Short summary: together 7 years, married 1 with a 1 year old son. I noticed W acting strange toward me and brought it up with her. BD not sure about our future. Red flags of at least EA. Few weeks after BD W informed me she would be moving out with MIL. 2 months after BD she moves out. Lots of temperature checks and cake eating. Put an end to that. 3 months after her moving out I filed for divorce.
Replying to posters on the last forum:
U and LB55, yeah you guys are correct. I mentioned that her 4 am text did not seem genuine and I didn’t really believe she wanted to work on the M. Later in the day she texted again simply saying “rude” in response to my response. Like you said LB55 if she wanted to work on it, she would try harder than a 2 word text at 4am hahah. U thanks for the advice as well.
Gonna be dropping off S with her this afternoon, first time seeing her after I filed. Thanks all.
Dropped S off and instead of instantly saying bye I let W initiate conversation. Need to to better at this in the future but anyway. W was kind of rambling and I was detecting some disrespect so I said:
Me: I better get going W: what’re you gonna do? Me: probably go on a motorcycle ride W: (mocking tone) ohhh I’m so cool, I have a motorcycle, I’m a doucheb*g. Me: Watch your mouth. Don’t talk to me like that. W: (still mocking) ohhh did I hurt your feelings. Me: no but you are being incredibly disrespectful. Goodbye. W: it was a joke, I was just joking around.
She kept going trying to draw me back but I left. Hour later she texts me picture of S and “S wants to show you his new backpack”. I haven’t responded. She still hasn’t mentioned being served or the D.
Sooo I’m glad I shut down her disrespect. Probably could have been far briefer about it. I’m upset with myself for how angry I was over the situation. I shouldn’t let interactions like this get to me or effect my mood but it did today. Need to work on that. Thanks all
I’m concerned that you filing for a D was just for a reaction. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t care about her response was or quite frankly anything she does or says.
I get where you are coming from. I filed cuz I don’t want to be married to the person she has become. I want to be with who my W was. However that person is gone and I have no idea if or when she will come back. I filed for that reason. I don’t want to be stuck in limbo with the person I no longer respect, if she can work on her issues and become similar or better than her previous self, great. If not, D is the best option for me.
I agree though, I shouldn’t care what she thinks or does but idk being disrespected like that made me angry. The same way I would feel if anyone else in the world said that to me. Maybe that’s just how I am but I know I should have a better reign on my emotions.
I do however want to document our interactions and her reactions. Reading others situations and interactions around my BD was monumental in helping me understand what was going on and what to expect. If others reading my sitch feel less alone or learn anything at all from it, I will be glad.
I will add however, that for the first time since BD, I feel that I am the one in control. And it is a huge weight off of my shoulders.
I get where you are coming from. I filed cuz I don’t want to be married to the person she has become. I want to be with who my W was. However that person is gone and I have no idea if or when she will come back. I filed for that reason. I don’t want to be stuck in limbo with the person I no longer respect, if she can work on her issues and become similar or better than her previous self, great. If not, D is the best option for me.
I agree though, I shouldn’t care what she thinks or does but idk being disrespected like that made me angry. The same way I would feel if anyone else in the world said that to me. Maybe that’s just how I am but I know I should have a better reign on my emotions.
I do however want to document our interactions and her reactions. Reading others situations and interactions around my BD was monumental in helping me understand what was going on and what to expect. If others reading my sitch feel less alone or learn anything at all from it, I will be glad.
I will add however, that for the first time since BD, I feel that I am the one in control. And it is a huge weight off of my shoulders.
Thanks
I know it was hard to file for D since it probably wasn't what you wanted but it was probably for the best. I feel the same about my situation, it was filed last Friday - we were both cordial on it. I was torn inside but I had so many mixed feelings (anger, disgusted, betrayed, etc.) I couldn't look past on what she has done to me but in my heart I still love the woman, just not the one she has become.
I come here for a lot of support and you guys have been awesome. It definitely makes me feel less lonely given the circumstances. Even small updates, I'll post on here because I know I'll get a straight response/advice instead of beating around the bush.
It probably took a lot of strength for you to file but if you feel that was the right thing to do, more power to you. Especially since you mention that a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulder, a feeling of relief.
Keep working on your S and yourself. Stay positive, you'll come out as a bigger and better man.
Dropped S off and instead of instantly saying bye I let W initiate conversation. Need to to better at this in the future but anyway.
If she wants to talk that's fine, just limit your responses to validation comments.
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Me: I better get going
Good.
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W: what’re you gonna do? Me: probably go on a motorcycle ride
Next time- "I have some plans, need to get going." If her responses are that disrespectful then she doesn't deserve to know what your plans are.
