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Hallzy9 #2864945 09/11/19 08:42 AM
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Jac and joe, thanks for the advice, it’s really appreciated.

Wow what a fckin mess. I don’t know if I would even consider this piecing.

So since my last post we have:

Had s*x three times. Been on a couple dates. Had lunch together with our son. One of the s*x nights, she invited me over to watch one of our old favorite tv shows together.

Every time we see each other it’s great. Conversation is easy. There has been a lot of kissing and making out. Which is supposedly a good thing as there was none of that around BD. There’s a lot of talk about previous good memories which is awesome to talk about.

There was talk about the future: having more kids. Going on vacation. Positive things as around BD it was over according to her.

Any way, we had great conversation at dinner, until our R talk happened.

Basically she said she was gonna fight me. That she didn’t want 50:50 and I was crazy if I thought she would give that up. Currently 60/40. I argued a bit but realized that what ever I said didn’t really matter and switched to validation. She said that she wished we had talked about this more before her response. She also expressed that she thought my filing was rushed which indeed it was. She asked what the event was that caused me to file. She believed it was me seeing her out when it was her day with our son. She said it was because it was her birthday and that it was the only time she has gone out while it was day with S.

I told her that I had seen who was there that night: her old hookup from 7 years ago. She replied that she knew there was some event that caused me to file. She believed it was because I saw her out on a night with S under her care. I told her I knew who she was with and that was why. She denied and said she hadn’t talked to that guy for years. My instinct told me to trust that as the truth but who fckin knows right.

So after this awkward R talk I quickly switched gears to another topic and we talked more about memories from the past and our S.

Overall it was a good night besides the R talk. We discussed self differentiation and how it’s great she has a group of friends now. As during our R she basically sat at home and distanced herself from friends. Through no controlling of myself. We discussed our separate growth in a positive way. She expressed that she sees herself having more children with me but isn’t sure when.

I believe she is very close with her new group of friends and doesn’t want to give up her new lifestyle. Her mom is a supporter of me and W has told me that MIL has expressed many times that she hopes we will get back together and she will pray about it.

We ended up going on a bit of an adventure and had a lot of fun. We ended up having s*x with lots of kissing and cuddling. Things have obviously improved since BD but I still feel in limbo. She also mention that “ we’re in the middle of a divorce, but maybe not” signifying confusion.

Don’t really know how to continue on.


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Hallzy9 #2864951 09/11/19 11:10 AM
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H,

Don’t you think you are moving way to fast here?

Don’t you think it’s possible you’re being manipulated still?

How has she grown? How have you grown?

What are you stipulations for recon? If you don’t seriously address this you will most likely end up here again in the future.

Hallzy9 #2864988 09/11/19 04:24 PM
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Hey LH,

Moving way to fast, no I don’t really think this is headed anywhere. I don’t think Recon is gonna happen. She is way too involved with her friends now and that seems to take priority over everything to her. It’s strange because she seems to enjoy spending time with me again but maybe it’s nothing more than just having some fun. I don’t believe she’s in a place where she is ready to commit to a relationship again and I think she is still very confused about what she wants. I’m enjoying the s*x but I don’t really think its much more than that.

As for manipulating, I can’t really think of a reason for her to manipulate me at the moment. It’s not like she’s stalling the D as she already retained a lawyer. I’m just not sure what she is gaining by spending time with me.

Yes I know that I have grown immensely. A lot of my old friends say that I’m a new person in many positive ways and my new friends are a result of my changes. I have definitely 180/removed most of my previous negative behaviors.

She has changed as well. She seems to be far more independent which is good considering she basically lost her identity in our R and had almost no self differentiation which we discussed last night.

My stipulations for recon would be, transparency, IC, MC and treating it like a new R but I don’t think any of this will happen or at least not anytime soon.

