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Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861302
08/14/19 10:34 AM
08/14/19 10:34 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,840
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Online
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,840
Massachusetts
sorry Andrew. SIL1's actions would have annoyed me on two fronts: spying on exw and then communicating with her about your personal life.

Divorce means the window into each other's personal lives is not only closed, but also locked and the room darkening shades are drawn tight.

I'm glad you set a limit. Your life isn't someone else's spectator sport.

You're going through the stages of grief re: your breakup with B. That's good. That's progress towards healing, even though it feels unpleasant.

Good luck today in your meetings. xoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861303
08/14/19 10:37 AM
08/14/19 10:37 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,840
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Online
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bttrfly  Online
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,840
Massachusetts
and - what G said about B's breaking up with you. Her circus. Her monkeys. Unmanageable and in need of her attention. You are certainly light years ahead because of all the hard work you've done over the past 3 years.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861356
08/14/19 05:18 PM
08/14/19 05:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,897
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
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Quote
It is pretty plain that her real reason for moving out was indeed the house.


It has NOTHING to do with the house. Seriously. As mentioned above, if it was just the house she would have moved out but kept dating. Or slept on the couch downstairs to save her knees. (Didn't you say she's in a basement apartment now, so she still has stairs, right?). That was just her lame excuse (like my ex saying I "walked too heavy". ) The fact that she couldn;t come up with anything else just means YOU were not the problem.

Nobody in their right mind would be talking about you selling your house and buying a new one after dating for only a few months. Nobody but the type of woman I talked about before who sees men as a means to what they want. If she wanted you to make financially stupid house moves just to satisfy her after so few months of dating, well, it tells you a lot about her.

Also, I still deem it suspicious that this came up after she saw her ex. Entirely possible that she slept with him, or will reconcile with him, or just realized she wants somebody to indulge her financially again like he did (even though it led to financial ruin.).

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: kml] #2861364
08/14/19 05:57 PM
08/14/19 05:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,653
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doodler Offline
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Originally Posted by kml
Also, I still deem it suspicious that this came up after she saw her ex. Entirely possible that she slept with him, or will reconcile with him, or just realized she wants somebody to indulge her financially again like he did (even though it led to financial ruin.).


Not to mention that you're B's third boyfriend during her very extended trek to toward divorce (or not). I predict that in a few months you're going to be thanking God or the stars or the magical leprechauns that B ended things when she did.

But, I'm very sorry it's dragging you down. I'm hoping you'll get out and socialize, or do something, anything, to take your mind off of your relationship woes.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861366
08/14/19 06:05 PM
08/14/19 06:05 PM
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Posts: 14,897
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kml Offline
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And yeah, tell SIL that you don't want to hear anything about ex and don't want her telling ex about your life. Period.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: kml] #2861374
08/14/19 06:36 PM
08/14/19 06:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,423
Southern Maryland
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Posts: 26,423
Southern Maryland
I agree w/all of the posters. B is using any excuse for why she left. Who knows what the real reason is, but I bet, in time, the real reason will come to light and it will not be about you, your house or your adorable cats. We all agree on one thing...B knew what she was getting into. She had been to your house and she knew that there were stairs, your son was living at home and yes, those adorable cats live there too.

When you suggested she move in, that is the time that she should have spoken up about the all of the BS excuses that she has used in the last week. No, Andrew, it's not you, your house or your cats...it's something else and B doesn't have the backbone to be honest w/you.

The best thing to do is let her go and if she sinks, she sinks....she's not your problem. You can't fix her because you didn't break her. She needs to get her act together because no one is going to want to take on B and her adult son and grandkids full time. Any relationship she has is doomed if she continues down the path she's on...but. like I said...she's not your problem.

I do think at some point, you will be glad she left. Right now, it hurts because you got use to having someone around the house....let her go. Do not contact her again. If you find other things that might belong to her, pack them up and put them on a shelf. If she truly needs those left behind items, she'll contact you.

Keep the focus on you!

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861378
08/14/19 07:03 PM
08/14/19 07:03 PM
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Posts: 14,897
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kml Offline
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Quote
If you find other things that might belong to her, pack them up and put them on a shelf. If she truly needs those left behind items, she'll contact you.


Or just mail them to her - NO NOTE.

You didn't do anything wrong here so there's nothing to ruminate on - this is about HER. And I agree, you miss her mostly because it was awfully nice to have someone around and in your bed - when you come back from Spain, you'll find somebody better suited.

Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861389
08/14/19 07:56 PM
08/14/19 07:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Dawn70 Offline
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
But then she said that she had chatted and passed on the information that I was split from B which got the response that she already knew having been told by S24.

Now that bit ticked me off. Not that it's any secret or anything and not even so much that SIL1 felt a need to broadcast my personal business to someone who I don't want involved in it, but the confirmation that S24's mother had been yet again leaning on him for intel. That did explain why when I got home from work yesterday that he stayed in his room and I only got the equivalent of grunts from him which is fairly unusual. Less so after he's spent time with his mother.