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W: (mocking tone) ohhh I’m so cool, I have a motorcycle, I’m a doucheb*g. Me: Watch your mouth. Don’t talk to me like that.
Right idea but wrong attitude. Don't let her drag you down to her level.
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W: (still mocking) ohhh did I hurt your feelings. Me: no but you are being incredibly disrespectful. Goodbye.
THAT is the right attitude. Perfect.
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She kept going trying to draw me back but I left.
Great!
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Hour later she texts me picture of S and “S wants to show you his new backpack”. I haven’t responded.
On the off chance that your S really did want to show it to you, I would not ignore messages about S. Reply back with a response to him such as "Tell S I think that backpack looks awesome."
Hey Leo, I’m familiar with your sitch. But yeah haha as bad as it sounds I’m glad there are others going through this. I obviously wouldn’t wish this on anyone but I’m glad we have all been able to provide support and advice to others in similar situations to our own.
AS, I appreciate your analysis. I enjoyed getting feedback on my conversations it is appreciated. Like I said I felt that I did well in some places but not great in others.
Sooo bit of a question. W has been texting me a lot more than previously. My guess is that it’s just distance pursuit in action.
Anyway she first texted apologizing about the other day. I didn’t reply. Then she asked if I would come to the park with her and my S tomorrow. I politely declined because I have work. She then replied that “ok well let me know if you can make it work or change your mind”. I didn’t reply to this. A few hours later another text. “I want to get lunch with you tomorrow.”
I’m not sure what the point of all this is. I made it clear over a month ago that I wasn’t interested in being friends or having family time anymore. I did well at enforcing this and thought she had gotten the message.
I do not think this is any attempt to reconnect as I truly don’t believe she feels remorse for her actions and I still think she has resentment from the past year of me not showing her enough love. It just seems like she still needs to go through the long process.
As I’m typing this she texted me trying to plan a breakfast date the day after tomorrow. Wtf.
If she is asking you to spend time with her without your S then maybe she wants to spend some time with you.
"I do not think this is any attempt to reconnect as I truly don't believe she feels remorse for her actions and I still think she has resentment from the past year of me not showing enough love"
I don't think you should be guessing at what she is thinking...if it's one thing we've all learned it's that there is no use in trying to figure out the WAS.
What if she is making an attempt to reconnect? And here you are denying all attempts.
If you're detached can't you accept the odd invite and see what happens?
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Generally the forum will advise against playing family, etc. This is great advice because so many of us fall into the same familiar LBS traps of holding onto hope then getting punched in the nuts.
If you have achieved a state of loving detachment, you are free to choose what you want to do. Family time or not? Do what you want. Just don't do it with expectations.
As far as playing friends that is a little different. I will say I'm a little alarmed at your W reaching out so often at this time - be wary of any ulterior motives she may have. My guess is she wants to talk about the D.
Anyway she first texted apologizing about the other day. I didn’t reply. Then she asked if I would come to the park with her and my S tomorrow. I politely declined because I have work. She then replied that “ok well let me know if you can make it work or change your mind”. I didn’t reply to this. A few hours later another text. “I want to get lunch with you tomorrow.”
She pushed you away with her rude comments the other day and now she's trying to pull you back in. Good job not taking the bait! If she keeps this up then just tell her you're not interested in having a meal with her and ask her what it is that she wants.
Hey jac thanks for the reminder haha does no good trying to mind read.
U, my initial thoughts were the same as yours: she is stalling D for whatever reason.
AS, thanks but I actually ended up having lunch with her today, didn’t see your post in time oops.
So yeah we had lunch, first time in a long time. I was expecting her to bring up the D. She did not. Had a pleasant time, I’ll leave it at that. Still unsure of her motives and also sort of felt like it was a temp check or something.
Actually I had a broader point. She could be stalling, she could want to R, who knows, just be cautious and wary that it could be anything. I should have clarified that.
You are right. I know I shouldn’t be trying to mind read but I still do once in a while haha. It’s funny, you think you have DBing down well and then slip up here and there. There’s always things to improve on I suppose.
Few hours after lunch I got a “thanks for lunch” text. Replied “no worries”. She wrote a couple more texts that didn’t warrant a response from me so I didn’t reply. About an hour later I get a “I miss you” text. Replied with “oh really” text that I saw sandi recommend saying when you get similar messages.
I think her heart is softening towards me a bit, but there I go assuming her thoughts again lol.
GAL going well. Took my S to a water park and then to dinner with some friends. My hockey team has a game tonight and we’ve won 14 in a row, so I got that going for me.
