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A Message from Michele
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Clearly havenít figured it out #2861662
08/16/19 06:05 PM
08/16/19 06:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,939
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Previous Thread:

Still figuring things out

Sigh. My heart hurts but my head know this is the right thing.

Our relationship was lacking because he never took the time to know me and it was all about him.

But Iím mourning. The loss of a potential family. His son who I dearly loved. And the person I thought M might be.

Last edited by job; 08/16/19 06:52 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861666
08/16/19 06:39 PM
08/16/19 06:39 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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It's ok G your heart will catch up with your head very quickly. I would also not be surprised if he tries to make contact again at some point. I know you are done but I wouldn't be shocked. Dudes are idiots sometimes. Well, a lot of times.

Get back in the gym, get your mojo back, determine what you want and what you won't tolerate and keep moving. TBH you should not have to settle or accept scraps.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861668
08/16/19 07:15 PM
08/16/19 07:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,243
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Mach1 Offline
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Hey G....

You and I have talked a bit about this already...

I think that you have known this for quite a while now. I think that in the back of your mind, you sensed this was coming.

Anytime that you have to advocate as hard as you have, just to be heard ?

Typically isn't a good sign, especially within the first year of a serious relationship.

And I think that you have let your fears paint yourself into a corner with him. Like, OMG, what if I never find anyone that sends me a good morning text ever again ?

What is I never find that one guy to give me what I need, and crave, and snuggle up to ?

And that fear has allowed you to* CHOOSE* to overlook some serious "red flags" flyin over this guys tee-pee. Hoping that one day, that switch would flip for him.

And not totally on you for this, he did make some nice gestures, usually last minute and just enough to save his @ss when he knew he had cover his words with actions.

Nonetheless...

This is gonna sting for a while, no doubt. Yet rarely is there bad without a lesson in life. Something to move you forward from the spot that you were in last year.

A couple years ago, you weren't even in a spot to notice what was happening, and now you saw it, you chose something different. As crappy as that sounds, it is progress....

So, back to what I said earlier. I do think that you saw this, and sensed it even more. And you still made the conscious decision to give it more time, To find out where this was going so that you could have zero regrets. I do feel that if you would have ended this back when you saw flags, you would have always wondered "what if?" with this guy.

And now, you can walk away knowing that you rode that horse until he bucked you. I do feel that understanding that part of it, will help you heal quicker, and move on with a much greater ease within yourself.

Take all of this within yourself. Feel it, and take a step forward today.

Maybe this is a good time to get back to DB basics for yourself. Take inventory of your skills, and hone your template of what you want, and need in a relationship, so that IF this were to come up again, you know where you stand on certain issues.

You know how I feel about him. This guy is emotionally still a child, playing childish games for whatever reason.

So go easy on yourself with this...

Back up and punt for now, but the game will go on down the road for you.

You know where I am , how to reach either me or K...

And our deck is always open for a weekend road trip....

Last edited by job; 08/16/19 09:22 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861680
08/16/19 08:41 PM
08/16/19 08:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Itís funny how I can see all of this in retrospect. And I lie to myself during it. A bad pattern I repeat. Everyone here, IRL has said he wasnít giving enough to you and just kind of showed up when I said something to cover his . That is so right. And I absolutely would have regret giving up early on. I did need to see this through. And I am an adult who knows our kids are involved now and we work with each other. I couldnít imagine walking away easily with all we put into it. Him, he was fine with it. But I hate how I finally see when a guy dumps me how it wasnít working for a while and I just keep going through the same cycle and I need to end it. All my Rís Iíve known something early on was off. Even when they showed all this interest, I knew. I keep ignoring myself and not trusting myself and think it was me.

Mach, you know I had my doubts and I told you what I saw. And all you are saying is true.

He emotionally is a child. Self-absorbed and reckless with otherís feelings.

He wonít try to contact me. They never do. And even if he did , Iíve blocked him all around and the only way he could get to me in email or my house. And he wonít. His type disconnects and walks away. Heís done heís done type. But he may kick himself in the arse when he is in another R and he realizes Ginger was the best thing that ever happened to him, lol. I also think his mom is going to smack him upside the back fo the head. Like literally.

Iím going to lick my wounds. Iím going to better myself and work so hard on this self worth of mine. I wonít change the way I love, but only the person who loves me same way is who gets it from now on. I have to stop the self doubt. And honor myself. Iím going to work so hard on that.

I spent the day at the mall with D11 and friends and held it together ok. I am skipping the birthday dinner because I canít eat and my stomach is upset. My cousin understands. She hates him right now and hopes he rots in h3ll.

