wasnít working for me. I felt lonely in the relationship. I didnít feel cherished. I felt insignificant.

Iím seriously surprised at how well I am doing. I am kind of shocked myself . And afraid grief is going to come out of. O where and knock the wind out of me

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861776
08/17/19 10:50 PM
08/17/19 10:50 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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UR, just saw your post. And yes, you know me so well. And I was confiding in Mach as I was going along and he was seeing what you saw and he supported me, in my R, but saw what you saw.

And I did so many things differently this time I am proud of. I took my time. I didnít rush anything. I went with his pace. I waited to introduce kids. I chose a guy who lived close and was the same age. I thought I was doing everything right. And I did. I didnít ignore the red flags. I was well aware of the red flags. But I had to see this through. I wanted to have no regrets. And I wouldnít have heard anyone until I was ready.

I will always have love for him, I have great memories, but I needed more than he was giving. And if he gave me that and put the love I put into it, he would have been the one. But heís not. And I will survive

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861778
08/17/19 11:59 PM
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Omg, and yes. My support here and IRL is surreal. The people in my life are amazing. And that should raise the caliber for my mates.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: DonH] #2861793
08/18/19 11:07 AM
08/18/19 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by DonH

Andrew posted that there are a lot of parallels and similarities between the two of you and what happened. At first I didn't see it, but I'm very much starting to. What I see first and foremost is how, now, now after both of you had the other person abruptly break up, now is when many here started to speak truthfully. Why is that? Why did it take the other person leaving? Clearly it's much easier to see things in hindsight. It's much easier to see now that Google or Microsoft or Apple were going to be huge stocks but difficult before they actually were. Same with crashes in the market. It's so easy now to look back and see the tech bubble of 2000 but few saw it then. After the fact we all said we should have gotten out sooner. Is that what happened here? Or did many of us have feelings, gut or otherwise, that both M and B were not the right fit but we didn't want to rain on Ginger or Andrews parade? If not, why not say it sooner? If many of us thought this all along, why did we keep quiet? That's not what this place is for. That said, another similarity and one pointed out by a few already is both Andrew and Ginger didn't really want to hear it or would not believe it or would have excuses for it if we did say anything. I think that's human nature. But another piece to things.


Certainly in Andrew's case I saw a ton of posts advising that he slow down. He did what he felt was right at the time. Personally, I did not feel comfortable being gloves off uncensored Bttrfly here as I am IRL. There are no nuances of tone and body language to soften the printed word. It was clear that Andrew was moving ahead regardless of how diplomatically he was being advised to slow it down.

In G's case, I think people did validate her concerns. Perhaps we got more vocal towards the end.

I haven't been here as long as the rest of you so I def. feel it's not my place to be hardcore blunt until y'all know me a little better, lol. wink

Originally Posted by DonH


On another topic:

Originally Posted by Ginger1
........heís pretty darn high on pot. I am pro marijuana. Recreational and medical. But he is pretty much high majority of the time. He is very educated on it, but he likes to be high all the time. He chooses his vacation spots to pass through somewhere pot legal.


I think this is a big red flag and also may be somewhat telling. What is he escaping? He's clearly self-medicating for something. Often daily pot smokers are not motivated at all, that's not the case with M, making me wonder if he's not ADHD, has huge anxiety or something that he needs to self medicate to calm down and "feel normal." There is also a strong correlation to drug use and not being social. It's a very common sign when people pull away from friends and family they may be doing it to be alone with their drugs. He can't really do that on a date or places with his kid. He's getting away from you to be with his drug. Trust me, I did this ALL THE TIME and from EVERYONE.

Some of you here know I have a huge, personal understanding about drug use. I'm not at all against medical marijuana. Just as I'm not against morphine, or percocet or whatever opiate/opioid but we also see where over-use and daily use of that has taken our world. Thankfully pot doesn't not cause 150 deaths a day but it can be very damaging. Recreational use is one thing but regardless of the drug, drinking a six or 12 pack or bottle of wine a day is not recreational. Smoking pot and being "high all the time" is not recreational. As a medical professional Ginger I urge you to re-think this. I have no doubt most of your thoughts come from your parents and upbringing. It's again normal and natural to believe that what we grew up with and our parents did/do is normal, right and healthy. That's not always the case. While I'm far less pro recreational than I am medical - true medical need - I also don't think smoking once or twice a week and for sure a month, is going to be damaging. But there is no way you are going to convince me and many others in the know that daily drug use including pot use, in the absence of a true medical need and for years on end is healthy. It's simply not. I have no doubt, none, zero, that M's drug use is part of what's going on with him. It's part of this picture. He's trying to escape something he's not willing to face.

THIS is HUGE. I too have experience here.
I'm sorry, had I known this I would have said a lot more, a lot sooner. Someone high all the time isn't living their life, they are hiding from it. G you were in a relationship with pot, not M. The real M is someone deep down under the drug, and honey you never met him. That's not recreational use at all, and I wouldn't doubt if that much pot use affected his libido - there's that piece of the puzzle falling into place neatly.

There's a real uptick in pot use but when you have to plan your vacation around pot, only going to states where it's legal? That's not recreational. Ginger, read this and tell me if it reminds you of M:
"We put their (drug) use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands and children"
"Our whole life and thinking was centered in getting and using and finding ways and means to get more"
"We lived to use and used to live"

Those sentences are taken right from Narcotics Anonymous literature, read at the beginning of almost every meeting. It's a reminder of what our priorities were when we were high. It's read to remind us that using is a dead end, harms others and there's a lot more to life.

Did you ever see M when he wasn't high or when he ran out of pot? How did he behave then? I assure you Don if G had shared this earlier, I would have thrown my diplomacy and hesitancy about my short time here out the window and been very vocal about this topic.

And I will also say G, I'm so proud of you honey for how you're handing this from beginning to end. Seriously gf, you are a rock star. Pray for that sweet little boy as you cannot do anything else. I believe it will help. xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861795
08/18/19 11:24 AM
08/18/19 11:24 AM
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Yes G! Up the stakes!! I am not saying have a checklist but at least have an idea of the type of man your looking for. When you think of that man what does that look like to you? What is most important to you? Beyond looks but who they are as a person, their life. I have always said you generally attract who you are, broken attracts broken, like attracts like. So i would also advocate for you to think about what you need to do for yourself to attract the best possible partner for yourself. That potentially could.be nothing other than to continue valuing yourself and maintaining your confidence.

I told you it wouldnt take too long for your heart to catch up with your head smile

You are so much better for this after reading the other things you have posted. You have a lot going for you my virtual friend.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861797
08/18/19 12:36 PM
08/18/19 12:36 PM
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I just caught up Ginger and just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

So much great advice being offered and you are handling it so well.

I am one of the people that didnít directly stand up and say what I was thinking and you have always done that for me - so I apologize. I worried about being wrong and putting ideas in your head that might not have been true so everything I wrote was written subtly. I worried that I was in the high of a new relationship and seeing things in your situation unfairly and unrealistically.

I do think this is a gift though. Because now you have the opportunity to find someone that will be able to cherish and love you the way you are able to cherish and love them. You can reevaluate your needs and what you are going to walk away from.

I wrote on someone elseís thread a bit about ďsettlingĒ. About how I was advised to read a book about how middle age women should start settling. And my self esteem was so low at the time I was agreeing with it and stayed with a person not right for me - and not only not right but someone totally repulsive.

I feel that the terms compromise and settle get really confusing sometimes. And i think it's worth exploring. Your gut - your inner voice kept saying how unhappy you were with the space he was demanding. You had the choice to either accept and compromise your needs or move on. And you chose compromise because you loved him. But again. Something to explore. Maybe compromise is more for a long standing relationship - not for choosing who to be in a relationship with.

My ex husband is a high functioning addict. He was always looking for fix it tasks and chores to do. He would fix his moms car while she watched son. Constantly found excuses to be away and would do a favor so no one got mad that he was disappearing. I later got to telling myself how acts of service was his love language. Not true. It was his way of deceiving and avoiding people. Maybe because itís easy to get a fix or hide something when your around a task and not a person but you still look good? Ex husband needed tons of space and I thought I was needy - he convinced me I was needy and demanding. (Every other guy I dated - never wanted space from me. They think I want too much space) so I think itís an addict thing. I think addicts are empty and not capable of love or real relationships. You might not have been enough of a codependent to make it work with him. He saw that early on and decided to bail. Again, itís a gift. I didnít know about Mís use or I definitely would have spoken out about that.

Anyway - I am sorry you are going through this. I just know that you will find someone that fits perfectly with you. I think you are (we all are) experiencing these situations because we need to grow and learn from them. - and I know how much that [censored] to hear when you are hurting and in the midst of it. Focusing on all the things you donít like about them - is always satisfying. I think a common theme for you has been making sure they like you and what you can give to them, instead of the other way around. So something else to work on.

Big hugs ginger


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861803
08/18/19 02:46 PM
08/18/19 02:46 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I am such a fortunate woman to get this advice. Iíve been reading it over and over all morning.

