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Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2860579
08/07/19 08:22 PM
08/07/19 08:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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Live your life to the fullest and keep the road home paved smooth. That’s really all you can do. Some WW want to be friends. I would decline that offer if you ever want to reconcile in the future. There may come a time you choose that option when you have completely moved on.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2860935
08/11/19 01:24 AM
08/11/19 01:24 AM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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I think that I just caught W sending nudes to someone. Came home from a baseball game with D3 and when I got into the living room W was in her bra with her phone out, saw me, stood up, and put her shirt on. First reaction was that she was trying clothes on but there were no clothes nearby. So much for waiting until we are divorced...

Wonder who it is? Coworker?

Do I say anything (kind of want to ask her if it was hot in the house while I was gone) or not?


M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2860944
08/11/19 03:36 AM
08/11/19 03:36 AM
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Don't say anything or ask, she will just get p!sed off and lie. If you need to know and want to go down the snooping path, check the phone records if you want the truth.

Last edited by job; 08/12/19 06:02 PM. Reason: edited a word

Me 33, H 34, T 12, M 9
S2, Baby d
BD May 2019, OW Confirmed June 2019
H Moved Out & Filed D July 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2860945
08/11/19 03:39 AM
08/11/19 03:39 AM
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unchien Offline
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Originally Posted by crdcheck

Wonder who it is? Coworker?

Stop wondering. Think detachment.

Originally Posted by crdcheck
Do I say anything (kind of want to ask her if it was hot in the house while I was gone) or not?

What do you stand to gain?

Asking her if it was hot in the house sounds passive-aggressive to me.

Being more direct with her about it is unlikely to change the behavior (she will just go underground), and will also signal to her that you are attached and she can still jerk you around whenever she wants.


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861029
08/12/19 02:53 AM
08/12/19 02:53 AM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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I didn't say anything. I knew that there was no upside to it. Part of me is angry about the hypocrisy and another part also wants an excuse to see someone else, to not be rejected. It's been four months and, while I'm doing better than I was at the beginning in some ways, in others I am jealous of her ability to completely move on. I feel like I have to be on my best behavior through the absolute end (ink on paper). I'm still wearing my ring. I still leave my phone unlocked. I'm still not doing anything that would be risky. These are all actions I took to help rebuild trust back in October and, by stopping them, I would be proving that I couldn't follow through. But I'd really like to be done with them.

Tonight is really tough. W has movers coming Tues but, with D3 out of the house this week (she is with my parents since there is no school or camp this week) my in-laws are here helping W move. I came home from house hunting and hanging out with my brother all day to find my FIL in the half-packed living room, barely willing to look at me (so much for "always being part of the family", how quick that changes), decorations and pictures taken down, and yeah, it hurts. Not the stuff, but the finality of it. I just can't believe it - I changed so much (objectively - new job, home every day, helping with everything) and she can just march off. I feel really lost. I guess that it goes to the above, too, because I feel like I need someone to want me. I haven't had that from W in years but thought that she was happy and I could take care of myself. Now that I'd given up on old ways I thought that she'd be there for me. And not only is she not there, she's running away.

On a positive note, the first moments are usually the first with me, and this one isn't as bad as the others (seeing the "for sale" sign in the yard). So, hopefully this is just another valley and then I'll be climbing back out tomorrow.

Few random thoughts/questions:

1) What do I do/say about pictures of us? I don't want W to throw them out but I don't want to look needy
2) I'm all about GALing but I'm also tired of being out all the time. How much "hang out" time is reasonable?
3) Is continuing to wear my ring a sign of pursuit?
4) How much should I talk to W going forward? This detaching thing really seems like it's getting frosty. Our chances will be very limited once she moves out and especially once we start our custody arrangement. If she says nothing to me do I just ignore her?
5) How should I act around W and her in-laws? I don't plan to see them much but they will come to D3's birthday party in Sept and, because it's my weekend with D3, I'm hosting. I don't want to keep anyone from D3 (she loves them) but I also don't want to be receiving the chill from my FIL

All in all I'm worried that by DBing is playing into her narrative - that all I care about is myself (me being assertive) and that I just want to go out (hanging with my brother, etc.). Even working out is probably seen as me just trying to look good.

