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unchien #2858674 07/25/19 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien
ovr gave you great advice on the text/phone -- randomize your response time. Sometimes wait a long time, sometimes don't. It is mysterious. The idea is not to go completely cold, just respond like you would to a friend or a neighbor. If it's not urgent, no need to respond urgently.

What can you do to have more time with your D?

GAL is not a competition, don't feel like you need to be doing "more" GAL necessarily. If all you have time for during the week is gym, that is the #1 recommended GAL activity for men (it seems). Being more social I think is excellent GAL - gets you talking to other people, gives you perspective on life.

Meditation is really hard to dive into in the middle of a sitch, because our minds are ping-ponging around in fight or flight mode. But if you can do it... it truly helps a ton. I cannot recommend it enough, it just takes a lot of perseverance because for a long time it feels pointless, frustrating, and you can't measure progress. But over time, if you stick to it, you will understand your emotions better, be able to handle the intensity of the anxiety and worry and sadness without relying on other coping mechanisms... it's just good stuff. I use a meditation app on my phone -- I prefer the guided meditations because silent meditation is virtually impossible for me to do without going crazy.




As time with my D I have her until Sunday to myself because W is gone on a trip. well not really, I agreed that she can have a sleep over at her friends house this weekend, she'll be gone Saturday morning because they have planned a full day of events. But On the weekdays we just hang out at the house or go grab a bite somewhere she likes. Monday we went to the movies and enjoyed a bunch of unhealthy snacks, haha.

Sometimes I think to myself I GAL for the wrong reasons. I just want to get away, even if I have nothing planned - I go on drives sometimes just to clear my head. I been going to the gym religiously for the past 4-5 years, roughly 5 days a week but since this BD beginning of June - I lost the drive but slowly picking myself back up. I lost over 10 pounds, lightest I weighed in forever.

Its definitely a learning experience to just go out and socialize with random people again. Its been years since I was doing that, it feels different - but I definitely enjoy meeting new people just to hang out with.

I tried meditation a few times due to my C advise to do so. During my time in the service, I lost touch of myself. I developed some issues and my C had me install an app on my phone to help with breathing techniques to calm me down and such but I didn't stick with it long enough. Supposed to help me diffuse situations and think with a clear head. I will give it another try.

Leo22 #2858681 07/25/19 06:33 PM
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If focusing on breathing doesnít work thereís all sorts of different ways to meditate. Again I like the app because it has all kinds of stuff. Unguided, breathing, falling asleep, relationships, emotions, stress. Thereís even one on how to deal with a holes. It is hilarious. Just saying meditation is kinda hard to get into but when you find something that clicks for you it is fantastic. Your IC recommended one of a thousand techniques.

Leo22 #2858682 07/25/19 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Is there any chance that your aunt and her are lesbians?


I don't believe so. She did experiment with other females before we go married but nothing since. Its more of a distant aunt, I don't know if she is going over there to possibly see the OM - I just have no way of proving it. A part of me wants to know for sure but another don't want to know about it at all. I'm just so confused at the moment.


Did you just think her lesbian appetite would never reappear? Are you okay with an open MR, as long as it doesn't involve other men?

I'm going to cut to the chase here, Leo. There is something seriously going on here. If you married her, knowing she had been sexual with other women.......doesn't a red flag go up when your W's behavior & interactions practically changes overnight and she starts talking about how you neglected her, yada, yada, yada? She's rewriting the marital history, to find some sort of justification for her new love interest (male or female). The sudden coldness, secretiveness, the rush to S/D, etc., draws a clear picture of a woman who has no intentions or desire to continue this MR, and who has a secret agenda.

She is spending every weekend with another woman. How well do you know this "distant aunt"? I don't think your W has suddenly started spending so much "private" video time & phone chat......not to mention EVERY weekend with auntie to get advice on how to save her M!! They are either having an inappropriate relationship or your aunt is acting as a cover and enabler for your W's indiscretions. Either way, it sounds as if auntie is not a healthy influence for this M.

