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Leo22 #2860150 08/05/19 02:49 PM
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Leo, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You don't deserve this; you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You will be in my prayers.


M: 22, T: 27
Three Children
BD: 12/15/18
DejaVu6 #2860157 08/05/19 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by sandi2
So sorry, Leo. ((hugs))


I'm just so hurt right now I don't know what to do. I called a friend last night and he actually stayed until 3am just talking to me, helped out some. I just feel so betrayed after her telling me she respected me and all during the divorce talk. Obviously she doesn't. I had to confront her about it and she finally admitted to sleeping with him during the camping trip and that they been cuddling in bed at my "aunts" house. I was like people just don't cuddle in bed.


Originally Posted by neffer
Stay strong there Leo. Its all about you and your D now. You need to get your respect back.

Keep GAL, detach and focus on yourself.

Im sorry man.

(((Leo)))


Thanks Neffer. I am trying, like I mentioned earlier I was actually doing alright and fine with going through with the divorce. But when I found out this weekend that she is already sleeping with another dude, that drove the dagger deep.


Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So sorry Leo. It is amazing how quickly some people move on. It is so they don’t have to face themselves and the consequences of the choices they made / are making. She is in the throws of infatuation and new “love”... it is a powerful drug that LBS can’t really compete with, I’m afraid. It will fade. It always does. I know that doesn’t help you right now but just keep working on you and know that you will not feel this way a year from now....or even six months. The hurt fades eventually and you start to see new possibilities in this new reality that you did not ask for. Know that you are not alone... we are all right there with you. (((HUGS)))


I still try to make sense of all of this. On how someone can move on from a marriage so quickly, she claimed that she couldn't help it - it just happened. When I asked her several weeks ago, why do you want to file so quickly. She mentioned I just have no feelings for you and its not coming back. I want to move on and if I find another person in the future I don't want it to hold me back. All along she had this OM already. I know it is selfish, but I hope this new found love for her fade. I had to take off work today because I was so hurt but finding this out this weekend.

Destroyd #2860159 08/05/19 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Destroyd
Leo, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You don't deserve this; you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You will be in my prayers.


Thanks Destroyd. No one deserves to go through this, I don't wish this upon anyone.

Leo22 #2860185 08/05/19 05:31 PM
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Hi Leo,

I'm so sorry to read your update. I've been through this and I acutely remember being in exactly the stage that you're in now. I don't know how they can throw it all away for someone they just met. I guess they'd been on auto pilot or unhappy for a long time without communicating their true feelings. Marriages can overcome infidelity but it's a lot harder when you're faced with divorce. If it's any consolation, my husband wanted an immediate divorce and here we are, two years later, still not divorced (but separated and his affair partner lives with him). You can't exactly anticipate what will happen but life will never be the same. It takes a while just to absorb the shock.

NicoleR #2860224 08/05/19 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by NicoleR
Hi Leo,

I'm so sorry to read your update. I've been through this and I acutely remember being in exactly the stage that you're in now. I don't know how they can throw it all away for someone they just met. I guess they'd been on auto pilot or unhappy for a long time without communicating their true feelings. Marriages can overcome infidelity but it's a lot harder when you're faced with divorce. If it's any consolation, my husband wanted an immediate divorce and here we are, two years later, still not divorced (but separated and his affair partner lives with him). You can't exactly anticipate what will happen but life will never be the same. It takes a while just to absorb the shock.


It just boggles my mind how she can throw away the marraige for someone she just met. My guess is the new fire, adventure she feels, the excitement, etc. My WW wants a divorce and she wanted it quick, now I know why - she wants to spend time with this OM. The messed up part is she took my D school shopping yesterday and I guess the OM and his kid was with them. Before I knew about the PA, I agreed to pick up my D 20 minutes away - come to find out when I picked my D up the OM and his kid was across the street at a store and WW would go back to be with them afterwards. This is so messed up. Life isn't the same, even if down the road she wanted to reconcile - I dont think I can after she lied to my face multiple times about the OM especially laying in bed with him every night. It's the ultimate betrayal for me.

