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Ha,,, so what do I know? Not much. After many consecutive days of contact, it just stopped. Last phone conversation was 12 days ago, last text 10 days ago, last in person contact was 2 weeks ago. I will conclude that this wasn’t a touch and go or a reconnection attempt. It was an act,,,to get my help with his investment project. I suspected that was possible at the time especially since he surprised me and paid me for my time and then some. It was a generous payment that I initially refused. I would have helped him for nothing. He wisely paid me though, so he could withdraw after it was all done and not feel like he had led me on.

I’m not devastated or even upset. I will carry on with my perfectly fine as it is life. I do wish him well though and I don’t regret the brief period of contact we did have.

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Hello Adios

With each peek out of the tunnel they get closer to their exiting it. If that is indeed their fate.

Originally Posted by Adios
You are right when you say the old marriage is dead. I already see that we are both different enough people now that we couldn’t just pick up where we left off. So that leaves me wondering what a new marriage would look like and I struggle to imagine it. I can’t see us connecting and being as close as we once were even if we were both committed to that. I also feel quite a bit of resistance within me to the idea of actively being his wife again. I don’t think whatever marriage we could put together would work. There,,I said it. I don’t want the marriage back.

Yep. I also wonder what a new marriage would look like between J and I. Certainly cannot just pick up from where and when it blew apart.

Originally Posted by Adios
I would like to reconnect though and maybe reconcile a friendship. But just saying that meets with some resistance within me. It’s possible I might feel differently in the future. He is still in MLC and until he is out of MLC or close to it, I’m fine just staying where I am. This has nothing to do with any residual anger or bitterness, or any other negative feelings. I have released all those feelings over the last few years. He is someone I still love in some measure and I truly wish him the best.

Not wanting the marriage back or wanting to be friends is ok. You can love someone and not like them. I still love J, yet her and I are not friends.

Originally Posted by Adios
It’s clear to me that I have as much to figure out of as a LBS as he does as a MLC.

Most wise!

I’ve discovered lots about myself, faith, loyalty, values, where and when I draw the line, empathy, compassion, conviction, forgiveness, emotional intelligence, and so on. I’ve learnt plenty about crisis, emotional problems, child rearing, grief, depression, etc. And I have discovered more questions with each answer. I now have more to learn, than when I knew less. Lol.

This unwanted horrible path we were forced upon is a golden opportunity and an incredible blessing. The wisdom is hard earned, no doubts there; the most valuable tenets, knowledge, and experience usually are.

Originally Posted by Adios
I’m not devastated or even upset. I will carry on with my perfectly fine as it is life. I do wish him well though and I don’t regret the brief period of contact we did have.

Good for you. Nice to be on to the smooth part of the path, isn’t it?

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Originally Posted by Adios
I’m not devastated or even upset. I will carry on with my perfectly fine as it is life. I do wish him well though and I don’t regret the brief period of contact we did have.

Dear Adios,

It seems you are well healed. Good for you. Live your perfect life. smile


Time will tell if he will somehow still be part of your future.

Take care.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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H has flown to see OW after being unable to for almost 10 mo. He wouldn’t get the vaccine and neither would she and all domestic airlines banned unvaccinated travellers until recently. They just recently removed the ban. H didn’t return for a visit right away because he couldn’t get off work. My D thought he didn’t return because he was done with it all. It was finished she thought even though they talked on the phone during the entire 10 months. I knew that wasn’t the case. If he was done with it all there would be no phone calls. But then again my H hates difficult conversations so maybe he was done and was just reluctant to finalize it once and for all. D believed he would not be going to visit her again even though he could because he knew it was a terrible R. He told D at the beginning of the flight ban that it was a relief he didn’t have to see her. The R was exhausting and financially draining. He paid for everything and spent a small fortune in airline tickets flying to see her every 3 weeks for over 5 years. It’s a completely dead end R with no chance either of them will relocate to live with the other. He gave up everything for a dead end R and now he is on the verge of giving up his future happiness with anyone else as well.


This OW, like many AP’s, is a low quality human. H couldn’t see that through his MLC and the limerance but after 10 months not seeing each other, multiple therapy sessions, and new goals that didn’t include her, the family was hopefully he would wrap it up for good. Hopes are totally dashed now that he is with her for a week, and maybe longer.

It’s been some time since I had hope for reconciliation or a even any desire for a reconciliation, now 5+ years after BD. I did think we could have an amiable post marital relationship though. And we did have that. We are not friends, but we are friendly and respectful with each other. There is really no lingering anger or resentment. I was hoping to see him recover from his MLC one day and return to the land of the sane despite my doubt or my lack of interest that we would ever reconcile. I was glad to recently see what I thought were signs of progress, especially the stabilizing of moods and a big reduction in his frustrations and anger. None of this was directed at me but more at my D. She took the brunt of the monstering during the worst of the MLC. She was thrilled to see progress and him calming down to a normal level. He was calm, relaxed, respectful and like the dad she had before MLC hit.

Then he flies off to see OW. Possibly to end it formally? Or to establish some kind of casual connection unlike the crazy connection they had prior to the flight ban? Or to resume full speed ahead where they left off? Both D and I thought his plan might have been to have a pleasant visit and end it amiably when the trip was over. She thought it would go as he planned. I did not and told her that despite his intentions, to be prepared that it would start up again. I don’t know yet, nor does she, what will happen after this trip. I will bet money on it that there will be many more trips to come.

My reaction to this trip is complete disgust. He had a chance to escape this nightmare R, and according to D he did escape it for those 10 months, was a semi-changed man on his way to a more normal self,,,,, and then he risked it all because either he could not see the danger to his recovery, if indeed he was recovering, or because he really had made no progress and intended to resume this sick R in full.

