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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861075
08/12/19 02:11 PM
08/12/19 02:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,813
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JujuB Offline
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JujuB  Offline
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I think I was the one that talked about settling on Andrews thread. Itís cause I have done it my whole life. IRL I am mellow and easy going and end up adapting to all sorts of crazy personalities and it carries over in my romantic relationships - where I put up with things that are either not good for me or perhaps with people Iím not compatible. Not because I need someone or canít be alone, more because I just have higher thresholds for dysfunction for some reason.

In fact, a while back when I talked about it on here someone recommended a book to me about how middle age women really hurt themselves by not settling and working through issues. And how we miss out by expecting a form of perfection that might not exist.

So on one hand, itís true. People are not perfect. Relationships are not perfect. We do have to be willing to accept flaws. On the other hand, we have to be willing to look at when something is not working and be able to walk away. Thatís just as hard for people like us too cause we are not the self serving types. But maybe need to be a bit more like that.

And I am not by any means suggesting that for ginger and M. Cause relationships are hard and require work and effort and self awareness. And because ginger has very deep chemistry and feelings for M. (That I didnít have with the guys I was settling for). Ginger, have you had the time to talk to a counselor? Would it be something he would be willing to try in the future?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861108
08/12/19 05:38 PM
08/12/19 05:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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You are correct juju. I also have a high tolerance and am able to adapt to everyone.

Relationships sure are hard work. Not everything is going to be just how we like it all the time. And I do see our R as working, even if this kind of hurts. But itís him. Heís kind of sucked into his own little world right now. People often also take for granted the fact that if you met me from the outside I seem to completely have my sh!t handled and donít struggle. My own fault maybe?

My best friend knew exactly how to support me. Validated me and then asked what she could do to help me tomorrow. In Mís defense, he is helping me with a task on. Wednesday and I uber appreciate it.

I am willing to accept his flaws. I sure have them too and I imagine he is accepting them right now.

I was seeing a counselor for 2 years and then stopped about a year ago. I just had no time. And now my health insurance is different and I don't know she is covered. She is within walking distance of my current job. I should make time to go back. It helped just to have a supportive 3 rd party who validated and helped me help myself. Something I should do again.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861123
08/12/19 06:33 PM
08/12/19 06:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,402
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Dawn70 Offline
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I wasn't sure who posted about settling and I didn't have time to sift through all of Andrew's posts to find it again, but my point was/is that is something you just have to look out for. G, I do NOT think you are settling for M and I'm sorry if my comments implied that. I think the two of you just have some fundamental differences in how you deal with others and emotions. M is likely less demonstrative and touchy feely than you (which tends to be typical of men anyway) where you are one to reach out. Your exchange this morning shows that. I am sorry he didn't respond in the way you needed him to, but I'm not sure he is able to do that, at least right now. I would imagine, based on things you have told us, that he is just too wrapped up in all his baby mama drama to see much farther than himself at this point.

Now, having said all of that, if you are still coming back here in say, 5 years, and you are still having the same issues, at that point, I would say that is settling. I don't think people fundamentally change WHO they are, but in this case, I don't think it is so much about WHO M is as his responses and attitudes are more about all the crap on his plate. And, you are right, you come across as a very strong, very put together, very "I got this" kind of woman and I wonder on occasion if that might not be a tad intimidating to M and he doesn't even realize that it is. I'm speculating, of course, since I don't know either of you.

I think you and M have something nice going. I don't think either of you are settling. I just think you handle things differently and like you said above, you have to learn to accept those things just as he has to learn to accept things about you. Sparky and I have some similar issues. I don't vent to Sparky a lot, but when I do, I need something that validates and comforts me. Sparky's go to response is "bummer, dudette" or "that [censored]" and then changing the subject. Yeah, I need more. We've talked about it and we are kind of at an understanding now that when I'm reaching out in a way that I require something more than bummer dudette, I just preface whatever I say with something like "I really need a hug" or something that lets him know that I'm feeling particularly in need of more support in that moment.

As far as counseling, I'm sure you have checked it out, but in my previous job, our insurance offered a thing called the employee assistance program which offered us access to counseling to help with different issues. I used it when I went through my divorce and it was amazing. I truly wouldn't have gotten through all that as well as I did without my counselor. I have actually had access to this same thing with 2 different employers, though both were state-based agencies so that may be where the similarity comes in. Anyway, like I said, I'm sure you have checked and I don't know if this is even a thing where you work, but it is worth looking into. In both cases when I had it, the insurance company paired me with a trained, licensed counselor in my area and set up the first appointment, then I set up the subsequent ones and I was even allowed to take my XH the first time around when I went through it (my issues then were related to his medical trauma) and they offered to allow me to bring our daughters as well, though none of them ever wanted to go. I do recall the last time I went through it, my insurance would only pay for like 10 sessions, but the counselor told me if I needed more she would work it out with me. I didn't even use all 10. Anyway, sorry for rambling and hijacking your page, but it is certainly worth checking on. You need to take care of yourself!!!!!!!


Me 50, H51
3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids)
Divorce final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861136
08/12/19 07:44 PM
08/12/19 07:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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You are so right dawn. He is so mired in his own stuff, he canít see outside of it.

And he just backed out of helping me Wednesday, something we have been planning for a few weeks now because he has to take care of something else. I told him not to worry about me when he said he was doing what he had to do on med. he said ďIíll try to help, but Iím sure you can manage on your ownĒno sorry. This was his answer after I told him I have been struggling.

I said donít bother. You take care of your sh!t Iíll take care of mine.