This was definitely a curve ball. I had a sense of the PA but didnt want to believe it. I will try to continute to GAL, care for D and try to enjoy life as much as I can. Thanks all.

Leo22 #2860231 08/05/19 11:02 PM
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It hurts bad when your WS absolutely sh*ts on your vows and has no remorse. My EXWW did the same thing. Once I confirmed her PA she tried to lie her way out of it and eventually just didnt care that I knew.

Honestly that helped me drop the rope. It gave me a new perspective. Why would I want to sit in limbo waiting for someone that not only hurt me badly on purpose with emotional abuse, but also had a PA and had zero remorse about it.

I moved on. Now im moved out, D is final and I have an amazing GF that treats me like a king. I can actually thank my EXWW for showing me that I can do much better and giving me the time to better myself and find a much better woman.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
SoTorn #2860253 08/06/19 02:53 AM
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Originally Posted by SoTorn
It hurts bad when your WS absolutely sh*ts on your vows and has no remorse. My EXWW did the same thing. Once I confirmed her PA she tried to lie her way out of it and eventually just didnt care that I knew.

Honestly that helped me drop the rope. It gave me a new perspective. Why would I want to sit in limbo waiting for someone that not only hurt me badly on purpose with emotional abuse, but also had a PA and had zero remorse about it.

I moved on. Now im moved out, D is final and I have an amazing GF that treats me like a king. I can actually thank my EXWW for showing me that I can do much better and giving me the time to better myself and find a much better woman.


It does Sotorn. When she finally admitted about sleeping with OM and all the other things holding each other, kissing, cuddling, etc - she had zero emotions on her face, no remorse what so ever. She even tried to blame her actions on me. She is crazy. I am definitely not waiting for her to come back but it's hard to just drop the feelings I have for her. I really hope me telling her I never want to see her again, dont come by the house, dont talk to me actually gets her to not contact me - I am disgusted by her behavior. Even though it hurts, not having her around would be much better.

I am so glad everything worked out for the best SoTorn. I am genuinely happy that for you. You are right, i can do much better than try to work on a relationship with a person that is having a PA and not sorry one bit. That is the cut off line for me.

Leo22 #2860371 08/06/19 07:06 PM
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Leo, try not to struggle to make sense of it, because it doesn't make sense and it will never make sense. My XW had an OM that was a good 15 years younger, had a great job and a nice house. His wife left him and he was sad and depressed and in swooped my XW to save the day. I think she just wanted to feel "needed". I thought we had a healthy marriage because I had my independence and gave her hers as well, and we came together as a family too but in the end the lure of caring for someone needy was too great for her. I was helping XW run an errand over the weekend and she mentioned OM and I asked how he was doing (she had told me before he struggled with mental health issues). She rolled her eyes and said he has completely fallen apart. Lost his job, too depressed to find another, doesn't take care of himself or his house anymore, blah blah blah. What I am saying is your W is attracted to OM for all the wrong reasons. He's in an affair with a married woman, what does that say about him? And she is married and having an affair, what does that say about her. They're both train wrecks and two train wrecks do not come together and form a wholesome relationship.

Detach. Leave her to the mess she's making. Focus on being the best Leo possible.

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I just feel so betrayed after her telling me she respected me and all during the divorce talk. Obviously she doesn't. I had to confront her about it and she finally admitted to sleeping with him during the camping trip and that they been cuddling in bed at my "aunts" house. I was like people just don't cuddle in bed.