Re: the pot. My mother was an addict and her addiction eventually had a hand in killing her. I saw her go to rehab twice in my life, once when I was 4 for Xanax, again when I was 8 for cocaine, and then when I was 21 again for cocaine and she killed herself there. So I know the harm drugs can do and they touched myself closely. She was clean for 12 years although she traded in her drug addiction for a gambling addiction. She turned back to drugs when my dad left. My dad and his wife are an every day pot users. I myself am for sleep sometimes. I hate taking any sleeping pills. Sleeping pills are more harmful by far. M on the other hand is an all the timer. I donít know if he does it before work honestly. But I think he does. He doesnít smoke a little either. And he will never and has never ran out and has all forms you can imagine. I learned a lot from him, lol. He functions fantastically, and is super outdoor active. But it must suppress feelings for him. I wonder how he would do without it. Not well, I would imagine.

Re: settling. Juju, you brought up excellent points and read what was going through my head throughout this relationship and why I kept trying. I figured we canít have it all. I figured an adult love after divorce is different. He treated me kindly, helped me out, didnít belittle me, and we really enjoyed our time together when we were together ( maybe he wasnít,? But I know he did) but as my friend pointed out to me, this is enough for the short term, but not long term. I need something deeper, I need to be just as important and not a convienece . I stuck around as long as I did because I felt absolutely pot committed because of the kids. I felt an obligation to make it work. But I was settling because I felt it to be silly to look for perfection. I figured Iím an adult now and I should take what I can get and not be greedy and ask for more.

And as my friend pointed out..... I can pretty much make it work with anyone. Iím super accommodating. But can they make it work with me? I really have to start looking at what I want and can that other person give it to me? Because what I need and want matters. Not only can I give them what they need. And yes! I always make sure they like me and I go from there. I need to make sure I like them! That is important!

There dumb things that went through my mind that irked me. And I thought I was being nuts for being so picky, but I think they were showing his character. If we were to go through a crowd, like we did in that scary experience at the concert with the storm we had, he runs ahead, doesnít grab my hand and doesnít even look behind for me. I could have been caught behind in the crowd of people trying to get to safety and he would have never known. Then, wait for this one..... once we got out, we were heading for a bar. It looked like another round of storms were coming and I wanted to get there. But no, he wanted to smoke his blunt so we walked around and around until we got to the bar and the storm hit and we were completely soaked. I was p!ssed but didnít let him know. And he didnít seem to care too much. He rarely opened the door for me and would always walk through first....... until we were on vacation and he was teaching his son ďladies firstĒ in my head I was laughing because he never did when it was just us. I thought I was being a high maintenance Biotch , but I think it was just very telling to me.

I slept really well last night, on an air mattress! I was thrilled to see my 2 favorite girls have such a great time. I love that my daughters best friend calls me second mom. We went out for dinner, I actually ate some. Donít totally want my appetite back, but itís probably a good thing. We went for ice cream after. Today is a nice day and we are hitting the beach.

I am still ok. And still freaked out about it. He was a huge part of my life for the last year. I should be missing him horribly. And I donít. I miss his son. His mom. And maybe some of the good times. The intimacy I miss, just laying in his arms as he told me he loved me. But I have no urge to contact him. And I feel kind of bad for blocking him on text, but Iím better off not knowing if he is trying to communicate rather than unblock him and feel bad he doesnít. Iím sure he is taking this time without his son to smoke a whole lot of weed, do some his projects to keep him busy and kayak and fish while high AF. And maybe even go in a date or two. Maybe. But he should have been thrilled and committed to come to my dads and he wasnít, and I had to wait and see if he would say yes or no, knowing it was a no. I think when FF and I broke up, even though it was 3 months, we spent Lots of time together and I felt it worse because of that. M and I did not. So it was probably a good thing.

I just hope I stay like this. I am probably focused on the negative now.but the good was good. I will admit that. In the beginning he was always so excited to see me... wanted to see me often. Told me how he ran out of the house because he couldnít wait. When that stopped and I called him out on it, he told me ď Iím in it for the long run and I donít want to burn out and I need to take care of myself and not be tired for my days with S, sorry, but my quality of time with him can not be affected by us, he comes firstĒ which was such a freakin cop out.

Iíll stop rambling now. Iím going to love him from a distance. Pray for him and his son. Especially his precious son. He is a good dad, but I donít know if he is ready for whatís to come because he focuses on being too perfect. But his son will be sad we are gone. I know he will forget us after a while. I wish M no bad will. I wish him peace. I am happy I got to love him the way I did. It was a new level for me. And I think he loved me in the only way he can

Last edited by job; 08/18/19 04:17 PM. Reason: edited a word and put spacing between two paragraphs
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861804
08/18/19 02:53 PM
08/18/19 02:53 PM
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Oh, and I think Iím just excited to turn attention back to myself. I was being sucked dry by neglect and trying to get him to want to be with me. Itís all about me for a while. Iím super excited to get back on the fitness train and lose this weight and be healthy again. I have been off social media which has been great. I may go back on FB for my weight loss and diet groups. And try not to be looking into everyoneís elseís lives and happy couples, because I have to focus on me. Comparison is the thief of joy. But I have to say itís been really healthy to be off.

I can do this. It all boils down to me kicking my self doubt in the butt. When something is off in an R, I need to not doubt myself. I need to know my worth.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861805
08/18/19 03:25 PM
08/18/19 03:25 PM
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How come you kept the drug use secret from here? It seems like it was a huge deal and I don't recall it being mentioned before hand or at least not to this extent. Did you know there would be a negative or, at least, a concerned reaction?


Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey hey
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: pinn] #2861809
08/18/19 04:12 PM
08/18/19 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by pinn
How come you kept the drug use secret from here? It seems like it was a huge deal and I don't recall it being mentioned before hand or at least not to this extent. Did you know there would be a negative or, at least, a concerned reaction?


I have mentioned it before and a little bit before saying that he really really likes his pot.

I am pro recreational and medical. We all have differing opinions. My opinions are derived from being a medical professional Iíve wrote papers on it in it. I watch a lot of documentaries .

But I realize he almost needs it sometimes. Not physically but mentally. It was fine by me because he is a very productive member of society. But I think it might be emotionally stunting him.

Not my circus not my monkeys anymore.

In other news, my HGB aic came back and I am on the very lowest range of Persia eric. As my family is a family of diabetics, I better get my crap together . Tomorrow is my physical to go over there results and Iím going really talk about what the best way of eating is and if keto is right for me.

Operation drop 20lbs and be in the best health possible is on!!!!

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861811
08/18/19 04:22 PM
08/18/19 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by pinn
How come you kept the drug use secret from here? It seems like it was a huge deal and I don't recall it being mentioned before hand or at least not to this extent. Did you know there would be a negative or, at least, a concerned reaction?


I have mentioned it before and a little bit before saying that he really really likes his pot.

I am pro recreational and medical. We all have differing opinions. My opinions are derived from being a medical professional Iíve wrote papers on it in it. I watch a lot of documentaries .

But I realize he almost needs it sometimes. Not physically but mentally. It was fine by me because he is a very productive member of society. But I think it might be emotionally stunting him.

Not my circus not my monkeys anymore.

In other news, my HGB aic came back and I am on the very lowest range of Persia eric. As my family is a family of diabetics, I better get my crap together . Tomorrow is my physical to go over there results and Iím going really talk about what the best way of eating is and if keto is right for me.

Operation drop 20lbs and be in the best health possible is on!!!!



ah OK.. must have missed it then.

Go get those 20lbs! boom! When people ask me how to get in shape.. I saw it's easy... get divorced! hahaha!


Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey hey
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861816
08/18/19 06:18 PM
08/18/19 06:18 PM
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Ginger... Keto worked great for me. I dropped 30 on it (the final 10 was thanks to my X and BD) and it was the easiest time I have ever had on a ďdietĒ. The difference for me is that I didnít think of it as a diet... I still donít... for me it was a lifestyle change. Havenít had pasta in over a year and a half. I will have bread on occasion and potatoes on occasion. Iíve found Keto-friendly desserts and treats to satisfy my sweet tooth. Iím not as vigilant now as I used to be but I am still nowhere near where I was pre-Keto days when about 80% of my diet was carbs. Give it a try. You wonít regret it. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861829
08/18/19 08:24 PM
08/18/19 08:24 PM
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Iím definitely going to get the most out of my doctors appointment to make sure this is right for me. My cholesterol is good, my triglycerides a tad high and I also want to make sure I am getting all the appropriate nutrients.

When I got married I went low carb and lost a lot of weight. I was super strict. When I got divorced I lost all the baby weight plus some and while I was t even skinny, people kept telling me I needed to gain weight. Even my ex did. Then when I had a super stressful job that kept me on the road, I lost a whole bunch of weight. Then I maintained a weight for years that was maybe 10 lbs over I wanted to be, but I was consistent, I was very active and Iím good shape. After that surgery, I got to my highest weight ever I only saw in pregnancy. I gained some dating ( he eats all friend foods and beer, and I love beer) and I guess when someone is attracted to you, the motivation to go overboard losing weight isnít there.

