Wow ... I can't believe it's been nearly three months since my last post.
I just didn't know what to say. After nearly two years, there was so little movement it felt like I was repeating myself. A song stuck somehow in the same line. The line goes something like this. I can't go back to the way we were. I am not ready to move forward on my own. This is me. This is where I am. I am OK with it.
In the three months things haven't moved much - except I can truly say I am better than OK. I am really [censored]'g good.
My last post was end of August, so I had just come back from the trip to Greece with the girls. Since then I have been to Poland for a long weekend (on my own). I had always wanted to go to Auschwitz and, as I had a rare weekend without the girls, I booked it last minute. I recalled my H going there a few years back as he had a stop over in Krakow. He didn't tell me after the fact, and when he tried to show me the photos he took, I pretended not to be interested (I was resentful that he got to do something I had always wanted to do). In any case, I went on my own. I walked around, with the headphones provided to me by the tour guide, and, tbh for the most part I felt like a tourist in someone else story. A voyeur taking photos. It was humbling. There were some lovely moments too. A stroll through Warsaw after a late dinner, light rain falling, watching people laughing as they came out of restaurants and bars. It really is a beautiful city.
What else. My life is full. Work is keeping me busy (as always) and I have good friends who I enjoy spending time with. My birthday was in October and I went on a girls night out with some friends and we spent the night pretending to be Beyonce (the phrase here is dancing around handbags - not sure what you'd call it in the US). I also went to dinner and did an escape room thing with friends in London.There have been too many other really great days/nights out to mention. I only want to say that they would never have happened before we split up because I had the girls and it never occurred to me to be anywhere but with them.
That doesn't mean to say I've neglected the children. I just needed to fill the times when I didn't have the children, so I built a life separate to them. And I know now that the life I've been building is worth living.
I've also been trying to do things with the children. Nothing big, we went to a farm to get pumpkins on Sunday and I've planned a halloween party/sleepover for their friends Thursday. We've been into London a few times to watch shows - I found a company that does classic movies but in unusual venues - Romeo and Juliet was in an old church, with a choir and actors playing key moments from the movie, Harry Potter in a studio converted to look like a winters garden full of gnomes. It's been wonderful, but exhausting.
So, things that started out as a way to distract myself from my situation have turned out to be just my life. I wish he was a part of it. It really is a good life and I think it is the one he probably wanted to have - a life full of memories and not just doing housework, running errands, and planning holidays.
But he isn't.
I don't really know how to describe my situation anymore. He is still very much a presence in my life. Apart from the not touching, if you saw us, you would think we were together. The resentment (on both sides) is still there. It rears its head (money, control) but we both push it down when it comes up because neither of us want to rock the boat. He still doesn't ask what I am doing and I still don't ask what I am doing. We do volunteer information more now. I am not sure what that is about. He planned a birthday lunch for me and then said it was his mum (his mum made sure to tell me it was his idea), he asks me to do things with them. He retreats if I do something he disagrees with or doesn't like (e.g. if I say I am going out or I have plans) but otherwise he tries to be more inclusive of me. I think we are moving towards a more positive place, I just don't think that place is one where we are necessarily together.
Sounds like life is going forward for you and you are enjoying it. That's a good thing.
It also sounds like your interactions with H have improved a little bit. Maybe it's not some earth-shattering thing, but any improvement, no matter how small, should be recognized. I think we all get caught up in what is happening at this particular moment and sometimes fail to see that what happened in the past was much worse than what is happening now. I find that re-reading my own posts in these forums help me to see how bad things were in the past, and also to see the incremental positive signs that have taken place since then.
In my sit I'm not even aiming for R right now - I've reevaluated my goals to have a cordial relationship with my W, regardless of how the outcome is. A lot of people here don't like the idea of being "friends" with their WASs but I am determined that I will have at least that kind of relationship with my WAW. (Of course I never say that out loud, but it is one of my goals)
So glad you got to take a trip you really wanted to do.
I don't really know how to describe my situation anymore. He is still very much a presence in my life. Apart from the not touching, if you saw us, you would think we were together. The resentment (on both sides) is still there. It rears its head (money, control) but we both push it down when it comes up because neither of us want to rock the boat.
This is such a perfect description of the new equilibrium that gets established in these situations. Things change, and then they become a new sort of limbo -- still unresolved, but different from before, no better or worse. Things just...are. We LBSs reach a point where we don't aim for R. We aren't quite stuck, and we start moving on with our lives. We even enjoy our new lives in many ways. But there is a wistfulness there too, hard to describe.
I wish I could figure out how to let go of my own resentment. St. Augustine said (paraphrasing here): "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." At the same time, the things I resent are things that would need to change for us to become anything other than co-parents. And I know it's not going to happen.
Really glad to hear you are enjoying life to the fullest as best as you can - it is inspiring.
Unchien - the limbo [censored]. You can't move forward and you can't move back. If I was a different kind of person I would have followed up on the opportunities that the universe has put in front of me. But I am not. I have not yet let go of hope and until I do, any spark of a new relationship will be extinguished at the first hurdle. I wish I could let go. There is not even any resentment any more. Just a lingering thought refuses to go away hat we are meant to be. I wish I could blame him for keeping me in this place, as many have suggested I do. But I can't. More fool me they say.
