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A Message from Michele
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Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862184
08/21/19 12:49 AM
08/21/19 12:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,887
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kml Online
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kml  Online
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Yeah he's a grownup making grownup decisions about his life - including dumping you. If that means he doesn't have a supportive companion for this period in his life, HE CHOSE THAT. He'll deal with this as an adult on his own which is HIS CHOICE.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862185
08/21/19 12:57 AM
08/21/19 12:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,926
G
Ginger1 Online OP
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Ginger1  Online OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,926
I hate being an empath. A 5 year old little boy is going to come home and find out he has no home with his dad and his beloved dog died and all his stuff is gone.

Thank god he wasnít there.

He did chose this. And he doesnít want me around, and I wonít be around. I just feel for them all and itís hard to see on the news from my couch.

Iím over here and they are over there. Nothing I can do. They have each other, they will be fine

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862187
08/21/19 01:07 AM
08/21/19 01:07 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,826
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Massachusetts
yes there is something you can do, if you believe in it. say a prayer for them.
xoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862191
08/21/19 02:03 AM
08/21/19 02:03 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,926
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Thanks for being there for all my craziness. There is nothing I can do but say prayer and go down the good agh I was going on . I liked it there

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862201
08/21/19 04:52 AM
08/21/19 04:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,887
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kml Online
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Just read a story in the news about a NJ woman who got a booty call at 3 a.m., showed up at the giy's place. He'd fallen asleep and didn't answer the door or the phone. So she went and got some gasoline and set his place on fire! Sorry for the dark humor but couldn't help thinking if M for a minute.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862216
08/21/19 11:07 AM
08/21/19 11:07 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
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TBSakaJ9 Online
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G......if this would have happened while you were still together would you have moved them in your place? Would you have done considering the status of your R?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862218
08/21/19 11:30 AM
08/21/19 11:30 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,926
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Ginger1  Online OP
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KML, I read that too! b!tches me crazy here in NJ!

J- if we didnít break up would I have moved them in? Well, if I had bigger than a 2 bed 1 bath, I wouldnít even hesitate. They have somewhere else to stay where everyone can fit very comfortably. But my door would be open. My basement would be open for any storage. I would have ran out of my job to be with them.... I was seriously invested in this even though I wasnít happy in the relationship. I seriously loved him and his family.

I also know that if we were together still, our R wouldnít have survived this. He would have shut down completely, told me he had to break up with me then. Itís weird how things happen. He wasnít even going to tell me until this week when he could see me in person.

I didnít sleep much last night. My friend and cousin think itís funny, call it karma and make jokes about the police coming to question the jilted lover. I donít think itís so funny. A dog that was a family member died. A boy who needs stability is coming home from vacation to find his dog dread, all of his stuff at his dads gone along with his toys. His bike he loved. Big things to little kids. I know his mom is going to mess with custody now and take this as a golden opportunity. He starts kindergarten and wonít even have his other home. His mom is out on workers comp doesnít have a husband, and that was her house. Her memories were in there. And she really loved that dog. I imagine if she had 2 good wrists she would have picked her up and carried her out but she couldnít.

And M. I donít know how this fire happened. But I do think something was left burning giving the time it happened and the place. I pray not. But to live with the guilt of all this and the coming downfall from his ex, to lose his beloved dog.....maybe this is an eye opener, who knows. But I can feel what he must be feeling. I canít help but feel for him.

He never answered and I suspect he will never respond. And thatís fine, I didnít expect anything.

I just wish I didnít have the ability to take on others pain. Really, being an empath [censored] .

I browsed around POF last night, curious whatís out there. Oh man. Couldnít find one single guy I would be interested in. I have a feeling Iíll be single for a while.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862219
08/21/19 11:40 AM
08/21/19 11:40 AM
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TBSakaJ9 Online
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I think it would have made things worse. I donít wish what happened to him and his family on anyone so I do understand your concerns. He is a big boy though and it as cruel as it may sound it is their situation to deal with.

On a side note I would try the paid dating sites.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862236
08/21/19 01:55 PM
08/21/19 01:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,243
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Mach1 Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, if I had bigger than a 2 bed 1 bath, I wouldnít even hesitate. They have somewhere else to stay where everyone can fit very comfortably. But my door would be open. My basement would be open for any storage. I would have ran out of my job to be with them.... I was seriously invested in this even though I wasnít happy in the relationship. I seriously loved him and his family.


The problem is not what you would have done...

The problem is that he wasn't willing to do the same for you...

Stop second guessing yourself on this.....



Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also know that if we were together still, our R wouldnít have survived this. He would have shut down completely, told me he had to break up with me then. Itís weird how things happen. He wasnít even going to tell me until this week when he could see me in person.



You don't know that.

IF you were still together, that would mean that he could have provided YOU with all the above.

He couldn't , wouldn't, and can't..




Originally Posted by Ginger1

My basement would be open for any storage


I had a solution for you, and you said no : )

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2862245
08/21/19 02:42 PM
08/21/19 02:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,048
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Dawn70 Offline
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Goodness, G, I'm so sorry. You are right that you just can't make some stuff up. I'm not sure I, personally, would say it is karma, but it is an awful situation for M, his mom and his son. I'm sure it is a great loss for all of them.

I think you did right in reaching out, even if he never acknowledges it, because in reaching out, you were being true to who YOU are. I agree with everyone else who said it was probably a good thing. But honestly, (and I'm so sorry this is going to sound b!tchy on my part, but I don't know how else to say it), even if every single person who responded had so oh no, wait, G, don't reach out, it isn't a good idea, would you have ignored us all and reached out anyway? I suspect you would have because you felt it was the right thing to do to reach out and you know what, if you felt that, then it was the right thing to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

M chose a path and when he chose it, he invited you to no longer be a part of it for whatever his reasons were and now he's left to deal with everything that happens to him without the strength and support of a good woman who would have most assuredly stood by him and helped him through the devastation. That is all now his to deal with because as someone else pointed out, he fired you from that "job". You reached out, now carry on with the getting over him and looking to your future.

Some of what you fear for him is pure speculation. It is bad that his dog died, that his son will be devastated, that his mom lost her memories tied to the house and belongings, that they all are out of a place to live, but you don't know that his XW will use that as leverage where his son is concerned. She may well do that, but my thing is, in light of all the drug usage you have pointed to recently, if she wanted to nail him, it would seem that she would have a LOT more to get him on than an accidental housefire. Does that make sense? Maybe she doesn't know about the drug usage, but if she doesn't, that is particularly telling to me as well.

Go ahead and grieve your loss of what might have been and even grieve for his and his family's loss due to this house fire, but as I keep saying, do NOT unpack and live there. He made a choice to exclude you from worrying about him, so don't. (Yes, easier said than done....totally get that, as a worrier myself.)

As far as OLD, don't be in such a rush. I get J9's point about trying paid sites as you might have better luck, but honey, if OLD up north is anything like it is down here, it is a crap shoot, at best. Take your time, grieve, lick your wounds and work on yourself. You got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you ever decide you want to move South, let me know and I'll hook you up with my best friend. He's a great guy and he would give you all the love and attention you desire.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
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