Nice.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861146
08/12/19 08:42 PM
08/12/19 08:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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I need an opinion. I am truly upset. Everything is always about him, I am always supportive? Validating, and I am what he needs me to be to help him get through.

The ONE day I try to share about my struggles he turns it in to him. Then I conducted an experiement and validated everything he was saying about himself. And he not once asked about me, how was my day. When I told him I was stressed this morning. And he backs out like no big deal out of what he was going to help me with.

I really want to say something. I think he should how what is is doing makes me feel. Truth is Iím scared. Iím scared he will flip it on me, scared of I donít even know what.

But I have to change these patterns . They have to change. I need to stop being afraid about talking about what upsets me instead of worrying if Iím justified in feeling the way I do.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861148
08/12/19 08:52 PM
08/12/19 08:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,344
Southern Maryland
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Ginger,

Maybe you need to stop being so available to him when he needs help w/things. If you aren't available to help him once in a while, it might give him pause to think about his behavior. His behavior may be one of the reasons that he's divorced and having to deal w/an xw.

I might be wrong, but I do not think he's going to change, this is him and I think that if you speak to him about how you felt, it might just roll off his back because whatever he's doing, it's all about him at the moment. He's just too caught up into his world and isn't thinking about what you need at the moment.

Don't contact him for a day or so and leave him to his mess. Allow him to come to you. Time for him to realize that you are the prize and if he wants you in his life, he better start listening and validating you too.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861150
08/12/19 08:54 PM
08/12/19 08:54 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,499
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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G.....tbh, based on what you write, i have always thought it was about his needs. I think I might have told you I felt like he was high maintenance before.

The pattern will continue if you dont speak your truth and you will continue to get more and more frustrated. If communicating your needs to him is a dealbreaker for him then it is not meant to be but you need to understand that.

I would just suggest you calm down and communicate in a positive way that is not attacking before you approach.

You feel how you feel.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861151
08/12/19 09:09 PM
08/12/19 09:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,076
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Job is absolutely correct. He's not going to change. It's who he is.

One thing that we can lose sight of here is that we're the ones that have "done the work", examined our entrails, discussed and followed the community wisdom of what works and what doesn't. 99% of the rest of the world hasn't.

If you don't think he's "getting it" - that's because he's not. He doesn't have the same set of tools that you have built up over the years both by practicing it yourself and by helping others here and presumably IRL.

Over the past couple of years, I'd like to think that I've gotten to know you somewhat. You alternate between the brash "tell it like it is" gal and the one who walks on eggshells and is afraid of upsetting or offending people. You certainly at least from this viewpoint seem to be trying to not break any eggs.

I do think that one thing all of us who are considering re-partnering need to keep in mind is that generally speaking, all of us who are out there are damaged goods of one sort or another. "Land of the misfit toys" I believe that someone once called the mature dating scene.

I know that you are a loving and caring person. I also know that you have a number of insecurities about all sorts of things and being brushed off absolutely doesn't help that. M is undoubtedly dealing with a cr@p load of stuff himself.

As job suggests, while you can count on M for practical things most of the time, the sort of emotional support you need is something that he doesn't have the bandwidth for right now and perhaps doesn't even have the tools to do what you are wanting him to do.

I don't know what the answer is though.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861161
08/12/19 10:08 PM
08/12/19 10:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,803
You are all so right. I married a man where it was all about his world and mine meant nothing. I married a man who left me in the middle of my others wake because ďhe had friends coming over for a BBQĒ I thought it was different with M. While he would never take it to that extreme, I guess a part of me feels it happening again. And when I truly needed my ex through IVf and my pregnancy, he ran into the arms of another woman. So my track record of needing something from someone hasnít left me in such a hot position.

And yes, I believe I have tools he never gained from his witch. Being here has really armed me with those for new Rís. And yes, Job, I do think a part of this had to do with his divorce. He does mean well, I think he is oblivious to it, and I am scared of how he will react when I point it out. But as J said, if his reaction is bad over this, it tells me a lot.

I am going to take a little bit of all your approaches. I actually cut him off in the middle of him telling me about his kayaking trip with his buddy yesterday ( yup, Sunday without a kid was a day he kayaked well into the night) and I said ďIím out of work, Iím going to go attack my to do list, talk to you lateĒ his response was ďenjoyĒ I have no intentions of reaching out to him until he comes to me. I need the focus to be on ME. But when he does come o me, I am calmly tell him how his actions made me feel. He needs to know, whether or not itís something he will ever change, who knows. Is it only because he is so deep in his own poop? Or is this him? Time will tell.

I do love him. But I want a partner. One I can lean on when I need it.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861164
08/12/19 10:33 PM
08/12/19 10:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,520
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HaWho Offline
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Ginger - sorry to hear you are stressed.

I think you should use this as a sort of test. We all need to be in relationships where we can communicate our needs and have them met. If you are often presenting as strong and ďI have everything under controlĒ then he may think all is good. But of course when you communicate you are stressed and then he does meet your needs, itís probably time to communicate and see what is under the surface.

I suggest you think about what you need from him and communicate it clearly. If he canít do this, you have someone who is probably not compatible: maybe because of his divorce or maybe he doesnít have the goods.

But, maybe with clear/kind communication he can step up to the plate!

You donít know until you probe. You may want to ask if you are meeting his needs. There may be things you do that he does not need while he prefers other things. I think relationships require request status updates on both sides.

It is not about him mind reading what you need. Itís about how you two work through problems.

Hope things settle for you...


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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