Anyways. I realized I am actually feeling better than I did when we were dating. I often had knots in stomach wondering if I invited him somewhere he would reject me, if I didnít if he would ask me out. Waiting to see an ďI love youĒ text for a peace of mind and sadly, that would give me relief for the time being. How embarrassing. How not knowing my own value. I can relax because now because there is no more wondering. You shouldnít have to a year in. You should not feel bad and wait for rejection to spend time with your SO. I felt rejected all too often like everything was more important than me. And I was a bad person for wanting to be important .

Now, I am not waiting to feel loved. Iím going to love myself. And I just feel lighter. And Iím sure he feels lighter not having to worry about making me feel important or loved.

Heís on my mind all the time, honestly. But itís just not affecting me.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861835
08/18/19 10:02 PM
08/18/19 10:02 PM
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G.....I learned that i want to be with someone that makes me want to be a better person. That inspires me to be the best I can be. There are other things obviously but that is important to me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861872
08/19/19 10:39 AM
08/19/19 10:39 AM
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I want to be with someone who inspires me to be a better person too. And I want that person to be inspired by me likewise. I want someone who wants to be with me as a choice. Someone who puts a little extra pep on your step and makes you want to be the best you that you can be.

Just journaling. Still ok. Maybe Iím numb. I of course play the scenario a million times over and over in my head. Some things still donít add up. But I am not having a visceral reaction to these thoughts as I have in the past. Iím not having much of a reaction. I just think I may have needed this to happen. Or for him to feel something is t lacking and be all in the relationship, not only when it suited him.

When he told me that he was breaking up with me via text and he couldnít talk in person until next week..... I had texted him that itís not fair to make me wait and and to at least make time to break up with me properly and to call me. And then D11 was going to have a sleepnover and I told him that. He 2 hours later texts back ďI donít mean to be cold, but you are being really pushy while I try to workĒ pushy? You just dumped me and told me you werenít going to tell me why until next week!

He truly is all about him. God, I remember when I needed the surgery for my breast. It was pretty upset about needing another surgery, the cost, the decisions..... and he became distant and made it about his exís breast cancer experience and how it affected him! And I was doing everything to comfort HIM. Wtf?! No text the night before the surgery and none the morning of. He was distant days before it. He only showed true compassion when he didnít want me to get them replaced and I was upset because I didnít know which way to go with it. I had to ask him to stay with me after the surgery. It was going to be my dad but he had his medical problem. I remember he didnít even offer, he was just fine with my dad doing it. But I had to ask him .

Why did I overlook this stuff? Why did I comfort HIM in my time of need? Who does that????

He was simply never there for me. I didnít really matter. He mattered, his son mattered and that was it. When he was considering letting his son know about us, he didnít even take into account my D11 . I finally said, itís not easy for her to hide the fact we are together when she knows it. I basically had to make sure when we were around his son my daughter wouldnít say he was my boyfriend.

I hate that I managed to convince myself this was a healthy R. He did show up at the right times sometimes and as usual, one nice gesture makes up for all the negative for me.

Words and actions just need to match.

I guess Iím in the beating myself up phase.

I am going to miss having someone to kiss and cuddle with. I was missing that horribly when we got together. Bit that might be about i
Onward and upward. I canít dwell, I can only learn.

And not reaching out to him since he broke up with me is a huge change for me. Part of me wants me to tell him I understand, you are right, there was something missing. He right now thinks I am just hurt and devastated, but thatís okay. It doesnít matter what he thinks.

And I donít know why, but with this one, I think he really is going to have regrets

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861892
08/19/19 01:17 PM
08/19/19 01:17 PM
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doll, put down the bat and replace it with a feather.

xoxoxo

hugs


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861915
08/19/19 04:14 PM
08/19/19 04:14 PM
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Sending hugs G!!!

Iīm into Quality Certification Program where I work. Iīm trying to follow everybody but I canīt keep the pace...

Do what works. As usual!

You know how to stand for yourself. Be strong there. Hugs for you and D!

(((((G)))))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861927
08/19/19 05:17 PM
08/19/19 05:17 PM
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(((G)))

Don't beat up on yourself too hard. You loved him and when you love someone, you go all in. That is NOT a bad thing in any way, shape, fashion or form. It is just who you are. You have gotten some great words of wisdom from a lot of really awesome folks here, so there is not a darn thing I could add to it, but I did want to say that I hope, in the near future, you find solace in knowing that he wasn't "the one".

We have bandied that whole "settling" thing around some on several threads lately and your posts seemed more and more like you were "settling" for M rather than really getting what you needed. I said as much as I felt like I could without just outright saying that because I wasn't sure if that was true and I still may be wrong, but as I said in another post to you, your posts just were sounding increasingly unhappy in your relationship with M and you were taking all the blame and fault for that on yourself, which is very unhealthy. Like someone else said, I guess I missed all the stuff about how in-depth his weed smoking was because if I had remembered that part, I likely would have been more vocal about your settling.

I just wish you well, G. I hope you find peace in all of this soon. And, I hope you can find a way to focus on yourself and find your own happy again. I just know your time is coming.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861936
08/19/19 05:40 PM
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Iím with everyone else G.... put down the bat. You remind me so much of me. Like you, I go ďall inĒ and I love people without reservation even when there are indicators that the other person may not be in the same place or even capable of loving someone that way. My MR was Exhibit A. I felt like a complete idiot when I looked back on everything in hindsight. But...I was honest, loyal, committed and loving...I cannot feel bad about that and you shouldnít either. You continue to learn and to grow and we grow the most through painful self-reflection. It s*cks we have to go through it but in the end, if we do the work, it is worth it. There IS someone else more worthy of you out there Ginger. He will find you when the time is right. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861940
08/19/19 05:52 PM
08/19/19 05:52 PM
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Quote
He 2 hours later texts back ďI donít mean to be cold, but you are being really pushy while I try to workĒ pushy?


Yeah, that's BS.

I think you're not freaking out because you know that on some level, you were still waiting for him to step up to the plate, and as obnoxious as this was, it confirmed for you that you weren't crazy in your doubts about him.

AS to why we ignore the red flags? I see a lot of myself in you. I pride myself on being easygoing. I'm a caretaker. I can see the Buddha in most everyone. And in my younger years, I was hungry for that affirmation from men (even though I always had confidence in who I was.) I was often the pursuer.

Now, as I get older and need less, I find the less I want from a man, the more he seems to pursue. I've started to learn to ask for what I want. A guy who doesn't show up when I'm sick? Nope. A guy who has be stoned every day? Nope. (Even though I, like you, am not opposed to marijuana on principle.) I may CHOOSE to overlook certain things, if the whole on balance is good. And I can see how you were sucked in by his WORDS. But unfortunately they didn't match his actions, and you are right - you shouldn't be feeling that lonely in a relationship. The first year especially a guy should be making you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread.

Also - just remember, in the future, six months is a MINIMUM for meeting kids. If you're not sure by six months, leave the kids out of it until you are sure. Nothing wrong with waiting a year.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861964
08/19/19 07:09 PM
08/19/19 07:09 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Iím going to go easy on myself here. I did a lot of things differently and I have no regrets. If I didnít see it through, I would have always wondered ďwhat-IídĒ

I know I say these things about him, but he wasnít a bad guy. He had a very loving compassionate side. He was better to me than all the other guys I dated. I think he just still had a ways to go in dealing with his stuff. He couldnít be there for me fully like I was there for him. Whatever reason.

I do guess I was settling for these reasons. He was an overall good guy, quite handy, and when we were together things were mostly good. I didnít want to get greedy or seem like I was giving something up for my pettiness. But what I wanted wasnít petty. And I do think he called it quits because he felt like he couldnít give me what I needed.

We did kid introductions at 6 months give or take a eek. It took months after that for him to know I was more than a friend. I never pushed on the introductions, but I pushed very little on me pretending to be such a friend. Honestly, and I donít know if it was coincidental, he backed off of ďmeĒ shortly after a few times we hung out with the kids. I treated his son like gold and we immediately bonded. So I donít think he thought I would be a bad figure in his life. I Think seeing good stuff and future together scared him.

Regardless, itís over. And Iím still ok. If any other boyfriend I had would have said ďI made a mistakeĒ I would have probably gotten back with them. Not this one. I think heís right, maybe we are too different? I mean unless he came running back admitting to his fears leading to his in attention and neglect of me, I would consider it. But I am well aware I am most likely never going to hear from him again.

Had my doctors appt. everything is good. Going to start keto tomorrow. Made an adjustment in my meds which will hopefully help me find sleep.

Iím excited to start getting healthy again. I donít want to be that woman who has 5 year old pictures on her dating profile and then someone meets me and says ďIíve been duped!!!!Ē

Also looking to go back to kickboxing, my favorite sport in the world that got me through my D. I think my knee can handle it now.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861969
08/19/19 07:16 PM
08/19/19 07:16 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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G.....I dont even know you and for some reason I have the feeling you can do so much better. Who knows his reasons why but he did you a favor.

We all struggle with certain aspects of ourselves. The dr told me she got back with an ex that she wasn't attracted to just so she wasnt alone over the holidays. We all got [censored]....dont be so hard on yourself.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861970
08/19/19 07:17 PM
08/19/19 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Regardless, it’s over. And I’m still ok. If any other boyfriend I had would have said “I made a mistake” I would have probably gotten back with them. Not this one. I think he’s right, maybe we are too different? I mean unless he came running back admitting to his fears leading to his in attention and neglect of me, I would consider it. But I am well aware I am most likely never going to hear from him again.


