I'm a returning contributor and a bit of a fraud. My marriage broke up 18 years ago( very painful ) and I got into a new relationship 16 years ago( not actually married ). History has repeated and she has just left me for another guy only this time I'm fighting like crazy to get her back. I'm boring my friends with my constant obsession so I thought I might get support from more like-minded people on this site. My insights may be useful to fellow sufferers too.
Some background: our relationship became stale for a number of reasons:-
Subconciously because of the baggage I was carrying from my previous relationship I was not committing fully for fear of getting hurt again
We have been conflict avoiders so could not resolve our issues well
medical and other issues inhibited sex( we didn't talk this through )
We stopped trying
In summary we were good friends but she did not feel the love she craved( my fault ) and I felt I could no longer make her really happy. I was drinking too much and this radically affected my energy levels, awareness, ability to act and so many other things.( Advice to heavy drinkers - get this under control it can change your life for the better ).
After I stopped the booze she told me she was going out the following night on a date with an old friend whose marriage was on the rocks( she'd known about this for weeks but didn't tell me). I admitted that I didn't seem to make her happy, I wanted her to be happy and that the idea made sense. I thought I could not compete. A few days later I suggested we got together for a special last intimate occasion not really expecting her to agree. Wow - she agreed without question and we had a magnificent weekend. I now realised I could make her happy and I did not want to let her go. But she was committed. We were frequently intimate in the next 2 weeks and we started to talk more openly. I thought I had saved the situation but she decided she could not carry on with both of us and gave me the boot. He has been treating her like a princess and she says she is having the time of her life. He is well minted and has the benefit of a long acquaintance with her. But I know I'm under her skin.
I've worked hard on myself and she has noticed. Now for the signs that I see as positive. What do you experts( especially the women ) think about these:-
I wrote her a poem that explored her mind quite deeply and she got very angry
I apologised for upsetting her, we discussed it and she forgave me( she never disputed the content )
After the anger she wrote down her feelings in a notebook. She showed it to me and it was a list of the things I didn't do that he did.
She has shown interest in a date I went on.
I intend to go dark for a bit but we are still on good speaking terms. Any advice or insights would be appreciated.
Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You want her to be committed to you, but after 16 years neither of you wanted to commit to more than dating?
You need time to heal from this and possibly the prior R. Take that time for yourself. Don't lie down like a whipped dog and take her crap.
The best thing you can do to get her back is to go no contact for 20 or 30 days, maybe longer. If she changes her mind you'll know bc she'll be trying hard to get you back.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm in no contact now. We were a bit closer than you imply - intending to set up home. It was more my fault than hers because of my baggage but you make a good point. As regards taking her crap I don't believe she is doing it deliberately - she is confused and I think she needs no contact more than me. I've made huge strides without the booze and fully accept my faults in the saga. She may be chronically hurt and in a rebound. She has said if he were not in the picture we would be trying again. I have tried to convey that I accept the breakup but I still want to build a new relationship with her. I'm sure she knows I'm serious. Since I posted I realised that her notes were a feeble attempt to justify her decision, not sure who to???
When I've seen her she has been tactile but not very intimate.
Do you really think no contact is powerful enough to change her mind?
Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
thanks again ovrrnbw, You are right about the need to contact. I've looked at the site and, like many others, it favours the no contact approach but it doesn't really explain why it works. Last night I was thinking about it and came up with some thoughts about my situation:-
I believe she is on a 3 day trip with OM. He is using up a pile of air miles that are due to expire. I know he had hoped to use them with his wife to rebuild their relationship. If I know her at all( and I do ) she will not be sleeping well, thinking about the mess she is in. Two people trying to convince themselves they are having a good time by spending money and taking photos when they would both rather be with someone else? Developing a real bond in this situation must be tough, surely ( and I don't believe he'll outperform me in the sack ).
She comes back Wednesday, I go away for a week Thursday so no contact will be the default. I could easily believe that she will be going through the emotional roller-coaster that I have been on for weeks. Is this the sort of reason it works? Anyone been on the receiving end who could comment? Am I just being ridiculously optimistic? I must admit I am trying really hard to see positives( working on me ).
Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
FM, you guys aren't married, correct? I am always curious as to why people that are having issues with a GF don't take that as the answer to the question "does this relationship have a long-term chance?".
My advice? Cut bait, and meet some new women. Maybe there is someone else out there that you will be more compatible. My mom used to tell me related, to a longtime on-again, off-again relationship that went on for years: if its meant to be it will be.
Pull back. Go out and meet some new women. You aren't tied to this woman like you would be if she were your W.
Oh, and stop being so codependent. Your life will go on with OR without her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve, I was expecting that from a lot of people on this site because I was here 17 years ago trying to save my marriage. Hence my allusion to fraud at the start. This breakup doesn't hurt as deeply as the last but it still hurts like hell because I have woken up to my true feelings at last. I've been with her for 16 years so the relationship has a long term chance. I am sort of dating someone with enormous common interests as part of my plan to reduce codependency but I'm under no illusions that I wouldn't be back with the missus like a shot given the opportunity. The date is not currently love material so I have no conflict of interest. Time will tell but if she comes back it will be a different relationship( and I may still play bridge with the date )
Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