Some close friends of mine just found out their 50 something year old father has been having an affair for months. Felt so much sympathy for them and was able to give them a lot of emotional support and advice. So brutal hearing about this. Before my sitch I probably wouldn’t have cared much, but having experienced it myself has really opened my eyes to the pain things like this cause. I know they must be hurting so much. Thanks guys
AS, thanks but I actually ended up having lunch with her today, didn’t see your post in time oops.
I was just suggesting that because I thought you didn't want to go, but obviously you were OK with it since you went She invited so it's fine if you go in that case (assuming you want to). It really messes with some people's detachment so it's a personal preference.
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So yeah we had lunch, first time in a long time. I was expecting her to bring up the D. She did not. Had a pleasant time, I’ll leave it at that. Still unsure of her motives and also sort of felt like it was a temp check or something.
GOOD! A lunch with zero pressure from you may very well help her to start seeing you in a different light.
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She wrote a couple more texts that didn’t warrant a response from me so I didn’t reply. About an hour later I get a “I miss you” text. Replied with “oh really” text that I saw sandi recommend saying when you get similar messages.
I think her heart is softening towards me a bit, but there I go assuming her thoughts again lol.
It's a good sign for sure. I wouldn't throw a party just yet, stick to your DB'ing. But she may very well be learning to miss you. Do you know the castle analogy? If not I'll pull it out of my notes and repost it. She's still going to run back in the castle now and then.
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GAL going well. Took my S to a water park and then to dinner with some friends. My hockey team has a game tonight and we’ve won 14 in a row, so I got that going for me.
IMO your W is just trying to manipulate you and control the situation. I wouldn't have responded to the " I miss you text". She doesn't like she is losing plan b because plan a is solidified. Based on your last few posts it sounds like you are not ready to D yet.
Hey AS, yes I’ve heard the castle analogy! Thanks for your feedback.
LH and Ginger thanks. Yes I get the feeling she is trying to manipulate too. Yes I don’t really want to D. But I think it’s for the best. I told her a couple months ago I wouldn’t be in an open R. Which is what it is now. I need to stick to my word. While I hope for R eventually, many things would have to change. I also plan on buying a house within the next year so the longer I sit around in marriage limbo the longer I will need to stall buying a house. My rent is pretty high at my current house so it feels like I’m just flushing my money down the drain the longer it takes to get my house. Thanks guys
I get and respect that you are being true to yourself and your values. I wish more LBS would do the same. Having said that then stick to them and no more lunches and responding to texts. Move forward with the process. If she truly wants to stop the process and reconcile then she will have to put on her big girl pants and do the necessary work. Not with games and manipulation but with hard work and maturity.
Welp got another lunch invite today, politely declined.
I feel like I know the answer to this but does not replying to texts ever seem a bit rude? I haven’t been replying to a lot of her texts lately and I wonder if this could come across as holding a grudge or something. For instance if I text someone and they don’t reply l know i get a little pissed.
I know the circumstances are different with her leaving me and all but I’ve said and acted in some pretty negative ways before BD and a big focus of mine currently is removing these negative actions. Thanks
lol. Here we go you’re worried about being rude. She left you for another man. Now that’s rude. That’s why you can’t accept these invitations for lunch because it makes you wishy washy. Not responding to her shows her that you respect yourself and you are done.
I feel like I know the answer to this but does not replying to texts ever seem a bit rude? I haven’t been replying to a lot of her texts lately and I wonder if this could come across as holding a grudge or something. For instance if I text someone and they don’t reply l know i get a little pissed.
The idea is to look like you are busy with your life and not particularly anxious to communicate with her because she's no longer your focus. Sometimes reply right away, sometimes a few hours later, sometimes not at all. That will make her think you are too busy for her. Now if you never, ever reply or if you reply in a very cold/ angry manner then she'll think it's rude.
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I know the circumstances are different with her leaving me and all but I’ve said and acted in some pretty negative ways before BD and a big focus of mine currently is removing these negative actions.
There are appropriate and inappropriate 180's. To give you a rather obvious example, if you never initiated sex before BD and that was one of her complaints, then after BD do you think it would be a good idea to be in her face trying to have sex all the time? Clearly not. You do 180's on the things that make sense and make you a better person. Not on the things that will do more harm than good (like trying to be chummy in texts).
I want to clarify some things based on my response and AS. If it’s about children or finances that yes use AS advice. Anything else you should not be responding. If you feel you are obligated which you are not then “no thanks” will suffice.
Again when you get to the point where you’re ready to D you shouldn’t give a fuch what she thinks. You may have jumped the gun.
Yeah I think I’ve been doing very well at this. It’s just with her being nice, inviting me places multiple times, and texting me and sending pictures multiple times a day, I was getting drawn back in a bit. That’s why I posted! I knew you guys would help me get back on the path!