Last edited by crdcheck; 08/12/19 02:56 AM.

M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861093
08/12/19 04:25 PM
08/12/19 04:25 PM
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Take possession of all the pictures you want. If she wants any, she will ask you for the ones she wants.

I have my wedding album. I gave it to my father for safe keeping while I was getting divorced.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861104
08/12/19 05:18 PM
08/12/19 05:18 PM
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unchien Offline
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Originally Posted by crdcheck
Few random thoughts/questions:

3) Is continuing to wear my ring a sign of pursuit?

4) How much should I talk to W going forward? This detaching thing really seems like it's getting frosty. Our chances will be very limited once she moves out and especially once we start our custody arrangement. If she says nothing to me do I just ignore her?

5) How should I act around W and her in-laws? I don't plan to see them much but they will come to D3's birthday party in Sept and, because it's my weekend with D3, I'm hosting. I don't want to keep anyone from D3 (she loves them) but I also don't want to be receiving the chill from my FIL

All in all I'm worried that by DBing is playing into her narrative - that all I care about is myself (me being assertive) and that I just want to go out (hanging with my brother, etc.). Even working out is probably seen as me just trying to look good.

4. Yep, it gets frosty. Do you have any plans to meet or talk once she moves out, if only to share how D3 is doing?

5. You can't avoid the FIL chill. Fake it 'til you make it... do the friendly neighbor thing. You'll have another 15 years+ of periodic interactions with the IL's - birthdays, graduations, etc.

Finally... DB'ing absolutely plays into the WAW narrative. But so does not DB'ing. Anything you do or don't do will play into the narrative. A saying I like for this situation is "You're d@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't, so do what you want."

With GAL, I think at first it feels completely forced or faked. After awhile hopefully you settle into the things you really like to do, the ones that connect you with your inner vitality and make you feel whole.

Last edited by job; 08/12/19 06:03 PM. Reason: edited language

M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: Ready2Change] #2861120
08/12/19 06:23 PM
08/12/19 06:23 PM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Take possession of all the pictures you want. If she wants any, she will ask you for the ones she wants.

Yeah, I should just put them away. I guess it feels like I'm just doing it as a form of pursuit. I mean, it's not like I've looked at them in the past. I'm not a super sentimental guy. And if I'm honest with myself (and you all) it's because I'm hoping that we R in the future. I mean, what will I do with them in 10 years if I've met someone else?


M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: unchien] #2861126
08/12/19 06:37 PM
08/12/19 06:37 PM
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crdcheck Offline OP
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Originally Posted by unchien

4. Yep, it gets frosty. Do you have any plans to meet or talk once she moves out, if only to share how D3 is doing?

Not yet. Trying to take things day by day and that seems like a couple of weeks out. Some books seem to say that the interactions forced by having children in the mix give opportunity to R. I see that, but I also see her seeking info that confirms her beliefs (e.g. if she's asking about who I'm hanging out with).
Originally Posted by unchien

5. You can't avoid the FIL chill. Fake it 'til you make it... do the friendly neighbor thing. You'll have another 15 years+ of periodic interactions with the IL's - birthdays, graduations, etc.

Yep, just disappointing. I really laid myself out to him (and my MIL), the good, the bad, the ugly. No excuses, no begging. They'd said that they feel like I'm a son. All I wanted from them was to take a balanced view, help us to navigate our relationship, whatever form it would be. I'm starting to see some of my W in my FIL - claims to be above everything but is clearly as in the mud as anyone else. Part of me wants to say that, if he can't play nice then he's not welcome at events I'm hosting. I'm not asking to be friends but he's essentially refusing to acknowledge my existence then he's not welcome in my home.
Originally Posted by unchien

Finally... DB'ing absolutely plays into the WAW narrative. But so does not DB'ing. Anything you do or don't do will play into the narrative. A saying I like for this situation is "You're d@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't, so do what you want."

I know, you are right. I'd say that I'm looking for confirmation. I read on other threads about WAWs who clearly have regrets but are too proud to say it, to want to work on R. I want to make sure that I'm keeping the "path paved" to quote someone.
Originally Posted by unchien

With GAL, I think at first it feels completely forced or faked. After awhile hopefully you settle into the things you really like to do, the ones that connect you with your inner vitality and make you feel whole.

