For me, I got to this point where I realized that if I were to be divorced today, nothing in my life would change. That combined with not wanting to live in an open marriage are why I filed. I am still “married” but in all ideology I am single. I still love my W, or I should say I love who she was before she became WW, but have decided that I want to move on in life and not wait around hoping she will change back.
I know my time line is shorter than yours but things have gone pretty well for me post BD. I have checked many personal goals off my list and have really turned around a lot of my negative behaviors. All of this personal growth coupled with many new friends and lots of GAL have made this process pretty easy for me. Sure I have my ups and downs still but I have a lot going for me, and have much to be happy about.
Hopefully you feel similar and are ready to move on in life with or without your W. Like the vets said, D is not always the end.
Hi Hallzy9, I fully agree with what you said and I think you did the right thing by filing. I wish I had reached that state of mind where you feel completely detached and ready to move on, but I realized a couple of weeks ago that may not be the case yet (i will explain later in my own thread).
Still waiting to read it Jason! Haha jk take your time.
Just wanted to do a short update. Been reading a lot of other sitches and it feels really therapeutic for some reason, hopefully other people fee this way too and I’m not a weirdo.
This past weekend was the best I can recall in the past few years, and my W was not involved at all haha I guess that’s progress. Had so much fun and am really enjoying life right now. Today is pretty busy at work but I’ve kind of felt in a strange mood. I think I would typically describe today as a sad or low day emotionally but now I just feel neutral or indifferent. I guess this is just detachment progression. It’s amazing how low the lows are around BD but after just a few months of gal and focusing on myself even the lowest of days no longer really seem that low. Good progress I would say.
Saw W for exchange yesterday. At the end of the exchange she asked,
“So do you having a girlfriend or are you seeing multiple people” I responded “that’s none of your business” and left immediately.
Got an 11pm text that night. “Can’t sleep, I miss you. XO.”
I almost replied but then remembered that LH would grill me haha so I didn’t.
This morning she texted me pictures of son about to start school with his new backpack on. Replied briefly that he looked great. She replied “ yes he does. Maybe we can cuddle soon because I miss your cuddles.”
Laying on the temp checks but I think I’m doing well not feeding into it. Thanks
Everything’s going well. Still making new friends. Hockey team won the championship. Motorcycling with my roommate and brother a lot. Work is also going very well.
So I think my last post touched on the pursuit my W is making toward me which I have done good to avoid. Had an interesting conversation over text. She’s been texting almost daily now usually non important stuff or things related to S. She has ramped up the amount of offers, asking to cuddle or get food together. Today started like that and she got no reply from me, because she didn’t ask a question and I didn’t think what she said warranted a response. A bit after my no reply she texts:
W: this is crazy are you sure we should be doing this? This is literally crazy. Me: doing what? W: the divorce Me: well yes, I told you I wouldn’t live in an open marriage. W: this is crazy, are you sure we should really divorce? Me: we aren’t together so I don’t really see the point of staying married. W: no you’re right but we should have been working on it Me: I guess but you left W: you shouldn’t d have let me leave, we should have been going to counseling this whole time Me: I told you I didn’t agree with your choice and thought you were making a mistake W: it was really selfish of me and I have to live with that. But we should have gone to counseling. Me: (reminded her that I had asked to go to counseling and she denied) W: I know, I don’t know what I was thinking. Should we try to work on it?
At this point I told her I would need to think about things as I wasn’t really prepared for this question.
I have many reservations about this. One of the main ones being that: yes she did show some remorse but in some of her writing if she is trying to place blame on me for her leaving, which I’ve read is not good. Otherwise, I loved who my W used to be, but I don’t think she is herself again, I don’t really know though as I haven’t spent time with her and I always cut our conversations short. (She mentioned this and said that she was trying to connect with me through taking.) This could have been the case but then I am wondering, wouldn’t trying to reconnect be more than just talking more again?
Anyway not really sure what to do/ how to approach this. I don’t really know what I want. If W was back to her old self and fully out of WWness I would want to give it a try. If she is still WW or behaving in this new mannner since BD then I am simply not interested in her.
This was the first time she has mentioned remorse, although it didn’t seem like much, she did accept that it was her fault moving out and that it was a bad idea.
I would love some advice from you guys on how to approach this. Currently I am not really concerned with it because my life is pretty awesome as is and right now she is far from the top of my list of priorities. Funny to think how a week after BD I would have been thrilled to hear her talk like this and now I’m just indifferent to it. Like I feel that any outcome is fine and nothing would change all that much for me.
IMO it’s manipulation and best case scenario you end up back here in 10 years. But if you want to get kicked in the nuts again then I would look at her actions. Will she set up MC appointments and get into IC? It’s not normal for a woman with a baby to leave her husband after being married a year.
Lastly, if our LBS went back to who they use to be then there would be way more recons. Most do not.
I'd do some intel recon first, and subtly find out if "her plan A" OP/OM fell through. Remember the terms "hypergamy, and monkey branching." See how feelings are never consistent? It is good she is coming around to her senses, and having second thoughts. But you have to figure out what the motivator for it is. Is it because she is regretting her decision because she knows she will lose you forever, and D will be finalized? Or is it because her Plan A at the time fell through? Remember. Do you see how some time ago they were completely done and ready and willing to walk based on their feelings but yet the same time they're pursuing other people for a bigger better deal? Or grass is greener fantasy choice. Don't forget that. The whole plan A plan B dynamic is hypergamy. They're willing to walk, either because they are going through changes I want to pursue their independence and their own confidence, because they have already secured a bigger but a deal so they think. When you were willing to work on it they weren't and now that you're unwilling they all of a sudden are?
you can either be right, and move forward based off your principles and experience, or you can be flexible, give it time and space and see where her remorse takes you. I think your response that you'll think about it is the correct one. I am only seeing the tip of the iceberg of her remorse and regret, she is probing, she is not yet ready to fully commit to do whatever it takes. She is probing. If she is asking and not telling "we should work on it" she is unsure of herself, or waiting or putting the responsibility for you to take the lead and decision, when it is hers, since she is the one that wanted to leave. Notice the "You should have let me leave" statement. Notice she takes no accountability on her part, And tries to get you to shoulder it. Yes look at her actions and not her words.
