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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861396
08/14/19 08:11 PM
08/14/19 08:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,402
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Dawn70 Offline
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Oh G.....I'm sorry you went to bed upset. It sounds like M just has a lot of work to do that you have already done and you may have to kind of wait for him to catch up. Do NOT stop talking and asking for what you want/need. Do NOT feel guilty and do not be afraid to ask because if he reacts poorly, that should be a STRONG message to you about how your future will be with him. Hang in there and don't chase him. Let him come to you.


Me 50, H51
3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids)
Divorce final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861410
08/14/19 09:07 PM
08/14/19 09:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
Heís just so distant too. I know he apologized for his distance last week..... but he is just so wrapped up in his little world. He texted me something sweet yesterday morning, returned my I love you...... but I can tell, heís just not present right now. I asked for a favor tomorrow night but he has a late job. I said thanks, another time and he just didnít respond.

What can I do? I guess I got to just wait until he pulls himself out of his own world to see what else is around him.

I am trying really hard to hold back and just stay as brief as he has been. Itís not an easy thing for me.

When he comes to me he will come to me I guess. Iím sure he is t going to make it this weekend and it will be over a week without seeing each other. But if thatís the way it will have to be. I have some pretty good solid plans.

I can totally see where he might have just checked out in his M though. When he has stuff to do heís like invisible man. And he rebuilt a house for a year. While his ex was pregnant. I imagine not much existed while he did that. Even though his intentions were to build a beautiful house for his family.

Oh well. Off to haul this grass to the curb somehow before the skies open up.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861413
08/14/19 09:16 PM
08/14/19 09:16 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,499
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Sorry G....I think you will have to determine if you can educate him, 5 LL's, how to validate, etc. or if this is who he is and can't change.

I truthfully would not initiate any contact with him. Respond when he reaches out but don't initiate even let him initiate the plans.

I do think he loves you, if he didn't he would have dumped you by now, ghosted you completely, or just fade to black.

If this is who he is and you can't make him drink the water you will need to evaluate. A part of me feels like you shouldn't be struggling this much 1 year in.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2861414
08/14/19 09:19 PM
08/14/19 09:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,344
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,344
Southern Maryland
Ginger,

I think I said it earlier on...do not contact him again...let him come to you. Right now, he needs some space and time to get out of whatever he is so focused on. He knows you love him, so give him that space for a while. When he realizes that you've not been in touch for a period of time, he will text/call you and want to catch up. Until then, keep the focus on you, your daughter and that cute little pup.

You've got this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861421
08/14/19 10:16 PM
08/14/19 10:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I am definitely not contacting him again. He clearly needs his space and I donít want to be another ďobligationĒ for him. He needs to come to me and want me. He is really focused on NOT ME. So he can stay there.

Iím looking forward to school clothes shopping at the mall with D11 on Friday ( Iím off) and then even though I am the odd number wheel, the eat-a thon in Chinatown for my cousins birthday Iím looking forward to. Saturday to Sunday Iím taking D11 and her friend overnight to my dads for some fun, bike riding, beach, and dinner at a cool restaurant. I did invite M, but he said ďmost likely, let me see where I get with this projectĒ Iím actually counting it as a no.

And because no good deed goes unpunished....... D11 just called me to get her because she hurt her finger in the position I went and advocated for her to have.

Lord.

Last edited by job; 08/15/19 12:31 PM. Reason: edited a word for Ginger
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861426
08/14/19 11:31 PM
08/14/19 11:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,499
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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So G are you finding yourself loosing attraction? Are you starting to feel like you are mentally stronger than M? Is his drama starting to impact you in a negative way? Has your attraction increased since he needs space and has pulled back?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861428
08/14/19 11:53 PM
08/14/19 11:53 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
Very good questions.

Am I losing attraction? Yes, my attraction decreases a bit when my boyfriend is so self absorbed. When he cares, when he comes to me, wants to spend time with me, asks me about ME, my attraction increases.