You ARE ok and you will continue to be ok. Honestly, even if he did come back and say all the right things, I would still say don't do it. I was in that situation with my XH and looking back now, I should've just run. He broke up with me before we had too many serious talks about getting married because he "got scared" because he loved me so much and was worried he wasn't enough for me (or some bull sh!t along those lines), but he came back and we talked it out and I went back with him and shortly after we started talking marriage and then just a few months later, tied the knot. Big mistake on my part!

Maybe it is my personal experience talking/clouding my judgment here, but from where I am sitting, you are better off to keep him blocked and never hear from again because even if he can give you a pretty d@mn good reason, you will still always wonder and you are worth more than someone who makes you feel that way.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861976
08/19/19 07:36 PM
08/19/19 07:36 PM
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I mean unless he came running back admitting to his fears leading to his in attention and neglect of me, I would consider it.


NOPE!!!!! Not even then. Breaking up with you by f-ing TEXT is all you need to know. Regardless of his fears/reasons/justifications for breaking up, he did it in a WUSSY way! How could you ever trust someone again who was capable of being such a lame-o? It tells you that he bails easily and without respect for you. This is an absolute disqualifier (kind of like an absolute contraindication in medicine).

(And not just that he did it by text, but couldn't even continue the conversation at the time!)

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861981
08/19/19 07:56 PM
08/19/19 07:56 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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You are all right. And thank you for thinking I can do better. I can. I wouldnít take him back. Not that I have to worry about that. Heís the type who just gets over it.

He didnít want to do it by text, I kind of made him. He really wanted to wait to see me in person But Iím not stupid. Ignoring me all day and not being so nice when he did respond wasnít fair. He was just going to ignore me until the next week and not answer my questions until the following week. Which is pretty crappy.

But he was mind F-ing me. Because at one point I told him I couldnít concentrate at work and I wanted to know whatís going on. And his response was ďwhy canít you concentrate?Ē Duhhhhhhh, you know why. But Then he said my questions were justified but he canít be taken away from work and doesnít want to explain in text. I said ďjust give me a quick peace of mind because I was scared you were breaking up with me or somethingĒ no answer for hours, leaving me spinning.

Yeah, he treated me like poop and left me hanging. Last words being ďIím. It getting into th

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861982
08/19/19 07:57 PM
08/19/19 07:57 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Oooops.

His last words were ďIím not engaging in text or this conversation, hurt me if it makes you feel better. But you deserve to be happy and Iím sorry I canít be the one to do it.

Oh well. Time to just forget about the details, know itís over and go on

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862020
08/20/19 01:21 AM
08/20/19 01:21 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Journaling yet again. Donít worry guys, I bought an actual journal!

Tonight I went to my BFFís daughterís birthday dinner. Saw my friends, had a GREAT time. My friend who found out with me that M was breaking up with me said ď you are handling this so well!Ē I didnít talk about it all night. I was myself, laughing, joking, having fun! I was losing that part of me worrying if M would contact me. Knowing M would not join me.
I feel very carefree .

And I was with my people. The most non-judgmental people you will ever meet. We are all inappropriate at times, curse around our kids and sometimes call them little A-Holes. But we all would do anything for our children and they all feel nothing but loved. Each of our kids are like the others own. I found myself censoring myself a lot because M was pretty judgy. He would die if he heard half the things we say. He judges parents everywhere . When we are the winery he watched a kid trip and the parent says ďI told you not to do that!!!!Ē He goes on to explain how he would have handled that differently. Mind your own business dude! I would tell my kid that all the time when she did something was supposed to. I think this might have been the one R where I was t completely myself and censored myself. I am a bit ďpervertedĒ hats the totally wrong word, but my friends and I make sexual jokes freely. He is kind of uptight about that. I couldnít even flirt with him. If he heard me and half my friends talk he would probably die.

And this is going to sound silly. But when I figured he was breaking up with me and my coworker said a prayer with me ( sheís super religious, I am not) she said ďwhatever happens may it be the right thing for ginger to bring peace in her heart.Ē Maybe if wasnít for that prayer I wouldnít have peace in my heart. Maybe itís the lessons I learned.

And again, I have a lot of love for him. Iím not as sad it ended and more sad it had to end. I wish it could have been different because in his soul he is such a great guy. I wish him nothing but peace and resolution with his ex so that very sweet boy can know that peace.

I do admit, Iím not all that strong, I looked at the Valentineís Day cards and my birthday card he got me. His Valentineís Day card to me was the sweetest most powerful card I think I ever got from a guy. It was very simple. In it said ď i needed ya, I got ya, Iím keeping ya, I love yaĒ and he wrote ďevery time I look on your eyes it makes me smile. I hope to spend many more valentines days with youĒ I couldnít help but cry. I believed it. Maybe he believed it at the time too
I also wonder if he thinks of me and misses me. But Iím best off never knowing

Tomorrow is my first day back to work after 4 days off. I plan to hit up a kickboxing class this week. Let it all out. You should see me punch a heavy bag. Iím a monster. Operation lose 20 lbs begins tomorrow. Went grocery shopping. D11 is the best grocery shopping partner she loads the belt and bags everything just as I like it and she puts the groceries away. She a pretty awesome kid. And she is not being affected by the break up I think on large part because Iím just fine. It makes a difference .

One day at a time

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862024
08/20/19 02:49 AM
08/20/19 02:49 AM
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I hope you'll keep journaling here. I really think it helps us to help you - not only now but in the future. The more you reveal the clearer the picture becomes and it's so important to learn from this. Seeing that you were being a different person with him. Not good! The drug use, the things he said to you. It's so clear he gave you a gift in letting you go.

I'm watching 90 Day Fiancť (so shoot me lol) and one guy said they have a saying in his country... I've heard it before but it is so true "the one who loves the least has the power in the relationship" how true. The more you love, the more you are willing to give up - both in a good way and in bad.

You can find what you want AND be yourself. You were giving up too much to have a boyfriend. Not worth the price. It's great to have the old Ginger back (will be said by your friends very shortly)


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862044
08/20/19 11:48 AM
08/20/19 11:48 AM
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G....I think you have peace in your heart because you know he wasnít right for you. It all sounds kind of manipulative to me. If you would have stayed with him I think you would have become a completely different person.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862049
08/20/19 12:28 PM
08/20/19 12:28 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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You are both so right. I wanted to ease it it up here because I know I keep repeating myself, but the advice has been so valuable and helpful to my healing and going forward.

At first, I really fell for him because he was the opposite of my ex. Chill, understanding, not mean. And as time went on, I realized he was more and more like my ex. My dad noticed it too from what I said. He is all about him and very high maintenance. And you know what happened to me? I became a resentful b!tch. And thatís not who I am. I felt myself becoming resentful again. All the feelings I had with my ex of inadequacy, having to keep it together myself and it being one sided came flooding back. Bad bad feelings. Thatís why if he were ever to come back it also couldnít work because like dawn said...... Iíd be worrying he would do it again and I wasnít enough .

Omg, J, yes, he was manipulative. In a nice way. I was beginning to think I was crazy because his words werenít matching his actions. And the. I would say something and he would do just enough to keep me on the hook. If you went by words, this man loved me greatly our connection was amazing and we would be spending many years together. Then telling me something was missing and dumping me out of the blue certainly didnít add up. And making a grand gesture of flowers and asking me out in front of his son and my daughter, asking is on vacation together, telling me how much he missed me when I was gone, teaching his son about bonus moms...... yet, he went against his gut in telling us we were together because I made him feel bad????? No way dude.

Enough of all that. I could try to make sense of it all day, but cut and dry, it was him, not me, itís for the best.

Oh, and I realized when the 25 year old patient care tech at my job was treating me better and was more attentive to me than my boyfriend, I was seriously lacking something. The guy clearly has a crush on me. And one day when I was having a crappy day he noticed. And dropped Reeseís PB cups on my desk. M not wanted to know about my day and never let me talk.

On another note. Today would have been my ex and Iís 15th wedding anniversary. We only made it 4 years....but Iím pretty sure if I was still married to him 15 years later, I would be in the looney bin, no doubt.

I clearly have to get better at man picking.

Back to work today.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862056
08/20/19 01:30 PM
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Well the manipulative nice ones are the worst. My sister was married to someone like that and my dad told me that if her XH had it his way she would be barefoot and pregnant all the time so no one else would find her attractive. She ended up Divorcing him but after she he did he just became mean and lost the nice guy routine.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862060
08/20/19 01:34 PM
08/20/19 01:34 PM
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my advice? go out for coffee with the 25 year old (waggling eyebrows at you, lol)

xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: DonH] #2862079
08/20/19 02:49 PM
08/20/19 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by DonH
I'm watching 90 Day Fiancť (so shoot me lol) and one guy said they have a saying in his country... I've heard it before but it is so true "the one who loves the least has the power in the relationship" how true. The more you love, the more you are willing to give up - both in a good way and in bad.