If you don't know where you draw the line in the marital sand, I suggest you do some self evaluation. She has emotionally, sexually, and pretty much physically abandoned the MR & family. She has compromised the values & integrity of the M......and it sounds as if she is eager to throw it away. Therefore, start with the standards, spiritual beliefs, principles, in which Leo lives his life. If you don't know where you draw the line, then you will be tossed about like a leaf in a windstorm.

People come here seeking help & hope. The first thing we usually tell a newcomer is to breathe, stop panicking, stop over-focusing on their spouse, and develop a plan. Your W appears to be wayward, and probably involved in an affair of some type. Is that a deal-breaker for you?

You will not be able to talk her back into the MR. That's one reason we discourage relationship talks, b/c it doesn't change her mind. I'd dare say all the things you "want" to do to draw her back is the wrong action. You may feel very distraught, and those feelings want to dictate that you do something fast, before you lose her. Here's the thing, Leo, she's already gone. Is there a chance for future together? I don't know, to be quite honest. A lot depends on how you handle yourself as a man who respects himself and the institution of marriage. You cannot show fear of losing her. You can't go wimpy. Determine now that you are going to take care of you and your daughter, and that you will be okay.......regardless of what your W chooses to do with her life.

Maybe this is far from what you wanted to hear. Listen, this situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, so brace yourself. Gear up by reading the homework assignments Cadet posted.

Whenever a W is wayward and has dropped the bomb on her H, it's not going to snap back. One reason is b/c most LBH's won't take the advice from the board, and he runs with his emotions. The other reason is b/c your W didn't get here overnight, and whatever is driving her actions runs deeper than you are ready to believe. You want to fix the problem, but it's not that simple. You can't fix her.

So, she's fired you as her husband. I'd suggest you discipline yourself to stop playing the role of her doting husband, and stop treating her as if she's still your loving and devoted wife.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2858692 07/25/19 07:32 PM
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Did you just think her lesbian appetite would never reappear? Are you okay with an open MR, as long as it doesn't involve other men?


It never crossed my mind before. I am definitely not okay with an open MR, male or female.

Quote
I'm going to cut to the chase here, Leo. There is something seriously going on here. If you married her, knowing she had been sexual with other women.......doesn't a red flag go up when your W's behavior & interactions practically changes overnight and she starts talking about how you neglected her, yada, yada, yada? She's rewriting the marital history, to find some sort of justification for her new love interest (male or female). The sudden coldness, secretiveness, the rush to S/D, etc., draws a clear picture of a woman who has no intentions or desire to continue this MR, and who has a secret agenda.


A red flag went up when 10+ years of marriage went down the drain. How I supposedly emotionally neglected her and how we always get into arguments. When I responded how come you never confronted me about you being neglected? Her answer, ďI did and tried but all you did was call me names and yell.Ē She never confronted me about being emotionally neglected but I guess I am supposed to be able to read her mind since I been with her for a while. Another male/or female definitely popped in my mind since she carried her phone everywhere she goes now and very secretive about it. Not sure if you ran through my post where I walked downstairs and she was video chatting with ear buds on and immediately flipped down the phone when she saw me. I asked who you talking too? Her response, your Aunt but she hung up when she heard your voice. During that time, I didnít believe it at all but I also didnít want to say prove it and let me see that it was my Aunt. Honestly, I didnít want to know Ė maybe I am still in denial.

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She is spending every weekend with another woman. How well do you know this "distant aunt"? I don't think your W has suddenly started spending so much "private" video time & phone chat......not to mention EVERY weekend with auntie to get advice on how to save her M!! They are either having an inappropriate relationship or your aunt is acting as a cover and enabler for your W's indiscretions. Either way, it sounds as if auntie is not a healthy influence for this M.


I donít know my distant aunt very well but she is married. Maybe they are swingers, I honestly couldnít say. I just know like you mentioned whether itís an R with my Aunt or not, she is letting it happen because she knows about our sitch, W told her. I think is covering for her but so many scenarios is playing with my head, I just have no way of proving it.

