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A Message from Michele
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It's a world of laughter #2858827
07/26/19 04:02 PM
07/26/19 04:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,211
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: AndrewP] #2858888
07/26/19 08:37 PM
07/26/19 08:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,515
Southern Maryland
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Posts: 27,515
Southern Maryland
I am glad you found out about the "connection" before the family event. It's never easy and you and B certainly do not need to be blindsided by her son and your SIL's connection at that family event.

Enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: AndrewP] #2859002
07/27/19 02:46 PM
07/27/19 02:46 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,211
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thanks job. It turned out that I mis-interpreted what SIL2 told me. She clarified that she shared the place with him and his girlfriend. Remembers him as a nice but troubled guy. B doesn't remember her at all.

B video chatted me this morning from "her house". Actually from the neighbour's dock. She was being discrete I believe. It's obvious that she really misses the place. Her trip was to help tear down the boat house that was badly damaged last winter. They're making good progress and things are going smoothly she says. She said she was talking to her STBX about if the place could be shared instead of sold but says that that would be unworkable. It's certainly not something I have any interest in doing as it is a 5 hour drive and there are also the whole "cooperating with the ex" thing which can I suppose work but I do worry about. Depending on how you count, her marriage fell apart about 7 years ago during his first affair and then completely collapsed a bit over 3 years ago I believe with his second one. I recall her telling me recently that he wanted and felt entitled to have both a wife and mistress even if the mistress was being told a different story.

She hopes that most things are done today and that she can get out blueberry picking and get home at a reasonable time Sunday. I am planning to cook up a nice roast of beef. S24 says that he's going to make a loaf of bread.

I was hugely surprised last night when I was sitting working on the grocery list last night and enjoying a beer when S24 got home from working at the pub with a plate of food and sat with me. He was annoyed. The last two nights he's worked there have been huge parties with $600+ tabs. His tip each night - $20. He knows that it's the luck of the draw in that gig but he's still pretty annoyed as he expected a $100 tip which is more in line with norms.

We had a long and friendly chat. The sort of one that I would imagine that fathers and sons would usually have over a plate of curry but we don't very often.

He's very excited about having his license and it certainly is a game changer in how he is approaching his future. He now has not only a secure home base but also the ability to roam at will. Yesterday he drove himself in to "town" for lunch. I made a random comment that I had thought he might have asked me to pick up Chinese food for him and he countered that he could get his own darned food but that yeah - if I happened to be driving that way anyway ....

I suggested that he try to see if the roof rack we have which formerly was on his mother's old car many years ago that I use on my Corolla fits on his Yaris. He's taken up fishing and that would allow him to throw a canoe up on top.

He said that he's told the owner of the restaurant that he's happy to help out for now but that he's looking for a more permanent gig. The Chapman's Ice Cream plant isn't too far away and he's thinking of putting his name in there. The reality is that right now in this area if you can fog a mirror you can get a job.

Along with that we talked about him moving out. He said that he would certainly be looking for a cat friendly apartment and I countered that "the girls" are getting older and that they would be welcome to stay here. Certainly something to keep in mind. No timelines were mentioned and he knows that he's not being pushed out. I think we all openly acknowledge that it would be a good thing for all 3 of us.

He also talked about me moving. He agrees with B that this place is just way too big and doesn't "get" the emotional connection that I have to it. I tried to explain but it didn't hit. I talked about all the happy memories that I have here which certainly could be interpreted as also involving his mother. I will admit that it does make me sad to know that those good times - and yes - the not quite so good ones - are permanently in the past. I did state bluntly though that because of the divorce that I don't have much equity available to me and moving would be difficult to finance. I did mention though that B may be coming in to some capital and she may make other choices. What my own choice would be in that circumstance I honestly don't know.