I watched the same thing. I can't help it, those 90 day shows are guilty pleasures to me because I spend most of the episode sassing the tv about how stupid these people are and the other half just wondering what the actual h3ll. Seriously, as I have found myself saying several times today, you just can't make this sh!t up. Anyway, I caught that line and it stood out to me too as soon as I heard it. It is SO true. I realize it was said in relation to one couple in particular (and that woman is a bi-atch with a capital B! but dude is a pushover, so I see why they are together), but if you really take a step back and look at it on the surface, and look at actual couples, it is so very true. Sadly, G, while I think M loved you in the best way he could, he did seem to have all the power and it was facilitating an environment where you were not feeling like your best self. That sucked for you and I think, as others have said, his breaking up, while harsh and abrupt, probably really was a gift to you.


I also agree with J9's comment above that manipulative nice ones are the worst. Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to prove it. So, so crappy to deal with for the long run.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862084
08/20/19 03:10 PM
08/20/19 03:10 PM
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My D.B. counselor told me that... ďwhoever is least invested in the relationship has the powerĒ. So all the emotionally unavailable people get to maintain control.

In my last 2 relationships I was less invested. With my ex husband, I was more invested or perhaps more likely he was not invested at all. Neither way feels right.

Right now Iím with someone equally invested, if not more invested. And I am very invested. And it feels great.

I would not want to be less invested again - now experiencing all the incredible feelings that comes with being invested - even though it would give me more control and power. Even though it makes me more vulnerable. Because to experience the highs Iím learning you have to invest and put yourself at risk emotionally. (Which you have always done ginger). I would also never again settle or be exclusive with someone that is not showing me that they are fully invested. Itís a waste of time.

Finding someone equally into you as you are with him is an absolute in my opinion. A guy that is into you is gonna bend over backwards to spend a free Sunday with you. And if heís not, find someone that is just as enthusiastic. They do exist!!

When I asked last boyfriend if he wanted me to stop by, his response was ďif you wishĒ. Current boyfriend would say ďyes. As soon as you can. Please. I need to see youĒ he asks to drive extra 30 minutes each way just for a 5 minute kiss. New boyfriend is a thousand times better looking, smarter, funnier, and successful then last boyfriend. I never would have expected this. . Donít settle anymore ginger. You have too much going for you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862089
08/20/19 03:45 PM
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More good stuff!

I am also an avid 90 day fiancť watcher. D11 and I watch together and have a running commentary.

He had the power because he loved the least. The kicker is his words told me he loved me just as much. But actions, yes! Those werenít there .

I do want that guy who would be thrilled if our sundays matched up! I remember when I asked him to do something last minute because I suddenly became free. I knew he was free. He was mad because he said ď itís not fair to be upset when I donít accept last minute invitations. I canít do last minute invitations. I was set on an early bedtime tonightĒ WTF?

I was settling. Ugh. I will surely miss certain things. But I will not miss how I was feeling in that R at all. When you are alone so long, I felt greedy for wanting more than he was giving and I should just be happy he said he wanted to be with me long term.

Boy was I wrong!

And I canít go out with the 25 year old, unfortunately. Against company policy. But it sure is flattering

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862090
08/20/19 03:45 PM
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It is true but R's change over time and the natural ebb and flow of the R will shift the perceived power from one person to another while at times it being shared.

The equalizer to this is when you have two people that are connected, have a servant's heart, don't take advantage of each other and love selflessly. The power can't be shifted or given to someone that is going to abuse it.

Someone like M who IMO is a taker will need to be with another taker that is stronger willed than him who he has to chase to try and get the power. M would be more suited for those women who the book describes as "b!tches". Just the natural, kind hearted person that G is unfortunately is not suited for M. He can't handle the responsibility and he always needs to be in a position of chasing.


Last edited by job; 08/20/19 04:03 PM. Reason: edited a word

Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862111
08/20/19 06:45 PM
08/20/19 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I can't help it, those 90 day shows are guilty pleasures to me because I spend most of the episode sassing the tv about how stupid these people are and the other half just wondering what the actual h3ll. Seriously, as I have found myself saying several times today, you just can't make this sh!t up.


Exactly!!!!! If anyone wants a "How NOT To" guide to dating and marriage - this is it. I find myself yelling at the TV - You idiot, what is wrong with you! Sadly, there are so many lonely people in this world they will do just about anything and ignore just about any warning flags you can think of. I'm also glad to see I'm not the only one watching! Ha!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
He had the power because he loved the least. The kicker is his words told me he loved me just as much. But actions, yes! Those werenít there.

Not only in love and R's but very much in life, you HAVE GOT to pay attention to what people do - not what they say. Sure, what they say is important as well, but not nearly as much as what they do. People will say they are going to do all sorts of things (or not do them) yet they never follow through. We see this in politics ALL THE TIME. But just as much in the work place, etc. Yet so many people just go by what is said - and ignore what is done. It really should be the other way around.

I've been honest enough to say I see some areas of M in myself - clearly not all or perhaps even many, but some. And one I know I've done myself is I start to feel not as interested, not really sure I want to continue dating someone. However, if that person pulls back or calls me on it, I very well may then feel the loss and step up to the plate more. I'm not playing games - I'm really not. It's just natural feelings. And it's all described by MWD in her books. You were pulling back G, he didn't want to lose you so he'd say what he needed to say. I'm not even sure he knew he was doing it. I know I did not until I came to understand all of this - now I do. Hopefully you'll start to recognize these behaviors in the future but above all else - pay attention to what is done - not only what is said.
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Someone like M who IMO is a taker will need to be with another taker that is stronger willed than him who he has to chase to try and get the power. M would be more suited for those women who the book describes as "b!tches". Just the natural, kindhearted person that G is unfortunately is not suited for M. He can't handle the responsibility and he always needs to be in a position of chasing.

Again, I'll be brutally honest about myself and say, I can recognize me in what J9 has said. I think that is part of the dynamic I had with Wild Girl. Had she really chased me I really don't think I'd have followed through as I did. Who knows, maybe it was not just this, but for sure, she gave me the room and space to "chase" - not sure I chased - but certainly I pursued. I don't think M had to do much pursuit at all - you were doing it all for him Ginger. And again, it's not what you say, it's all of the other senses and actions. He could sense through your texts, and actions and wanting to see him on the spur of the moment when he rarely if ever did that for you. Had you done what some suggested and quickly went out with friends, ignored him, etc. I know he would have pursuit you more - but to what end, because deep down the two of you want different things (as do I) I read here one poster just said he's seeing the same girl for several years now although they are only out once or twice a month. It's what they both want. I could totally do that - you could not Ginger. And that's okay. While I don't at all want you to revert back to what you did prior to M, keep doing what you did but watch and hear what the person tell you they want IN ACTIONS. In words, M might have said he wanted one thing but his actions told the real story.

I also think it's very telling that you are not all that broken up over this break up. I felt the same way when things ended with Wild Girl (although the R was not the same as yours) but I knew all along it was what it was. I think you've seen it on the back end and that's why you are not all that upset. Given the choice you'd rather have a man in your life but you know this man was not the one for you and I think just through nature you are seeing quickly and clearly you were giving up too much and not getting nearly enough. The trick now is to be able to figure that out sooner. It's just so darn hard when you are in it. You and I can both spot this stuff a mile away when it doesn't involve us. But when it does, we struggle to see it.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862115
08/20/19 06:57 PM
08/20/19 06:57 PM
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Funny enough, I thought it would be harder because we were together a year rather than just a few months. I think the longer you go through the negative stuff though, the easier it is to let go. With exNG, I wasnít happy, but I think I hurt so much because I knew he was seeing another woman and I get fed a lot of info. With FF it was hard because he was around all the time and we werenít having bad times. The reality came about hat the age difference was too much. Then I suffered with that one because he also had another woman waiting in the wings. And I had a connection to him, his sister.

I have no connection to M other than what I develop. I blocked him every where. Especially has helped me on text. I havenít gone back on IG, I was friends with his brother there, but I have no idea if he unfriended me. Iíve learned my self preservation tactics.

I need someone who is not afraid of commitment and doesnít make me feel the need to chase. Even a week before he broke up with me, I didnít ask him out for that Wednesday. He did at last minute! I know what I want, and this time I wasnít going to take less. I think he knew it and didnít want to give it. So goodbye ginger!

I made the mistake of going back through my photos and I had screen shot some texts that he sent me that I had loved. I read them and it brought a tear to my eye.

But Iím quickly over it.

This has been an all new experience for me

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2862118
08/20/19 07:21 PM
08/20/19 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
It is true but R's change over time and the natural ebb and flow of the R will shift the perceived power from one person to another while at times it being shared.

The equalizer to this is when you have two people that are connected, have a servant's heart, don't take advantage of each other and love selflessly. The power can't be shifted or given to someone that is going to abuse it.

Someone like M who IMO is a taker will need to be with another taker that is stronger willed than him who he has to chase to try and get the power. M would be more suited for those women who the book describes as "b!tches". Just the natural, kind hearted person that G is unfortunately is not suited for M. He can't handle the responsibility and he always needs to be in a position of chasing.