Yeah I haven’t been responding to anything besides things related to son and when I do it’s usually hours later because I have many other higher priorities than replying to her. Love the feedback!
Excited for the weekend, I don’t have S this weekend so I’ve made plans every night to hang out with different group of friends each night. Tonight is buddy on hockey teams bday, gonna be wild! GAL is going great but at time of BD I was trying tons of new activities I hadn’t done before. Kind of slowed down on that, need to continue trying new things. Thanks guys
The texts and invites and pictures may be her way of feeling good about herself, that she's not cutting you out. It may be her way of feeling less bad about the D. Who knows?
My W will text me the strangest things sometimes. Stuff about her family that I could care less about now. I always appreciate pictures of our kids. You are co-parents, you will always be connected in that way.
Who knows what is in your future? If your W really wants you back, it will be obvious and you will know. Otherwise, you will be confused periodically.
Hi, I have a question for the vets : it seems that most people are afraid of filing for divorce because they fear that they will lose their wife forever. But why would it be more difficult to win her back after divorce rather than before ? Being legally married does not prevent WAW or WW from cheating or do whatever they want to do. I am really interested to hear your thoughts about this. In my case (which I have not explained yet on this forum), it has been 8 months since my wife said ILYBINILWY and moved out. Since then, I have not seen any change in her behavior and I am considering filing for divorce, hoping that it will demonstrate to her that I am detaching and I am ready to live without her. This way I am not the follower anymore. I see it as the ultimate LRT.
Hi, I have a question for the vets : it seems that most people are afraid of filing for divorce because they fear that they will lose their wife forever. But why would it be more difficult to win her back after divorce rather than before ? Being legally married does not prevent WAW or WW from cheating or do whatever they want to do. I am really interested to hear your thoughts about this. In my case (which I have not explained yet on this forum), it has been 8 months since my wife said ILYBINILWY and moved out. Since then, I have not seen any change in her behavior and I am considering filing for divorce, hoping that it will demonstrate to her that I am detaching and I am ready to live without her. This way I am not the follower anymore. I see it as the ultimate LRT.
What yo are writing is true it is the ultimate LRT but this is DIVORCEBUSTING so why would we advocate you get divorced?
Nothing you DO is going to wake them up or make them change. That is all on them. You need to do things that you can CONTROL not something you think is going to make them change. That is their own free will.
Please start your own thread to discuss this so we do not continue to hijack this thread.
For me, I got to this point where I realized that if I were to be divorced today, nothing in my life would change. That combined with not wanting to live in an open marriage are why I filed. I am still “married” but in all ideology I am single. I still love my W, or I should say I love who she was before she became WW, but have decided that I want to move on in life and not wait around hoping she will change back.
I know my time line is shorter than yours but things have gone pretty well for me post BD. I have checked many personal goals off my list and have really turned around a lot of my negative behaviors. All of this personal growth coupled with many new friends and lots of GAL have made this process pretty easy for me. Sure I have my ups and downs still but I have a lot going for me, and have much to be happy about.
Hopefully you feel similar and are ready to move on in life with or without your W. Like the vets said, D is not always the end.
Hi Hallzy9, I fully agree with what you said and I think you did the right thing by filing. I wish I had reached that state of mind where you feel completely detached and ready to move on, but I realized a couple of weeks ago that may not be the case yet (i will explain later in my own thread).
Still waiting to read it Jason! Haha jk take your time.
Just wanted to do a short update. Been reading a lot of other sitches and it feels really therapeutic for some reason, hopefully other people fee this way too and I’m not a weirdo.
This past weekend was the best I can recall in the past few years, and my W was not involved at all haha I guess that’s progress. Had so much fun and am really enjoying life right now. Today is pretty busy at work but I’ve kind of felt in a strange mood. I think I would typically describe today as a sad or low day emotionally but now I just feel neutral or indifferent. I guess this is just detachment progression. It’s amazing how low the lows are around BD but after just a few months of gal and focusing on myself even the lowest of days no longer really seem that low. Good progress I would say.
Saw W for exchange yesterday. At the end of the exchange she asked,
“So do you having a girlfriend or are you seeing multiple people” I responded “that’s none of your business” and left immediately.
Got an 11pm text that night. “Can’t sleep, I miss you. XO.”
I almost replied but then remembered that LH would grill me haha so I didn’t.
This morning she texted me pictures of son about to start school with his new backpack on. Replied briefly that he looked great. She replied “ yes he does. Maybe we can cuddle soon because I miss your cuddles.”