Quote
If you don't know where you draw the line in the marital sand, I suggest you do some self evaluation. She has emotionally, sexually, and pretty much physically abandoned the MR & family. She has compromised the values & integrity of the M......and it sounds as if she is eager to throw it away. Therefore, start with the standards, spiritual beliefs, principles, in which Leo lives his life. If you don't know where you draw the line, then you will be tossed about like a leaf in a windstorm.


Quote
People come here seeking help & hope. The first thing we usually tell a newcomer is to breathe, stop panicking, stop over-focusing on their spouse, and develop a plan. Your W appears to be wayward, and probably involved in an affair of some type. Is that a deal-breaker for you?


This is draining me emotionally and physically Ė itís only been since beginning of June. Not even that long now that I think about it but feels like forever. I hold my values very high, I will not date or see other females until this is final. When it is signed, black and white. An affair is most definitely a deal breaker for me, but I have no way of proving it. I donít want to ask for her phone or anything. But her moving into an apartment in roughly over 2 weeks to getting her own phone line, it messes with whatís playing in my head. If she is just high on life and not involved in an affair of any sort Iíll do my best to try and get this to work. Even though I know, I have to work on myself and not able to change her. I know itís up to her to change. If I know for sure about an affair, I will sign the dotted lines right now.

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You will not be able to talk her back into the MR. That's one reason we discourage relationship talks, b/c it doesn't change her mind. I'd dare say all the things you "want" to do to draw her back is the wrong action. You may feel very distraught, and those feelings want to dictate that you do something fast, before you lose her. Here's the thing, Leo, she's already gone. Is there a chance for future together? I don't know, to be quite honest. A lot depends on how you handle yourself as a man who respects himself and the institution of marriage. You cannot show fear of losing her. You can't go wimpy. Determine now that you are going to take care of you and your daughter, and that you will be okay.......regardless of what your W chooses to do with her life.


That is where I messed up. When the BD, I begged, cried, plea, asked for reassurance and everything else that I wasnít supposed to do. I probably looked like a total fool to her. She cried, but I know those werenít tears because of me. I was trying to quick fix everything because I couldnít understand how my world flipped upside down in an instant, even though she claims itís been bottled up for years. I realize that she is gone but itís difficult to accept it at the moment because itís so fresh. I am definitely getting better. I try to pep talk myself a lotÖlike ďI deserve better or why should I work so hard to make this work with someone who doesnít love me anymore or you can do much better.Ē

I read a few quote that I really like and helped me think positive, here are some that helps me get through my day at times.
ďI want someone in my life who knows Iím not perfect, who knows Iíll make mistakes, who knows Iíll my best and still want me in their life no matter what.Ē
ďI believe that every single person has to go through something that completely destroys them in order to figure out who they really are.Ē
ďYou canít control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and let life happen.Ē


Quote
Maybe this is far from what you wanted to hear. Listen, this situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, so brace yourself. Gear up by reading the homework assignments Cadet posted.


Quote
Whenever a W is wayward and has dropped the bomb on her H, it's not going to snap back. One reason is b/c most LBH's won't take the advice from the board, and he runs with his emotions. The other reason is b/c your W didn't get here overnight, and whatever is driving her actions runs deeper than you are ready to believe. You want to fix the problem, but it's not that simple. You can't fix her.


Quote
So, she's fired you as her husband. I'd suggest you discipline yourself to stop playing the role of her doting husband, and stop treating her as if she's still your loving and devoted wife.


This is definitely what I needed to hear. I actually sometimes think I donít know what I am scared of, maybe loneliness, maybe I wonít find another person that loves me, maybe just scared to venture out into this new world, so many thing comes to mind. I admit my emotions were taking me for a sprint the first 2-3 weeks, now I have gotten better at it but I find myself still looking for quick fixes on how she reacts to thing when I know I am just over analyzing. The hard part is to stop treated her as my devoted wife who I know is strung in her own fantasy world. I know I need to work on myself and my D, I get the wheel turning but it just stays in first gear and maybe shifts to second at times and stalls out. I need to learn how to get pass that, all the way to gear 6.
Thanks for your input Sandi, it means a lot.

