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A Message from Michele
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Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, #2860029
08/04/19 12:18 AM
08/04/19 12:18 AM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 111
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Adios Offline OP
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Adios  Offline OP
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Previous Thread:

I want to stand, but I think it's hopeless.

I thought I was doing okay. Really. The being Ďnot okayí is back with a vengeance. Iíve done the 180 to perfection (almost) but still his crisis continues and even deepens. He is slowly but surely slipping away. In the beginning he still wanted contact, but not so much anymore.

Same ow,,,the strength of that R is astonishing. Itís a long distance thing. He travels to see her all the time. At least 50% of the time he is with her. When he isnít, he calls her constantly, even when both of them are at work. They spoke for over 90 minutes on Friday morning alone. This isnít that u usual either.

Iíve been patiently waiting for this to fizzle out but all it does is get stronger and stronger. They seem to be the exception, not the rule. How on earth will he ever see the end of MLC when this R is so intense?

I miss my husband terribly and Iím tired of pretending Iím okay when Iím not. Iím tired of pretending to him that Iím over him when all I want to do is tell him how much I love him.

I thought I was moving on successfully. Clearly I am not. The ache in my gut is always there. To lose someone you love to another person has to be the worst.

He had no intention to divorce but now his ow says he needs to end his emotional attachment to me. So now he is looking into a divorce. I think itís really because she wants to marry him.

How do I end this h3ll Im in? Agree to the divorce and just let her have him? I canít take much more of this.


Last edited by job; 08/04/19 02:12 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread and edited a word
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860031
08/04/19 12:29 AM
08/04/19 12:29 AM
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Gerda Offline
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Adios, hugs to you. You sound very burdened.

You should feel very proud of yourself for standing for two years. It's very hard to do, and you already made it through two years!

A relationship built on lies and the destruction of a family is a house built on sand. A relationship built that way indicates that the OW is a very messed up person. Let her push for marriage. It may be the only way for H to hit rock bottom!

Long distance this whole time? Rest assured, it may require a live-in situation to end it. Long distance is easy.

Your situation is not at all unusual. Not that that changes your pain, but it may comfort you to realize he is following a script. That always helped me.

One thing I am sure of -- there is no way out by through. I don't know why you know so many details of when they talk and for how long, but please stop looking! You have to go dark on that stuff. Don't look. It will only hurt you and will not change it. Let him float away, he can only come back when he is through with the floating. You can live your own life as if he is not coming back, and keep your love for him in a box that you are willing to take out if he asks you to.

You might get some comfort by looking at Rejoice Ministries.

Adios, detaching is very hard. But it doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. It just means you look for joy between the sorrows and let him go. Let the universe work on him, let his adultery play itself out. You can always take him back if you want to take him back when he is done baking. But you can't do anything to speed up the process. You are a woman of great value, never forget it! Figure out your life's path is, whether or not he is there to walk it with you.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860033
08/04/19 12:49 AM
08/04/19 12:49 AM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 111
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Adios Offline OP
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Thank you Garda. Your words comfort me.

This R that he is in will not be anything but long distance for a few more years at the very least. He canít relocate where she is and earn any money. She wonít relocate here because she doesnít want to. Why should she? He is out there all the time anyway. The relationship will never fizzle.

I didnít think I was standing. I donít want to stand. But I donít want to let him go either. Someone said somewhere that until we are healed, we donít know if we are truly standing.

I know the details of calls - he uses my cell phone. It hurts to look but nothing changes if I donít look and then I have no idea where I stand with him. The calls tell me itís time to forget him and move on. Tells me the r with her is stronger than it ever has been,,if anything more intense with each passing month. I can also see he called a family lawyer last week. At least I wonít be blindsided (again) when this gains speed. I almost want to file myself. Then itís my decision and not his, or hers. They already got to decide my marriage was over. Why let them decide when Im to be divorced too?

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860076
08/04/19 06:24 PM
08/04/19 06:24 PM
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peacetoday Offline
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((((((Hi Adios)))))

sorry for your pain
i totally get it

My best advice would be to heal you
feel the pain
stop looking at the cell
get some therapy and work toward letting him go

You can stand for as long as you like while letting him truely go

This is the best way to see if there is a chance for reconciliation
Because he can probably still feel your energy focusing on him, he will be more inclined to continue

wish him well and let goooo
now the focus is on you
what goals do you have
what hobbies
what do you enjoy
is there a way to connect with a group, church, cause, temple, meetings in your area that would add to your life
new friendships
volunteer


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860260
08/06/19 04:29 AM
08/06/19 04:29 AM
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Adios Offline OP
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This is what I know and what I think:

My H is 100% an MLC case - every box ticked.

My blindside was spectacular - not a clue and it was because he encountered the OW and he allowed her in.

I am a master at Ďgetting a lifeí, and so busy with job, side business, church, concerts. travel, hosting dinners, I didnít have to try to do this - I am naturally this busy.

I am master at the 180 - never initiate contact, never talk about the elephant in the room, ie,,marriage, OW, etc. As far as he knows I am completely over him and done. He has no idea how much I hurt - I never show it.