Laying on the temp checks but I think I’m doing well not feeding into it. Thanks
Everything’s going well. Still making new friends. Hockey team won the championship. Motorcycling with my roommate and brother a lot. Work is also going very well.
So I think my last post touched on the pursuit my W is making toward me which I have done good to avoid. Had an interesting conversation over text. She’s been texting almost daily now usually non important stuff or things related to S. She has ramped up the amount of offers, asking to cuddle or get food together. Today started like that and she got no reply from me, because she didn’t ask a question and I didn’t think what she said warranted a response. A bit after my no reply she texts:
W: this is crazy are you sure we should be doing this? This is literally crazy. Me: doing what? W: the divorce Me: well yes, I told you I wouldn’t live in an open marriage. W: this is crazy, are you sure we should really divorce? Me: we aren’t together so I don’t really see the point of staying married. W: no you’re right but we should have been working on it Me: I guess but you left W: you shouldn’t d have let me leave, we should have been going to counseling this whole time Me: I told you I didn’t agree with your choice and thought you were making a mistake W: it was really selfish of me and I have to live with that. But we should have gone to counseling. Me: (reminded her that I had asked to go to counseling and she denied) W: I know, I don’t know what I was thinking. Should we try to work on it?
At this point I told her I would need to think about things as I wasn’t really prepared for this question.
I have many reservations about this. One of the main ones being that: yes she did show some remorse but in some of her writing if she is trying to place blame on me for her leaving, which I’ve read is not good. Otherwise, I loved who my W used to be, but I don’t think she is herself again, I don’t really know though as I haven’t spent time with her and I always cut our conversations short. (She mentioned this and said that she was trying to connect with me through taking.) This could have been the case but then I am wondering, wouldn’t trying to reconnect be more than just talking more again?
Anyway not really sure what to do/ how to approach this. I don’t really know what I want. If W was back to her old self and fully out of WWness I would want to give it a try. If she is still WW or behaving in this new mannner since BD then I am simply not interested in her.
This was the first time she has mentioned remorse, although it didn’t seem like much, she did accept that it was her fault moving out and that it was a bad idea.
I would love some advice from you guys on how to approach this. Currently I am not really concerned with it because my life is pretty awesome as is and right now she is far from the top of my list of priorities. Funny to think how a week after BD I would have been thrilled to hear her talk like this and now I’m just indifferent to it. Like I feel that any outcome is fine and nothing would change all that much for me.
IMO it’s manipulation and best case scenario you end up back here in 10 years. But if you want to get kicked in the nuts again then I would look at her actions. Will she set up MC appointments and get into IC? It’s not normal for a woman with a baby to leave her husband after being married a year.
Lastly, if our LBS went back to who they use to be then there would be way more recons. Most do not.
I'd do some intel recon first, and subtly find out if "her plan A" OP/OM fell through. Remember the terms "hypergamy, and monkey branching." See how feelings are never consistent? It is good she is coming around to her senses, and having second thoughts. But you have to figure out what the motivator for it is. Is it because she is regretting her decision because she knows she will lose you forever, and D will be finalized? Or is it because her Plan A at the time fell through? Remember. Do you see how some time ago they were completely done and ready and willing to walk based on their feelings but yet the same time they're pursuing other people for a bigger better deal? Or grass is greener fantasy choice. Don't forget that. The whole plan A plan B dynamic is hypergamy. They're willing to walk, either because they are going through changes I want to pursue their independence and their own confidence, because they have already secured a bigger but a deal so they think. When you were willing to work on it they weren't and now that you're unwilling they all of a sudden are?
you can either be right, and move forward based off your principles and experience, or you can be flexible, give it time and space and see where her remorse takes you. I think your response that you'll think about it is the correct one. I am only seeing the tip of the iceberg of her remorse and regret, she is probing, she is not yet ready to fully commit to do whatever it takes. She is probing. If she is asking and not telling "we should work on it" she is unsure of herself, or waiting or putting the responsibility for you to take the lead and decision, when it is hers, since she is the one that wanted to leave. Notice the "You should have let me leave" statement. Notice she takes no accountability on her part, And tries to get you to shoulder it. Yes look at her actions and not her words.
Yes LH, I am suspicious as well. I still don’t think she even knows what she wants.
IHC those are some great points. Truely I have no idea about her OP. Around time of BD I saw red flags but found no concrete evidence. I found DB very quickly and stopped snooping. So I really have no clue. I did see her out and I also saw her old hookup from years ago. They weren’t near each other but I found it far too coincidental.
