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A Message from Michele
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We interrupt your normally scheduled life... #2861572
08/16/19 03:10 AM
08/16/19 03:10 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 469
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Yail Offline OP
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Yail  Offline OP
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...for a TRANSITION period.

Former thread found here.

Overview:

Yail: 34 yo female
W: 45 yo female
Together: 10 years, married 1 (well...approaching 2 "technically")
BD: Spring 2018, followed by tense summer
W moved out of state for new job: October 2018
W asked for D: November 2018
Current: House sold, Yail is moving to an apartment. Still no legal paperwork, but it has been discussed and will likely revolve around sale of house.


I'm awaiting my transitional roller coaster. Not a roller coaster from W, but one from life. The house sold quickly, and W gave me less than a month's notice that I needed to leave. So I need to be out by August 25th when I had planned on October based on multiple prior conversations.

Could I fight it? yes. And I considered it and consulted my lawyer. But by the time it came around to court I'd be in my new apartment anyway, and it would just rack up costs and waste everyone's times. So once again I must "play nice". But I do agree it would be a waste of time to fight this.

So I had an apartment for October in line. I reached out to my soon-to-be landlady, and the current tenant can move out early (yay!) so I can move in at least by September 16th. There's a possibility she will be gone by September 2nd, it's just not confirmed yet (double yay!).

I may only have a 9 night gap in housing, in which case I will stay with my dear friend. If it is longer than that I'll need to find alternate arrangements because I don't want to jeopardize a friendship by overstaying my welcome. I adore my friend, but we tend to fight over dumb stuff. Opposites attract? she's a great friend and stretches me. But living with her would be a whole different ballgame!

So now I'm packing the house. I swore I wouldn't do this by myself or do W any favors. But know what? I'm selling furniture she'd be putting in the dump. I just can't stand things being thrown away when they have a good use. I don't care about the money, I just really care about the environmental impact. So yes, I'm taking care of things I swore I wouldn't. But it makes me feel better, so I figure it's okay because I'm doing it for me.

I'm intrigued my my new apartment. I don't know if I love it or hate it. I think I'll have to see once I'm in it. I live in a college town, so rent is HIGH. And I found a place in a highly desirable neighborhood, so it's a bit "eh" in terms of condition and aesthetic. But I think I can make it work.

In Fall I have one more class for my Web Programming Certificate. In January I think I'll start my Masters and get an MBA. I'm pleased with my decision.

I also may need to get a second job, as my budget will be tight with the new apartment. An extra $150/month would do wonders for me, so I'm sure I can find something.

Everything feels hopeful and up in the air. I don't know what's next. But this is my transition time, and I'm walking in to it with my eyes wide open with wonder.

Last edited by Yail; 08/16/19 03:10 AM.
Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2861595
08/16/19 11:36 AM
08/16/19 11:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
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AnotherStander Offline
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Hey Yail, haven't checked in for a while, very sorry to read about your recent struggles but I really love the vibe towards the end of your last thread, sounds like you're sorting through things and finding yourself! Hopefully now that the house is sold and once you get moved into a new place you'll quickly settle into your "new normal" and feel more secure. Until then there's probably going to be more frustration and anger and resentment, just remember to let it out and not bottle it up! You can do this!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: AnotherStander] #2861597
08/16/19 11:56 AM
08/16/19 11:56 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 469
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Yail Offline OP
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Yail  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 469
Thank you AS! In the grand scheme of things I'm feeling GOOD this week. After the initial shock that I was kinda (*bleeped*) over with the quick sell date I got to work ironing out my life. I can do this.

It's about a week until classes start on campus, so work is all buzzing with excitement of a new year and a new class. That's such a great vibe to be surrounded by. It's exciting, it's fun, there's a lot of teamwork and good communication happening. So while it's bad timing to move because I'm busy, it's also good timing for a move because I'm in a very positive mental place. That makes a big difference!