Honestly, I'm straight up exhausted. Stress from D, stress from figuring out what is right for D3 vs. what feels fair (trying to keep an eye on my bias), 7+ open houses per weekend, negotiating on one house, trying to clear out all of the inspection items from the current house, figuring out what replacement items I need to buy (where's the kitchen scale?), making sure that my plans don't impact D3 (until custody plan in place we are organizing on an hour by hour basis), determining what to share with whom (don't want to whine non-stop), dealing with a new project at work, and not sleeping well (waking up stuck thinking about W). Honestly, I just want to come home a night or two, heat up a pizza, and watch some TV. I'm meeting up with people 7 days/week and it takes a lot out of me (I'm a natural introvert).

Another question re: D3 - if she wants something that I don't, how do I decide what to do? For example, as someone pointed out earlier, I am going to miss our time as a family more than my time w/ W, and if D3 wants all of us to go to the pool together part of me likes the idea and wants to do what D3 wants. Another part of me sees this as cake eating for my W, that she shouldn't get the benefits of an H unless she is being a W. Where do I draw the line?


M(35), W(35), D(3)
M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019
Separated Aug 13 (W moved out)
In mediation with intent to dissolve Sept 2019
Re: Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2 [Re: crdcheck] #2861131
08/12/19 07:23 PM
08/12/19 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by crdcheck
Part of me is angry about the hypocrisy


Very sorry you have to go through all of this. If your W had a shred of decency then she would have felt shame and humiliation when you walked on in her standing there in her bra with phone in hand. Did she feel that way? Who knows. But it's not worth your time to dwell on. In your W's eyes the two of you are already divorced, so she thinks she is free to start her GGW lifestyle. As the others said, confronting her about it is just wasted effort on your part. She's going to do what she's going to do no matter what you say.

Quote
1) What do I do/say about pictures of us? I don't want W to throw them out but I don't want to look needy


Ask her if she wants them. I would be blown away if she does, but it's the polite thing to do. If she says no then take them. If she asks what you're doing with them just tell her it's not her concern since she doesn't want them.

Quote
2) I'm all about GALing but I'm also tired of being out all the time. How much "hang out" time is reasonable?


The idea of GAL is to get your mind off of things. Occupy yourself. It's good to get out of the house but you don't HAVE to. I took up building models and R/C planes, I had my own area set up in the house for that. I mean I did a lot of out-of-the-house GAL as well, but it wasn't all one or the other, it was a mix.

Quote
3) Is continuing to wear my ring a sign of pursuit?


No. It's your choice. A lot of people continue to wear their ring while standing.

Quote
4) How much should I talk to W going forward? This detaching thing really seems like it's getting frosty. Our chances will be very limited once she moves out and especially once we start our custody arrangement. If she says nothing to me do I just ignore her?


Not initiating contact is NOT ignoring her. If she doesn't contact you then there's a 99.9% chance it's because she doesn't want to talk to you OR hear from you. So leave her be. If she pings you then go ahead and reply, but don't get drawn into long convos. As far as detaching getting frosty, read Sandi's rules. Use those are your guidelines for how to behave. It is not at all about being cold and indifferent, it's just giving her space but being polite and businesslike when you're around her.

Quote
5) How should I act around W and her in-laws? I don't plan to see them much but they will come to D3's birthday party in Sept and, because it's my weekend with D3, I'm hosting. I don't want to keep anyone from D3 (she loves them) but I also don't want to be receiving the chill from my FIL


Be warm and friendly to them. NO R TALKS AT ALL though. If they open that door then quickly and politely close it in their face.

Quote
All in all I'm worried that by DBing is playing into her narrative - that all I care about is myself (me being assertive) and that I just want to go out (hanging with my brother, etc.). Even working out is probably seen as me just trying to look good.


You'll learn to quit worrying about what they think. It quite honestly doesn't matter one bit. What they think is no reflection on who you are, and what they think does not factor into your W's decisions one bit. They have two choices as parents- support her decisions or try to talk some sense into her. If they choose the former they will continue to have a relationship with her. If they choose the latter she will likely cut them out of her life. So OF COURSE they are going to choose the former. That's no reflection on you, that's just what parents do.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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