We also talked about my future with B. S24 firmly stated that he didn't think that I would ever get married again. I do believe that he does indeed remember and recognize how badly hurt I was by his mother and her antics. Presumably he separates her actions from the person as I believe they get along perfectly fine. That no longer bothers me but it did and quite a bit at one point. Now that he's independently mobile it would be interesting to see if he spends more time with her. I doubt it.

I did tell S24 that I would definitely be seeing a lawyer before long and putting in a cohabitation agreement in place. I honestly don't know how I feel about re-marriage but let his comment slide. I did mention though that I hoped that if anything happened to me that he and his sister would let B stay here for a couple of years to get herself sorted out which got me an "of course" shrug.

We also talked about my maybe getting what in some places is called a "tempo" - a tarp covered garage that I could maybe put my sailboat in and work on it and get it finally back on the water. They are about $500 which is a fair bit of money. The 'Bear is about 23' long even if only 16' on deck and about 6' across the beam at the widest spot. Having a place to go and putter on it would be good. I may investigate further.

So yeah - good chat. I could really feel the positivity coming from him. Even if he has a set-back he's really made a shift. Even though she'll never know it, I am grateful to his mother for being the catalyst to get him moving. He's working at the pub again tonight so I'm planning on picking up a steak while I'm grocery shopping for my dinner. Steak, fried mushrooms, baked potato, steamed cauliflower. MMMMMM If the weather cooperates I may sit in the back yard with a glass (or two) of wine and a small fire in my fire pit.

--------------

On another topic but worth mentioning, B has a complicated thing going on with her S38 and the two GK that obliged her to go to court this past week as custody is still being sorted out. She was chastised about the fact that she has moved out when she has part custody. Her explanation fits the facts but was interesting as it showed her perspective. She stated that she started moving in when she was sick in part because of the mold in her apartment (now dealt with - and the boys were living elsewhere at the time) and then just gradually shifted things. She is less than 10 minutes away, sees the boys almost every day and I don't believe it to be an issue. As is the situation I suppose with such matters, what was supposed to have been finalized in June has now been pushed to mid September.

That in some ways goes along with my own narrative that she moved in here and early more because of circumstances of it making sense rather than pushing an agenda.

Well - my tea pot is empty. Busy agenda today because I'm unsupervised. Banking, I promised B that I would go to an open house in a new subdivision, there's an art show at a local church that I like going to, butcher shop for more garlic farmer's sausages (they seem to evaporate here), groceries, my fresh roses of course, scone from the cafe around the corner, a stop at the local cidery to pick up some wine and cider, laundry, cutting the grass, work on the flower beds, checking the wiring harness on my car's trailer hitch, picking more black currants and yes - some sitting down I hope. I have two unsupervised days to get it done.

A bien tot mes amis.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: AndrewP] #2859046
07/28/19 01:15 PM
07/28/19 01:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,263
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Andrew

Day two of unsupervised frivolity. smile

How much of your work list did you accomplish? Hopefully, sitting down and enjoying a glass (or two) was made a priority.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
We had a long and friendly chat. The sort of one that I would imagine that fathers and sons would usually have over a plate of curry but we don't very often.

It sounded like a very good chat. His car, license, and his new freedom will expand his horizons, a lot. Like you said, there is a shift with him. Looking for a more permanent job, looking towards moving out, and even offering his opinion on you and B, and the keeping of the house. He’s in the driver’s seat, adjusted his mirror, and is taking control of his life.

Following his role model, methinks.

Enjoy the day.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: AndrewP] #2859056
07/28/19 03:44 PM
07/28/19 03:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,211
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Thanks DnJ - I got a fair bit of my list done and was continuously busy up until about 7:00 when I got to making my supper. Thunder storms were threatening so no BBQ or fire. The trailer wiring is definitely bad on the car side. I cut it back well beyond where it would have been crimped by the hood (I always install in the trunk) and still only get a left turn signal. More choices to be made. There's a clunk in the front end when I go over bumps now too that's getting looked at when I take the car to the dealer for an oil change in a couple of weeks.

