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Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861776
08/17/19 10:50 PM
08/17/19 10:50 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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UR, just saw your post. And yes, you know me so well. And I was confiding in Mach as I was going along and he was seeing what you saw and he supported me, in my R, but saw what you saw.

And I did so many things differently this time I am proud of. I took my time. I didnít rush anything. I went with his pace. I waited to introduce kids. I chose a guy who lived close and was the same age. I thought I was doing everything right. And I did. I didnít ignore the red flags. I was well aware of the red flags. But I had to see this through. I wanted to have no regrets. And I wouldnít have heard anyone until I was ready.

I will always have love for him, I have great memories, but I needed more than he was giving. And if he gave me that and put the love I put into it, he would have been the one. But heís not. And I will survive

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861778
08/17/19 11:59 PM
08/17/19 11:59 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Omg, and yes. My support here and IRL is surreal. The people in my life are amazing. And that should raise the caliber for my mates.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: DonH] #2861793
08/18/19 11:07 AM
08/18/19 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by DonH

Andrew posted that there are a lot of parallels and similarities between the two of you and what happened. At first I didn't see it, but I'm very much starting to. What I see first and foremost is how, now, now after both of you had the other person abruptly break up, now is when many here started to speak truthfully. Why is that? Why did it take the other person leaving? Clearly it's much easier to see things in hindsight. It's much easier to see now that Google or Microsoft or Apple were going to be huge stocks but difficult before they actually were. Same with crashes in the market. It's so easy now to look back and see the tech bubble of 2000 but few saw it then. After the fact we all said we should have gotten out sooner. Is that what happened here? Or did many of us have feelings, gut or otherwise, that both M and B were not the right fit but we didn't want to rain on Ginger or Andrews parade? If not, why not say it sooner? If many of us thought this all along, why did we keep quiet? That's not what this place is for. That said, another similarity and one pointed out by a few already is both Andrew and Ginger didn't really want to hear it or would not believe it or would have excuses for it if we did say anything. I think that's human nature. But another piece to things.


Certainly in Andrew's case I saw a ton of posts advising that he slow down. He did what he felt was right at the time. Personally, I did not feel comfortable being gloves off uncensored Bttrfly here as I am IRL. There are no nuances of tone and body language to soften the printed word. It was clear that Andrew was moving ahead regardless of how diplomatically he was being advised to slow it down.

In G's case, I think people did validate her concerns. Perhaps we got more vocal towards the end.

I haven't been here as long as the rest of you so I def. feel it's not my place to be hardcore blunt until y'all know me a little better, lol. wink

Originally Posted by DonH


On another topic:

Originally Posted by Ginger1
........heís pretty darn high on pot. I am pro marijuana. Recreational and medical. But he is pretty much high majority of the time. He is very educated on it, but he likes to be high all the time. He chooses his vacation spots to pass through somewhere pot legal.


I think this is a big red flag and also may be somewhat telling. What is he escaping? He's clearly self-medicating for something. Often daily pot smokers are not motivated at all, that's not the case with M, making me wonder if he's not ADHD, has huge anxiety or something that he needs to self medicate to calm down and "feel normal." There is also a strong correlation to drug use and not being social. It's a very common sign when people pull away from friends and family they may be doing it to be alone with their drugs. He can't really do that on a date or places with his kid. He's getting away from you to be with his drug. Trust me, I did this ALL THE TIME and from EVERYONE.

Some of you here know I have a huge, personal understanding about drug use. I'm not at all against medical marijuana. Just as I'm not against morphine, or percocet or whatever opiate/opioid but we also see where over-use and daily use of that has taken our world. Thankfully pot doesn't not cause 150 deaths a day but it can be very damaging. Recreational use is one thing but regardless of the drug, drinking a six or 12 pack or bottle of wine a day is not recreational. Smoking pot and being "high all the time" is not recreational. As a medical professional Ginger I urge you to re-think this. I have no doubt most of your thoughts come from your parents and upbringing. It's again normal and natural to believe that what we grew up with and our parents did/do is normal, right and healthy. That's not always the case. While I'm far less pro recreational than I am medical - true medical need - I also don't think smoking once or twice a week and for sure a month, is going to be damaging. But there is no way you are going to convince me and many others in the know that daily drug use including pot use, in the absence of a true medical need and for years on end is healthy. It's simply not. I have no doubt, none, zero, that M's drug use is part of what's going on with him. It's part of this picture. He's trying to escape something he's not willing to face.

