She also mentioned this morning she told her mom she may move out. Her mom advised her it would be abandonment if she left. So she has reconnected now with her mother and I expected that would happen eventually. I played golf today and when she got home from the pool she quickly started complaining about being bored. I’ve got a feeling it won’t be long before she moves out to live with one of her friends. Should I just stay out and let her make all the moves as far as leaving and filing for divorce? I won’t to save my marriage but I know our marriage is over until she goes through this. She stays at work late and locks herself in the bedroom when she gets home. I want us to be cordial for our boys but is this possible when you are betrayed and lied too like she has done. She wants us to have split custody of our 13year old, sale the house, and go our separate ways. Problem is she is so tied up in her affair that she doesn’t have time to file for divorce. Besides she wants me to do it due to her having an affair and her admitting to a one night stand back in November. She doesn’t love me anymore or she wouldn’t have basically cheated 3 times within the past 6 months. Am I crazy to even want to save this marriage for my youngest son? It’s tough to live in the same house with a cheater. I entered the room twice this morning and she quickly hid her phone under her arm and was smiling about it. I mean she is doing it right underneath my nose. It’s eroding my self-respect.
She's all the way disrespectful. Smiling in your face. Once you start looking thru her, and you are detach that smile will go away. If that happens again, you can't show any emotions. No, curled lip, raised eyebrows, no flared nose, don't hunch your shoulders, look at her, don't stare, then turn and walk away. No need to conversate with a person that's treating you like that.
IMO, she wants a D, let her do all the work. Like you said too bad, for what she wants. If it were me. I would pack all her belongings in the MBR and put them in the room she's living in. No more talking, all action.
Don't bring up the relationship, the M, a divorce or separation. If she's willing to watch you transform into BB 2.0 allow her. Move forward with your life, while taking care of your boys, right in front of her.
And obviously she wasn't too hot for you, because you'll been married a long time. Become confident, then respect yourself, that=being attractive.
Onward and upward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joejoe, Thanks for the support. Going to be a long process. Went to church this morning and her parents sat with me and my son. I spoke to them afterwards and they were really supportive. They want me to keep fighting for my marriage. Her father said fight the fight and her mother said God can change peoples heart. They just don’t understand how hard it is to get over the deception and betrayal. Knowing that it is still going on underneath my nose.
Right now she has plans of being with him. She has been telling her friends she will be leaving next year which means she will move to an assistant principal position at another school. That would allow them to get together. Now a lot has to happen for that to play out. Her AP would have to get a divorce as well as us.
One thing that has me so confused is I think she is going through a midlife crisis as well. Her libido is on super drive right now. We continue to be intimate but it is initiated by me and she doesn’t resist it. I think she just wants to have sex with this guy and not possibly be with him in the long run.
All I know for certain is that she has made up her mind she doesn’t want to be with me. Can her mind be changed? Probably not because I don’t think she will ever forgive herself therefor she will never be willing to put the work in for reconciling. I can see her going through this and possibly in two years wanting to get back into this relationship.
I really recommend you stop having sex with her. Stop initiating sex, it makes you look needy. You know she's having an affair and you still want to have sex with her? Her heart is with OM, she is basically using you as a warm dildo. You are worth more than that.
Back off and let go. She has to feel what's it's like to lose you. That won't happen if you don't allow space and time. She has created her plans for how she sees her future playing out. You need to put all your focus on yourself and boys. Most WW have grand plans, and they barely work out.
My W, wanted me to move out and get an apartment, while I pay for both households. She was going to get a job and place our 1 year old at the time in daycare. And she was going to go back to school. It was grand. Then she went to price daycares and that plan started to crack. Then she wanted to stay together and separate at the end of that school year. And I DB right in front of her.
I allowed her too be, it was hard as hell. But I GAL my but off. I detached with love. And, one-day she thought I was seeing someone else. She told me, "I get it, and I don't like the way I feel thinking about you with AP". I just looked at her and walked off.