As for hypergamy, although biased I think I’m hard to beat lol. Very physically fit, well paying job, very socially inclined. Dated around 20 girls since W moved out with many of them intending to be more serious than I was lol. I do admit I had really started to neglect W over the past year. So it’s very possible someone who is far inferior to me told her some kind words that gave her the attention she was craving. But yes I have no clue if her fantasy is failing. She did mention to me a week ago, that her mom was really bothering her and she was finding it difficult to live with her. She works a low paying job in an expensive area. I am starting to think the fantasy is ending.
I am in a strange mindset. I don’t trust her and I am really enjoying life as it is now. Her response to my divorce is due within the next week. Is this all a stalling method by her, or does she actually fear that she has lost me. Only time will tell. I think I will observe her actions as much as I can from a distance. Otherwise I will proceed with the D as was planned.
Life’s good. In a good place. Just hoping to get some answers. W has expressed to me that she wants to reconnect. I just don’t know how much I buy into this.
I do think that my filing has some what made her realize she will lose me. Since I filed there has been a large increase in texts, phone calls and requests to spend time together: with and without our son.
She has requested counseling and said that we should have been doing counseling this whole time. She has admitted guilt that moving out was the wrong choice and that denying my request for counseling was the wrong choice.
She intends on quitting her job soon, where her new group of party friends/enablers work.
I feel that these are all good signs but I am very very skeptical on how serious she is on this matter. When she has inquired about the divorce, I have held my ground that I will not live in an open marriage and that D is the right choice if we are not actively working on the M.
For me to consider taking her back I believe that I have a pretty specific list on what I am looking for out of her actions: no late night partying and drinking, remorse (which she has shown) and admittance that her decision was wrong (which she has some what admitted) I am also looking for positive changes in her, which I am still observing. She was heavily codependent on me during our previous R, and things would need to be different. She has developed a group of girlfriends which is a positive when considering codependency but I am unsure if they will be a positive influence on her. Some of the friend are definitely enablers but some are wholesome people so if she were to only spend time with the positive influences I would be happy.
The advice I am hoping to receive: how do I handle this? Do I treat it like a new relationship and accept her invitation to go on dates? Do I stop the LRT and start building a friendship again? Do I continue with LRT and push the D through?
My current position is that I don’t want to jump right in. If anything I would want small amounts of contact in person so I can gauge her seriousness on reconnecting.
I am very pro family and think that my son deserves to have his parents together but only if it could be a happy, growing relationship. And as done with the BS as I was, I would hate to deny an actually attempt at R on her part as my morals have been focused on fixing a relationship as opposed to giving up, that’s why I am here obviously. I admit I was not equipped with the skills to handle and work on a long term relationship. I would like to think that I am now and have learned many of the skills required.
Well H you know her words don't mean jack $hit so it's all about actions. The first action that she could take is to get into IC. You know how I feel without serious work on her end you will most likely end up back here at some point. If she jumped ship after year 1 of marriage wait until 15 years from now when things really get stressful. As for remorse on her part, I doubt it, she's just doesn't like that you are taking control of the situation and she wants the control back. I'm sure you have Intel that confirm she's still partying and stepping outside the marriage.
Again these posts confirm you weren't ready for divorce and were looking for a reaction.
Hallzy - you seem like you are in a really good place emotionally. I don't have any advice but I'm glad to hear there may be some sunlight in your situation. Take things slow and make sure she makes the changes. I agree with LH -IC should be mandatory on her end.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Hey H, you don´t need to rush. Take your time, set some boundaries and wait for actions. I´m a dark side survivor, I believe that a MR deserves a second chance more when you have a son. But work must be done. From both of you.
Read some about piecing.
Actions, hope, DB
Stay strong there H!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Just like the others said. Remain skeptical and at a distance. It sounds like she said and promised so many things that it's not very realistic for them all to happen quickly. True change takes time. Think about Sandi's rules -- she is doing the "begging and pleading" that so many of us do when we are first BD'ed. Now it is in reverse.
IC for her would be the first step. I wouldn't even consider going to MC until she starts going to IC for awhile first.
Yeah I’m absolutely trying to take this slow. Right I need to focus on her actions. So far we haven’t had a serious R talk about expectations for R. I don’t really know when the time for that would be, but I am trying to gauge where she is right now and if the fog is lifting. I imagine that when we have this talk would be the time to ask her to go to IC.
For now I’m focused on spending a little more time with her and just talking and seeing how I feel.
About a week ago, after she spoke of wanting to work on things, we went on a date. It went well and conversation was smooth. She asked if we could stop at my house after and we had S*x. Lots of making out. Even when we were at the restaurant.
Since then she has texted every day asking about my day and talking about other things. She has requested another date next week as well as a family dinner on a separate day with our S. Not sure what the process is now. She has also called me a couple times just to talk. She regularly sends me pictures of herself. She has even sent a s*xy picture.