THIS is HUGE. I too have experience here.
I'm sorry, had I known this I would have said a lot more, a lot sooner. Someone high all the time isn't living their life, they are hiding from it. G you were in a relationship with pot, not M. The real M is someone deep down under the drug, and honey you never met him. That's not recreational use at all, and I wouldn't doubt if that much pot use affected his libido - there's that piece of the puzzle falling into place neatly.

There's a real uptick in pot use but when you have to plan your vacation around pot, only going to states where it's legal? That's not recreational. Ginger, read this and tell me if it reminds you of M:
"We put their (drug) use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands and children"
"Our whole life and thinking was centered in getting and using and finding ways and means to get more"
"We lived to use and used to live"

Those sentences are taken right from Narcotics Anonymous literature, read at the beginning of almost every meeting. It's a reminder of what our priorities were when we were high. It's read to remind us that using is a dead end, harms others and there's a lot more to life.

Did you ever see M when he wasn't high or when he ran out of pot? How did he behave then? I assure you Don if G had shared this earlier, I would have thrown my diplomacy and hesitancy about my short time here out the window and been very vocal about this topic.

And I will also say G, I'm so proud of you honey for how you're handing this from beginning to end. Seriously gf, you are a rock star. Pray for that sweet little boy as you cannot do anything else. I believe it will help. xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861795
08/18/19 11:24 AM
08/18/19 11:24 AM
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Yes G! Up the stakes!! I am not saying have a checklist but at least have an idea of the type of man your looking for. When you think of that man what does that look like to you? What is most important to you? Beyond looks but who they are as a person, their life. I have always said you generally attract who you are, broken attracts broken, like attracts like. So i would also advocate for you to think about what you need to do for yourself to attract the best possible partner for yourself. That potentially could.be nothing other than to continue valuing yourself and maintaining your confidence.

I told you it wouldnt take too long for your heart to catch up with your head smile

You are so much better for this after reading the other things you have posted. You have a lot going for you my virtual friend.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861797
08/18/19 12:36 PM
08/18/19 12:36 PM
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I just caught up Ginger and just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

So much great advice being offered and you are handling it so well.

I am one of the people that didnít directly stand up and say what I was thinking and you have always done that for me - so I apologize. I worried about being wrong and putting ideas in your head that might not have been true so everything I wrote was written subtly. I worried that I was in the high of a new relationship and seeing things in your situation unfairly and unrealistically.

I do think this is a gift though. Because now you have the opportunity to find someone that will be able to cherish and love you the way you are able to cherish and love them. You can reevaluate your needs and what you are going to walk away from.

I wrote on someone elseís thread a bit about ďsettlingĒ. About how I was advised to read a book about how middle age women should start settling. And my self esteem was so low at the time I was agreeing with it and stayed with a person not right for me - and not only not right but someone totally repulsive.

I feel that the terms compromise and settle get really confusing sometimes. And i think it's worth exploring. Your gut - your inner voice kept saying how unhappy you were with the space he was demanding. You had the choice to either accept and compromise your needs or move on. And you chose compromise because you loved him. But again. Something to explore. Maybe compromise is more for a long standing relationship - not for choosing who to be in a relationship with.

My ex husband is a high functioning addict. He was always looking for fix it tasks and chores to do. He would fix his moms car while she watched son. Constantly found excuses to be away and would do a favor so no one got mad that he was disappearing. I later got to telling myself how acts of service was his love language. Not true. It was his way of deceiving and avoiding people. Maybe because itís easy to get a fix or hide something when your around a task and not a person but you still look good? Ex husband needed tons of space and I thought I was needy - he convinced me I was needy and demanding. (Every other guy I dated - never wanted space from me. They think I want too much space) so I think itís an addict thing. I think addicts are empty and not capable of love or real relationships. You might not have been enough of a codependent to make it work with him. He saw that early on and decided to bail. Again, itís a gift. I didnít know about Mís use or I definitely would have spoken out about that.