I do recognize that I told both kids a long time ago that I had nothing to hide from their mother and that S24 has been a long-term conduit of information. But really ex-w??? Get over it. At least have the decency to not put the kids in that sort of difficult situation to satisfy your curiosity. I have lots of people outside the kids who seem to be eager to pass on the little they find out about her life. I'm sure she has the same.

Grumble


Oh Andrew...dear, sweet, lovely, kind, caring man with so many amazing qualities. Why do I always feel like I'm playing devil's advocate when I read your posts when I do truly think the world of you? Ginger already touched on it, but SERIOUSLY? You've speculated all along that S24 is the "conduit" of information from your house to his mother (and that makes sense SINCE HE LIVES WITH YOU!!!!), but seriously, why are you so torqued at her? I highly doubt that she is just sitting around plotting on how to extract information at any given time from your son. I would imagine, just like G said, it was more a part of casual conversation and S24 doesn't even really think about what he's saying. And, maybe his response towards you afterward had more to do with the fact that he realized he'd said something in passing that maybe he shouldn't have and he felt awkward around you because of it. I don't know your XW so she well may be totally evil, but I somehow just don't picture her putting the "kids" in a bad spot for her own curiosity. (By the way, your "kids" are ADULTS and are completely capable of knowing when someone is trying to manipulate them for information and I would think, knowing that you are their dad and you likely raised them to be self-sufficient, intelligent people who can speak up for themselves, that if S24 felt uncomfortable or felt like he was being manipulated or "pumped" for info, that he would speak up and say, hey, not mine to tell.) And, for the record, she told SIL1 (who has a VERY big mouth, by the way) that she heard it from S24, but there was no context as how she heard it so even if he hadn't told her, she would've likely heard it somewhere else. But I say all that to say, as I say to you quite often, SO WHAT? Why does it matter what she knows and when she knows it? You live in a small town and word gets around. If you have nothing to hide from her as you say in your own words, then why do you care? Having said all that, I totally understand your frustration with SIL1 in blabbing your business. She needs to butt out post haste.

As far as B, totally in agreement with what everyone else has said. It isn't about your house or you or the cats or S24 living there (she is the LAST person who should be commenting on that when she was having to live with her S38 in order for him to have custody of his own kids). It is about B. You may never know her real reason. I suspect doodler is right in that you may very well realize at some point down the road that she actually did you a favor in walking away.

I know you are hurting and I'm so terribly sorry. I really do think you are a wonderful guy. You are kind, funny, caring, intelligent, have a wide array of interests and you are quite handsome as well and if all that wasn't enough, you cook and clean and iron. Whew.....are you into older women, because my mom would be SO in love with the fact that you iron? You ARE a catch and I hope that you come to realize that and that you find an amazing lady who also knows.

Hang in there, quit worrying about XW, tell SIL1 to kindly step away from your personal business, and just focus on you. Did I mention you have a trip to Spain coming up? I want us to focus on that. wink


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: kml] #2861391
08/14/19 08:00 PM
08/14/19 08:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,055
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Dawn70 Offline
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Posts: 2,055
Originally Posted by kml
Quote
If you find other things that might belong to her, pack them up and put them on a shelf. If she truly needs those left behind items, she'll contact you.


Or just mail them to her - NO NOTE.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues [Re: AndrewP] #2861434
08/15/19 12:39 AM
08/15/19 12:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,661
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,661
Canada
What a long day. Up at 4 and just now at 8:30 sitting with a PB&J for dinner and a big glass of water. I miss the ability to come home to someone who could relate to my day of debating the different ways of calculating profit on a railcar of polyethylene and then finding out that the 2/10 curve had inverted. Haven't had that since my ex left and it would usually be something that she would just roll her eyes at and ignore. B honestly had no clue about most of this sort of stuff and I never worked on enlightening her. Just focused on the superficial about my day and asking about her's.

Thanks all for rallying around. It's late and I still need to make my lunch - off to the plant tomorrow and then the marketing office on Friday. No rest for the wicked. I read your responses earlier on the subway and had a few hours to muse about them.

Sooooo - I should be applying the LRT?
1 - be a man only a fool would leave - I've been assured that's checked although personally I have my own doubts
2 - be sad but accept her choice - check
3 - act as if she's not coming back - check
4 - no pursuit - check
5 - stop communicating. Become "mysterious" - check-a-roonie

If I'm doing this right B should be on the doorstep by mid-afternoon Saturday if she's not shoved out of the way by my e-wife? laugh laugh laugh

Semi-more seriously, your comments reminded me that after much pressure the reason my ex-wife came up for wanting to leave was that sometimes when I complemented her I didn't sound sincere. Perhaps right up there with "walking too heavy" - whatever that may be wink

Busy day expected tomorrow and again Friday. Fact finding meetings and then strategy meetings. Much less boring than my normal days lately although most people would perhaps find this sort of thing boring.

I did see a deer wander out on to the road and stand and stare at me while I came to a stop - waves to bttrfly! (hope your car stuff works out for the best)

Time to make tomorrow's lunch and - brace yourselves - leave the dishes for later. S24 has left a fair pile. He cooked his steak last night after I was in bed and has done at least 2 other meals since plus this morning's breakfast dishes of mine.

Thanks again all - big hugs to everyone.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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