After the last date she disclosed to me how she is struggling with depression. Could be post partum but I’m not sure.
She also mentioned a couple of times moving back in with me but it was said as we were joking around so I’m not sure the seriousness of the comment, as well as I know we are not currently in a place where that would be a good idea haha.
I’ve been reading some of the piecing threads and the general consensus is that this takes time for both parties. That there is no rush and to just take things slowly. There has been no disrespect from her. She has been pleasant toward me and seems to be interested in me. The partying seems to have stopped or decreased. The past few nights she hasnt had S, she texted and sent me pictures most of the night.
Obviously she will still go out with her friends which I don’t have a problem with unless it is irresponsible binge drinking till 2am. I know I shouldn’t believe what she says, but she told me that she hasn’t been out drinking excessively lately as well as saying that she never drinks on weekdays.
Sorry kind of rambling here but just wondering if I should be accepting these invites, obviously I will decline if I have prior plans. I tried rereading DR but was a little confused about which advise would apply to my current sitch.
Hey hey, so I received her response to my filing papers yesterday. Nothing crazy on it and 50/50 custody. She texted me asking that in the next few days we go out to dinner and “talk about things” IE talk about working on it.
Lol I guess progress is being made considering 5 months ago she was “done” but there is still a lot of work to be done.
What I’m really hoping for advice on, is how I should approach this R working on it discussion. I want her in IC and if that works out I want MC down the road. I don’t know a numerical timeline for this. I would also like to go on a date once a week without son. Full transparency would be good too, I’ve never been an insecure snooping guy but I’d like to know that if I wanted to look I could.
After I got her response we talked a bit, she said that she really wished we would have talked about it before the deadline. I’ve noticed a change in her wording lately. A few months ago all blame was on me: “you did this, you didn’t do that”. Recently it seems to have shifted to “we should have” or even “I should or shouldn’t have done so and so”. I feel this is a good sign and she seems to be caring of my feelings which was the polar opposite during BD.
I know it’s the weekend and everyone is busy but if someone could drop some quick advice on how to manage the upcoming R talk it would be really appreciated! Thanks all
You have to set your boundaries and some of your expectations. The beginning of recon will be all this passion and out of nowhere/boom then the real work will start. All the questions and doubts will form. You will go up and down, round and round. I'm just preparing you for what will come.
IMO, the R conversation needs to be light and direct. Don't make it too heavy. Recon will talk a while, and both of you will have plenty of time to get into heavy convo.
Problems won't be solved with this talk, but some important information can be presented. You need to inform her of the things you will and won't tolerate and the things you can and cannot live with.
I would write them down and rehearsed them so you can tell her in a clear and concise way and you can know exactly what you want.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Jac and joe, thanks for the advice, it’s really appreciated.
Wow what a fckin mess. I don’t know if I would even consider this piecing.
So since my last post we have:
Had s*x three times. Been on a couple dates. Had lunch together with our son. One of the s*x nights, she invited me over to watch one of our old favorite tv shows together.
Every time we see each other it’s great. Conversation is easy. There has been a lot of kissing and making out. Which is supposedly a good thing as there was none of that around BD. There’s a lot of talk about previous good memories which is awesome to talk about.
There was talk about the future: having more kids. Going on vacation. Positive things as around BD it was over according to her.
Any way, we had great conversation at dinner, until our R talk happened.
Basically she said she was gonna fight me. That she didn’t want 50:50 and I was crazy if I thought she would give that up. Currently 60/40. I argued a bit but realized that what ever I said didn’t really matter and switched to validation. She said that she wished we had talked about this more before her response. She also expressed that she thought my filing was rushed which indeed it was. She asked what the event was that caused me to file. She believed it was me seeing her out when it was her day with our son. She said it was because it was her birthday and that it was the only time she has gone out while it was day with S.
I told her that I had seen who was there that night: her old hookup from 7 years ago. She replied that she knew there was some event that caused me to file. She believed it was because I saw her out on a night with S under her care. I told her I knew who she was with and that was why. She denied and said she hadn’t talked to that guy for years. My instinct told me to trust that as the truth but who fckin knows right.
So after this awkward R talk I quickly switched gears to another topic and we talked more about memories from the past and our S.
Overall it was a good night besides the R talk. We discussed self differentiation and how it’s great she has a group of friends now. As during our R she basically sat at home and distanced herself from friends. Through no controlling of myself. We discussed our separate growth in a positive way. She expressed that she sees herself having more children with me but isn’t sure when.
I believe she is very close with her new group of friends and doesn’t want to give up her new lifestyle. Her mom is a supporter of me and W has told me that MIL has expressed many times that she hopes we will get back together and she will pray about it.