Anyway - I am sorry you are going through this. I just know that you will find someone that fits perfectly with you. I think you are (we all are) experiencing these situations because we need to grow and learn from them. - and I know how much that [censored] to hear when you are hurting and in the midst of it. Focusing on all the things you donít like about them - is always satisfying. I think a common theme for you has been making sure they like you and what you can give to them, instead of the other way around. So something else to work on.

Big hugs ginger


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861803
08/18/19 02:46 PM
08/18/19 02:46 PM
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I am such a fortunate woman to get this advice. Iíve been reading it over and over all morning.

Re: the pot. My mother was an addict and her addiction eventually had a hand in killing her. I saw her go to rehab twice in my life, once when I was 4 for Xanax, again when I was 8 for cocaine, and then when I was 21 again for cocaine and she killed herself there. So I know the harm drugs can do and they touched myself closely. She was clean for 12 years although she traded in her drug addiction for a gambling addiction. She turned back to drugs when my dad left. My dad and his wife are an every day pot users. I myself am for sleep sometimes. I hate taking any sleeping pills. Sleeping pills are more harmful by far. M on the other hand is an all the timer. I donít know if he does it before work honestly. But I think he does. He doesnít smoke a little either. And he will never and has never ran out and has all forms you can imagine. I learned a lot from him, lol. He functions fantastically, and is super outdoor active. But it must suppress feelings for him. I wonder how he would do without it. Not well, I would imagine.

Re: settling. Juju, you brought up excellent points and read what was going through my head throughout this relationship and why I kept trying. I figured we canít have it all. I figured an adult love after divorce is different. He treated me kindly, helped me out, didnít belittle me, and we really enjoyed our time together when we were together ( maybe he wasnít,? But I know he did) but as my friend pointed out to me, this is enough for the short term, but not long term. I need something deeper, I need to be just as important and not a convienece . I stuck around as long as I did because I felt absolutely pot committed because of the kids. I felt an obligation to make it work. But I was settling because I felt it to be silly to look for perfection. I figured Iím an adult now and I should take what I can get and not be greedy and ask for more.

And as my friend pointed out..... I can pretty much make it work with anyone. Iím super accommodating. But can they make it work with me? I really have to start looking at what I want and can that other person give it to me? Because what I need and want matters. Not only can I give them what they need. And yes! I always make sure they like me and I go from there. I need to make sure I like them! That is important!

There dumb things that went through my mind that irked me. And I thought I was being nuts for being so picky, but I think they were showing his character. If we were to go through a crowd, like we did in that scary experience at the concert with the storm we had, he runs ahead, doesnít grab my hand and doesnít even look behind for me. I could have been caught behind in the crowd of people trying to get to safety and he would have never known. Then, wait for this one..... once we got out, we were heading for a bar. It looked like another round of storms were coming and I wanted to get there. But no, he wanted to smoke his blunt so we walked around and around until we got to the bar and the storm hit and we were completely soaked. I was p!ssed but didnít let him know. And he didnít seem to care too much. He rarely opened the door for me and would always walk through first....... until we were on vacation and he was teaching his son ďladies firstĒ in my head I was laughing because he never did when it was just us. I thought I was being a high maintenance Biotch , but I think it was just very telling to me.

I slept really well last night, on an air mattress! I was thrilled to see my 2 favorite girls have such a great time. I love that my daughters best friend calls me second mom. We went out for dinner, I actually ate some. Donít totally want my appetite back, but itís probably a good thing. We went for ice cream after. Today is a nice day and we are hitting the beach.

I am still ok. And still freaked out about it. He was a huge part of my life for the last year. I should be missing him horribly. And I donít. I miss his son. His mom. And maybe some of the good times. The intimacy I miss, just laying in his arms as he told me he loved me. But I have no urge to contact him. And I feel kind of bad for blocking him on text, but Iím better off not knowing if he is trying to communicate rather than unblock him and feel bad he doesnít. Iím sure he is taking this time without his son to smoke a whole lot of weed, do some his projects to keep him busy and kayak and fish while high AF. And maybe even go in a date or two. Maybe. But he should have been thrilled and committed to come to my dads and he wasnít, and I had to wait and see if he would say yes or no, knowing it was a no. I think when FF and I broke up, even though it was 3 months, we spent Lots of time together and I felt it worse because of that. M and I did not. So it was probably a good thing.