My tribe is just so awesome. On here and IRL. They rally around me. Lift me up.they know Iím a good person and what he did was crappy and how he did and with the sudden change. I really hate that give me a bunch of I love youíd, make future plans that indicate long term and then dump me a few days later. But I know what kind of person he is now and heís not for me.

Nonetheless I had a lot of love for him and truly believed he had a lot of love for me. He had love to give me on his level only. You are all right about that.

Iíll be ok. Iíll stay strong. There has been no contact. And I took the plunge and erased all the texts . A year of them with pictures, gone. I took myself off social media for a while. My account is there but I deleted the icons. I just canít everyone elseís happiness in relationships right now. Sounds dumb, but I canít. Iím going to my best to make sure I donít sink into a big depression. Because it has happened before and I canít go back there.

It was his loss. He lost a wonderful loving woman and partner who loved his child. It is truly a big loss for HIM

Last edited by job; 08/16/19 09:24 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861683
08/16/19 08:59 PM
08/16/19 08:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Offline
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Yeah he's an idiot. But he just wasn't up to your caliber.

I'm sending you a virtual margarita tonight.

Watch a funny movie (Superbad never fails me). Play some songs by Lizzo.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861701
08/17/19 12:06 AM
08/17/19 12:06 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,939
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Tha is:) I could use a margarita or 4, Iím doing much better. Less crying . Iím sure Iíll have triggers. But Iím happy I blocked him all around. I donít need to talk to him anything .

Iím thinking Sunday when he was kayaking with his buddy he expressed his concerns to him and they probably had a guy talk and he decided it was over. Thatís when he flipped the switch. Iím sure he was having some thoughts. But he never expressed them to me. Heís a man child who really has to grow up. And Iím sure heíll be right back on the dating sites and probably has his eye on some already . he never got to do the work. He spent his time fighting for his. I donít think he ever got a chance to properly grieve the loss of his marriage and partner. He never talked about that part. Only about his battle for his son. I remember trying to pull it out of him on the way up to killington. He didnít talk about it. Only about losing his house and his son.

Tonight Iím just staying in. My friend offered to do anything I wanted, but I think I need to be alone. There was an incredible sunset tonight with a big glowing sun. Something about it gave me hope. Iím really sad about his son. That is hitting me hard. I always wanted a little boy and we were special together. Before every movie night we would dog big holes in the sand. And when his dad was cleaning up I would push him on the swings. We had a pickle juice joke where he would shake my pickle juice up before we did something big like when it was my turn to bowl. He chose me to go on rides with him at carnivals. He did chose me a lot like that time he wanted to sit next to me on the couch so he could put his head on my shoulder.Nothing will ever take away from that beautiful moment when he said I could be his bonus mom and D11 could be his bonus sister and he ran and gave me a big hug. It was beautiful and nothing like I ever imagined. There are no words for that moment. But truth is, M wouldnít let me into his life like that. Two weekends ago when the 3 of us went kayaking, his son was by the shore trying to catch fish with a net. He was going after one and a school swam up. I told him ďlook, there is a while school over hereĒ M says ďstop! Let him go for the one he is looking for and give him help only if he asks!Ē My back was to him and I threw my hands up in surrender. 5 seconds later, his son says ď Gineen, your Job is to help me find the fish!Ē I would have never had that role in his life. I would have always been told how to be with him. Maybe he knew we were going to really bond. And he wasnít sure about me. But every word indicated he was sure about me. He had chances to let me go when I asked for more time or for his son to know who I was. He chose not to for whatever reason. In our last argument on his birthday he did say ďIím not sure Iíll be able to satisfy youĒ

He couldnít give and that was that. Was it that he couldnít give to me? Or he canít give to anyone? I will never know. But I think itís the latter.

This journaling helps, so thanks for letting me do it. I hope I can find a great connection with someone elseís kids one day and that guy also has the same connection with me.

At least I do know that when me and new guy broke up, one thing he will never deny was the connection. We had that soulmate kind of thing going. But everything else was wrong. And I remember how I grieved his daughter and she grieved me. But I think he might even say to this day although he is engaged, that I was the one he connected with on that level. So not all of them felt like something was missing. One day Iíll get all the pieces right eight and stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Because as flexible as I can be, it doesnít work

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861719
08/17/19 11:16 AM
08/17/19 11:16 AM
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Posts: 3,939
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Because the journaling is helping me immensely......

I am eerily ok. No crying since yesterday morning. Iím sure itís going to come and smack me out of no where, but for now Iím fine. Iím not missing him so much. The good morning texts? Not missing them. Iím not missing his presence yet, probably because he wasnít being so present anyways.