I suspect the resentment you speak of will pass and be replaced with understanding and then eventually a kind of ambivalence. The person you loved and then hated and then loved again with such intensity will become just another person you once knew. You will remember certain bits fondly while other memories will have memories that still sting. But there will be a numbness to it. You will hear in passing that they have got a new partner, moved in, got married, and each one will sting a little. But then your mind will turn to something else. The weather, the trains, the report you had to do, that good looking new colleague that has just joined the office, and the feeling will pass.
So, in answer to your question on how to let go of resentment, my response would be (and appreciate this is harder then it sounds) to a place of understanding. When she does something that causes the resentment to rise try and think of what her motivations might be. When you come up with a negative motivation, replace it with a positive one. If you can't do that, then take a long breath, try and hold your head up, and wait for a calmer moment to call them up on their behaviour.
For H mentioned to me in the car (with D13 and D10 in the back) that he was planning to take the kids away to his mums holiday place for three weeks (he would be there for ten days and the children would stay on their own with his mum the rest of the time). I remembered instantly how I felt when he did this same trip last summer. He had done a number of family holidays without me (and each hurt) but those three weeks really hurt. So I said no. He could take them for two weeks, but three weeks was too long. I felt his body stiffen but he didn't say anything. At the same time D13 said she wanted to stay at "grandmas for the whole of summer". I felt like the wicked witch of the west. Now, 12 months ago, he would have huffed and puffed, given me a dirty look, and then started saying I was selfish. But all he said was "I was thinking about childcare". I thought about this last night and realised that yes, he was thinking about childcare, he also probably thought about how much the children would enjoy it, and, going to his mum's is friendly on the purse strings. He was not thinking about taking my children away from me. He wasn't thinking about me at all. So, in the middle of a text exchange today, I told him I understood his reasons for wanting to take the children away, I am not trying to deny the children time with his mum BUT three weeks is too long, AND could he not discuss holidays in front of the children until he has checked with me as it makes me look like the bad guy when I say no. He said "OK. I understand. D13 is difficult and that three weeks is too long". No harm. No foul. He respects me a little more for standing up for myself. And I don't hold any resentment for being made to look like a [censored] in front of the kids.
I read something recently that kind of sums it up. "Do no harm. Take no [censored]". It's a balance. But it's possible (I think).
I am of an age when many of my friends are separating/divorcing. I cannot understand the behaviour of their partners, or at times them. Petty stupid stuff. Turning their children's phones off when they know the other will call. Cancelling arrangements at the last minute, posting stuff on social media that their children could possibly see, fighting over every last dime on their financial settlements. Your behaviour during this time will stay with your children for the rest of their lives, it will inform how they deal with conflict and will influence every relationship they have. Your comment re moving beyond being good co-parents is predicated on her wanting to be more. And you can't control that. Be grateful for what you have - being good parents right now is enough, and it is more than what many others have.
"Do no harm, take no [$(*&]" may be my new favorite phrase FS. :-D
It's nice to hear from you. I think I had missed your update a month ago, so I'm glad this one caught my eye. I do wonder how you're doing.
Your words don't say it, but you sound melancholy. The tone is different somehow. Your emotional separation from H ("detachment" - i'm starting to roll my eyes at that word and its overuse) is palpable.
It sounds like you've accepted this space that you're in, and don't feel any need to adjust it. Just living your life and waiting for your own emotions to change in response to where you're at. In time your emotions will tell you to move-on. Is that accurate, or have I misunderstood?
I hope you really are doing well and that the girls are thriving.
You are right, I am a little down at the moment. Work is hectic, the possibility of being unemployed in Dec has been looming over my head (I found out I have been extended until March, phew), I am not sleeping well, and I am now spending NYE on my own. The NYE alone is really hitting me.
Ah, detachment, that old nugget. I've just googled palpable: A feeling or atmosphere so intense as to seem almost tangible . I talk a good talk, but I falter, like everyone else. My H accused me of not having any emotions (when D13 was going through something and he wanted to talk about it) and I said to him "Just because I don't show them, doesn't mean I don't have them. I sit in my room and cry. Same as you". He didn't respond but it did shut the conversation down.
I could go into why I didn't want to discuss D13 (because he was right, we should have spoken about it). But, tbh I feel guilt about being a working mom, for her father and I separating, for starting to rebuild my life, for all sorts of things. I caused her sadness and I can't talk to him about it because if I open those gates, then I will break down.
Taken in the context of what happened those early breakdown days, I now get why he had to shut me out.
Anyway, I am not detached. I hurt. I just hide it better.
The girls are brilliant. D13 is still stroppy and moody but I think it is now normal teenager stuff as opposed to anything triggered by the S. She is still in IC because she still has anxiety issues and needs to work through but overall she is fine. D10 is doing great (she always has been) and the only signs of trauma is that she is more cuddly now.