I just hope I stay like this. I am probably focused on the negative now.but the good was good. I will admit that. In the beginning he was always so excited to see me... wanted to see me often. Told me how he ran out of the house because he couldnít wait. When that stopped and I called him out on it, he told me ď Iím in it for the long run and I donít want to burn out and I need to take care of myself and not be tired for my days with S, sorry, but my quality of time with him can not be affected by us, he comes firstĒ which was such a freakin cop out.

Iíll stop rambling now. Iím going to love him from a distance. Pray for him and his son. Especially his precious son. He is a good dad, but I donít know if he is ready for whatís to come because he focuses on being too perfect. But his son will be sad we are gone. I know he will forget us after a while. I wish M no bad will. I wish him peace. I am happy I got to love him the way I did. It was a new level for me. And I think he loved me in the only way he can

Last edited by job; 08/18/19 04:17 PM. Reason: edited a word and put spacing between two paragraphs
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861804
08/18/19 02:53 PM
08/18/19 02:53 PM
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Oh, and I think Iím just excited to turn attention back to myself. I was being sucked dry by neglect and trying to get him to want to be with me. Itís all about me for a while. Iím super excited to get back on the fitness train and lose this weight and be healthy again. I have been off social media which has been great. I may go back on FB for my weight loss and diet groups. And try not to be looking into everyoneís elseís lives and happy couples, because I have to focus on me. Comparison is the thief of joy. But I have to say itís been really healthy to be off.

I can do this. It all boils down to me kicking my self doubt in the butt. When something is off in an R, I need to not doubt myself. I need to know my worth.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861805
08/18/19 03:25 PM
08/18/19 03:25 PM
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How come you kept the drug use secret from here? It seems like it was a huge deal and I don't recall it being mentioned before hand or at least not to this extent. Did you know there would be a negative or, at least, a concerned reaction?


Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey hey
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: pinn] #2861809
08/18/19 04:12 PM
08/18/19 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by pinn
How come you kept the drug use secret from here? It seems like it was a huge deal and I don't recall it being mentioned before hand or at least not to this extent. Did you know there would be a negative or, at least, a concerned reaction?


I have mentioned it before and a little bit before saying that he really really likes his pot.

I am pro recreational and medical. We all have differing opinions. My opinions are derived from being a medical professional Iíve wrote papers on it in it. I watch a lot of documentaries .

But I realize he almost needs it sometimes. Not physically but mentally. It was fine by me because he is a very productive member of society. But I think it might be emotionally stunting him.

Not my circus not my monkeys anymore.

In other news, my HGB aic came back and I am on the very lowest range of Persia eric. As my family is a family of diabetics, I better get my crap together . Tomorrow is my physical to go over there results and Iím going really talk about what the best way of eating is and if keto is right for me.

Operation drop 20lbs and be in the best health possible is on!!!!

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861811
08/18/19 04:22 PM
08/18/19 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by pinn
How come you kept the drug use secret from here? It seems like it was a huge deal and I don't recall it being mentioned before hand or at least not to this extent. Did you know there would be a negative or, at least, a concerned reaction?


I have mentioned it before and a little bit before saying that he really really likes his pot.

I am pro recreational and medical. We all have differing opinions. My opinions are derived from being a medical professional Iíve wrote papers on it in it. I watch a lot of documentaries .

But I realize he almost needs it sometimes. Not physically but mentally. It was fine by me because he is a very productive member of society. But I think it might be emotionally stunting him.

Not my circus not my monkeys anymore.

In other news, my HGB aic came back and I am on the very lowest range of Persia eric. As my family is a family of diabetics, I better get my crap together . Tomorrow is my physical to go over there results and Iím going really talk about what the best way of eating is and if keto is right for me.

Operation drop 20lbs and be in the best health possible is on!!!!



ah OK.. must have missed it then.

Go get those 20lbs! boom! When people ask me how to get in shape.. I saw it's easy... get divorced! hahaha!


Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey hey
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