Only issue for M. Is that no female taker is gonna go for a guy that spends all his money on pot and child support They will sniff that out real fast. I get the impression M. Ruined the best opportunity he was ever gonna get with Ginger.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862123
08/20/19 07:56 PM
08/20/19 07:56 PM
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Yep, I agree. M's SMV is not that high and he doesn't have the pelt's on the wall to behave this way. G was the best thing he was ever going to find until he ups his game and changes his way.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862127
08/20/19 08:09 PM
08/20/19 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I need someone who is not afraid of commitment and doesnít make me feel the need to chase. Even a week before he broke up with me, I didnít ask him out for that Wednesday. He did at last minute! I know what I want, and this time I wasnít going to take less. I think he knew it and didnít want to give it. So goodbye ginger!


Well... in hindsight yes. But really, you were taking less and chasing a bit - and let's be honest, had M not broken up, you'd still be together and taking less. Now, that said, I think you would have eventually figured it out, but in just trying to not re-write or spin here (just keeping it honest) you were taking less - thank goodness M ended it for you. I think the goal for the future is to figure that out yourself and be the one to force him to poop or get off the pot - don't let the guy decide your future. Again, in this case M made a great decision FOR YOU. Now, next time, YOU need to make the great decision FOR YOU.

It's all a learning experience and of everyone here, you are one of the most open to learning of anyone. Still, it's not like you were abused or degraded or berated or anything. So there are still good things about this past year with M. It's not all negative - there were positives. In the end, he just wasn't that into you - and as soon as the dust settled, it was clear you were not that into him!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862137
08/20/19 08:45 PM
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Quote
In the end, he just wasn't that into you - and as soon as the dust settled, it was clear you were not that into him!


Haha - side story: when I was first dating after my ex split, I was dating this guy in Mendocino who I really liked. He however was a Love Avoidant and eventually I put an index card on the visor of my car that read "He's just not that into you" so I could remind myself of that fact as needed.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862145
08/20/19 10:27 PM
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I am humbled by your compliments!! Seriously.

I guess he wasnít all that into me on the end. And I want someone who is all that not me. Like your new man Juju. He seems pretty amazing. He was in the beginning, but not so much I guess as time goes on. Was it me? Or could have it been anyone and he would have felt the same? Going past 6 months, getting kids involved, etc. I wasnít into the game of pursuit and distance. I felt like we had settled into an area where we can say ďwant to hang outĒ without being worried I was chasing, looking desperate, etc. I just wanted to see my boyfriend. And hated that feeling when it had to be on his terms. Iím ok with a ďnah, Iíve got something to do tonight, or nah, I think Iím going to turn in early. Instead I got a lecture about the value of his time, his many responsibilities. Which I was so patient and understanding about. But, maybe I wasnít making him as excited anymore -although a few weeks ago he was talking about all the things he wanted to experience and enjoy with me telling me we have plenty of time to do it. Something did flip his switch, and I truly believe in my heart of hearts it was when I brought up my feelings of being ignored and not feeling like my life is important and needing him. His tune changed drastically then he dumped me.

I also think it became all too real to him. One of the texts I looked back on was when we went away with the kids for the weekend for the first time. His idea, BTW. He became distant and I called him out on it and he told me he was freaked because ďthings got realĒ. And I really think that was the time he began distancing himself.

Anyways. Iím kind of excited to get back on the market. Probably because I donít remember the horrors on OLD since itís been a year. I could only hope to have some fortune like juju, because I have been through the ringer with it already. I think Iíve paid my dues. But Iím not ready because I donít feel good about myself physically. But I think not waiting too long is a good idea so I can bring everything I learned fresh into it.

Maybe another first kiss would be nice. I guess itís a perk.... the excitement again if i have a good date.

I decided to get rid of the shed we were going to fix. Itís the easy part of the project we were doing. Fixing the base was the hard part. But I decided Iíll hire someone to fix the base and maybe put an area for a fire pit there. So I listed it in FB market place groups. He is joined to a lot but I have him blocked so I donít think he could see my posts there. Right before he broke up with me he decided to sell one of his kayaks. He didnít tell me either, I saw it in the group. He called one of the. Single seaters ďmineĒ and he had another single seater for him and double for him and his son. He seemed to be really looking forward to this trip he planned for us this upcoming Saturday ( his idea)

Part of me wonders what he is thinking. If Iím on his mind at all or he just decided to block me out. But again, Iíll never know. We did have good times. We had some really good times. It was good when we were together. I pass by the place we had our first date to and from work. I get sad thinking about how we were planning to go there for our 1 year dating anniversary. He was telling me all the details he remembered from that day like 2 weeks ago.

I donít get it, and it does make me sad. Just not devastated. I wish things could have been different.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862149
08/20/19 10:47 PM
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Ginger - I think a lot of guys know how to act in the beginning. I think they get lazy. Or maybe lose infatuation. Time will tell with me and my new boyfriend. Itís only the beginning but very different even early on from the last boyfriend.

. But I think what we both need to do is be able to walk away if things go south more quickly. It took me a long time with last guy and I needed a lot to do it. But Iím glad I was the one to end it. It gave me power back. It sounds like you are in a good place though considering.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862152
08/20/19 10:57 PM
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I need your help! Stat!

I swear, I canít make this stuff up!

Someone posted something in a FB group about a house fire on the street where M lives. It was really bad, a 3 alarm, the whole right slide of the house is destroyed. And his puggle dog died in the fire. It happened this morning.

Iím freaking out. What do I do? Iím am so devastated for them. I feel like the right thing to do is reach out.

His mom was home but luckily not hurt.

It made the local news

I want to reach out and tell him I saw it on the news and if there is anything I can do I am here

What would you do?

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862161
08/20/19 11:52 PM
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So only the dog was hurt?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862163
08/21/19 12:00 AM
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Only the precious dog died. His mom got out. Thank god. The house and his truck are destroyed.

My heart hurts for his mom. It was his house. And his son lost his other home. And I am sure the ex is going to use this ammo.

I feel awful. I blocked him and sent a message. He of course didnít answer and I donít expect him to. But it was the right thing. Iím just shocked

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862164
08/21/19 12:04 AM
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Wait - this was M's mother's home where he lived???? Are you sure???

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862165
08/21/19 12:06 AM
08/21/19 12:06 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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It is. And I am 100% positive. Saw the actual address in the police call and saw the pictures online.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862167
08/21/19 12:11 AM
08/21/19 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Only the precious dog died. His mom got out. Thank god. The house and his truck are destroyed.

My heart hurts for his mom. It was his house. And his son lost his other home. And I am sure the ex is going to use this ammo.

I feel awful. I blocked him and sent a message. He of course didnít answer and I donít expect him to. But it was the right thing. Iím just shocked


G, not your responsibility, I would only get involved if he reaches out and you are last resort.. he made it clear where you stand in his life.. if he reaches out, offering temporary shelter would be ok, but donít expect a romcom, he needs to figure out whatís next ASAP


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862168
08/21/19 12:11 AM
08/21/19 12:11 AM
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Wow - karma IS a giant f-ing biatch!!!!

Just hoping crazy ex-wife didn't start it, and that he doesn't think you could have been involved.


You sent your condolences now stay out of it. It's sad but it's THEIR business, not your problem anymore.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862169
08/21/19 12:11 AM
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I think the right thing to do is the humane thing to do, meaning contact, keeping right up front that this in no way, shape or form allows him back in as your boyfriend.

capisce?

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862170
08/21/19 12:14 AM
08/21/19 12:14 AM
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Yep karma and I wouldnít reach out but if you do and he responds you canít get sucked back in


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862173
08/21/19 12:17 AM
08/21/19 12:17 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Iím so sad for them. But I no way want anything from him and he I am sure wants nothing from me. He goes into robot mode with this stuff.

He had his house and belongings taken from him in the divorce and now again.

I am looking at the article and there is a video and him in it, his mom and his sister in law

My heart breaks, but I am no longer a part of his life and he no longer wants me there.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862174
08/21/19 12:18 AM
08/21/19 12:18 AM
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you no longer want to be there, remember?


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862175
08/21/19 12:21 AM
08/21/19 12:21 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I donít. I just did love the people who are affected and they were apart of my life for a year.

And selfishly, I was doing so well. And not great right now. I guess I feel powerless. Because I am.

I swear, I canít make this stuff up.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862176
08/21/19 12:23 AM
08/21/19 12:23 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Oh, and want to laugh? The firefighter I dated lives a few blocks away and worked for one of the cities who responded. He could have been on scene

Some days, I feel like moving far far away and starting over

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862177
08/21/19 12:24 AM
08/21/19 12:24 AM
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kml Offline
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He fired you from the job of worrying about him.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862180
08/21/19 12:38 AM
08/21/19 12:38 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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It just came on the local news channel and I had to jump up to shut it off because D11 just got home. And itís starts with ďa dog diedĒ and she would be devastated if she found out it was the dog she loved so much.

Iím not doing too hot.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862181
08/21/19 12:40 AM
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it's ok to feel bad for them. it's ok to reach out . you would be heartless if you didn't feel something. just don't get sucked back in.


