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My Story #2859876
08/02/19 12:58 PM
08/02/19 12:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 283
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 283
I am new to the thread and looking for some advice. I have read several books and currently speaking with a counselor once a week by phone. I do not have the money to seek out help like I need to so I know that I need to rely on help from those that have gone through the same experience I have gone through. My wife and I have been together for 22 years and we have been married for 18 years. Monday will be our 19th anniversary. We even liked it each other in the 4th grade and she still has a love note I had written her during that time period.
Some information about our history and past. She is always been a devoted and loving person. We have two sons 18 and 13. In our 2nd year of marriage nearly 16 years ago I made the mistake of having an affair. Since that time period I have been faithful and I have always felt like it was the worst mistake I have made in my life. I have been faithful for the past 16 years. The past couple of years I have been really busy with my job and she has been focused on moving up in her career as well. We slowly became disconnected and I realized this and I knew I had to do something about it. We both have the summer off and so when June rolled around we got into an argument as she was stressed with doing her school work. She has been taking classes to further her career in her job for the past year. She told me she wanted to be separated. I stayed away from home one night and she stayed away two nights. She didn't want me to leave and she didn't want to leave either. She said she felt really bad when I left so I have been at home since then. Over the past couple of months she has been trying to get me to leave her. She has slowly told me information of infidelity in hopes of trying to get me to leave. At first it was just kissing in a bar and then three weeks later she told me about a one night stand. The information was given as she was telling me she wanted me to leave. She even told me to have respect for myself and move on. All of this occurred in June. Well on July 5th, I caught her with her boss. I road by his house and his truck was parked under the garage and within 10mins I caught him dropping her off at her caught in a hidden place in the woods. All she would confess to is being unprofessional but everything inside of me tells me she was at his house and probably sleeping with him. Her behavior at the beginning of the summer was a heightened sex drive and since July 5th we have been intimate maybe once a week. She has also introduced new behaviors in the bedroom which lead me to believe she has had other sexual encounters. She has really become hardened since I caught her with her boss. I have not approached him and when he dropped her off he did it down the road so I couldn't approach him. She hasn't been very remorseful about it and is only concerned about losing her job. He just moved her up in a position that will allow them to meet during the day to talk. Her boss is married!!!!!! We live in a small community and my wife says she doesn't care about rumors because they are not true. I knew this would be a worse case scenario because her job has become her life and she is really good at it. She works in the public sector so if this gets out it would ruin her career and no she isn't a politician but very close to that stature in what she does. You can probably guess what we both do by now. She could actually lose her job and never do it again if she was to be found having an affair with her boss. She will not let me look at her cell phone and she says she will not quit her job. She has agreed that she needs to move to a different place next year but she will still see this man at times. Since July 5th we have slept in separate beds maybe 4 times but we end up going back to our bed. She doesn't want to talk for long and never about anything heavy. She goes to work, comes home and naps, and then gets on her cell phone. We talk for about 30 mins about our day and that is all. I know that she is communicating with someone because she is typing the whole time. If I get to close or bother her she will go to the bathroom for 20mins. The other day she took an hour long bath and I was able to look through the window to see her using some chat that makes the messages disappear. I questioned her without me knowing and even said when I walked by I could see what the messaging screen looked like. She denied it and said she wasn't talking with anyone. I gave a detailed description of what it looked like because it was easy to recognize. There were no names on the messaging app just a yellow symbol at the top in the middle of the screen. Two nights later she went to the bathroom and I could see through the window that she was on the same messaging system on her phone. I know I've got to stop spying because deep down I know she is talking with someone but I don't know who. I can't prove she is having an affair just everything within my gut tells me its going on. We are not emotionally connected at all. I have started back work too but its hard to get it out of my mind throughout the day. She has been telling me to just be patient and everything will work out. I know she has been infatuated with her boss because of our past conversations. Her beliefs and attitudes have changed. She has been working out in town every morning really early. Her boss workouts during that time period too but at a different gym 1/4 mile away. Even after I caught them together she worked out the next morning. She goes 7 days a week. I am lost and don't know what to do. If i stand up to her she may leave or not talk to me at all. I want to save my marriage because I know that I love her. We also have both kids in the home. My oldest is attending college and the youngest son is in 8th grade. I am thinking if I will be patient she will eventually come around. The affair can't go anywhere because of their position in the public and both of them being married. I think she wanted separation at the beginning of summer so she could run around with him while they were both out of work. Problem is I am out of work also. Please give me some advice for saving my marriage. I have not contacted the guy, or his wife, or their employer. I don't want to humiliate my wife and besides I don't really know that they are having an affair. There is a lot of tension around the house right now. I am hoping in time this will play itself out but it is killing me. Please give some advice.