Time will tell whether he returns to see her again but the fact that he even risked it at all, regardless of his intention was the ultimate last straw for me. I want nothing to do with him or anyone else who is stupid enough to do this. According to D, he has enough clarity to know his R with this crazy disordered OW was the dumbest and biggest mistake of his life. But I guess he doesn’t have enough clarity to see he is walking right back into the quicksand. Where he wants out, but can’t get out because of her control over him and his emotional weakness and inability to break it off. He was so close to his freedom from her. All he had to do was stay away. And he couldn’t or wouldn’t. I am so done with him and his MLC and the pain he has visited on our family. I have zip respect for him and there will be no more amiability between us. If he asks ‘what’s wrong?’, I’ll tell him. If I say anything to him after that it will be those well known two words. You know what words I mean. I’m done with this chapter and this book and will never open it again. I am so done. Finally.

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Good Morning Adios

I agree with you that H’s trip is unlikely to be to end things with OW. However, his purpose and outcome is still unknown; time will tell.

The decisions and choices a MLCer makes can be so aggravating. Your H’s recent behaviour, his apparent inability and/or unwillingness to extract himself from such a dead end R; even he knows it is a terrible R; shows just how terrible and consuming a crisis is.

Yes, the AP is usually the control over the emotionally broken individual. Breaking up, leaving, extracting themselves from the situation is very difficult. The MLCer is addicted, confused, and enthralled by a false fantasy; and they will expend incredible energies to maintain that fantasy, even in the face of obvious counter feedback.

Small peeks out of the tunnel, touch and goes, mini awakenings sporadically occur showing the crisis individual glimpses of reality and damage done. Then back into the tunnel to run some more. Slowly they get stronger and emotionally more stable, and can withstand these peeks more and more.

The horribleness of a crisis. These lost souls get mired in the darkness and struggle to find their light and happiness.

Originally Posted by Adios
All he had to do was stay away.

If only their solution was that easy.

The addiction, their torment, their demons - it’s not staying away, it’s making peace with them. And that road is not one most folks willingly head towards.


I empathize with opening a new chapter in your book of life. Be better not bitter, and forgive often as your write upon those pristine pages.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi DNJ - I appreciate your comments as always. Thank you! 🙂. It has been aggravating but I hope no more. It’s aggravating to see this after watching, seeing progress, and silently cheering and hoping he would recover despite not wishing for a reconciliation. I just hoped he would somehow find a way to dump this trashy woman. I would be fine if he was with a decent woman who didn’t scheme to destroy his marriage. But not this one.

I find this aggravation falls outside of forgiveness somehow. My forgiveness is still intact but my desire to know him anymore is gone. I will stop watching and cheering (or booing).

Thank you so much for your wise comments.

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Originally Posted by Adios
Hi DNJ - I appreciate your comments as always. Thank you! 🙂. It has been aggravating but I hope no more. It’s aggravating to see this after watching, seeing progress, and silently cheering and hoping he would recover despite not wishing for a reconciliation. I just hoped he would somehow find a way to dump this trashy woman. I would be fine if he was with a decent woman who didn’t scheme to destroy his marriage. But not this one.

I find this aggravation falls outside of forgiveness somehow. My forgiveness is still intact but my desire to know him anymore is gone. I will stop watching and cheering (or booing).

Thank you so much for your wise comments.

Hi Adios,

I can fully relate to the fact that you have difficulties with this particular woman. Not only because she is a trashy woman, but definitely also because this one was the affair partner.

So I only wanted to add that I too had a lot of trouble with this fact.
Every time I heard that they gave it another chance I could be very angry with him.
However, I can only say that this feeling too will pass.
Mind you, I will never accept her, I don't have to, but my anger is gone because I actually see him as a very weak person. And the reason they stay in such a toxic relationship is simply because they can't handle a normal relationship, they feel way too guilty, so they think it makes it easier for them to choose for such a relationship, when of course we know better.

So Adios, this feeling too will pass, trust me.

Hugs!!

Eagle


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Aww, thank you Eagle. I am sure the intensity will pass. When it does, it will be indifference I feel. I don’t want to hold onto anything negative and I won’t. Time will tell I suppose what happens from here but I truly hope, for the first time in years that nothing happens. That this is the very end of the road for me. It really feels final. I’m fine with that, and actually prefer that now. Something mentally snapped in me. Enough! I’m finally finished with this part of my life.

But I will post updates to confirm (or not) that this is where I truly am. Thank you again, Eagle

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{Adios} not an easy place to be, and please don't beat yourself up if the inference sometimes gets dented and the hurt comes creeping in a bit. it's all part of the process..


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Thanks for the post Butterfly.

I’m not sure what you mean by “if the inference sometimes gets dented.

As far as the hurt, I did feel that in the first few moments I was aware he had returned to see the sleazy OW, but it quickly disappeared to be replaced by disgust. It’s just mind blowing to realize he chose to resume with her after all he has lost because of her. I was hopeful he had left her behind for good, not because it meant anything for us (it doesn’t), but because it meant someone that once meant the world to me was emerging from the slimy hole he was in with her. I cheered what I thought was his progress, not unlike how I would cheer for anyone I know who appeared to be making smart life decisions. But when bad choices are made year after year, there inevitably comes a time when one must stop watching someone continue to destroy their chance to recover and find lasting happiness. That is where I am now. I’ve lost all interest in knowing what comes next in his sad life. He had a chance to do better and he didn’t. He chose to stay doing poor.

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