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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861211
08/13/19 01:49 PM
08/13/19 01:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,695
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JujuB Offline
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So just want to point out here

First off, you have to remember. You are the catch. Seriously. Look at all you do, who you are, and what you offer someone.

It sounds like M. Has some great qualities, but maybe lacking in relationship skills that require active listening and communication, and compromise? You do have these qualities but when itís one sided itís not always enough. I get the fear of communicating your feelings, and expressing your needs to someone after being left for doing so. Itís what I went through and something I struggle with as well. But I think that if you canít do that with someone it will lead to a lot of resentment and anger and unhealthy actions (game playing - making him call first, modified silent treatments)

And hereís the thing - if you do express your needs and communicate when your unhappy and he argues or twists things or ignores or goes into hiding - the good thing is that it gives you some important information early on.

And butterflyís comments about housekeeping are spot on. I went through that too. Little critiques gradually build.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861224
08/13/19 03:33 PM
08/13/19 03:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,054
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Dawn70 Offline
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Totally agree with butterfly and Juju on the housecleaning thing. I would be hard pressed to NOT ask him who the h3ll he thinks he is and to point out that not everyone can live with their mother and have everything taken care of for them, but then again, I can be terribly petty.

Honestly, G, the more you say and the more I think about it, what worries me is that you keep trying to "fix" things that aren't really yours to fix. HE is the one who brushed you off when you needed him. HE is the one who is closed off from communication. You worry about saying what you need/want for fear of his reaction, which I totally understand given your past, but all of that stuff is HIS to fix. You can't fix him or change him or whatever. You can only discuss your needs with him and hope that he is open, understanding, receptive. One of the things that you said yesterday in one of your posts that really stood out to me was that, in the past, when you have specifically sat him down and told him something, he's stepped up. That jumped out to me because it made me wonder if he continued to step up on that issue or if he stepped up when you mentioned it but then went back to his "old" pattern of not stepping up. Does that make sense? I think Juju hit the nail on the head. M has some great qualities, but necessary relationship skills like active listening, communication, compromise are not among those qualities...for whatever reason. It is something you have to work at and whether he's never been given the tools or just chooses not to use them, the fact is, he is lacking in those areas.

It is likely easier for all of us who have done the work to recognize when our partners haven't or lack particular knowledge, but I still contend that people don't change who they inherently are. While M appears to be a great guy, if he is not meeting your needs and not doing so consistently, then you might have to really ask yourself how that plays out down the road. You can't stuff your feelings down or feel guilty all the time for wanting to be validated and taken care of (so to speak) and not, at some point, start to resent him for not meeting you halfway. It's like that movie "Hitch" where Will Smith is trying to teach Kevin James's character how to kiss and he's talking about how the couple should both lean in 50% but Kevin, in his over-eagerness, is leaning in 90%. Relationships take work, compromise. Relationships are a team sport for a team of 2 people. We all know this. But, if you are leaning in 90%, he's only having to lean in 10% and that can lead to bad things down the road, through no particular fault of either party.

I like M and I want you to be happy. But I also want you to take care of yourself and NOT feel like you are walking on eggshells and right now, it seems like an awfully eggshell-like environment you are tiptoeing through, at least from my outside perspective. I don't think you should go at him guns blazing, but I definitely think you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him and see what he says. As others before me have said, his reaction/responses to your talk will give you a LOT of information.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861276
08/14/19 12:57 AM
08/14/19 12:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,934
G
Ginger1 Online OP
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Ginger1  Online OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
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I want to address what you have all so kindly posted to me. But I donít have the mental energy right now.

I did sort of address. Iíll definitely talk about it tomorrow.

On a good note. I spoke to the cheerleading coach in an email. My daughter bounced into the car today with her confidence through the roof that she got her favorite stunt position back. She was beaming and talked about how great she did at it. It was the best part of the day smile

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861312
08/14/19 12:03 PM
08/14/19 12:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,934
G
Ginger1 Online OP
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Ginger1  Online OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,934
Well, I kind of snuck it into a conversation. I told him when I told him I was stressed and he asked my I was stress and began to told him why he blew me off and I just really needed someone to listen for a minute. I didnít tell him he made it about him. He said ďall you told me was your lawnmower wasnít working and you had an unmanageable caseload at workĒ I said I was telling you more, but you cut me off by telling me ďlife ainít easy, I got this plumbing thing to take care ofĒ I went on to say whatís going on. He asked me if there was more behind my stressors. I said, no, itís just that stuff which unless you walk in my shoes, you see why a lawnmower not working can be the straw that broke the camels backĒ he said ďawwww, hugs sent your way. Right after he said that, I thanked him, told him about some positive stuff, but he said nothing and I didnít hear from him all. This was after a sweet morning greeting.