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862182
08/21/19 12:41 AM
08/21/19 12:41 AM
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Just remember he was fine before you G....not your job any more


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862184
08/21/19 12:49 AM
08/21/19 12:49 AM
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Yeah he's a grownup making grownup decisions about his life - including dumping you. If that means he doesn't have a supportive companion for this period in his life, HE CHOSE THAT. He'll deal with this as an adult on his own which is HIS CHOICE.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862185
08/21/19 12:57 AM
08/21/19 12:57 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I hate being an empath. A 5 year old little boy is going to come home and find out he has no home with his dad and his beloved dog died and all his stuff is gone.

Thank god he wasnít there.

He did chose this. And he doesnít want me around, and I wonít be around. I just feel for them all and itís hard to see on the news from my couch.

Iím over here and they are over there. Nothing I can do. They have each other, they will be fine

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862187
08/21/19 01:07 AM
08/21/19 01:07 AM
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yes there is something you can do, if you believe in it. say a prayer for them.
xoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862191
08/21/19 02:03 AM
08/21/19 02:03 AM
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Thanks for being there for all my craziness. There is nothing I can do but say prayer and go down the good agh I was going on . I liked it there

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862201
08/21/19 04:52 AM
08/21/19 04:52 AM
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Just read a story in the news about a NJ woman who got a booty call at 3 a.m., showed up at the giy's place. He'd fallen asleep and didn't answer the door or the phone. So she went and got some gasoline and set his place on fire! Sorry for the dark humor but couldn't help thinking if M for a minute.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862216
08/21/19 11:07 AM
08/21/19 11:07 AM
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G......if this would have happened while you were still together would you have moved them in your place? Would you have done considering the status of your R?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862218
08/21/19 11:30 AM
08/21/19 11:30 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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KML, I read that too! b!tches me crazy here in NJ!

J- if we didnít break up would I have moved them in? Well, if I had bigger than a 2 bed 1 bath, I wouldnít even hesitate. They have somewhere else to stay where everyone can fit very comfortably. But my door would be open. My basement would be open for any storage. I would have ran out of my job to be with them.... I was seriously invested in this even though I wasnít happy in the relationship. I seriously loved him and his family.

I also know that if we were together still, our R wouldnít have survived this. He would have shut down completely, told me he had to break up with me then. Itís weird how things happen. He wasnít even going to tell me until this week when he could see me in person.

I didnít sleep much last night. My friend and cousin think itís funny, call it karma and make jokes about the police coming to question the jilted lover. I donít think itís so funny. A dog that was a family member died. A boy who needs stability is coming home from vacation to find his dog dread, all of his stuff at his dads gone along with his toys. His bike he loved. Big things to little kids. I know his mom is going to mess with custody now and take this as a golden opportunity. He starts kindergarten and wonít even have his other home. His mom is out on workers comp doesnít have a husband, and that was her house. Her memories were in there. And she really loved that dog. I imagine if she had 2 good wrists she would have picked her up and carried her out but she couldnít.

And M. I donít know how this fire happened. But I do think something was left burning giving the time it happened and the place. I pray not. But to live with the guilt of all this and the coming downfall from his ex, to lose his beloved dog.....maybe this is an eye opener, who knows. But I can feel what he must be feeling. I canít help but feel for him.

He never answered and I suspect he will never respond. And thatís fine, I didnít expect anything.

I just wish I didnít have the ability to take on others pain. Really, being an empath [censored] .

I browsed around POF last night, curious whatís out there. Oh man. Couldnít find one single guy I would be interested in. I have a feeling Iíll be single for a while.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862219
08/21/19 11:40 AM
08/21/19 11:40 AM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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I think it would have made things worse. I donít wish what happened to him and his family on anyone so I do understand your concerns. He is a big boy though and it as cruel as it may sound it is their situation to deal with.

On a side note I would try the paid dating sites.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862236
08/21/19 01:55 PM
08/21/19 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, if I had bigger than a 2 bed 1 bath, I wouldnít even hesitate. They have somewhere else to stay where everyone can fit very comfortably. But my door would be open. My basement would be open for any storage. I would have ran out of my job to be with them.... I was seriously invested in this even though I wasnít happy in the relationship. I seriously loved him and his family.


The problem is not what you would have done...

The problem is that he wasn't willing to do the same for you...

Stop second guessing yourself on this.....



Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also know that if we were together still, our R wouldnít have survived this. He would have shut down completely, told me he had to break up with me then. Itís weird how things happen. He wasnít even going to tell me until this week when he could see me in person.



You don't know that.

IF you were still together, that would mean that he could have provided YOU with all the above.

He couldn't , wouldn't, and can't..




Originally Posted by Ginger1

My basement would be open for any storage


I had a solution for you, and you said no : )

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862245
08/21/19 02:42 PM
08/21/19 02:42 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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Goodness, G, I'm so sorry. You are right that you just can't make some stuff up. I'm not sure I, personally, would say it is karma, but it is an awful situation for M, his mom and his son. I'm sure it is a great loss for all of them.

I think you did right in reaching out, even if he never acknowledges it, because in reaching out, you were being true to who YOU are. I agree with everyone else who said it was probably a good thing. But honestly, (and I'm so sorry this is going to sound b!tchy on my part, but I don't know how else to say it), even if every single person who responded had so oh no, wait, G, don't reach out, it isn't a good idea, would you have ignored us all and reached out anyway? I suspect you would have because you felt it was the right thing to do to reach out and you know what, if you felt that, then it was the right thing to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

M chose a path and when he chose it, he invited you to no longer be a part of it for whatever his reasons were and now he's left to deal with everything that happens to him without the strength and support of a good woman who would have most assuredly stood by him and helped him through the devastation. That is all now his to deal with because as someone else pointed out, he fired you from that "job". You reached out, now carry on with the getting over him and looking to your future.

Some of what you fear for him is pure speculation. It is bad that his dog died, that his son will be devastated, that his mom lost her memories tied to the house and belongings, that they all are out of a place to live, but you don't know that his XW will use that as leverage where his son is concerned. She may well do that, but my thing is, in light of all the drug usage you have pointed to recently, if she wanted to nail him, it would seem that she would have a LOT more to get him on than an accidental housefire. Does that make sense? Maybe she doesn't know about the drug usage, but if she doesn't, that is particularly telling to me as well.

Go ahead and grieve your loss of what might have been and even grieve for his and his family's loss due to this house fire, but as I keep saying, do NOT unpack and live there. He made a choice to exclude you from worrying about him, so don't. (Yes, easier said than done....totally get that, as a worrier myself.)

As far as OLD, don't be in such a rush. I get J9's point about trying paid sites as you might have better luck, but honey, if OLD up north is anything like it is down here, it is a crap shoot, at best. Take your time, grieve, lick your wounds and work on yourself. You got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you ever decide you want to move South, let me know and I'll hook you up with my best friend. He's a great guy and he would give you all the love and attention you desire.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862262
08/21/19 04:13 PM
08/21/19 04:13 PM
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kml Offline
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I don't know what it's like in your area but several years ago when I was OLD it seemed that OKCupid had much more hip, tech savvy people and POF was more people who weren't quite as in step with the times. Certainly I'm sure these days there's probably not many young people on either, they've probably all moved to newer platforms. So consider looking at newer platforms. Paid sites like Match may have weeded out some of the frank scammers but otherwise seemed to offer the same people in my neighborhood as the free sites when I looked - again, younger people like yourself seem less likely to sign up for Match. I do like the OKCupid matching algorithms as they ask a LOT of questions and in my experience, people who were a high percentage match for me did seem to be compatible.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862271
08/21/19 04:55 PM
08/21/19 04:55 PM
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Having nearly 25 years in as a firefighter, even though I was a much, much better paramedic and firefighting just came with it, knowing the common causes of fires, and reading between the lines... I know what you are thinking. It certainly is a possibility but several neighbors heard explosions, and a vehicle was totally destroyed - the source could very well be the vehicle. They may never determine it and also having worked with a large variety of fire investigators - a guess is often the best they can do - even though their guesses carried some level of authority.

For sure if the X wants to get M, force a drug test. That would do it faster than anything.

I really hope you will give it some time - at least a few months - before dating - especially OLD. Nothing good will come from doing it now. You are still grieving and the lure of having someone - anyone - will be far too great. It's been said it takes 1/3 of the time together to 100% get over someone (until the 10 year point). So give yourself a few months. Do what you said - what I've heard you say for years now - get back in shape, stick to a regular exercise plan, eat right. We've talked about actions over words. You've been saying these words for a long, long time now - it's time for action and let the dating follow after that.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862277
08/21/19 06:13 PM
08/21/19 06:13 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Such good points as always. He couldnít provide to me what I would have provided to him. It would have been another one way street. Which is no good.

I would have sent it anyways and I donít regret it. It was the right thing for me. And I havenít gotten a response and I donít care for one. I havenít even been checking my phone for it.

I can only speculate and maybe itís not fair to speculate that he caused the fire on accident. Thatís an awful speculation. I hope they show that isnít it but he might be thinking it himself. I got myself an inside with a firefighter who is going to find some stuff out for me.

Of course canít stop thinking about his son. He will come home to find out his dog is dead, his fish are dead, his house is destroyed AND his bonus mom and bonus sister are out of the picture. He doesnít know that yet.