I am taking the children to lapland on Saturday for three days. It is a dream vacation my H and I have spoken about many times but we couldn't get the dates to work (because of his job) and more importantly, justify the cost. This year, I just decided to do it. D13 is getting older and soon the magic of christmas will be lost on her. She no longer believes in santa, or fairies, or elves, but she still gets excited about Christmas.
I had invited my H to come with us (he is a christmas nut and it had always been him talking about lapland in the past) but he didn't know if he'd be needed at work. Before anyone asks, it was a no pressure invitation. I simply said I am booking lapland and am paying for myself and the kids. Happy for you to come too, but you'll need to cover your costs.
A couple of thing worth noting.
1. For a long time our 'non-children' related lives were a no go zone. We didn't ask. We didn't tell. We still don't ask. But we do tell. Not the big stuff, little stuff like "I caught up with so and so the other day". The inevitable response from either of us is "Oh, that's nice" followed by an awkward silence but I think we are (in our small ways) trying to let the other in. Testing the waters (not for an R, but friendship maybe).
2. He use to avoid any type of physical contact with me. Like a conceptual 1 meter hoop circled him which, should I step into, would infect him with my terribleness. He would walk the long way around the room, sit as far away from me as possible, do almost anything to avoid me. If I accidentally stepped to close, he would sneer angrily at me. He doesn't do this anymore. He often sits on the stairs to take his shoes off, and I wait until he moves before I walk past (in case my leg actually touches him). I still do this. But the last few times he has looked at me like I'm mad, standing their waiting instead of just walking past. The other day we accidentally touched hands (he was trying to open a stuck drawer and had asked me to help) and instead of the stiffening I was expecting, there was nothing. He didn't note it at all. In fact, if anything I pulled back quickly.
Hi FS. So glad to read your posts... like Yail, I missed the first one so am happy I saw this. Sounds like you are doing well and continuing to take the high road when you aren’t feeling so good.
Crazy how fast two years goes by, isn’t it? For me it’s only been one year and I am officially divorced as of Saturday which gives XH the green light to get married to his OW and take a giant step towards having a whole new life without having to face any of the things he has done in the past. Ironically...he is back to being financially stressed and OW has a lifelong medical issue that is going to require him to become her caregiver at times. Her neediness puts him in the role of “hero” so from a psychological perspective, I get why he is with her. It is just sad he had to destroy everything we built to feel good about himself.
Anyway... I work hard every day to banish any resentment I experience (not gonna lie...there are flashes) and focus, instead, on the positive co-parenting relationship we have managed to create. Your advice and the example you set in the early days really helped me get there so I need to thank you once again and let you know how happy I am that you posting again. I look forward to hearing about more FS adventures and how Lapland was. I envy you Europeans being so close to so many amazing and unique places in the world.
Gotta get ready for work. Please keep posting. And...btw...I still think there is a future for you and your H as a couple. (((HUGS)))
DV - so so good to hear from you. I was trying to find your thread to see how things are going with you but failed miserably ...
I've noticed the hero theme coming out in some of the threads here. It is, I believe, a symptom of the transition, but seems to manifests in men who have been married to independent women. It stems from their own insecurity. They marry because these type of women are a kind of reflection of what they want to be - an extension of the image they want to project. But, after many years, they resent our strength because in their (insecure) minds it highlights their weaknesses. It is a strange and self defeating dynamic. It was most obvious in Yorkies sitch, but I think has relevance to your own.
Anyway, my thoughts only and something for you to ponder.
Resentment is hard to banish. Love turned to anger, watered down to resentment. But it starts with love. Remember you resent because you once loved. I think if we can remember the love and let go with love, then the positive co-parenting relationship is much easier to maintain. This is a hard road to walk and sometimes even I still stumble,
Thank you for your kind words. We went through this together and you don't know how much it meant to me that you were there. I would shut my laptop and realise that the words I spoke to you often also applied to me. So, in a way, we were not only supporting each other, I think we were also learning how to heal ourselves. And the warm hugs and the virtual cups of tea were always a god send.
As it's approaching christmas, there are a lot of work related events going on. H has had the kids the last few nights, so I have taken advantage and gone out with friends. Nothing major, just drinks and then home by 9/10 pm. But it's been nice. There's laughter and friendly banter. But, maybe its the melancholy, but I feel separate from it all. An observer (even when I talking) rather than a participant. Perhaps I have gotten too much in the habit of being self reflective !!!
I have however sorted out NYE. I am going to a prohibition themed NYE party with some girlfriends. The tickets aren't sorted yet, but hopefully we will be able to sort it out. They too are on their own (i.e. they are, unlike so many of the women I meet my age, not actively trying to find partners) so it should be a fun night.
One of the men there pulled me up on still referring to my H as my H. He looked at me and said "but he isnt anymore, is he" (posed as a statement/accusation, and not a question). It made me think - why do I still sometimes refer to him as my H and not my ex. There was a moment a few weeks back when H went to say "my W will ..." and then stopped himself and said "FS will" which means he still has to consciously change the term. When I think about it, I actually changed "single" to on "their own" because I am still not ready to say I am single.
Weird, right? I guess when I notice I have started to use "single" and "ex" without thinking, then I will have let go.