I texted him twice something small later in the day and nothing. Finally he answered very short and I didnít realize today was his last day with his S for a while. I thought his S left yesterday.
We had a very brief exchange, I told him i know tough when he goes away for a while. He didnít ask a darn thing about me or if things were better or how I was. I simply said ď Iím going to bedĒ he said ďgoodnight baby!Ē And that was it.

I went to bed pretty upset. The world does indeed revolve around him. And it stinks . I donít know what Iím going to do with it. Right now, I donít have the nerve to even try to address it. Tonight, he ditched me for his thing he had to do. Friday he canít be my date because of a FaceTime call. This weekend he said ďmaybeĒ to the beach which I imagine is a no.

Forget it. Iím not chasing. Iím tired. His intentions arenít bad. Heís just so oblivious. And I tried to communicate yesterday and he more or less blew me off again. I donít even know what to think anymore.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861315
08/14/19 12:10 PM
08/14/19 12:10 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Is he an only kid G? Has his mom always supported him?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861318
08/14/19 12:22 PM
08/14/19 12:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
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I think not chasing is best. Let him miss you.
The real question in my mind is this: is M willing to learn some new relationship skills?

Don't give up because you're afraid of asking that question, and don't give up until you get an answer to that question. I hope that makes sense. I'm frazzled right now so I apologize if I am not being clear. xoxoxo

(((((((((((Ginger))))))))))


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861321
08/14/19 12:55 PM
08/14/19 12:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,934
G
Ginger1 Online OP
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Ginger1  Online OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 3,934
I am actually the only child, not him. Iím certainly not your typical only child though. He had a brother, 5 years younger who he is close with. Dad died when he was 14 and mom had to raise 2 trouble making boys on her own while working. He wasnít spoiled and has been a hard worker since a young age. Heís always been relied on as the man of the house which he does well. She was of great help and still is with his S.

Iím just chilling over here, bttrfly . Iím thinking he could really use some new relationship skills. I know itís hard coming out of all poop he has and having to focus on someone elseís needs. But he has chosen to be in an R with me. Itís got to be a two way street

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861322
08/14/19 01:00 PM
08/14/19 01:00 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,985
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Well it rules out that theory.......maybe it is stress, I do know everyone reacts differently to it or over time you are just seeing more sides of him than you did early on. Only you know G. Hang in there, sorry.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861324
08/14/19 01:12 PM
08/14/19 01:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 738
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ballast Offline
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Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 738
G...after I started going to IC and really doing work on myself and learning how to be a better partner, more aware of much of what we talk about here, etc...I got to a point where I wondered to myself "yeah I've done all of this work on myself, but what are the chances that I can find a lady out there in this world who has done the same? Will I always be the one super in touch with these thoughts? If I am, will any relationship where my partner is not like minded ever work?" Bottom line M sounds locked in his own world especially by living with his mother and then locks in on his son when he has him. Thing is he DOES respond when you tell him your stresses BUT I don't think he has a clue about what validation is nor that what he says to you is somehow not enough to make you feel he cares about you.

The big thing to me is that you have a very highly developed understanding of your own needs in a relationship AND expectations over how your partner should know exactly what you need for him to reach you and make you feel valued and your feelings heard. Question is do you think M is intentionally not trying to be the partner you need OR as I believe, is he simply unaware of exactly what it is you are seeking from him when you share your feelings with him. I can tell you for a fact until I reached BD and was forced to look into the topic and how I was performing as a partner, I really had no clue. I don't believe he willingly tries to disappoint you, but I do think you will have work to do with him to help him understand where you are coming from. Can he hear you without feeling like he's losing you that I don't know. You may have to really help him understand the two way street more than you ever thought you might have to.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 7/19
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861347
08/14/19 04:07 PM
08/14/19 04:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,833
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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perfect gf, just put on your shades put up your feet snd soak up some sun while he does some work. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
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