Do I feel mentally stronger? Yes and no. He deals with some pretty heavy stuff. But I feel I balance much better. I am capable of giving and receiving and living my life even when Iím going through the deepest of poop. So I guess in a way I do. Although I donít know how well I would handle what he is right now.

No. My attraction has not increased since he has pulled back. A woman loves to feel loved, important, like she is a priority, and when I feel like Iím more of a convienece when he has time, my attraction goes down. When he does make me feel like I matter to him , my attraction goes way up. Maybe Iím the opposite of other women.

Right now, itís almost 8 pm, his last message was telling me he would work too late tomorrow to help me and nothing since. I know he is making a big home repair to his brothers place.

I am sad because I had a lot going on this week. So much I would love to talk to my boyfriend about. Canít even shate it with him. He doesnít ask, I donít tell.

I did get all my nasty grass clipping out. I had to deal with some awful cave crickets and other bugs that I am not a fan of. But I did it, and Iím proud of me.

And yes, it increases my attraction when he wants to be the man and help me this stuff. Attraction went down when he said ďIíll try to stop by, but Iím sure you manage itĒ after he made a commitment to me.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861431
08/15/19 12:15 AM
08/15/19 12:15 AM
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Posts: 4,499
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Thatís why you have to nip it in the bud before you lose too much attraction or build up too much resentment. Determine if he cane change, is just going through something and itís temporary or if this is who he is.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861455
08/15/19 09:55 AM
08/15/19 09:55 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,437
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Massachusetts
{{{{{{{Ginger}}}}}}}

No I think you're like most people, not just women. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. there are some guys (and probably gals too) who think that once they are in a committed relationship they don't need to do the work anymore. That isn't true snd only leads to hurt and resentment.

I'm hesitant to say this because I don't want to put any fuel on a fire, but you haven't even been together a year yet. WAaaay too early in the game for this behavior. Just because you're a strong and capable woman doesn't mean you want to always have to be that - it's nice for strong capable women to have a partner to lean on too. Nothing wrong with that at all. Did his wife complain about this trait, do you know? His "you've got this" was in all likelihood meant as a compliment, but not what you wanted from him.

There's a lot that's great about this relationship, so I think it's worth considering how much you want to be the one teaching relationship skills, and how long you're going to give him to learn how you want to be treated.

xoxoxo I'm sorry you're going through this xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861458
08/15/19 11:12 AM
08/15/19 11:12 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
See, when he isnít in his own little world, heís a pretty good partner. Some things might be different than Iíve experienced in the past, but the difference about him is he comes from a good place with good intentions but just may not be so aware of whats going on. I know he canít know what I need if I donít tell him, and I donít mind being a teacher if he is a good learner. But right now I have to step back and let him come to me, so I feel torn.


I almost feel like now that I do know what I want in a relationship maybe Iíve become too high maintenance. I want these things. Am I too much?

Well, he never texted last night. Said he would earlier in the day and let me know how it was going with his project. You know, because I care. Never did. Never heard from him. Laid in bed and fought the urge to text him. Not texting him was an amazing feat for me. I imagine he might have been working late on the house. The last time we saw each other everything was fine. And the time before that when he apologized and was just so sweet and loving. I guess this week he is just so kneeling deep in his stuff again.

I will try my best to hold out contacting him today. Usually Iíll get something the next morning if I donít the night before. But who knows this week. I feel pretty poopy but I shouldnít let this affect me too much.

On another note D11 hurt her finger pretty bad at cheerleading. She woke up in the middle of the night crying, cake in my bed and itís pretty swollen. We have been having lots of xrays at the ER for various digits lately, but Iím going to hold off. Sheís really upset because she afraid sheís going to lose her position. Sheís in a lot of pain. Itís her non dominant had, but there is a lot she canít do. She will be home alone today and a friend is coming over at some point, but I am going to sneak home at lunch and bring them something to eat and print her some kids Motrin because she still canít swallow pills.

Sigh. At least after work today I am off for 4 days. Woohoo!

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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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