Like everyone in a break up does, I do find myself going in circles with the things he said: did. He sent me a meme one morning a few months ago. It said a few things about actions and one parent was ďif you love someone, tell themĒ with an ďI LOVE YOU!Ē His spoken game was good. His words would have left you thinking you were truly loved and cherished. Right before we left for his trip we were holding each other in bed and he said ďhow did I get so lucky?Ē?, Iím so happyĒ words truly disnt match his actions. When he was his trip ( he may have been drinking) he sent me a picture of a sunset and he said ď come drive up , I want to watch this with you , I miss youĒ he said we will have plenty of sunsets together. Then he was talking about his day trip to Quebec he had while he was there and he said ďI found myself wishing you were there, I knew I would have made you laugh with my commentary of sight seeingĒ he also said I canít wait for the trips we will have together. I mean WTF????? Then all of a sudden something is lacking and you dump me out of the blue.

As I was thinking about this, some things came to light. He couldnít give to me. He couldnít handle my level. I think he felt like he wasnít enough for me. He said to me ď I want you to be happy, and Iím sorry that I canít be the person to do itĒ his sudden change towards me came when I told him how I felt when he blew me off when I was expressing some stress in my life. The night before I said something to him about him ignoring me when I was trying to confide he initiated the ďI love you baby! And he was mostly normal that Monday. After I expressed myself Tuesday he completely shut down and then broke up with me. I am putting all of this together and my conclusion is he knew he couldnít step up and be the partner I needed. He couldnít say as much, just that something was lacking and that I deserve to be happy and he couldnít be the one who made me happy. I think he sensed my discontent and instead of meeting my needs he just bailed.

His words expressed his love towards me. Sometimes his actions did. But he couldnít give me anymore than that. Not because he didnít love me enough. Or something was lacking or missing between us. Because he would always talk of his great love and our amazing connection with me. When we had our argument about spending time together when he was going away and he blew me off for that, he said ď I just took you on our family vacation and it was so awesome, if that isnít enough, I am not sure I will be able to satisfy you.

I think he felt he couldnít satisfy me or make me happy. Thatís what was lacking. And I will tell you now, I donít regret for asking for more and feel like I was asking for too much. Because I wasnít. I was asking for some normal things. But he isnjust so stuck in his own little world, he canít give it. And if he canít give that to me , then we should not be together. I absolutely agree.

But it wasnít me. Wasnít our lack of love or connection . He wanted to introduce me to his son. He knew we would love each other. He just didnít know if he could commit to someone like me the way he should.

Heís going to regret this. I will never know about it, but he is going to regret this. He is going to miss me. I was too good for him. He knew it. And it is truly his loss. Not so much mine. I lost the family and that hurts like heck, because the 4 of us together were a beautiful blended family. That part couldnít have gone much better. But he would have continued to be inattentive towards me only taking what I was giving.

I know he is feeling it right now. I am too, but I do know this is best. I will not deny my love for him. It was real, true powerful, and I loved him more than my ex. And I believe his love was real and true for me, and it scared him. And he ran.

And I canít have anymore runners in my life. I need a man.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861720
08/17/19 12:10 PM
08/17/19 12:10 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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..... and the amazing part of this time around in break up land.... I have no desire to convince him he had the wrong decision, that I am worth it and he should be with me. I always had that urge and have even done so in the past.

I donít want to do it this time. Because I know my value. I am so worth it. He doesnít need to hear it from me. And I think he knows it. He just canít do it. And no amount of love can make some donit if they arenít capable yet.

It has to be this way. Heís right about that.

Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861722
08/17/19 12:26 PM
08/17/19 12:26 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Stay strong G, and you are right he will. He is not capable at this time and I think he really tried. That said I dont think he was right for you anyway


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Clearly havenít figured it out [Re: Ginger1] #2861727
08/17/19 01:22 PM
08/17/19 01:22 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,661
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AndrewP Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
But it wasnít me. Wasnít our lack of love or connection . He wanted to introduce me to his son. He knew we would love each other. He just didnít know if he could commit to someone like me the way he should.

Heís going to regret this. I will never know about it, but he is going to regret this. He is going to miss me. I was too good for him. He knew it. And it is truly his loss. Not so much mine. I lost the family and that hurts like heck, because the 4 of us together were a beautiful blended family. That part couldnít have gone much better. But he would have continued to be inattentive towards me only taking what I was giving.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
..... and the amazing part of this time around in break up land.... I have no desire to convince him he had the wrong decision, that I am worth it and he should be with me. I always had that urge and have even done so in the past.

I donít want to do it this time. Because I know my value. I am so worth it. He doesnít need to hear it from me. And I think he knows it. He just canít do it. And no amount of love can make some donit if they arenít capable yet.

It has to be this way. Heís right about that.
I could sing this exact same song. Thanks Ginger. We're going to be OK.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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