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Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861876
08/19/19 10:53 AM
08/19/19 10:53 AM
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Ginger1 Online
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Im sorry your son was unappreciative if what you had planned for his birthday.

Your son sounds depressed to me. Do you think he might be? His moods appear very labor for a 25 year old. Maybe something a 16 year old boy would be experiencing through puberty, but not a 25 year old guy. Maybe in one of his better moods you can talk to him about it??

And the military sounds like a good plan.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861884
08/19/19 11:48 AM
08/19/19 11:48 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Andrew

S25 does sound a bit depressed. Anger turned inward, perhaps. I would suppose, having my own kids tell me their feelings in this, that when he looks at his life it is not how he imagined it. Hes is 25, got a great Dad, a sort of Mom, living at home, GF?, steady job?, job he likes?, outlook towards future?, and so on. You know, the weight of adulthood pressing upon him. It will take some time for him to get out this funk and accept things. Our children have a path and journey to walk as well. Divorce has lots of casualties.

From what Ive read in your post, S25 is showing good signs towards accepting and embracing his life. I will add my own very personal opinion, even though I did tell myself I should stay out of this, the use of our countrys new legal drug is another way to escape ones problems/reality and not face them. Im not a fan of it. Instant gratification doesnt last, hard work does.

Hope today is good for you, and son.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S20 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861889
08/19/19 12:36 PM
08/19/19 12:36 PM
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Westo Online
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Quick question, has he changed in his manner since B left? Btw, fwiw.....Im proud of you.

You are an amazing dad.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: Westo] #2861890
08/19/19 12:49 PM
08/19/19 12:49 PM
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Posts: 26,407
Southern Maryland
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I am sorry that your son acted like he didn't appreciate all of the work you put into making his birthday special. I am sure the food and the cake were delicious.

Andrew, you have been doing a great job trying to work a job, take care of the home and be there as a supportive parent to your son and your daughter throughout all of this. It's time to really focus on you. Your son will work out whatever is bothering him. You do not have any idea what is going through his head at the moment and like you said, no point I stirring the pot. When he's ready, he may very well come talk to you and you might be surprised as to what he may have to tell you.

For now, just know that you've done a great job of juggling everything. Hope this week is a better one for you.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861891
08/19/19 01:14 PM
08/19/19 01:14 PM
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bttrfly Offline
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morning Andrew ... I will share what people tell me - how they act outwardly towards us is often not a true reflection of. how they really feel. I agree with everyone else -you've done a great job keeping all the apples in the air. time to stop juggling for a bit and take care of yourself.

btw I also agree with DnJ ... I see the same here, in the aftermath of recent legalization. hard work is the shortcut, as a friend recently said.
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Rumi
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: Westo] #2861905
08/19/19 02:40 PM
08/19/19 02:40 PM
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Posts: 2,654
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Good morning all. Thanks for the input. I'm feeling physically and emotionally exhausted again. It was really tempting to crawl back in to bed like I did last week but I can't do that.

I honestly couldn't say whether S25 is depressed or not. From where I sat it looked like angry entitlement. An attitude he's had most of his life. He was polite but it really felt like he would rather have been "anywhere" else than at that table.

I would like for him to put down the bubble pipe, get a proper job and become independent. Is he depressed? I certainly would have been if I were in his situation. When I turned 25 I was engaged, working a well paying job and had been on my own for about 7 years. I remember my wife throwing me a surprise birthday party at our apartment.

I don't see him joining the military. He once referred to it as more or less a "job of last resort" which sadly it is for many people. And at 25 with very poor eyesight I don't know if they'd want him. Taking orders certainly wouldn't sit well with him either.

He's cruising along, presumably burning through his savings with car payments and his herbage. He has been getting two evenings a week working at the pub for which I presume he's being paid in cash. How long he can sustain that is anyone's guess.

Originally Posted by Westo
Quick question, has he changed in his manner since B left? Btw, fwiw.....Im proud of you.

You are an amazing dad.
Thanks Westo. It's hard to feel it. His attitude is more or less the same as it's always been. Other than perhaps being a bit more sympathetic towards me for a week or so, he doesn't seem to have noticed or missed B at all. He's always been a bit of a "cold" person and doesn't form close attachments to anyone. Never has. He can be charming and engaging when the mood hits and he and B got on rather well I felt. Even though I am sure that he has some interest in the opposite sex he's not had a girlfriend since he was in his mid teens and that was only for a few months.

I can only hope that his attitude will result in him becoming independent. He spends most of his time at least when I'm home sitting in his room listening to podcasts mostly. It's funny how I never even considered asking him to help build the shed and conversely how he never offered.

I don't know what his relationship is with his mother but they do have very similar personalities. The fact that she apparently yet again didn't recognize his birthday, especially such a milestone one is just baffling. I rather expected at least this year for there to be some negotiation about where he would spend dinner but nothing. He had dinner and then went out to play poker with his buddies.

I can still feel the hole where B was or rather where I felt she was. It's pretty plain for whatever reason that she has no interest or intent on coming back. There's a temptation to jump back in to the pond again right away but that's not a good idea at all. I do still have a level of WTF about how that ended. She just walked away without seeming to have any remorse or regret. The part that annoys me just like with my ex-wife was the fact that neither of them seemed to put any effort at all in trying to deal with any issues.

I also feel reluctant at present to put myself back "out there" again which is undoubtedly good. The fear of ending up in a situation like I was with B is palpable. I dared to dream this past winter that love and commitment were things that could happen to me. Trust of all sorts is a huge problem right now. There really is no one other than myself that I can lean up and trust to hold me up. And I feel very tired.