Re: My Story [Re: phnix] #2859878
08/02/19 01:05 PM
08/02/19 01:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,241
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,241
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: My Story [Re: phnix] #2859879
08/02/19 01:08 PM
08/02/19 01:08 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
Hello and welcome! Cadet or Job will be along shortly to post a bunch of links, read them all. Do you have DR? If not then get it and read it too. Your wife is definitely having at least an "emotional affair" and more than likely a physical affair too. All the red flags are there, I don't think there's any question it's going on. So you're dealing with a "wayward wife" or WW here for short. Read Sandi's posts as much as you can, she touches a lot on WW's and how to deal with them. They are like a petulant teenager. They will lie right to your face even when presented with overwhelming evidence. They will gaslight you (look it up if you're not familiar with the term).

We always advise people NOT to move out of the house or bedroom. If the WAS wants to move out then don't try to stop them, but you should stay put. You're being hurt and inconvenienced enough as it is without having to deal with a move as well.

Good luck and keep posting. Read the book and the links and ask questions.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story [Re: phnix] #2859970
08/03/19 03:11 AM
08/03/19 03:11 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline
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NicoleR  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Hi Bballer, welcome to this forum! It's terrible you have to go through this. Cheating is the worst betrayal. I think you're right that the affair will eventually end but whether or not your wife is regretful is another matter. It seems it's going to take some patience for this to get resolved. I hope you find support and ideas for how to survive this crisis here I this group and I hope your wife simultaneously realizes what she could lose with this irresponsible cruel behavior!

Re: My Story [Re: phnix] #2859977
08/03/19 05:27 AM
08/03/19 05:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,858
C
CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,858
Hi Bbaeller, wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with your wife having affairs both in front of you and in secret. That sounds like a horrendous situation to both have to deal with and find a way to move on from.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Withdrawn Wife #2860703
08/08/19 04:11 PM
08/08/19 04:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 283
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 283
Hello,
I am new to the thread and would like to get help and advice in my situation. I have been married for 19 years and with my wife for 22 years. We were high school sweethearts and even liked each other in the 4th grade. We both teach school and have grown apart as we are at different schools and I coach and she is wanting to go into administration.

She tried to get me to leave her at the beginning of the summer. I discovered she was with her boss during the summer and I am convinced she is having an affair. I will not go into the details but I know my wife and I know this is going on. She recently started sleeping in another bed and we have not been as intimate since I caught her with her boss. I really want to save my marriage but she isn't putting anything into it. She has to see her boss everyday and she meets with him because she moved up into an administration role this year. I see no way out of this and I am going to have to live with it for atleast a year in hopes she can get another job somewhere else in administration. Her boss is married with two smaller kids. She is teaching his kid and our kid this year due to them being in the same grade. I've caught her using a secret messaging app and she will not let me look at her phone. I am devastated and see know way out of this. This seems like an almost worse case scenario. I can't leave my kids but she will not leave either. She is hoping I will get tired of it and file for divorce. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Please give me some advice?

Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: phnix] #2860708
08/08/19 04:45 PM
08/08/19 04:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 17
M
Max2k10 Offline
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Max2k10  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 17
The affair is a symptom of a larger problem...growing apart as you noted in your post is probably part of it. Try to see past the affair to the underlying issue. I went to individual counseling after I discovered my wife’s EA and it was helpful to me as we worked on furthering my detachment. My wife has attempted to get me to quit just like you’ve described...to absolve herself of the guilt. She’s likely high on the drugs your body releases early in a relationship...which cause paranoia and block reason.


Me: 36 W:38
M13
S10 D8
ILYBNILY: Feb 2019(?)
Sep in House: Mar 2019
EA1 started 2017, discovered 6/19
Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: Max2k10] #2860734
08/08/19 06:26 PM
08/08/19 06:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,701
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,701
Southern Maryland
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your title line at any time within a thread.

Last edited by job; 08/08/19 06:29 PM. Reason: Merged two threads together.

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: phnix] #2860749
08/08/19 09:03 PM
08/08/19 09:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 773
S
SoTorn Offline
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SoTorn  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 773
Man. Your situation mirrors mine. Was with my exww since high school. Married 18 years, together 22 years. She cheated with her boss. We divorced. You will get through this.

Read everything here. Detach detach detach and work on yourself. You deserve better.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: Max2k10] #2860776
08/09/19 02:15 AM
08/09/19 02:15 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 283
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phnix Offline OP
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phnix  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 283
max2k10 you are exactly right. When she gets home everyday we talk for about 30mins and I feel like that helps with us maintaining some kind of relationship for the moment. I hate to give that up because I don't want to lose her or my family. The problem will be as long as she works for this guy she will continue to have strong feelings for him. My wife loves deeply as she has fallen in love with everyone she has slept with and that scares the hell out of me. I didn't appreciate her like I should have and now I'm paying the price. She really has been a great wife for most of our marriage. I've made a complete 180 and that seems to have made it worse. I am doing everything as she was doing it before. Cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, washing and folding all the clothes. I am going to get the books and read them so I will have more insight for this thread. I did make one big mistake and that was letting her parents know what is going on. They are pro-marriage and they have tried talking to her. This has really pissed her off and that is why she started sleeping in the other bed 4 days ago.

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