Also I've put out my need for temporary housing to a few folks on campus I'm close to. I've been blown away by the responses. People truly want to help me out. Offering space at their own homes, asking friends, making inquiries. I feel so loved and cared for. In the past I would have never shared that I was looking for a place to stay. I would have been embarrassed, or felt it was private and I shouldn't talk about it. I'm trying to open up my life and it feels really good.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2861696
08/16/19 11:25 PM
08/16/19 11:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 469
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Yail Offline OP
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Yail  Offline OP
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FS, I wanted to respond to your note. You always know JUST what to say. I can honestly say I've missed you on your hiatus! Glad you popped back in though. I know we can't all be here forever, but it's just so nice to have a friendly face.

Some of what you wrote was just so spot-on. You really hit it.

About the house:

Originally Posted by FlySolo
And then it was just yours. The place where you broke down. The place where you healed. And part of that healing process is making your home your sanctuary. The place where you started to feel safe again, where you shut off the world and turned inwards.


I did feel exactly this way. I transitioned. It was a place I hid in when it was too much to bear. Then it was a place I felt safe in. And now I am becoming so strong, and I am okay to leave it. I can't grow here anymore. So while I am sad to leave this house, it hasn't been "our" home in nearly a year. I'm ready for a home again. I will certainly miss my neighbors though - they're wonderful people. I hope to see them around town.


And about my feelings:
Originally Posted by FlySolo
There is also a perceived lack of control. ... The same lack of control you felt when she left.


I have always had issues with control. I've always been fully in control of myself, and I expect a certain degree of control in my surroundings. I am learning to let this go, and to let come what may. I have come to embrace and laugh in the chaos. This is perhaps the biggest lesson of all for me. My desire for "happily ever after" isn't enough to manifest it.

I notice my own growth as W and I volley the occasional logistical email back and forth. When she has a plan that contradicts mine I no longer get worked up. Some things are her decisions to make, and I need to allow that. Similarly, when there is something I need to speak up for I do so. I control only myself. Before I needed to control the "situation" (if I say ___ in ____ way, will she react with a _____ emotion and then I can do _____". No more. I have no more emotions when she emails or texts. I feel I am truly letting go.


Originally Posted by FlySolo
I got a second piercing (on my ear) and am also thinking of getting another tattoo. I saw on a shirt with "we are the grand daughters of the witches you weren't able to burn" and I am thinking of getting that tattooed down my right side. My H would go ballistic but, f him.


YEEESSSSS. I love that quote, I've seen it around. I still plan on getting a bouquet of flowers on my upper thigh. But if I did get a quote, I think I'd go with "What didn't they do to bury me/ But they forgot that I was a seed".


******

In other (silly, non-W related) news...

* I'm playing a frantic game of "Eat down the pantry" before the move. Today was a winner. I had a ton of cheese from Italy (from my farm I worked at. It had been vacuum packed and recently opened). Also had some phyllo dough. some asparagus. Bacon. So I made the most amazing tart for dinner. Also goat cheese/fig/phyllo desserts. I'm feeling very spoiled.

I forgot how much I like to cook. Perhaps I will return to cooking in the Fall. It was too emotional to cook beautiful meals for only one person last year. I think I'm back.

* I connected with a local classical musician I used to work with and only knew casually. She had some business at the college I work for. What fun conversations we had! Yet another potential friend out there in the world that just solidifies the fact that I actually am a social person at heart. I had no idea.

*Ahh, the cutie at work. I realized it's only when she is by herself that she is slightly flirty. She's completely dead-pan and business-only when there is anyone else around. I find that telling, but I don't know what that's telling. I'm intrigued, but not so desperately crushing as I was before. I feel normal around her these days. Still wouldn't mind a bit more though.

* I am expertly avoiding and procrastinating at packing just because packing is no fun at all. That's why there's a long update. I'd much rather eat my goat cheese tart and play on the computer.

Well, boo. I don't think I can procrastinate much more. I have so much packing to do and positively zero desire to do it. Onward!

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2862150
08/20/19 10:47 PM
08/20/19 10:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 469
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Yail Offline OP
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Yail  Offline OP
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Posts: 469
It is moving week. Also Orientation on campus (work) which is one of the biggest events of the year. So Yail is a bit overworked, over-caffeinated, over-sugared, and under-slept. A recipe for stress, but I think I'm doing okay considering all that's going on.

