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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861608
08/16/19 12:51 PM
08/16/19 12:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,109
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Dawn70 Offline
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I'm going to have to call bull sh!t on his thing about being "forced" into introducing his son because you "made him feel bad" and he went against his gut on several levels. First and foremost, he's a grown a$$ man and if he feels strongly about something and doesn't want to do it, then he shouldn't do it, no matter what. To say that you "forced" him and "made him feel bad"...dude.....WTF????? That seems pretty wussy if he can be forced and guilted into stuff. I'm sorry, but I just can't even with that crap excuse. He needs to man up and own it. Second, his making him feel bad malarkey doesn't add up with HIM talking to his son about you being his "bonus mom". I'm sorry, but a 5 year old kid doesn't come up with that by himself. And, why would you bother telling a kid that if you were guilted into introducting your kid to someone and spending time with them? Not just no, but H#LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no!

I have to agree with Don and J9 on this one point: I do really think he loved you. I just think he loved you on HIS level, not yours and y'all are on different levels, if that makes sense. I don't think he was ready for an R, but liked the idea of one with you because you are an amazing woman and I do think he felt lucky to have found such a gem. I just don't think he was as capable as he thought he was of giving love.

(((((((G)))))))) I'm proud of you for blocking him and for not reaching out again. Keep it up. I know that took a ton of strength but it was the right thing. You may never, ever know all the real reasons behind why this happened, but as everyone before me said, it is NOT about you. It is about him. He is NOT ready for an R and while it seems colossally unfair for him to do what he did, I don't think he even realized he wasn't ready for 1 until he was in too deep. I think that, in time, you will see that you are better off because your recent posts have NOT been happy ones. You've tried to put on a brave face for us, but you spent a lot of time posting about his distance, him being put off and most recently his lack of skills and care when you reached out needing some validation and concern from your partner (which is exactly what a good partner SHOULD do).

Trusting again will be difficult, particularly given your recent luck, but PLEASE, please, please remember that his actions were not at all about you. I know you want to blame yourself and you will feel bad. Like I told Andrew the other day, it is ok to mourn the loss of what might have been, grieve the man you loved, just wallow in it for a day or so, but do not, under any circumstances, unpack and live there. Just don't do it! You are amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, and you absolutely rock. Do not let this man, this person who either couldn't (or just hadn't for whatever reason) done the work HE needed to do to get past his D and be ready for and actively participate in an R dull your shine. I have suspected for awhile now that he wasn't for you because you felt guilty about asking for what you needed and even when you did ask, while he would respond in the immediate, over time, he would fall back into his former patterns that didn't really work for you.

You are AMAZING, G. Don't let him take that away from you. Stay strong on keeping him blocked. He's not worth your time or attention because you are light years ahead of him in every sense.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2861609
08/16/19 12:57 PM
08/16/19 12:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,575
Southern Maryland
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Ginger,

I am so very sorry that he called it quits. This is all about him and yes, something was missing in him, not you. He will not find another woman who was as kind, compassionate and generous as you were. If he didn't think this relationship would work out, he should never have included his little boy in the mix. Now, there are two children who will be hurting and two adults who will be trying to find their way.

I do not think he was ready for a long term commitment. He always seemed to have something to do that did not include you in it. He had been pulling away for a while with excuses of having to do things. As long as he lives w/his mom, he will not ever understand what it is like for someone to work a job, take care of themselves and their children, as well as keep a clean house. I may be wrong, but he seemed to be distancing himself more and more as time went along.

Whatever his reason, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know that you are a wonderful person who deserves to much more. It's his loss if he can't see what he had.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861612
08/16/19 01:12 PM
08/16/19 01:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,005
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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And he better have a really good reason for living with his mom..........just saying!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861615
08/16/19 01:52 PM
08/16/19 01:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,036
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kml Offline
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Posts: 15,036
Quote
something was missing... yes, I'd agree with that, and what was missing was an ability to man up and truly be present in this relationship.


I agree with this.

And, as for why so sudden - maybe an old girlfriend popped up. Maybe he's bi and had a thing with his buddy he went out with on Sunday. Maybe he's just a Love Avoidant with a low sex drive. (It never did add up that he was satisfied with such infrequent sex).

You deserve more, G. A smart sexy guy who wants to be with you and isn't satisfied with half a relationship or sex a couple times a month.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861616
08/16/19 01:53 PM
08/16/19 01:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,226
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So sorry to hear about M Ginger. That s*cks big time. I think he recognized what a great catch you are and wanted to be ready for a committed relationship but when things got more serious and children got involved, he realized he wasnít. This just may be who he is and a big part of why his ex and him split up. It would be difficult to be married to someone who has that kind of a wall up. I had a feeling about this when you mentioned that he wasnít going to go with you on Friday because of a scheduled FaceTime call. Honestly...you can FaceTime with someone from anywhere so it wasnít a valid reason for him not to go. Maybe he was hoping that if he kept disappointing you, you would get fed up and break up with him and he wouldnít have to be the bad guy. Donít believe a word of what he has to say re: introducing you to his son. He wanted that to happen. I suspect he was still intent on making it work with you but at some point realized he wasnít as all in as he thought or hoped. Please donít take this personally. This is about him for sure. You are a great catch and you will find someone out there who not only recognizes it but is ready and willing to be there for you too. I know you are sad and hurting right now but, as you know, you will get through this. Be good to yourself this weekend. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861618
08/16/19 02:04 PM
08/16/19 02:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,081
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Posts: 4,081
You guys are pretty amazing. I know everything you are saying is absolutely correct. It doesnít have to do with me. Thatís something missing with us is HIM, his inability to be a proper partner with someone who is emotionally healthy for the most part. I went through the maybe he wasnít giving me what I needed and put me on the back burner often because he didnít feel enough love for me.