Where has all this got me after 2 years? He is further away than ever. He was more present and clingy when my pain was obvious. Now,,his relationship with OW is deeper than ever. She wants him to get divorced so that is now what he wants too - so she feels secure (so he tells me). He is deeper into this relationship than I ever thought possible and the deeper it gets, the further away from me he gets too.

So I canít help question the advice given to us LBS. it hasnít changed a thing, only made it worse and my H more distant than ever before.

Then I compare that to Westoís story and see that her H is home after 2 1/2 years and he showed interest in coming home well before then. My H after 26 months is further away than ever. Then I wonder if this is even an MLC Iím dealing with. If itís not, then why does he check all the boxes?

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860286
08/06/19 11:44 AM
08/06/19 11:44 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
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Southern Maryland
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MLC is a very tricky beast because each crisis is unique to that person because of personality, childhood and coping skills.

Your h is most likely in the deep throes of replay and the ow is heavily invested in getting him to do what she wants, i.e., divorce you and spend all of his time, energy, focus and money on her. MLCers do tend to get worse when they are w/the OP, especially is they are being pressured by that person to get a divorce. Also, MLCers will become distant and in some cases disappear from the spouses, former friends and familieis.

In the beginning, about 12-24 months pre bomb drop, he had already begun to distance himself from you. When you were in pain and clingy, he felt guilt and shame for what he was doing to you and he didn't want you to know about the ow. Now, that things have changed and he has eyes only for the ow and you have been fired as his wife. In his eyes, his life has changed and unfortunately, you are not part of his new life. Yes, it hurts to hear this, but this is how they feel at the moment.

The best thing you can do is give him plenty of space and time. Continue as you have been, i.e., living your life to the fullest. One day, he may wake up and realize that he is very close to losing the best part of his past life and that is you. Stay strong and keep the focus on you.

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860310
08/06/19 01:52 PM
08/06/19 01:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2017
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Adios Offline OP
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I agree - he is deeper in than ever thanks to the OW. What I wonder is this - should I have NOT done the 180 so thoroughly? I feel it just made it easier for him to jump into his new life with both feet and not much looking back. How would it have been different if I fought for him even just a little bit. All he sees is that I didnt fight for him at all.

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860313
08/06/19 02:12 PM
08/06/19 02:12 PM
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Hi

I would not blame yourself in any way
This is his affair, his MLC, his inability to be honest with himself-

If it is true MLC as you suggest, It is my belief that nothing you can do will make them shift

If they are in deep love and infactuation with the OW as my XH was...there was literally nothing I could do

no pressure was the only thing that made him feel safe enough to engage in conversation and that helped our separation process..
Any confrontation on my part lead to a blowout

he was unapproachable

they say that pleading, begging, crying letting them know how much you love them does not help

Now, we each have to read as many books as possible, search the web for answers and make our best choice.
What do we have to loose?

Would it help if you tried one last time to talk to him?

I actually think I did mention to my XH at one point aftrer he moved out and I knew he was with OW
That he could come home
He just looked at me and continued to get in his car to go back to her-
It is a very tricky situtation and only a small few will actually return or try to return in time-

Many here would say no relationship talks..the MLCer sees that as pressure

and do we want them to stay out of guilt?
or because they want to do the work
This is your call and we will support you either way..

pray about it and others will come in to give opinions but as always it is our choice-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860315
08/06/19 02:14 PM
08/06/19 02:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,408
Southern Maryland
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I don't think it would have mattered because once they enter MLC, their past life becomes the past and they live in the present fully. If you do have contact w/him, treat him as you would a long lost relative. Listen to what he has to say and do not offer up advice unless he asks for it.

We all have wonder at times about the way we handled things...but once they begin their crisis, things change quite a bit and what we would have done in a normal situation becomes moot because you can't rationalize w/someone who fully charged emotionally.

Focus on today as it is a gift, tomorrow has not revealed itself and the past is gone and we can't change it.

You've give him the best gifts of all: time, space and more time. This is what he needs. You will need to dig deeper for more patience as the MLCer will surely try your patience along the way. When he's ready, he will contact you.

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, [Re: Adios] #2860584
08/07/19 09:01 PM
08/07/19 09:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
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Texas
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Adios, I've caught up a bit on your thread...all I can say is to follow the advice that you are hearing on here. The best I ever had was to drop the rope and simply do you.

I've worked on myself in different ways that have nothing to do with my ex.
1. I taught myself how to play guitar and will be accompanying a musician friend of mine on a men's retreat this winter...this has helped me decompress mentally.
2. I've taken up triathlon training to help me decompress physically.
3. I am helping with a divorce ministry at church to assist others that are going thru divorce.
4. I've taken over leading a men's bible study class on a weekly basis.
5. I know this sounds weird, but I know it has helped...I am a dog parent to a 100# Rhodesian Ridgeback. We have always had pets, but you can learn a ton from a dog that has nothing but unconditional love for you. It shows you, in a way, that that type of love might have been lacking from our partners. Not to mention they don't argue with you when you talk to them.

Make new friends. Do new things that you have always wanted to do, but didn't. When the marathon of MLC is over you should be a different person as well...a much better version of the already perfect you.


Me 46 W43
T25 M22
S19 D14 S10
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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