Although, I just bought a ton of ice cream and donuts to bring to work tomorrow "for my students". Yeah. Ok. They're for me. I'm just gonna share.

I still don't know if I can move into my new apartment by September 2nd vs September 16th and that's a major stress to me. I reached out to my landlord to check-in, but no response yet. So I'll be couch-surfing for a while, and I just don't know how long. That kind of thing makes me really anxious. If I could get a confirmed September 2nd move-in I would be SO happy.

I had movers come yesterday and move the furniture I am taking into storage. For those of you that are working decently amicably with your STBXS: I suggest using "Google Sheets" to divide petty assets such as furniture. I made a list of what was in each room, and split it into "I want" "I'm considering" and "Don't want". I then shared it with W and we negotiated a few items. The good thing about Google Sheets is it is trackable, so you can see who made what edits at what time. She emailed that she approved of all the furniture I wanted, so everything was in writing. I feel good about that.

Here's one thing that has me oddly upset:

I tried to sell some stuff on Craigslist to help get rid of furniture I knew W wouldn't want. It's stuff she had gotten second hand in the first place. She has been gone for 10 months, most of it no-contact, and hasn't mentioned these pieces at all. She has taken most all that she wants, and has let me know that she won't be taking much else, and she let me know what she does want. I let her know I was trying to get rid of "extra" stuff she wouldn't want by finding new homes for it so it wouldn't end up in the dumpster. W has a tendency to dispose of things she doesn't want.

The response surprised me a bit. She said she realized that 80% of the house is stuff she has accumulated through the years (true) and it was her responsibility to get rid of it. She asked that she have the opportunity to do so, and that I not give it away - that she will.

Well, that makes it easier for me.

I was surprised by her stance. I really thought she'd want it all gone so she wouldn't have to deal with it. Before this communication I had committed 2 pieces of furniture to Craigslist buyers. I now feel incredibly guilty about this, and I shouldn't! She has given me 2 weeks notice to be out of the house, and I'm trying to help and have asked her multiple times what she wants from the house. She kept saying "you tell me what you want first". So she has no desire for these pieces. But I feel bad that I didn't check with her before selling. Why do I feel so guilty about this stupid thing!

And I'm leaving the cash for her. She bought them, she can have the $40.

Here's the other thing that's bugging me:

I don't know who will be with W here in the house as she is doing her final clean out. All of my stuff will be gone, so I don't have to worry about anyone rifling through my things except for maybe a suitcase of clothing. No one will touch my stuff. Plus, I need to remember this is legally W's house, so I can't dictate who is here and who isn't on the very weekend that it is changing ownership. This is not my house. I need to remember this. It is no longer my home.

But I'm sick to my stomach with the idea that OW might be in the house to help W move. That's the one thing that still has me crazy about this whole thing - anything to do with the OW. It sends me to the brink of tears and a gut wrenching feeling.

W is gone and I am mostly okay with this. Letting her go is easy when I know I will not run into her around town. I live my life as I please. I'm even a little relieved that I won't run into OW around town since she moved to (presumably) be with W. I'll take that silver lining. But the thought of her in MY HOUSE has me enraged.

But I don't think I should ask or dictate to W that I don't want her in the house. I think seeing as Saturday is my LAST night here, what would that accomplish? I think it would only pull up emotions, start a fight. I don't want to fight. I want her to go away so I can continue to heal, and remember as much good about our R as I can.

So maybe my solution is that I make Friday night my last night in the house. Maybe I ask if I can stay with my brother on Saturday, and then I won't have to worry about it. If I don't come back to the house I don't need to care who is in it.


Sorry for the rambling all, these are the thoughts in Yail's brain these days. This weekend will be one giant leap forward. Then into my new apartment will be the other part of that leap. And lastly, the D. Whenever W gets around to filing. I'm hoping for some clarity on that this weekend as well.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2862680
08/24/19 08:27 PM
08/24/19 08:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 469
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Yail Offline OP
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Yail  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 469
Today is my last night in the house. I'm wrapping up packing.