Roughly 540,000 km on the Corolla. I have a brochure for a new Toyota C-HR. As I was telling S24 just now though, money is still tight and not having to make car payments is a good thing. As I was making my service call I was chatting with the tech who lived just down the street from B back in the day. I commented that S24 got his license and that B helped him practice and her response was "of course" that B was really great with people and that she was capable of much. It's nice to get independent verification on what people think of her. We've bumped in to other friends of her's here and there and they are all happy and enthusiastic to see her.

I did mention that B hasn't had much chance to contribute much to the family budget which is part of what is making things tight - not that S24 has anything to judge on that as he doesn't contribute at all. Actually if either of them chipped in what it costs to have them here, the car payments would be covered.

No clue when B will be home today. Given that it's a minimum 5 hour drive and there will be weekend traffic on much of her route I'm not expecting her home for dinner. I'll probably be in bed in fact.

She really misses that place and is on amicable terms with her STBX. I have few worries about them getting back together but it certainly does cross my mind. It's interesting because she has said that she was reluctant to go up there, her husband was in a deep depression much of the time and difficult to live with, his first affair started after they were there only a couple of years, there were leeches in the lake, the house renovations were poorly done, she was isolated from her friends and family etc, she does indeed have quite a bit of fondness for that place and that time of her life.

Well - the grass cutting and flower beds are still on my list. I'm going to put the trailer wiring back together even though much of it doesn't work, I have a fair bit of ironing to do etc. I may have a nice soak int the tub though too. Picking black currants may or may not happen. I do have a fair amount in the freezer already.

The roast of beef is in the slow cooker.

It's a hot and steamy glorious day here. Time for me to get to it.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: AndrewP] #2859162
07/29/19 12:33 PM
07/29/19 12:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,027
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Ginger1 Online
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Did B have a legal agreement to be living with S38 and the grandkids?

Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: Ginger1] #2859170
07/29/19 01:02 PM
07/29/19 01:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,211
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
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Canada
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Did B have a legal agreement to be living with S38 and the grandkids?
It's complicated.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: AndrewP] #2859206
07/29/19 03:39 PM
07/29/19 03:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,451
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Dawn70 Offline
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Did B have a legal agreement to be living with S38 and the grandkids?
It's complicated.


That's code for yes, you know. wink

Originally Posted by AndrewP
She really misses that place and is on amicable terms with her STBX. I have few worries about them getting back together but it certainly does cross my mind. It's interesting because she has said that she was reluctant to go up there, her husband was in a deep depression much of the time and difficult to live with, his first affair started after they were there only a couple of years, there were leeches in the lake, the house renovations were poorly done, she was isolated from her friends and family etc, she does indeed have quite a bit of fondness for that place and that time of her life.


Oh Andrew....dear Andrew....you are absolutely one of my favorite people and I so enjoy reading your posts and am thrilled that you and B found each other. I think you have made some wise choices, even if it did move quickly and since we are in the same ballpark age-wise, I get why you do some of the things that you do. Having said that, though, one of the things that I do NOT get (and have chastised you for repeatedly) is this seeming obsession (for lack of a better word, because it really isn't obsession...curiosity may be a better word) that you have for what your XW if feeling, thinking, doing, saying, etc where you are concerned. So, your above statement makes me wonder if B were a fly on the wall here in DB land and saw some of your XW musings, would she feel the same about your situation that you do about hers? Meaning, would she say she has few worries that y'all will get back together, but it does occasionally cross her mind? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I think y'all would, but I just wonder at what point people just come to terms with the past being in the past and start looking forward. It may well be more difficult in B's situation since she is still technically married, but it does seem clear that while legally she is still married, she is divorced in every other sense.

You have a past with your XW. You will always have a link to her because of your children. But your children are adults now, so the minutia of their dealings with their mother has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. The sooner you set yourself free of all that, the more at peace you will be. I really had to war with myself awhile back when you made a few posts about B seeing your XW's car parked across the street because she was buying flowers or something to that effect. I wanted to scream SO WHAT? It's a free country and she can move about it, just as you can going wherever whenever. B and her STBX should be the same way. You and B are in this for the foreseeable future. Of course neither of you have a crystal ball to know if it will be a lifelong commitment, but if that is what you both want, I certainly hope it works out that way. But, having said that, focus on each other and quit worrying about your XW and her STBX and just enjoy each other and the time that is set right in front of you.


Me 50, H51
3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids)
Divorce final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: Dawn70] #2859630
07/31/19 04:18 PM
07/31/19 04:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,211
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Well - Wednesday. Time to examine some entrails.

Originally Posted by Dawn70
one of the things that I do NOT get (and have chastised you for repeatedly) is this seeming obsession (for lack of a better word, because it really isn't obsession...curiosity may be a better word) that you have for what your XW if feeling, thinking, doing, saying, etc where you are concerned. So, your above statement makes me wonder if B were a fly on the wall here in DB land and saw some of your XW musings, would she feel the same about your situation that you do about hers? Meaning, would she say she has few worries that y'all will get back together, but it does occasionally cross her mind? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I think y'all would, but I just wonder at what point people just come to terms with the past being in the past and start looking forward. It may well be more difficult in B's situation since she is still technically married, but it does seem clear that while legally she is still married, she is divorced in every other sense.

Thanks Dawn. Yes - we don't see eye to eye on this. I'm finding that recent events indicate that I'm getting less stressed about her as she seems to be getting her life in order. Yes - I still have that statue of The Knight of the Rueful Countenance on my desk and he is a focus of my trip to Madrid in about 6 weeks. For the longest time I expected that she was following what is the "MLC Script" and was worried that she would hit her form of rock bottom and look for rescue. I'm a lot less worried about that now. She and OM seem to have some sort of arrangement that I know nothing about that appears to work for them. It's perhaps kind of like watching Nascar and hoping that there won't be a crash but also knowing that that can be the most exciting part.

In other news B did actually make it home in time for Sunday supper. I was struggling a bit trying to get everything ready including the extra I had to add for her and she took over the gravy I was working on. She poured in a bunch of corn starch, it thickened right up and tasted ok even if it wasn't the way I would have done it. I made sure to thank her although as people here could imagine, I was a bit put out. It certainly isn't the way that I had intended the gravy to be made.

I think one of her concerns was the fact that I did have a drink in hand while I was cooking and yes - had had a 6 pack over the course of the entire afternoon including while ironing. She told me later that she had gotten seriously drunk one night after leaving her first husband and almost badly scalded herself and that perhaps explains her terror of the combination of hot food and alcohol. Something we'll need to work through I suppose. She does go on quite regularly that if I stopped drinking beer that my weight would go down faster and my health would be better. She herself drinks very little.

It's funny - even though thus far she's proven that she's a decent cook, I think I'm actually better at many things than she is. She certainly has some things like potato salad and deviled eggs (a favourite of S24 and I) that are beyond my repertoire, but where I focus on taking my time and quality ingredients, she has the shortcuts of a woman who was feeding 8 people every day for much of her adult life.

She and by extension I have been making changes in our diet. I did laugh because she adds things I like like potatoes to dinner on my plate but not her's. Not that she's trying to sabotage me. I think that's just the way that her brain works.

Lately I've been making part of B's lunch for her when I make my own. Her part consists of 2 hard boiled eggs. Last night she did them herself, then went and sat in the living room and got on the phone with her daughter while the pot boiled dry and then one of the eggs exploded. Le sigh. The pot is in soaking. It made me grumpy but other than warning that the other egg could also explode I said nothing. It didn't seem to bother her as much as I would have thought it would. By her comments, this wasn't the first time that happened.

Similar to Ginger1 perhaps I have to work on managing my expectations. B joked last night that she's been living out of her car so much lately that she perhaps has more laundry in there than in the hamper. I honestly can't remember a weekend since she moved in that hasn't involved her being away for at least an overnight or hasn't involved the grandkids being part of it. Her response is that in the summer that this is what she has been used to since she was a little girl. In some ways I can have some sympathy for her STBX and his complaints that he missed her which was his reason for his first affair. In some ways it's good in that I get to have time for myself although there is an extra load taking care of a house with 3 people in it vs 2 but it's not what I expected.

My stance on staying in the house with the cats is firming. B has certainly had a dialogue with S24 about him moving out with the cats which I support and doesn't seem to bother him and in fact appears to be a running joke. Odd as it may sound, if B were to give me an ultimatum - which is highly doubtful she would - I'd help her pack. Letting go is something I've learned a lot about in the last few years. I went to an open house on the weekend that B wanted me to go to. Nice enough house - about 5 times what I could get for this place and not at all comfortable to me. Yes it was undecorated but it seemed sterile and cold. I showed B the pictures and she didn't seem keen on it either but perhaps not for the same reasons. I do think that much of her vision of a house, like mine is based on what she had before. She did pass on a little vignette from her STBX where he kept referring the "his home" and she "the house". I think that says a lot.

B's good intentions on helping around the house have been consistently derailed by her having other priorities. Mostly related to S38 who after all had more than a year of having his mother right at hand. But also the other kids and GK who are around. This weekend, which is when B will be meeting my family for the first time, she can spare me a couple of hours on Saturday as she will be at the cottage with her traditional weekend away with one of the GD and one of her sons will also be there. So we'll take separate cars and I'll hang out with family while she heads back to the lake. So yet another weekend where I'll be alone on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

I do have a slight bit of stress about the family event. I saw a message that CL who I dated last fall and who technically qualifies as family is thinking of being there. It would be nice to see her, but also awkward. She and B are as opposite as it could be possible to be while still being the same gender and species.

I did have a talk last night with B about the fact that it bothers me how S24 takes me for granted and takes advantage of me. An unspoken bit of that perhaps is that I do feel that way about B herself. As I've mentioned before, this seems more like a convenient place to park for now rather than something she is wanting to be a home. I do hope that I'm wrong. Due undoubtedly to constraints on her time, she's done essentially no unpacking beyond the essentials. Most of the stuff is household goods and decor and is unessential and had been stored for the last couple of years anyway.

I don't want this to sound like I'm unappreciative of having her in my life for the amount of time that she is able to give me. I think that even if we'd just dated for the 6 months that we've known each other that these same issues would exist and also be a bit of a surprise and something needing to be worked through.

Well - time to wrap this up I suppose. My cat Amy is laying on my desk kneading my arm with her paws and purring. She was unhappy with me earlier when I didn't get up promptly enough to give her breakfast and she'll be very unhappy later when I take her and her sister to the vet for their annual shots. It's a lovely day here and I may try to get out shortly for a bit of a walk which I miss.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: It's a world of laughter [Re: AndrewP] #2859633
07/31/19 04:37 PM
07/31/19 04:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,788
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kml Online
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Posts: 15,788
Quote
She poured in a bunch of corn starch, it thickened right up and tasted ok even if it wasn't the way I would have done it


Hahahahaha

If your biggest problem is she didn't make the gravy the way you would have but it turned out all right - you definitely need to loosen up a little bit! I think you're right, that her cooking style may reflect the "git 'er done" culinary philosophy.

You might have been happier with a "together, living apart" arrangement like in that recent Wall Street Journal article I mentioned, but since this is where you are, the challenge for YOU is to learn how to be more relaxed about things, or if that is not possible, to arrange things better so that you're not in a position to be bothered. For example, my boyfriend cooks dinner when he is here. I let him because I know that he likes to do things a particular way and me helping is just more stress for him.

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