Leo22 #2859167 07/29/19 12:55 PM
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Journal:

Been enjoying myself this weekend. Friday took D to the movies and saw "The Lion King" than went for ice cream afterwards. Saturday, I took her to a friends house for a slumber party, she was looking forward to that all week. She probably reminded my 30,000 times about it, haha. So basically had all day Saturday to myself. I went out and caught up with old friends - we went out to eat and just chit chat about everyday life. It was quite enjoyable. As I haven't just gone out and chill with friends like that in a while.

Than spouse comes home Sunday night from trip. We probably said less than 5 words to each other. I already accepted that this is over and not initiating any contact text/calls, etc - so it didn't bother me much at all like it use to several weeks ago. I'm just trying to improve myself for the time being - building my social life again, rebuilding on the confidence that I use to have, finding new hobbies that would interest me - I think I may try yoga. I been weightlifting for roughly 4-5 years and that helps me a lot with just everyday life. This year I am planning to take my D to visit my family who I haven't seen in roughly 3-4 years. I am looking forward to that, most like around the holiday - probably Thanksgiving.

Thanks all for the advice and feedbacks that you all have given me. I appreciate it very much.

Hope you all have a good day!

Leo22 #2859695 08/01/19 11:52 AM
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Update:

She moved out Monday evening, roughly 2 weeks earlier than planned. In all honesty, not seeing her in the house daily makes it much easier getting through the day. I am not going to say that I don't miss her but the detachment is coming along. The one thing that is driving me crazy is my sex drive but I am not going to go out and take care of that, its a moral thing for me - even though we are technically separated I don't feel right until I receive the final paperwork. I am still going to IC, I talk to them on a weekly basis as of now but will be changing it to bi weekly.

I am going to GAL with a couple friends this weekend, looking forward to that. My D is going to spend the weekend with her, so I have the house to myself. I am also going to change the set up of the house. Its going to be a nice change. I am finally realizing what everyone has been saying, that I need to change for myself, not for anyone else because I can't change how she feels at the moment nor I want to think what's going on in her head. I am going to take this journey alone, if she wants to walk with me in the coming future than I am okay with it but if not that is not going to stop me anymore.

Leo22 #2860114 08/05/19 10:34 AM
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Update: (more of me venting)

I'm hurt badly, emotionally and physically. Found out 100% that she is already having a PA daily at my "aunts" house with her husband brother. I was actually ok with going through the divorce cordially. WW told me she had respect for me and such just no love for me anymore but I guess not. I knew all those sneaky behaviors such as snapchat 24/7, video chatting with ear buds and hanging up right when she saw me, quick to get her own cell line, pushed for a fast divorce because she wanted to move on, shaved down there all the time. This kills me so bad and to find this out from my own D is horrible. She couldn't wait for the divorce to be final, she just had to sleep with OM already. I wish I didnt find out now. I just cant fathom that she met this guy about mid June and we have been married for over 10 years and throw our marriage away like it's nothing. This hurts so bad right now.

Leo22 #2860145 08/05/19 02:10 PM
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So sorry, Leo. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Leo22 #2860146 08/05/19 02:16 PM
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Stay strong there Leo. Itīs all about you and your D now. You need to get your respect back.

Keep GAL, detach and focus on yourself.

Iīm sorry man.

(((Leo)))


WW H(me): 52
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 17
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Leo22 #2860147 08/05/19 02:21 PM
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So sorry Leo. It is amazing how quickly some people move on. It is so they donít have to face themselves and the consequences of the choices they made / are making. She is in the throws of infatuation and new ďloveĒ... it is a powerful drug that LBS canít really compete with, Iím afraid. It will fade. It always does. I know that doesnít help you right now but just keep working on you and know that you will not feel this way a year from now....or even six months. The hurt fades eventually and you start to see new possibilities in this new reality that you did not ask for. Know that you are not alone... we are all right there with you. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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