Lying cheaters will tell small bits of truth to cover a bigger lie. She got caught so she's offering a snippet of truth to try and throw you off the trail. You are correct, they are not just cuddling. This isn't a question of respect though. She can behave like this and still respect you. In fact her respect for you probably makes her feel like trash. So don't try to throw her under the bus, because she'll do that to herself and will feel way worse because of it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
AnotherStander #2860395 08/06/19 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Leo, try not to struggle to make sense of it, because it doesn't make sense and it will never make sense. My XW had an OM that was a good 15 years younger, had a great job and a nice house. His wife left him and he was sad and depressed and in swooped my XW to save the day. I think she just wanted to feel "needed". I thought we had a healthy marriage because I had my independence and gave her hers as well, and we came together as a family too but in the end the lure of caring for someone needy was too great for her. I was helping XW run an errand over the weekend and she mentioned OM and I asked how he was doing (she had told me before he struggled with mental health issues). She rolled her eyes and said he has completely fallen apart. Lost his job, too depressed to find another, doesn't take care of himself or his house anymore, blah blah blah. What I am saying is your W is attracted to OM for all the wrong reasons. He's in an affair with a married woman, what does that say about him? And she is married and having an affair, what does that say about her. They're both train wrecks and two train wrecks do not come together and form a wholesome relationship.

Detach. Leave her to the mess she's making. Focus on being the best Leo possible.

Lying cheaters will tell small bits of truth to cover a bigger lie. She got caught so she's offering a snippet of truth to try and throw you off the trail. You are correct, they are not just cuddling. This isn't a question of respect though. She can behave like this and still respect you. In fact her respect for you probably makes her feel like trash. So don't try to throw her under the bus, because she'll do that to herself and will feel way worse because of it.



I'd like to think we had a healthy marriage for the most part. Every couple argue and have moments, the reason she told me the ILYBNILWY was because she said I neglected her emotionally so long that she lost feelings for me. I tried talking some sense into her before this OM came in the picture but no luck. She said she is over it and doesn't want to try. Like you mention, I think its because this OM, gave her the attention she is wanting that she fell head over heels for him. Yes, I agree they both are train wrecks. I don't know if this is selfish or not, but I don't want this train wreck to last - I want her to feel the pain that I am going through. When I confronted her about this OM, she denied it for a while until she told confessed and than mentioned I can't help that I have feelings for him. Like you mentioned though, he is messing with a married woman and that says a lot about him. I told her that he is probably just trying to get in your pants, that he is probably feeling a sense of accomplishment for being able to do so as a single guy. But she wouldn't listen and said he is different.

I am trying to detach. I was doing pretty good until this PA came into light because I never ever thought in a million years she would do this to me, even if we are going through the D that was the last thing in my head. I guess I kind of had a sense but didn't want to believe it at the moment.

Leo22 #2860398 08/06/19 10:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Leo22

I don't know if this is selfish or not, but I don't want this train wreck to last - I want her to feel the pain that I am going through.


This is really tough for you Leo, I hate reading this stuff; its very painful and I am sorry that you're here and going through all of this. I don't know if my W is in any sort of affair. finding out she is would hurt, but I am not going to go looking or quizzing because it won't do me any good.

I wanted for a long time for her to hurt like me, I suspect that is a pretty common feeling amongst the LBS crowd. I was quite angry and very hurt and just wanted to shake her until she woke up. Even if the train wreck ended, she wouldn't hurt like you because I just can't imagine its the same feeling of loss when it is an AP vice your spouse. That is just me speculating.

Originally Posted by Leo22

I am trying to detach. I was doing pretty good until this PA came into light because I never ever thought in a million years she would do this to me, even if we are going through the D that was the last thing in my head. I guess I kind of had a sense but didn't want to believe it at the moment.


This is a tough thing and very hurtful and frustrating. The victim mentality is tough to work through, I had it for quite a while too. She made a choice that you don't like, but she didn't "do this to you". I prefer to think she is doing this to herself, and while the enjoyment is great right now it likely won't last. I take solace in that and I work on improving myself with this opportunity I've been given. Put myself in the best position to take action and decide what I want going forward with or without W. That is all I can do.

It was very hard for me to want to get out and GAL, but it certainly helps to distract a person from what is going on. I'd encourage you to get out with some friends and have a burger, go bowling, sing karaoke, whatever it is that you enjoy doing. Try to lay off the alcohol, that really keeps you down in the dumps. Get exercise because it will help you sleep and its good for your brain and body.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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