I have done two smart things.

1) I went to an event on campus last night so I wouldn't spend the night sad in my big empty house. This was a great idea, even though I felt like such a total dork showing up by myself to an event intended for students. I was encouraged to go by a few other staff people, so I felt invited. The program was funny, engaging, and kept my mind off of my current insanity. I was laughing out loud. I also got to talk to colleagues from campus, so a bit of social time. It was a very good push for me in my social life and I'm pretty proud of myself. I woke up today in a good mood.

2) I asked my family to go to the Fair with me tonight. I know it's a rough day for me. Leaving this house, the last bit of our R, is hard. So I need to have fun with my loved ones. I know this will keep me positive all the way through the end.

I saw W today as we discussed a few items to divide. I was shocked (but don't think I showed it) to see she has an engagement ring on her finger. I think she knows I saw it. she was keeping her hand in her pocket a lot. So not only did she leave me less than a year ago, but she's also apparently engaged to OW.

This did anger me and make me kind of sad. But not in a "I want her back" kind of way. I'm mourning what we could have had. But I don't want this person I see - I don't know her. She isn't attractive to me. And I think the fact that she's (likely) engaged before even being divorced or even separated a year shows she's in crisis. I mean, dating? Sure I kinda can see that since we've been separated 10 months. I myself am on the cusp of considering what dating might look like, but I'm not there yet. I know I'm not there yet.

I think what through me for a loop is just how much of a script this is following. If I had heard this would be happening last November when I joined this forum I would have shook my head and said, "oh no, absolutely not". I knew we were separating, and knew D would likely continue. But an engagement at this timeline? She's known the OW just over a year (maybe 18 months?). This is pure insanity.

So I don't know what comes next. She made a comment "Oh, well it's not like we're never going to see each other again". Really? I mean, I don't have plans to see her. She broke my heart and all I want to do is move along peacefully and in a healing way. I don't see us hanging out - especially if OW is in the picture. No. No thank you.

I don't know how I feel. I think sad. A bit of jealousy if I'm honest. Hurt. A little delirious and a feeling of "Is this even real?"

But I have to also remember that I'm getting through this with my own crush. And while this crush is not my next long term R, she is a delightful distraction with a killer smile and infectious laugh. Fantastic curves. And I'm also not D yet, so am I really any better than STBXW?

Speaking of D, when her lawyer comes back from vacation she'll be working on the divorce decree. There certainly has been no rush. But it sounds like we will definitely be done by the end of the year.

I changed my W4 in anticipation of my new standing of "single". Ugh, this *bleeps* up my taxes.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2862717
08/25/19 11:56 AM
08/25/19 11:56 AM
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Posts: 708
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FlySolo Offline
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Originally Posted by Yail
]The response surprised me a bit. She said she realized that 80% of the house is stuff she has accumulated through the years (true) and it was her responsibility to get rid of it. She asked that she have the opportunity to do so, and that I not give it away - that she will.

This is weird, right? Though theres no point trying to understand it. My H gets very funny when i mention getting rid of anything. At first I thought it was because he wanted everything just as he left it. Like a museum to our life together. So he could step back in whenever he wanted. Perhaps at the start that was true. Now, even if i had not moved/gotten rid of things (and its not that much - the changes are subtle) he no longer fits. And he knows it. So now (and AS is going to rollick me for using the word) it is about control. His and hers. Their need to control their story. It is no different from our need to do the same.

Im sorry about the engagement. The jealousy is normal. Even if you cant see yourself together anymore, even when your thinking of someone else, the jealousy is real and it hurts. That really [censored]. Yail - she left you, she moved states, she lied to you and is now marrying someone else ffs its a wonder youre not so screaming and punching walls. But youre not. That is true compassion and you should be so so proud of the person you are. Yes, shes selfish and weak, someone who would rather run and start from a blank slate than do the hard work of fixing things. But god darn it, even with all that, she has not taken away the truth of you.