I was the one who wasnít happy. And maybe he sensed that and knew that and thatís what was making him feel something was off.

He is not properly equipped for a true partnership. He says all the right things. But in reality, he cant follow through, he is freakní Self absorbed. I never mentioned it , but when we would talk and I would start to say something about ME he would actually cut me off and start talking about him. Like mid sentence. Like he was never even listening It was always about him. As his life was the only one that mattered. And I think he tried to make mine matter but couldnít.

The hardest part will be his sudden turn and all the talk about how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me and the future planning days before. Itís hard to grasp. Then his sudden coldness.

But I am staying strong. I am not reaching out. There is nothing more to say. And even if he realized he made a big mistake ( which he wonít ) he is not the one for me. Iíll never trust him again. And someone who would do that to his child and mine, is someone not welcomed back into our lives. We are too precious . I believed he was serious when he spoke of how serious the kid thing. And that is total BS about me ďmaking him feel badĒ I know for a fact he told his son about bonus mom. My heart breaks for the loss of that kid. I loved him. But to be honest we do not have the same parenting styles at all. He has never experienced real parenting. And he has this ideal about how itís supposed to be done, and honestly, he is in for a rude awakening. The day he has to get up, get his kid ready for school and put the door so he could get to work, he can come talk to me. He was very fortunate for him to have me in his sons life. I am a great mom.

He lives with his mom because they sold the house in the divorce because it made sense because she has a 4 bedroom house and well, he needed help with his son. Oh, and he wanted to show his son a ďpartnership.

I realize he was willing to compromise nothing for us. Everyone saw that. My friends, my dad. And they all got scared it would be an ex situation again. I was too.

Oh, and on a funny note..... I guess my friends finally decided to say it out loud and mention how physically, Iím out of his league. I always found him attractive physically, probably because I thought he was such a wonderful guy. It turns out I must have my blinders on or something, lol. I tend to look into the soul. I remember once D11 texted a pic with him in it to her friend and her friend said ď he looks oldĒ the hard part is I am left here out of shape and back on the market. He convinced me to not replace my breast implants because he cared so much and it was the right thing to do for me and him. It was the right decision for ME and I donít regret, but why even put your two cents into surgery on my body when you arenít happy anyways? And I will remember how he treated me during that time. Made it about HIM. And his ex wife. Didnít reach out to me the night before the surgery nor the morning before. He stayed with me after but was ready to run out that Sunday.

And my friend made a good point. He should have done this before Nashville! I should have been a single woman on that trip! I am so loyal, I didnít play with strippers whereas single Ginger would have been giving them lap dances. A came up behind me dancing and I walked away. Single Ginger would have had some fun dancing!

My lesson learned is that when my needs arenít being met and it doesnít feel good, that itís. It me being needy. Itís ok to speak up or get out. I am not changing the way I love. I love wholly, I donít play games, and to the correct strong confident man, everything will be ďrightĒ about that.

Thanks for letting me ramble. It helps to write this out. Today Iím off and Iím getting a pedi, then D 11 and some friends and I are going to the mall. Iím going to treat myself to something that makes me feel good. I canít afford to fall in a deep depression. Iím going to do whatever I can to fight it. As much as I know I wasnít happy, I didnít see this coming and with what we had invested I thought we would work through it. But he had other plans and I need to just say goodbye

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861619
08/16/19 02:30 PM
08/16/19 02:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,181
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LH19 Offline
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First off ďplaying with strippersĒ made me spit coffee through my nose. Thanks lol.

Sounds like a narcissist. Youíre so much better then that!


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861621
08/16/19 02:31 PM
08/16/19 02:31 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,303
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Drew Offline
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Drew  Offline
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100%

smile


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861623
08/16/19 02:40 PM
08/16/19 02:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,024
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,024
NY
Oh my - just catching up, (((((HUGS))))).

I have no words to add to all these amazing posters who are giving you great advice.

All I can do is send LOVE and tell you that you are a great person who deserves better.

And I was just talking to someone on the phone who sends her own ((HUGS))).

Love ya girl!!


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861629
08/16/19 03:10 PM
08/16/19 03:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,081
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
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I was just looking at my post from a week ago where I said I see a real future with him and Iím excited for the years to come. I feel so dumb. I think I was probably fooling myself. I do that a lot

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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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