So so so sad. I want to be there for the boy. I canít.

I am pretty sad today. But I am back on track. Iím pretty tired though.

Oh, and I wore a maxi dress today and a bunch of people told me I look beautiful .

Except the one housekeep on our unit. She asked me if I was pregnant. I told her ďnope, just fatĒ

You win some, you lose some, I guess

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862285
08/21/19 06:45 PM
08/21/19 06:45 PM
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DonH Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Except the one housekeep on our unit. She asked me if I was pregnant. I told her ďnope, just fatĒ


OMG Ginger - this is why i love you! Totally awesome response - especially off the cuff like that. Some people are too stupid to even know they just got burned and put in their place - let's hope she figures it out! Perhaps adding "But thanks for noticing" would have put the cherry on top!

FWIW I likely would have sent the text as well. But then I also would have answered - at least with a quick thank you. I'm often friends with those I've dated. I've loved only three or four - maybe five, and don't really keep in touch much with them but I would not hesitate to reach out in time of need like this. The only downside is you had him blocked and now you don't. You were really not thinking of him and now you are. You knew that keeping him out of sight and out of mind was best and it was working well for you. The fire kinda killed that for you. Perhaps block him again by this weekend? Not even a response, however, speaks to who he is.

I also didn't stop to think about his son and him not knowing about you and D11 being out of his life yet either. Yeah, that stinks for him, and it's again why bringing kids into the picture can be so difficult - but in this case, after nearly a year, it was totally appropriate to do - at least from your end - M perhaps should not have knowing what he may have known deep down. While it's a life lesson and those often make us who we are, it's a tough one for a little boy.

Does D11 know what's all gone on yet?


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862299
08/21/19 07:25 PM
08/21/19 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Such good points as always. He couldn’t provide to me what I would have provided to him. It would have been another one way street. Which is no good.

I would have sent it anyways and I don’t regret it. It was the right thing for me. And I haven’t gotten a response and I don’t care for one. I haven’t even been checking my phone for it.


I know you would have sent it even if every single person suggested not to, which again, just speaks to your true, loving, caring, considerate nature. It isn't a bad thing at all, just an observation.

Originally Posted by Ginger
I can only speculate and maybe it’s not fair to speculate that he caused the fire on accident. That’s an awful speculation. I hope they show that isn’t it but he might be thinking it himself. I got myself an inside with a firefighter who is going to find some stuff out for me.


I get why you would speculate in that way, truly I do. And, while you realize it is an awful speculation, it is grounded in a bona fide reason for thinking that way, so I really get it. But, why do you need someone to find stuff out for you? To what end? It isn't going to change the outcome and while you are sad about the whole thing (understandably so), it just isn't yours to fret over anymore. You reached out to him and as Don pointed out, M's lack of response speaks to who he really is and that is just not someone you want to deal with. You can feel bad for his situation from a distance.

Originally Posted by Ginger
Of course can’t stop thinking about his son. He will come home to find out his dog is dead, his fish are dead, his house is destroyed AND his bonus mom and bonus sister are out of the picture. He doesn’t know that yet.

So so so sad. I want to be there for the boy. I can’t.

I am pretty sad today. But I am back on track. I’m pretty tired though.


Again, all of this speaks to your lovely, caring, kind nature. You are a good woman and you love strongly and deeply and that is beautiful. I dare say that is a pretty rare quality in the world today. But, yeah, feel those things then put yourself back in the driver's seat and move forward.

Originally Posted by Ginger
Oh, and I wore a maxi dress today and a bunch of people told me I look beautiful .

Except the one housekeep on our unit. She asked me if I was pregnant. I told her “nope, just fat”

You win some, you lose some, I guess


I'm sure you looked beautiful and to heck with that one housekeeper. Some people miss golden opportunities to just shut up, don't they? You, my friend, are NOT fat so don't tell people that anymore. I have seen pictures and you may feel fat because you aren't happy with your body right now, but you are so far from it.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862311
08/21/19 08:33 PM
08/21/19 08:33 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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You all are so kind. Iím not feeling too hot about myself right now, but I am feeling excited to be actively making changes. Like I always say, you should never ask someone if they are pregnant unless you see a head crowning.

I imagine he didnít respond because he is just going through too much turmoil. It was much easier for me to have blocked everything. I am going to stay like this until his son gets home. But Iím not looking for it.

I am generally sad this man I was with for a year and was a part of his life, can really just whatever me that easily. Although Iím not all that surprised. Itís just sad and almost like the last year didnít mean anything or even happen. To me it did. Thatís why I am so sad for all of them, especially his son.

It only dawned on me today in the sad news he is getting, that no more me and D would also be sad for him. Itís a lot of loss at once.

D11 knows we broke up and was very sad but handling it just fine because I handled it just fine. She doesnít know about the fire or the dogs death and when it came up on the news I jumped up and shut the TV. She would be beyond devastated if she found out the dog died. She loved her. We vacationed with her.

Everything just feels so weird. Out of place. Disjointed. Yet Iím ok. This past week has just been a whirlwind and a lot of emotions and really confusing.

Oh, and as far as OLD. I am not ready at all. I was just seeing whatís out there. Doesnít look good. And Iíve had bad experiences of OK Cupid. A bunch of pervs in my area. And I swear, everyone has a gym pic of them flexing. Itís a hard no for me. Bumble was where I met M. I was kind of shocked, I didnít think I would have success there.

Maybe the good lord will grant me my dream of meeting a great guy organically. And he will he divorced for a few years, kind of good looking, awesome kids, a good job, and emotionally available.

A girl could dream, right ?

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862328
08/21/19 09:43 PM
08/21/19 09:43 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I also just realized he may have blocked me and he never got the text.

Thought about emailing him for a minute but probably not a good idea

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862333
08/21/19 10:02 PM
08/21/19 10:02 PM
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kml Offline
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Nope, don't email him. If he wants to hear from you and he's blocked you he'll unblock. Much more likely that he is just in his own sh!t and can't be bothered to return polite messages OR doesn't want to give you any false hope. You did the kind thing now stay out of his business.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862338
08/21/19 10:36 PM
08/21/19 10:36 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Youíre right.

Iím just having a bad day.

But I guess he is having a worse one

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862387
08/22/19 10:59 AM
08/22/19 10:59 AM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Yesterday was not a good day. Today will be a better one. I posted a meme on FB that really hit home .

Terms everyone needs to come to

1) no response is a response
2) if they wanted to, they would
3) not everyone has the same heart as you

And itís very simple but summarized everything.

I increased my dose of my new sleeping pill and slept better. I hate taking stuff but I need my sleep.

Yesterday D11 didnít have cheer because of thunderstorms so we picked up some stuff for her book project, I got her Chinese food ( not me) and we did some stuff together around the house, going to put our pictures up in the cool frames we got. Iím the car, she was talking to her stepmother about her dads 40th birthday party they are throwing this weekend. Yup, heís going to be the big 4-0. It was weird hearing them plan it and hearing of this whole other world. Many of these people I once knew and D11 is shocked because she canít remember me knowing them. I hope they all have a great time. I wonít be seeing her until Monday.

I was dumb and browsed on bumble and matched with this guy and actually sent a message. He has the same name as M, lol. Seems cool. I have no idea why the guys are much more attractive on there, but they are. And I matched with some incredibly attractive guys. But the pickings are slim. Many want more kids or have no kids around my age and they want them. And that isnt happening. Just a little browse.

Itís hard to reconcile being a part of someoneís life for a year and them having completely out in the blink of an eye. That part is tough for me. But I still donít miss him. I canít explain it. It guessing I was feeling so frustrated and resentful in addition to seeing things that would have not worked for the long run. But a big part of my life just disappeared and that left a little bit of a hole.

I may try a kickboxing class tonight. Itís been over 2 years, but why not.
I lost 3 lbs in 2 days. Yay! We had a beautifully catered lunch yesterday and I said no to the cookies and to the most delicious pasta dish ever. I am serious this time. 17 more lbs to go. I can do this.

I just need to believe in myself and what the future might hold. There has got to be a reason why my marriage ended so young and when it did. Why I remained virtually single for 11 years with a few exceptions. Why I never got the chance to remarry and have more children. Why I am without a partner. I canít imagine itís because Iím not worthy of one. I keep hoping that the universe is holding me out for the greatest love I could ever possibly imagine.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862391
08/22/19 11:51 AM
08/22/19 11:51 AM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Hang in there G.....he is actually doing you a favor by not reaching out.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862393
08/22/19 12:06 PM
08/22/19 12:06 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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He just texted me .

ďThank you, we are fine for now. We are staying close by with familyĒ

Now I have tears and that racing heart feeling

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862397
08/22/19 12:21 PM
08/22/19 12:21 PM
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JujuB Offline
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Ginger - google love addiction. Someone I know just introduced me to that term


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862402
08/22/19 12:27 PM
08/22/19 12:27 PM
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Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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DB101 change something.

Maybe you are looking in the wrong places and getting the wrong people.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Cadet] #2862404
08/22/19 12:31 PM
08/22/19 12:31 PM
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job Offline

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I agree w/Cadet.

New Thread:

Working on it


Last edited by job; 08/22/19 12:33 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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