On another day I asked her to shave my back, and she said, "This is my last time, tell that b#tch you with to do it". All I was doing was GAL. I started to lose interest in her and she started to feel it.
Then, when I was tired of the disrespect, I Divorced her in my heart and mine, and one night, when I caught her talking to the OM again. I told her to pack her sh't and get out. I wasn't playing anymore. She felt it. She felt, that I meant it. I didn't need no long drawn out declaration. All I need was her to feel my actions.
Onward and upward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I have a question about detaching? If I was always gone coaching and playing golf then detaching would be more of the same. What I am thinking about doing is taking my son and spending more time with him playing golf and doing other activities. We had homemade ice cream and peanuts tonight at her parents house while she went out to eat with her girlfriends. Her mother is very religious and the most supportive person you will ever meet. She has told me to just love her and pray about it. However, I know that my wife has changed and has distanced herself from all of us more and more. It’s really sad when we get home tonight and she doesn’t leave the spare bed to love the boys goodnight or speak to them. I know they are 18 and 13 but it is sad and I fear it will only get worse.
I guess this is going to be the longest year of my life because I am dedicated to sticking this out. I am praying and hoping this is discovered at work. It probably will not because this stuff happens all the time. They spend a lot of time together and people are talking but it will be chalked up to just rumors. All of this going on and my son is in her class and her AP’s daughter is in the class as well.
I am not seeing a question about detaching. You say you have one and then launch into GAL activities. Detachment ISN'T GAL. They go hand in hand. detaching is not reacting emotionally to what she says and does.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I see what you are saying. Detaching and GAL are different bings. It’s only been 2 months. I am slowly detaching to some degree. I’ve quit following her and spying on her. I’ve let her come to me for conversation here lately. I am going to spend all my time focusing on my youngest son. I opted out of a golf tournament this weekend and will spend the weekend planning something for the two of us to do together.
Does anyone on here have experience of telling the AP's wife, employer, or a role model? I have been waiting for this to play out in hopes of it coming out on its own. When I focus on the constant lies, deception, and betrayal I have strong thoughts in contacting some of these people. Truth is she doesn't love me anymore and I accept that fact. She could care less about my pain or what my boys are going to go through. Everyday this is a living hell to have to go home to an unresponsive wife. I thought about asking her to move out. A week ago I almost had her convinced to move out. Has anyone else had any experience on taking action and standing up for themselves? I don't want to fight with her but as I am getting stronger I feel more and more like I need to stand up for myself and tell her to go. Last Sunday I tried to tell her she needed to go ahead and file for divorce and we need to put the house up for sale. Of course she wanted to argue about who we would get to sell the house and got ugly about it. She got mad and said we needed to go ahead and just rip the bandaid off. This morning I told her I felt it wasn't fair for our sons to see us sleeping in different beds. She then claimed she was uncertain. She said she was sorting herself out. Trying to decide how she wanted to live her life. She claims she will make that choice based on how she has grown as a person and that she doesn't want anyone or anything to dictate that decision. She then proceeds to tell me she hates that I am hurting but she can't control that.
How would it benefit you to out the A? It wouldnt. I was going to inform my exwws work because she and her boss were using company resources for their meetings. She would have been fired along with OM.
OM is also married. But how would getting my exww fired or telling OMW help me? It wouldnt benefit me at all.
Even if you did out the A, your EXWW would just hate you more for hurting her lover. It would just cause her to resent you more and give her more justification in how she feels.
Remember, everything you do, must be focused on bettering yourself. All of your actions must be to benefit you. Also, do you want her to come back on her own or because she was manipulated into doing it?
Keep on DBing and keep on detaching. Thats your course right now period.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
SoTorn, Thanks for the advice. You are right. Only 2 months into this and I am still holding on hard. Last week wasn't all that bad. This week hasn't started off all that good. I will take your advice and try to back off. I've got to be stronger and let it go. Got to detach as much as possible. I am going to apply Sandi's rules.