The script. That effing script. We see the signs, the trajectory. But it still hurts. Its strange how quickly we can slide from Im not sure this is what I want to barely speaking.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2862723
08/25/19 02:35 PM
08/25/19 02:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,215
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DejaVu6 Offline
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(((Yail))). I know just how you feel. My STBXH was engaged six months after BD apparently. It would be funny if it wasnt so pathetic. He found a soft place to land that enabled him to escape his old life with barely a scratch. He is reinventing himself, immersing himself in her life and divorcing his old life as much as possible. Not too sure how many friends and family made the cut but I dont think very many. I agree with FS...your reaction is normal and also shows a great amount of compassion and class. She has truly lost a lot Yail.

I texted my STBXH the other day that I need him to take the rest of his stuff to his new place...his new life. I confess...I even got a touch cranky about it. Told him I wanted every last figurine, flag, poster, trophy, etc... gone...so it is like he never existed. I then told him I was torn between saving our wedding pictures for the kids or burning them and to let me know if he wanted anything. An hour later... yep was his reply. So once in awhile, I slip. Its hard being human. As I said in my post on my thread... I am not sure I will ever truly get over what he did (which is why me, him and OW will never be friends) but I will get over him.

You are such a class act Yail. I KNOW you will emerge from all of this an even classier act with the kind of qualities many women out there will appreciate. You will find love again when you are ready...and you will make it a great love. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yail] #2862736
08/25/19 05:28 PM
08/25/19 05:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 197
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Yorkie Offline
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Couldn't agree more with FS here.

Yail. I always look for your updates because I think we are in a very similar position and stage. You've moved a small stage ahead with your home move. Hopefully mine is on the horizon. I have mixed feelings. In a way it's my last tie to him. I know I have the children, but they're adults so can do their own thing.

I also know that feeling of contradiction: If I don't want the R anymore, why do I feel anything at all about OW.

For me, I think it's the speed with which H has moved on and is well and truly getting his feet under the table with another family. Looks like it might be the same for you. At times I feel rejected, worthless and insignificant. If someone can walk away after 30 years and not look back, feel no remorse or concern for their actions that must mean I'm pretty insignificant. They're feelings; I try to acknowledge them as such and then use my rational mind to realise they are not necessarily true. It's a work in progress and I am putting my faith in the fact that they will fade with time.

Yail, I truly admire your strength and the depth of your self knowledge. You really are doing so well.

I too have a crush. It cannot go anywhere and I'm self aware enough to know that it's because somebody is being supportive, is interested in me as a person and makes me laugh, I mean really laugh, that I have fallen for them a little bit. There is absolutely no inappropriate behaviour on his part; he is truly just a very good friend

I've been with my H for 30 years and I can honestly say that I have never flirted or considered what it might be like to be in a R with someone else for all that time. My friend yesterday suggested that it was a good sign and because there is no possibility of a R, it was a safe way to explore my feelings as a now single woman and recognise what sort of person I might want to be in my future.

I know my future will be fine and I also feel the same about yours Yail. It's all about us now. Let's make the most of it.

Re: We interrupt your normally scheduled life... [Re: Yorkie] #2862802
08/26/19 08:39 AM
08/26/19 08:39 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 254
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DaB35 Offline
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Originally Posted by Yorkie
For me, I think it's the speed with which H has moved on and is well and truly getting his feet under the table with another family. Looks like it might be the same for you. At times I feel rejected, worthless and insignificant. If someone can walk away after 30 years and not look back, feel no remorse or concern for their actions that must mean I'm pretty insignificant. They're feelings; I try to acknowledge them as such and then use my rational mind to realise they are not necessarily true. It's a work in progress and I am putting my faith in the fact that they will fade with time.


This is one of the hardest bits of the journey. You feel that years in a R would make them think twice about what they have to lose, saying goodbye to, but they'd rather lose it all and think, "I'll be fine. I'm strong. I have my family and friends." etc. to avoid appearing weak in front of their peers perhaps.

I guess the solution is not to get too hung on on that. Distract yourself with GAL and positive actions for yourself.

You're doing this really well. Keep going.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
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