I guess I forgot to mention we discussed her “wanting to work on things”. A week ago she discussed that we should have been working on things this whole time, that we should have been in MC and that she shouldn’t have moved out. Last night she waffled on this and said “I didn’t say we should be working on things now” (which she did say) “I said we should have been”. Which isn’t at all what she said a week ago.

A big point for her was that she spent a ton of money to retain a lawyer and feels that she has to press things forward, but she later expressed she was still unsure of divorce.

I just don’t care at this point, I filed because she had shown no interest in working on things or doing things together until a couple weeks ago. Now that she is unsure of what she wants, it doesn’t really matter to me how this unfolds. Just gonna continue to focus on myself and my son. I may need to pull back now. What do you guys think?

Last edited by Hallzy9; 09/11/19 04:26 PM.

Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Hallzy9 #2864997 09/11/19 05:01 PM
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I think she just enjoys toying with you and securing you as plan b in case it doesn’t work out with the other dude. If you pull back she will just pursue you and suck you right back in.

Hallzy9 #2865008 09/11/19 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Hallzy9

Just gonna continue to focus on myself and my son.


this!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Hallzy9 #2867259 10/04/19 02:32 AM
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Hey guys, took a bit of a break from posting, thought I’d give a little update.

I ended up having a few sessions with a DB counselor, really awesome guy. He greatly helped me figure out some things I was questioning.

Things with W are up and down. We have been talking everyday over text and some days video chat. We’ve had a good amount of dates not with and without our son present. She is definitely softening towards me but there is along way to go.

This process is slow, and my counselor explained that after feeling so hurt that she had to leave, our WAWs are hesitant because they don’t want to be hurt again. She has seen my changes and 180s and believes them, but is understandably skeptical.

There hasn’t been any disrespect from here and she no longer brings up the hit list. Intimacy is good but not at a level I am happy with. Could be awhile before it improves greatly but I am trying to be patient.

Other than that, things are good, I’ve kept up with GAL and am having a ton of fun with my S.

Goodluck all


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Hallzy9 #2873512 11/27/19 08:04 AM
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Hey all, been a minute. Just wanted to update.

Last few months have been busy. I’ve still been talking to my coach on a roughly bi weekly schedule. Things with W have improved greatly but there is still a long road and a lot of work to go.

The W and I have been spending a decent amount of time together. We’ve gone on some dates, both with and without our son. We have gone on two weekend trips, she has spend the night at my house a handful of times. We are in contact mostly every day. I am continuing with my GaL and she is as well.

It seems that her heart is softening towards me finally. She is no longer critical and hasn’t shown disrespect. I have 180d on all negative behaviors and I think she is finally buying into these changes.

The s*x is consistent although not as often as I would like. There has been lots of physical contact and occasionally I notice her reach out and rub or grab my arm in public. Recently we began kissing again. Not every time we see each other but she is becoming far more receptive to it. Man I must sound like a 12 year old getting excited about kissing haha.

Long ago I was given advice from Steve about filling her love bucket, in my case, words of affirmation. At the beginning of my sitch, when I started trying to use words of affirmation, my W wouldn’t even acknowledge what I said. Now she is very receptive and even appreciative of my words of affirmation.

Improvements are slow at this point but looking at all the progress made in the past 8 months, many positives can be seen.

My W and I still have insecurities about each other and I am working on dismissing these thoughts. I haven’t asked her to move back in yet and I don’t think we should rush into living together again. I want to make sure we can reconnect and work through some issues before making such a drastic change.

We argue occasionally but I feel I am able to handle these much better after all of the reading and advice I have received throughout this sitch.

Lots of work to do still. But things are getting better. Hope everyone’s well.


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Hallzy9 #2873608 11/27/19 06:58 PM
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Sounds like things are moving well. My one suggestion would be to never argue with a woman. Listen and validate her feelings and agree to disagree.

Hallzy9 #2873621 11/27/19 07:27 PM
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That's great Halzy I love reading stories like these. Gives everyone here hope.

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