Well - enough of this nonsense. It is a lovely sunny day here at the plant. And I need to something more productive than this post or reviewing and updating drum and tote labels.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861916
08/19/19 04:29 PM
08/19/19 04:29 PM
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neffer Online
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Sending hugs Andrew. News are new to me. Just like Gingers sitch, its glad to see where you are standing. Two pro DB soldiers there!

Just like I told G, do what works. For yourself.

Patience with your S25. Patience.

((((Andrew))))


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861917
08/19/19 04:30 PM
08/19/19 04:30 PM
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Quote
He's always been a bit of a "cold" person and doesn't form close attachments to anyone.


It sounds to me like your son has issues that really need addressing. Could he perhaps be a bit on the autism spectrum? Or does he just have severe social anxiety? His lack of social life and close connections would have me worried. My mildly Asperger's son has only really dated one girl (who was a whack a doodle - thankfully he soon came to realize that) but luckily he's very extroverted and does have (similarly Aspie) friends.

It's hard to realize but our kids did not grow up in the world we did. Leaving home at 18 and getting a job that pays your way in the world is not easy now the way it was for our generation. Mental health has declined for reasons that aren't readily apparent. Your son is probably using pot to medicate his anxiety and/or depression. Instead of growing impatient for him to move out, I would suggest you focus on doing more things with him, seeing if he's open to seeing a counselor. He may need a lot of help figuring out his place in the world. Unfortunately when divorce hits at just the wrong developmental stage, our attention as parents gets drawn away from helping our kids to launch. It definitely affected my kids.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861922
08/19/19 04:52 PM
08/19/19 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Being a single parent is tough. Being a single parent to a narcissistic child is tougher. S25 (as of today) is a "lot" like his mother. He did show up for dinner. Ate about half of his favourite foods that I made for him. Made some sarcastic remarks about his cake although I'm sure he enjoyed it. It almost felt through the whole dinner that he was looking for something to complain about. I think even his sister who called in from Virginia to sing Happy Birthday to him saw that things were off today. I carefully gave him no hooks to dig in to. I've experienced this quite a few times - just venting here tonight.

I am positive that he neither knows nor appreciates the effort I put in to both Sunday suppers and his birthday. I reassure myself that I'm doing these things because they are important to me.


I'm so sorry your son responded in that way, Andrew. I get what you are saying about reassuring yourself that you are doing it because it is important to you. I have been there myself with my girls. I have to keep reminding myself sometimes that it IS about me and that I do these things because I enjoy them, not because I am looking for external accolades. The really frustrating part comes when I back off and don't do something like this and people get their feelings hurt, but when I do it, they respond as your son did, so it is almost like you are d@mned if you do and d@mned if you don't, you know?

I know in the past I have been pretty vocal with you about things and I don't do it because I think I'm right or I think my way is the only way...it is purely my opinion and I think that you are open to receiving other's opinions, even if they aren't similar to yours. And, after all, I'm just some weird woman on the internet, so if you don't like what I have to say, you don't have to "listen", right? Anyway, having said all that, I can see why several have said that S25 seems depressed and the weed usage brings up a whole other issue, but to me, one of the core issues seems to be that S25 lives a somewhat child-like existence. You yourself refer to him as a "narcissistic child" in this post. He may well be narcissistic and like his mother, but he's a grown man. Ginger says that he seems to be more like a 16 year old than a 25 year old and I just wonder if that is not a product of how he currently lives. He lives in your house with limited responsibilities (I realize he has a car now, which gives him a modicum of responsibility that he didn't have before) where his basic needs are met through NO action on his part. Sure, he cleans his room and does his laundry and cooks some of his meals, but does all of these things using the items that YOU provide for him. When he cooks, he doesn't clean up. Other than his car payment, he doesn't appear to have any responsibility. Based on what you write, I had hoped that the whole car thing would push him to be more independent, but it seems to almost have had an adverse effect, though the fact that he's actually keeping up with his car payment is obviously a very good thing. I didn't say much about the weed before when you mentioned it because I know I'm the square of the group when it comes to that sort of stuff, but I was glad to see a couple of others mention that, while a lot of people jump on the bandwagon of what a great thing it is, there is some seeming real-life proof that those who are heavy, long-term users just tend to be generally less productive. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to start a debate or question what others feel on this subject, I'm just saying that there does seem to be some evidence that supports that belief that while it may be particularly harmless, that doesn't necessarily make it a good thing, if that makes sense.

Maybe it is my strict southern upbringing, but some of the things (the weed smoking included) that S25 does in your home strike me as disrespectful. Again, I get that I'm a goody two shoes where weed is concerned so maybe it is more common than I realize, but It just seems unusual to me. I know you want S25 to be independent and to make his own way in the world, but I think a part of you secretly likes having him around, even if he is super moody, because it gives you someone to fuss over.


Take solace in the fact that, whatever S25's current mood is, you are an awesome dad and if you weren't, he wouldn't be sticking around. He'd have long ago found any excuse to get out from under your watchful eye. wink


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861934
08/19/19 05:35 PM
08/19/19 05:35 PM
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kml Online
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Offering a counterpoint - I'm pretty sure my depressed, anxious younger son wouldn't be alive today without marijuana. I'm not saying people can't have problems with addiction to it, and daily use can definitely affect many people adversely. But it can also be a lifesaver for some people. I wouldn't focus on his use but on WHY he is using.

(And I say this even though I personally don't like it and haven't smoked since I was 20!)

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