Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Family Man
She has stated that if it were not for OM we would be working on the R.


Just throwing you a crumb to soften the blow on you.

Quote
I'm sure I made her happy before she left so my best hope is that the A fizzles out.


As long as she knows you are Plan B then if that "affair" fizzles out there will be another and another. By the way is OM married? If not then it's not really an A so much as a new R? Anyway you've got to remove yourself from Plan B status. She's got to think she will lose you before she'll consider wanting you back. Have you ever seen Swingers? This scene is spot-on:

MIKE
And what if I don't want to give up on her?

ROB
You don't call.

MIKE
But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So I don't call either way.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So what's the difference?

ROB
The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.

MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
Well that [censored].

ROB
It [censored].

MIKE
So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.

ROB
Right...or more likely the opposite.

MIKE
Right... Wait, what do you mean?

ROB
I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.

MIKE
Unless she comes back first.

ROB
Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.

MIKE
There's the rub.

ROB
There's the rub.

Quote
Does anyone think that this is a time for a grand gesture - e.g. a honeymoon with or without a marriage. I wonder whether OM would even object under the circumstances since it's such a new relationship and I would make her very happy. Grand gestures don't seem to be recommended here but surely there must be times when it counts. Thoughts anybody?


I think you need to quit trying to compete with OM and leave her to it. Just work on being the best you that you can be. Leave her be, go as dark as you can.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
LH19 #2861368 08/14/19 06:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by LH19
F,

My point is in more valid when you consider she dumped you. Proposing to someone who dumped you is more likely to be seen as pathetic that's why you don't see it around here.

The best gesture you can make is to give her the time and space to figure her $hit out. She has to choose to want to be with you for it to work out long term. Have you ever heard the term "rejection breeds obsession"?

How long have you made these supposed changes? It takes a really long time to make changes that last.


^^^Wise words^^^


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
LH19 #2861370 08/14/19 06:13 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
LH, I haven't proposed - I thought that the site was here to discuss possible actions like that. As regards people seeing me as pathetic - that's their problem. I am giving her space but there is a chance she may break the silence soon and I want to be prepared. If she contacts me I don't know how she will feel. If I compare myself to OM I reckon i'm a good bet now but we have a chequered history so I need to be able to handle the mixed emotions she may feel. I know what I want and I know she wants the same( we've been together for 16 years so you get a feeling ). But she needs to navigate from where she is to where we both want to be. If a gesture shortcuts that then I'm all for it - but no-one is commenting on that question,

As regards the changes I posted earlier that they have been a doddle. I cut down on the booze and recovered the old me. I was amazed and it feels great. If I'd done it years ago I wouldn't have been here. So I'm not worried about backsliding.


Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
F,

I meant she would view it as pathetic. You don't propose to a woman who is in another relationship. Again that is something you would see on tv. It doesn't work in real life.

Look man I'm just being honest with you. The list you posted of the OMs great qualities are comical. That is why right now she doesn't think very highly of you. Can that change over time? Sure, but most likely many months more than likely years down the road.

As for her breaking the silence your best bet is to listen and validate.

I get the sense that you think your situation is different. It is not, that is why not one person on the board will tell you it's grand jesture time.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Family Man
As regards people seeing me as pathetic - that's their problem.


Not "people", just her. I just related this in another thread, but back before I got married I dated a girl and broke up with her and she was sad, clingy and needy. Begged me to take her back. I found it repulsive. I later dated another girl and broke up with her and she moved right along like it didn't bother her a bit. That made me wonder if what I did was the right decision, and I started temp checking her. The point is that it is human nature to want what is difficult to get and to not really care about something/ someone that isn't a challenge. Right now she'll find your pursuit to be sad/ desperate/ pathetic. You seem to be having a lot of trouble grasping this concept!

Quote
I am giving her space but there is a chance she may break the silence soon and I want to be prepared.


If she breaks the silence it won't be for the reasons you're hoping. AT BEST it'll be to make sure you are still Plan B. With time who knows, but it's too soon right now.

Last edited by AnotherStander; 08/14/19 07:09 PM.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 159
AS,

I could use your advice in my thread.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Family Man
As regards people seeing me as pathetic - that's their problem.


Not "people", just her. I just related this in another thread, but back before I got married I dated a girl and broke up with her and she was sad, clingy and needy. Begged me to take her back. I found it repulsive. I later dated another girl and broke up with her and she moved right along like it didn't bother her a bit. That made me wonder if what I did was the right decision, and I started temp checking her. The point is that it is human nature to want what is difficult to get and to not really care about something/ someone that isn't a challenge. Right now she'll find your pursuit to be sad/ desperate/ pathetic. You seem to be having a lot of trouble grasping this concept!

Quote
I am giving her space but there is a chance she may break the silence soon and I want to be prepared.


If she breaks the silence it won't be for the reasons you're hoping. AT BEST it'll be to make sure you are still Plan B. With time who knows, but it's too soon right now.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
Thanks AS, LS. Let's be clear -
  • OM is married
  • I am not pursuing her I am in no contact mode. I am not desperate in her presence or outside it. I just know what I want
  • Her opinion of me is not as low as you seem to assume
  • I am seeking clarification on a number of issues because I don't want to make gross blunders
  • I suspect she may contact me during no contact and I want to respond well

From what I'm hearing the following principles always apply:
  • She's got to think she's lost me before she'll want me
  • It'll take too long to be worth it
  • My situation is as bad as everybody else's
  • shortcuts like grand gestures are always a bad idea
  • All optimism is misplaced


I will not wait for ever for her to return but I don't have the need to seek other options for the moment. I still see some hope that she will be back because I offer a good chance of happiness for both of us. In our long time together we have not lost all attraction. Recently( after I cut the booze ) we have communicated better than ever. She decided to Pursue OM before I cut the booze. That is why I still harbour some hope.


Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
OM really isn't an OM though. He's just a WH. No contact mode is good IMO. GAL, and maybe one day she comes back. During NC, you don't reply at all unless she is about to beat the door down to get you back. Seriously, follow that plan from the one site.

Originally Posted by Family Man
From what I'm hearing the following principles always apply:
She's got to think she's lost me before she'll want me
It'll take too long to be worth it
My situation is as bad as everybody else's
shortcuts like grand gestures are always a bad idea
All optimism is misplaced


This is pretty good, though I'd say you should have tons of optimism in yourself!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrrnbw #2861448 08/15/19 05:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
She texted last night. 4 fairly meaningless texts in a minute. I didn't answer. I read the "going dark" post where it does not advocate complete silence. A short one from me this morning while she's still asleep. I don't want her to think I'm playing games - but I guess I am.


Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
What were the texts?

Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard