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Iíve decided Iím not really going to post much anymore because I have a fear of my thread being found. It seriously worries me.
To answer some questions in my last thread, living together but apart would not be something I am interested in. I am broke as a joke and house poor. If we were long long term, it would be stupid for the both of us to be like that. Housing and living costs are astronomical and Iím barely staying a float here.
Could I accept not getting married? Absolutely. I donít need the paper. I would like to live as a married couple on day, but I donít need the wedding.
On that note, his son said to me the other day again ď ginger you are are going to be my bonus mom!Ē I told him I would love to be . He said ďyou will soonĒ does this kid know something I donít?
Things have been going well with us. Iím happy. Work has been awful and I havenít been sleeping and I could just fall asleep at my desk. Iíve really committed to living a healthier lifestyle finally. I just donít feel good.
Like I mentioned, Iím also having money issues. My expenses have been skyrocketing Iíve got to take the time and comb through the budget and expenses. If it could keep my eyes open once I get home from work. My housekeeping is way behind. I chose to do something fun with M and his son yesterday when I should have been cleaning. I chose Saturday night to hang out at my friends house when I should have been cleaning. But I need to enjoy life.
Iím supposed to start working out with my friend tonight when I drop off D11 at cheer practice. But Iím so tired and so behind. I also work this weekend.
Iím seriously over stress and stretched so thinly. Itís so hard to keep up with everything and have the energy to do it . There isnít enough hours in the day or energy in my body.
I do honestly envy people who have parents and sibling to help and a husband at home. Iíve been surviving this for 12 years now, but Iím tired. I used to pay for some help in the form of precooked meals or a cleaning service once a month. But I canít afford it now.
Sorry for the whining. I really am happy and fortunate. Iím just totally overwhelmed and I think itís taking a bit of a toll on my health.
Iím going to go get a cup of coffee now to help keep me awake
Last edited by job; 08/06/1911:16 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Yep, I've felt the same way about being found, but that was more during my BD/divorce days. I think it's more likely that we feel self concious of posting our deepest thoughts to the world at large than it is that we'd ever be found out/identified. Definitely get the feeling though.
That's an interesting and encouraging comment from his son! I'd wager most of us could fall asleep at our desk or anywhere else for that matter at any time! LOL
You are definitely not alone in feeling as you do, heck most of us share the same daily struggles. Good for you enjoying life and going out and doing fun stuff with M and son and your friends! Cleaning will always be there, do what you can as you can and allow yourself to let it go.
Also go workout. Heck I go and find myself yawning as I do it, BUT it will make you feel better and when you finally lay down to rest it will help you de-stress and pass out cold asleep which is a great thing.
We all have those same struggles. Actually reading your post reminds me to know that I'm not the only one feeling all that stuff on a daily basis.
Thank you guys, for the understanding words. I really do need sleep and Iím just not getting it right now. My air conditioner is on the first, it makes so much noise and wakes me up every 2 min. I am a very light sleeper. I have so much on my mind, finances and the such. Iím exhausted with the first job but could really use a second.
I figure the cleaning will always be there, my house isnít dirty, it could just be decluttered a bit. Who cares? I did go to my friends house last night and we did a peloton spin class last night while D 11 was at cheer. It felt good. We are all doing another tonight . Exercise used to be a very main focus in my life and itís been way on the back burner . Itís always been my ďmeĒ time and stress relief.
I did get out of work in time for once yesterday and I passed out for 20 min when I got home. Woke up, cooked both of us our respective dinners and sent D11 off to cheer. Then she went to a sleepover after.
I got everything brand new at once. A boyfriend, a house, and a dog, a second job which became my new first job. Itís been a rebalancing act for sure.
As far as the bf goes, while things are going well, it seems as if he invites along for family time with the kids, and I do the alone time inviting. I decided not to do that this week. Iíd like him to do it for a change, and he very well may not. But a 180 for me is not asking when o realize he wonít. And if he doesnít, more me time , I guess.
The dog is crying at me again. I have a toddler . Maybe thatís why I am so exhausted
Decided to take a break even though we are in ďcrisisĒ mode at work today. But I need to take a rest for a moment.
I am full of anxiety today. Which isnít my norm. I just feel like crying.
My coworker who is the sweetest thing ever, but talks way too much is quitting her job to move to another state to help her daughter with her children. She confides in me, releases her stress on me, and leans to me for opinions and help. She canít wait to help her daughter, be with her grandchildren, etc.
And I find myself so incredibly jealous. I wish I had a mother who was alive and well who wanted to give me a hand and enjoyed it. I wish For it so bad. Going through all of this alone is HARD. No guidance from a mom, no help from mom, sibling, or anything. I love my dad, he is retired, but doesnít come and help. Heís an hour and a half away and I see him maybe once a month. Heís living his own life.
It stinks. And as far as M..... heís going through his own headache right and hasnít asked me much about myself lately. I hinted to him Iím struggling a bit and he didnít have anything to offer.
Thank you! Iím still here for all these years because of that. Itís been such a hard journey, with lots of ups and downs. Somedays I didnít know if I would make it, and I came here and I felt like someone understood.
I donít share this with M. He has a different kind of problem in his divorce and heís kind of knee deep in it. I donít really share with my friends, but they know. I donít share with my dad because it upsets him when I struggle
Iím in a down time. Iíve been crying. But I did get to my friends house and exercise tonight. I am making eggplant parm for the first time. I got a little cleaning done. I still havenít asked M to do anything and he hasnít asked me because he is some sort of conflict. The crappy part for me is I just kind of need him to hold me. And it ainít going to happen
Tomorrow night will be a nice catching up on house work and drinking wine night . Me and the crazy dog.
So you worked out, got some cleaning done, made eggplant parm and had a cry. All of that sounds like part of a good day to me. I am very lucky to have my folks around to give me a hand and give me guidance, but you know what? ultimately even with that blessing all of my life still boiled right back down to me and getting on through it. I had them in my corner and even still I'd be looking up at God and all the crap he was throwing into my life and just laughing a bit at how comically I felt like he had just thrown the kitchen sink of difficulty at me and was only going to throw more.
Feeling alone does stink, but as kml says you do have us and many times this place and the folks on it helped me to push on through. You'll do the same Ginger, cry it out when you have to, but keep on going. I saw this over on Gerda's thread a week or so ago. When my initial foray into OLD was ending with new girl and I was struggling a bit it really gave me a good kick when I needed it, thought maybe you'd like it as well:
"Last night I was getting something to eat and while waiting noticed this man, very handsome, covered with tattoos, because his neck tattoo said, "Deliver us from evil." So I asked him if he prays that prayer, and he said yes, and I said I was battling a lot of evil and said that prayer everyday. And he said, "You are a warrior, you aren't a victim. Don't fear suffering because you are a warrior, and suffering is what makes you strong."
Sorry G.....I don't have any words of wisdom maybe some questions about M but you are a big girl
I would just encourage you to do things for yourself that help make you feel good about yourself. I am not a naturally confident man however the gym fills that void for me. The only thing I would recommend is ensuring you are making time to exercise on a daily basis.