We ended up going on a bit of an adventure and had a lot of fun. We ended up having s*x with lots of kissing and cuddling. Things have obviously improved since BD but I still feel in limbo. She also mention that “ we’re in the middle of a divorce, but maybe not” signifying confusion.
Moving way to fast, no I don’t really think this is headed anywhere. I don’t think Recon is gonna happen. She is way too involved with her friends now and that seems to take priority over everything to her. It’s strange because she seems to enjoy spending time with me again but maybe it’s nothing more than just having some fun. I don’t believe she’s in a place where she is ready to commit to a relationship again and I think she is still very confused about what she wants. I’m enjoying the s*x but I don’t really think its much more than that.
As for manipulating, I can’t really think of a reason for her to manipulate me at the moment. It’s not like she’s stalling the D as she already retained a lawyer. I’m just not sure what she is gaining by spending time with me.
Yes I know that I have grown immensely. A lot of my old friends say that I’m a new person in many positive ways and my new friends are a result of my changes. I have definitely 180/removed most of my previous negative behaviors.
She has changed as well. She seems to be far more independent which is good considering she basically lost her identity in our R and had almost no self differentiation which we discussed last night.
My stipulations for recon would be, transparency, IC, MC and treating it like a new R but I don’t think any of this will happen or at least not anytime soon.
I guess I forgot to mention we discussed her “wanting to work on things”. A week ago she discussed that we should have been working on things this whole time, that we should have been in MC and that she shouldn’t have moved out. Last night she waffled on this and said “I didn’t say we should be working on things now” (which she did say) “I said we should have been”. Which isn’t at all what she said a week ago.
A big point for her was that she spent a ton of money to retain a lawyer and feels that she has to press things forward, but she later expressed she was still unsure of divorce.
I just don’t care at this point, I filed because she had shown no interest in working on things or doing things together until a couple weeks ago. Now that she is unsure of what she wants, it doesn’t really matter to me how this unfolds. Just gonna continue to focus on myself and my son. I may need to pull back now. What do you guys think?
I think she just enjoys toying with you and securing you as plan b in case it doesn’t work out with the other dude. If you pull back she will just pursue you and suck you right back in.
Hey guys, took a bit of a break from posting, thought I’d give a little update.
I ended up having a few sessions with a DB counselor, really awesome guy. He greatly helped me figure out some things I was questioning.
Things with W are up and down. We have been talking everyday over text and some days video chat. We’ve had a good amount of dates not with and without our son present. She is definitely softening towards me but there is along way to go.
This process is slow, and my counselor explained that after feeling so hurt that she had to leave, our WAWs are hesitant because they don’t want to be hurt again. She has seen my changes and 180s and believes them, but is understandably skeptical.
There hasn’t been any disrespect from here and she no longer brings up the hit list. Intimacy is good but not at a level I am happy with. Could be awhile before it improves greatly but I am trying to be patient.
Other than that, things are good, I’ve kept up with GAL and am having a ton of fun with my S.
Last few months have been busy. I’ve still been talking to my coach on a roughly bi weekly schedule. Things with W have improved greatly but there is still a long road and a lot of work to go.
The W and I have been spending a decent amount of time together. We’ve gone on some dates, both with and without our son. We have gone on two weekend trips, she has spend the night at my house a handful of times. We are in contact mostly every day. I am continuing with my GaL and she is as well.
It seems that her heart is softening towards me finally. She is no longer critical and hasn’t shown disrespect. I have 180d on all negative behaviors and I think she is finally buying into these changes.
The s*x is consistent although not as often as I would like. There has been lots of physical contact and occasionally I notice her reach out and rub or grab my arm in public. Recently we began kissing again. Not every time we see each other but she is becoming far more receptive to it. Man I must sound like a 12 year old getting excited about kissing haha.
Long ago I was given advice from Steve about filling her love bucket, in my case, words of affirmation. At the beginning of my sitch, when I started trying to use words of affirmation, my W wouldn’t even acknowledge what I said. Now she is very receptive and even appreciative of my words of affirmation.
Improvements are slow at this point but looking at all the progress made in the past 8 months, many positives can be seen.
My W and I still have insecurities about each other and I am working on dismissing these thoughts. I haven’t asked her to move back in yet and I don’t think we should rush into living together again. I want to make sure we can reconnect and work through some issues before making such a drastic change.
We argue occasionally but I feel I am able to handle these much better after all of the reading and advice I have received throughout this sitch.
Lots of work to do still. But things are getting better. Hope everyone’s well.
She invited so it's fine if you go in that case (assuming you want to). It really messes with some people's detachment so it's a personal preference.